Am I doing the right thing? (super long long story)

[mjkjk]

Hi everyone, my first time posting here, and I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right location.

 

First things first, me and K didn't exactly break-up, because she was never officially my gf. However, everyone around me has thought she was my gf for the longest while. It's quite the long story, and thanks for hearing me out.

 

Me, E, and K first met 4 years ago in my second year; all of us had just went through break ups became fast friends with a few other friends formed a great support group. K then had just broken up, but in the middle of the year went back into her LD relationship with her ex, who was really just using her for sex. She could never really take herself away from him despite being cheated on and treated unfairly, and did my best job as a friend to support her and comfort her. Me, E, and K became really close friends during that year.

 

When third year came, I met a girl J who I was very infatuated with. After about two months, I finally asked her out, but she told me she was coming off a break up with an abusive boyfriend and was not ready for a relationship. I believed her until I found out that she actually started dating another guy in the same week. Needless to say I was hurt and I realized I couldn't really handle failing relationships/rejections, and it was causing me to performing poorly in school, which was jeopardizing my dream to become a doctor. E and K were very aware of how worried I had become, and knew the importance of the upcoming year to me.

 

The summer after third year, K broke up again with that same guy who had decided to leave for Asia for medical school, and she came to me for support and comfort. During that time a spark developed, I realized I had developed feelings when at a group dinner/meet up she was very close intimately with me for the whole day. However, she was about to move back to our home city for school, and the fact that I wasn't healed dissuaded me from pursuing it any more.

 

4th year begins, and one day, while having lunch with E, we started looking at K's orientation pictures from her new program. I commented on how K seemed to be getting thinner and thinner (she was already very thin in the first place!), and E casually teased me if seeing her so thin made my heart ache. E essentially dug it out of me that I had feelings for K, but I made it clear that I didn't want to mess up the friendship and I didn't want distractions. I begged her to keep it a secret, but at that moment, one of my friends came by and said hi. In the 5 minutes I chatted, E had posted on K's facebook, for the world to see, that I liked her........ (*pause for facepalm time*). I once again begged her to take it off, but she wouldn't listen, and word spread like wildfire.

 

I wanted to avoid the topic with K, but she would bring it up constantly trying to get me to admit I liked her. At one point, she told me she felt like she was forcing me to tell her, and her wording made it seem like she was trying to get us to start. Despite better advice I admitted it to give it a try, but her reply was "I had only thought of you as a friend before". Disappointed, I asked her why she pushed so hard for me to tell her, and her reply was "Well it's nice to have someone that likes you".

 

In hindsight, that should have set off warning bells, but I decided to keep trying to see if things would work out. For the first two months we had constant arguments about E and how they couldn't understand why I was mad. In addition, she would always initiate conversations, but when I wanted to see her she would dangle the possibility of seeing me, but it was on her schedule, when she felt like it, and she gave me flak later for taking time to see me. When Christmas break arrived, K suddenly changed: she would message me, and call me, and we went out for dinner or drinks a few times, but in our meet ups she always talked about her ex, and remarked how I was similar to him. She would tell me that she had only liked guys born in the beginning and end of 1988, liked future docs, only liked guys who came from the country I came from, and had only liked guys with either my last name or her ex's. I thought she was talking about liking me (hard not to be confused!), but the next week I got into a car accident when going over to her house to pick up a book she wanted my help to sell. Despite all that, she wouldn't even come downstairs to give me the book, and told her dad to give it to me. Finally, I realized that she just wasn't over her ex, and she liked having me there because I reminded her of her ex.

 

We sorta stopped talking until around April of 2010. It seemed like the friendship was back. That summer, she went back to Asia to visit, and hooked up with her ex again. One night after she slept with him, she msged me and said she was crying, and felt stupid for letting him use her body again. I discovered my feelings for her had not disappeared, and it hurt to hear she had been sleeping with him, but I decided to suck it up to be a friend. From then on she sort of turned to me for comfort exclusively. She would constantly say that she needed someone right now, and I would oblige (stupidly, I must add!). Things between us began to take off, we talked everyday, often from morning to end. There wasn't really any trouble getting her to see me like before, and things seemed to turn to a new page between us (She was aware of me still having feelings, thanks to a random drunk night).

 

October of last year, I finally asked her out again. She said it was cute that I told her I was really nervous, but she needed to sleep because it was really late and she had early class, and that we'll talk about it later. So my 2 month wait began. She would message me, ask for my comfort, vented to me, asked for me to be there, but when it was my turn to vent and ask for comfort I was often invalidated, and my concerns were brushed aside. When I wanted to see her, she would brush it off, but still ask for me to be there. She actually never gave me an answer until I confronted her during Xmas. She basically told me that she thought it was obvious that not giving an answer = no, and that her talking to me every day was because she liked having someone there, she liked having someone like her, and that she didn't really want to address my question. I made it clear then that I was done, and I appreciate for her finally telling me, and that we could still be friends if we tried.

 

So within a week, we were having a conversation when she suddenly popped the "_____, I'm confused. About how I feel. I think you know what I mean." At that moment I was taken aback, what is going on? I was trying to get over her, and suddenly she tells me this a week after I told her I was done. I told her that if she's confused, then she should take it naturally and see how it flows. Well she was very warm, very friendly, very talkative for the next two months. She would message me everyday, actively trying to take a part in my life. By then, everybody around me had noticed that I was talking to this K person practically everyday, including my sister, and everybody was convinced she was my gf. She was even willing to see me during spring break without much hassle, and I felt that maybe things were changing for the better (fool me thrice, shame on me....). However, I had a burst tire one day, and even though I told her through text all she gave was a one word answer back. For the rest of the spring break she had reverted back to her old self, unwilling to see me, not caring, not actively trying to keep in touch, all those things. I was more than confused then.

 

School started again, and guess what? The friendly K was back, the one who messaged me everyday. I was so sick of the routine then, but she was so consistently messaging me, asking for comfort (she's quite the whiner, especially about the difficulty of her course work and the busy schedule), and I often stayed up to keep her company since she bugged me for it a lot. Some nights I wouldn't be online, and she would text me that she's sad that I'm not online. She was very affectionate during this mode, and we flirted quite a bit. Sadly, after final exams, she reverted back.... to the old K. I tried a few times to get her to see me during the summer, especially I had moved back to our home city. However, she would always give excuses, and I asked her one final time to meet up for drinks. I waited for a long time, and then she texted me that she would just stay home and not come out, and I got my answer.

 

We didn't talk for three days. She messaged me again then, and asked me if I was mad that she didn't see me that day. I just sarcastically replied "No, I'm not mad. Something else is bothering me." I soon confronted her about what we really were, because everybody around me had become just as confused as I was about what the hell was going on between me and K. She basically told me she had promised herself after that break up that she wouldn't get into a relationship until she graduated, and basically she would have been b*tchy to me if I had the talk with her in person. But she also hinted that what's in the future nobody knows.

 

It was pretty unanimous among my friends then. She had been using/playing with me and my emotions. She was never serious, and whenever she needed someone she would think of me, but otherwise she wouldn't really remember me. It was better off to not be friends with her anymore. She said it herself, she likes having someone like her, and it's comforting to have someone there. I finally decided to go permanent NC on her, and sent her an email explaining why I was going NC, and that I felt it was very wrong that she would treat a friend like that, and how she changes into a different person whenever she doesn't need me. I also mentioned that I want her to understand, and if she wants a friendship, basically she has to prove she won't treat me the same way anymore.

 

She got crazy mad, denying everything that ever happened, and said she had told me "countless times that I only wanted to be friends with you". Hmmmm, all that flirting, all those weird talks/text msgs, etc. And on top of that, she had never even mentioned those words even once, because if she had said that I would never have continued liking her. It was because she kept dangling the possibility that I kept going after the bait like a dumb idiot. She also said she didn't find anything wrong what happened way at the beginning in pushing me to admit I liked her. Finally, she called me crazy, asked me to grow up, and that I was the one that had problems with friends before (meaning I'm the one misinterpreting/blowing things out of proportion). That was the final straw, and I blocked her on fb, skype, msn, deleted her, deleted her number, deleted our convo's, etc. I hated how a former good friend treated me like that, and my confidence had been shattered.

 

A few nights after that confrontation, E went to me saying what I said to K was very rude, and that I was the one that chose to offer comfort, the one that chose to stay up, the one that wouldn't listen when she said she only wanted to be friends countless times (I had asked her many times not to get involved.....). Disheartening that she insists that is what happened, and that she was spreading it between our mutual friends. That was in May.

 

End of September comes around. I'm busy applying to medical schools, and suddenly I get an invitation on MSN that K wants to be my friend on Windows Live. I made the mistake of accepting her invitation because I wanted to hear if she had anything to say. Guess not, because it's been more than a whole month of silence, and to be honest it's bugging me everyday. I have interviews coming up (yay!), but I really can't bring myself to see her online every day. To be honest, I would very much rather block and delete her, but I'm scared that I'm just overreacting, and misunderstanding her. E and I actually met up a few weeks go, and she kept mentioning how I had a lot of things similar to K, and mentioned K at every opportunity. She also asked if I had talked to K, and when I said "no" she was like "Why though!!! She wants to talk to you!!!".

 

I'm sick of how I was treated. It was particularly sickening to see that just as school would start getting busy would coincide with when she would want to add me and talk to me again. I really think I should block her and delete her again, and then tell E to never mention K again. But is it the right thing to do to not give the friendship a chance? Or have I been overreacting all along? I was stupid for going back time and time again, and I want to make it clear the same thing will not happen again.

 

Sorry for the super long read guys, really appreciate the read through. Any advice (and make it candid!) is very much appreciated! If you have questions please ask, I'm sure I left out a lot of details in there!

[confuseddotcom]

You are absolutely doing the right thing.This girl used you. She pretty much told you she was using you. Don't get me wrong, what she did is wrong but you allowed it. It's easy to see this from an outside perspective but a whole lot harder when you are in the middle of it and getting just enough signs of interest to keep you chasing (been there, done that!). Use this as a lesson and don't let yourself get into this kind of situation again.

 

Cut K out of your life and tell E to butt out.

[offplanet]

You've wasted a lot of time on this girl. It's been years. Why? And now you're hopefully on the verge of your dreamed of career. Do you really want to go into this next phase of your life still wasting time on this girl who has given you no reason to hope? Actually, you have only said you have 'feelings' for her, not that you're desperately in love with her. How can you spend so much time on and get so stuffed around by someone you just have 'feelings' for, when you don't 'have' to, ie when you're not actually desperate as so many people are on this forum? Maybe it's because you've invested all these years into the friendship with these 2 girls, that it would feel strange and maybe 'wrong' to cut them off as friends. I feel strongly that it would be a bad move to go into the next phase of your life taking this 'baggage' with you. It'd be good to have a clean start and be free to maybe meet someone with good relationship potential for you, or at least, to be able to focus on your studies without all the upset the relationship with this girl has brought you. As you said, just when things begin to get busy, she starts with texting you and wanting to talk again. Don't go through all that again. Make a new start. And good luck with it, too.

[mjkjk]

Well to be honest, inside I was very desperate to make it work. I did love her then, but yes you guys are right, I allowed it and was really stupid.

 

Offplanet I think you're right, it was the whole "invested friendship" thing, which made it even harder for me to give up and let her continue to do this to me. As of right now I've blocked and deleted her again, so hopefully that's the end of the story!

 

Thinking back it really sucks too, because throughout the last 2 years I've probably botched/given up/cut off 5 (?) possible relationships because of this girl. And on top of that I don't really think you could call her a friend, because no friend would do this.

 

PS. I wish I found enotalone earlier, I stumbled upon this back in May (which gave me the idea to go NC with her). Thanks for the advice though!

[catfeeder]

Block the girl and put an end to playing the doormat.

 

Out of millions of people in the world, at some point it only makes sense to recognize that we've all been guilty of trying to turn a bad match into a good one. That never works. The sooner you teach yourself to allow bad matches to pass early, the more liberated you become to meet better matches going forward.

 

Respect your Self.

[annieperson]

K that was long! lol

 

U are her doormat. Plain and simple. Sorry to be blunt but it's true. I know girls like this and when I was younger I think I was even guilty of BEING a girl like this. K loves the attention and she loves the drama of it all. With you she has someone who will ALWAYS provide her with emotional support and stroke her ego when she needs a pick me up but you are carefully held far enough away that she doesnt have to cross her imaginary boundary of getting "too" close.

 

You throw out the ultimateums and demand an explanation or a final answer and earlier in the relationship she could wrangle out of it while keeping you smiling and laying loyally at her feet but when that happened too many times, she knew you were catching on so she pulled the angry card. She got mad and stomped away, but instead of you feeling liberated and victorious, her hold on you made you feel guilty and wondering if it was YOU that did something wrong or overreacted. She wins.....again.

 

Her requesting to add you on her MSN was throwing out the line to see if her fish was still there and you took the bait. that was satisfaction enough for her. She has no interest in a relationship with you, she just needed to know she still had you hooked.

 

Honey, until you can see through all the bs yourself and truly understand what she is doing to you, then nothing anyone says on here will matter because you will make excuses for your actions while defending hers. You need to break free from your obsession

[catfeeder]

[...]

 

Honey, until you can see through all the bs yourself and truly understand what she is doing to you, then nothing anyone says on here will matter because you will make excuses for your actions while defending hers. You need to break free from your obsession

 

This is as clear as it gets. You're only causing yourself more pain in order to avoid the pain of growing past this girl. That's not getting you anywhere but stuck, and it's keeping your world very small. I'd quit that.

[mjkjk]

Thanks everyone for the kind advice, I really appreciate it. It's been about two weeks since that post, and I would like to give an update. I've deleted her, and to be honest haven't really looked back aside from the occasional "I wonder how she's been doing". Then I am reminded about all that happened and I tell myself and then I realize she doesn't even deserve me thinking of her.

 

However, I have a question. This episode has sorta brought me down in terms of confidence.... I've been working out consistently, but what other good ways are there to regain confidence?