dabbledave Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” -- Buddha Hello friends and fellow eNAers, It sucks to feel sad. It sucks to feel anxious. It sucks to feel angry. It sucks to feel worthless. What is the source of each of those feelings? Is it what has happened between you and your loved one? Or is it how you THINK about what happened between you and your loved one? Do you agree that what happened between you and your ex in the past is something you cannot now change; not by thought, word, nor deed? If so, by default, the only thing making you feel so terrible right now is how you THINK about what happened in the past, how you THINK about the present, and how you THINK about the future. It is easy for someone to say "think positively" or "develop a positive mental attitude", but it is hard to do in practice, especially if you're logically minded. Here's a simple little logic-based technique you can apply when you are aware of bad feelings. This can be applied in relation to your feelings as someone grieving the loss of a relationship. It can also be applied to any negative feeling about any other aspect of your life -- work, health, money, family, etc. Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. Try it now. Post your rationale and reasoning right here in this thread. DD Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? I feel anxious. Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? I feel anxious because I think that my ex will move on quickly into another relationship without taking time out to be happy with herself and that therefore she will forget about me. Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? The assumptions behind that thought include that: she completely devalues the relationship we did have; the rebound relationship will work out for her; she has no latent feelings for me; my future happiness depends on her wanting to reconcile sometime in the future. Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. If I still love her I should let her go. I know how she feels about the new me because she told me she liked the new me and that she was messed up and confused. Her stated intention was to try to break her rebound cycle and attempt to be happy being single. With more time and further improvement in my positive mental attitude I will achieve more consistent happiness as a single guy and be more open to exploring the relationship potential in new people I meet. Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. Our paths have diverged for now and it is for the best, for I have learned a lot about myself and my old attitude to life and I know I will be happy in life regardless of her future. Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile! Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? I am feeling calmer and more at peace. Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. I promise. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? Cold Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? That it's freaking cold and I have goosebumps! Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? Because there is low humidity and the molecular action of the air particles around me have slowed significantly. Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. I could be naked. Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. I could be having sex while naked! Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. mmm, sex.. Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? Yes! Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. Most definitely, thank you Izanagi-no-Mikoto! I like where that went (this is like mad libs!) but I'll try another one! Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? Angry Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? That I feel cheated and lied to by a very cowardly woman. One that is hiding away to protect herself. Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? Because she didn't have the heart (or the willpower) to tell me she didn't love me and strung me along for a year and a half! Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. I could have moved out there to be with her and been in a whole different world of pain right now. Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. I'm much better off where I am and I've met and experienced many new and positive opportunities while doing so. Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. mmm, sex.. Sorry still thinking about sex... Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? Still yes! Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. Done and done. Good fun thank you. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? Exhausted Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? Got up at the buttcrack of dawn and still have a long day with my stepsons while hubby works Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? His work schedule changed leaving me with the weekend responsibilities solo, and my family expects a ton from me Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. My MIL is deeply appreciative of everything I do and would help if I asked more Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. I'm well loved, much more than by my ex-MIL - I was the black sheep there, I'm completely accepted here even if my family is nuts Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. Smiling! Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? Yes, actually I am! Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. Can do! Can try! Will do! Link to comment
LSgirl Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 1.Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? I'm feeling sad, abandoned, lonely, angry that I haven't heard from him since he broke up with me via text 2.Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? I keep thinking that somewhere inside him he has to miss me and have the urge to contact me. This false hope exists and is stronger than ever. 3.Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? He had a surprise he was supposed to give me, still don't know what it was. We were supposed to go snorkeling next weekend and spend Halloween together. He was so sweet until I started that last argument. 4.Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. I could have been more patient even though he said he could not love me from being hurt in the past. I just enjoyed having him in my life, but at times I might have pressured him to feel something more. 5.Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. I'm no longer in a relationship with somebody who couldn't fully invest in me with his heart. He let me go to find somebody else who could. 6.Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. sooo hard to tho... 7.Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? Not really, I feel lonely and miss him, but it's always good to write these things out then to text him it! lol 8.Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. Definitely Link to comment
DarlingDoll Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Great post Dave. This is a good technique, I believe it comes from CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Great post Dave. This is a good technique, I believe it comes from CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I don't know. It's something I figured out for myself when I was backpacking post-BU. Link to comment
DarlingDoll Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I don't know. It's something I figured out for myself when I was backpacking post-BU. Identifying and challenging assumptions is exactly what CBT does in changing negative thinking patterns (it even uses the phrase "challenge the assumptions" quite often in books). It's cool you came to that on your own, not many people can. Link to comment
surgeon Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I read the thread title and I thought it was going to be about drugs. I'm pleasantly surprised to be wrong. Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Thanks SO much for this! You're a doll. I am going to do it now 1. Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? I am feeling hatred and anger and jealousy. I am betrayed, how could my own husband who called me by pet names...how could he push me away because he wanted other women? how could he lie to me, cheat on me how could he spit on my face and call me swear words? I feel NOT cherished...NOT valued. NOT loved. I feel abandoned and abused. I feel neglected by him. I feel lost and I am in pain. 2. Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? I guess cause when I am with him, in his arms, I feel safe and secure, he felt manly to me and I needed him. He was my security blanket. I don't have my security blanket anymore and it's all his fault. 3. Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? Because he abused me! Because he cheated on me and lied to me and called me names he put me in the hospital he never said sorry he never said he loved me he didn't want to hold my hand anymore, he didn't cuddle with me...no more cuds from my bay 4. Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. The relationship was not good from the get go. No matter how "hot" I tried to be, I was never what he wanted. I guess I wasn't his "type" If he is a sociopath, I can run for safety. Some other victim will be abused now On the plus side, not everything was his fault. There are some things I should have done. He wanted more of my time. He wanted the house cleaned more. He wanted me to do more womanly activities. He was bitter at me for working. On the plus side maybe he can find a girl who WANTS to stay home and is a homebody who knows... 5. Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. I don't know what to say. He ruined my life...I lost a chunk of my youth. I guess I am just so very happy this heartache occurred at 29 and not like 60...at least when he cheats on his 60 yr old wife someday with some 18 yr old stripper it will NOT be me he's cheating on and his memory will be long gone.............................! 6. Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. 7. Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? Just a little bit..................I do feel that he will cheat and womanize no matter who he's with. Even when I was younger and super gorgeous and tiny he STILL womanized...so I don't think ANY woman will be fulfilling enough for him he needs MULTIPLE women to be happy and even then he will never be content............. I feel like....the good thing is, no matter how many women he goes through trying to get happiness he's always going to remember ME, the girl who adored him, the girl who loved him more than anyone ever has. And I always made him steak and great food every night...we did things together 8. Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. I promise I will try to do this exercise more often Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 part two for me 1. Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? i am feeling pretty ticked off at the last two months of our relationship. esp the last two weeks. he wouldn't make love to me, wouldn't cuddle, he shoved me away called me horrible names and broke everything i owned basically. he told me i was a fat...you know what...and that he couldn't make L to me cause i was so fat......and that he's not attracted to me anymore...... 2. Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? I feel like I am pretty small, only the 120's and that if i am suddenly fat, he must be cheating on me with an 18 yr old girl who weighs 90lbs because what normal man would possibly think i am fat? i tried so hard to hit the gym and be fit and small and stay in shape...i was trying to honor my husband by being the best i could....i am thinking he was cheating on me and that's why i was getting compared to, that's why he did his own laundry, went MIA...what a fool he lost the best thing he ever had cause foolishly i put up with his bull 3. Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? cause i read about what men do when they cheat and he was showing all of the signs.....boredom hot and cold disinterest in the relationship constantly comparing me and putting me down i suppose he could have been exhausted from work. however an exhausted man from work does NOT put his wife into the hospital.... 4. Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. Maybe he is truly a sociopath. I've been told he was a sociopath. In a positive way, perhaps he was struggling to be "normal" and taking it out on me by abusing me. Time after time he confessed something was wrong inside of him and that he didn't know what. I felt like he was possessed by satan at times because he was sooooo EVIL!!!!!!!!! he said the most horrible evil things. So as much as I take this affair personally....and this lack and loss of his "love" (if it ever was that)......perhaps this is more a chemical imbalance on his part, I am dealing with a mentally disturbed and handicapped individual and perhaps even possessed who knows! he might end up in a psych ward one day...at this rate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5. Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. I am not sure to believe a sociopath when they say they are sorry. But an honest confession would be nice sooner than later. I need to know WHY. Why did he stop loving his girl? 6. Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. I guess the only thing to smile about is, if he respected me enough to tell me the truth and why he led me on and when he stopped caring about me/. 7. Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? yes until i start thinking again argh 8. Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. I promise I will start analyzing myself Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Don't feel bad.... My DH (ex) hardly had sex with me for four years (I hope we can say the word sex on here! I don't wanna get in trouble!) Link to comment
Clio Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 [*]Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? I feel hate and anger. I feel wronged. I feel rejected. [*]Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? I feel that all this is not fair. He got to walk away from me twice in a most cowardly and back-stubbing manner and he got away with it. In all probability he thinks that what he did was ok. Plus I was not good enough for him to stay. [*]Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? I assume that he got away with treating me like crap. I assume that he will face no consequences. I assume that he did not really care about me. [*]Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. This was not about me. He has personal issues that will not let him appreciate the good in his life. He is immature. These traits will follow him around and taint his happiness so he is not really getting away with it. His behavior is not a reflection of my personal value. It is a reflection of who HE is. And he is nothing special. No one special would behave this way. I lost noone special. [*]Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. I get to not being strung along. I get to make room in my life for a person who will appreciate me and who will be worthy. I get to become a better person. I get the chance to find someone who is better. I have the chance to find someone really special. [*]Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. [*]Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? I still want to see him suffer. But I get what you are saying. I need to keep focusing on ME in a more constructive way but it is one of those days... [*]Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. Will try Thank you! Link to comment
dabbledave Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. Try it now. Post your rationale and reasoning right here in this thread. DD Hi all, I wish to emphasise that it's important to remove anything negative from steps 4 and 5. That's the whole point. So in step 4, rather than assume anything negative against your ex, assume positive about you. If it helps you to compare and contrast yourself against your ex, assume neutral about your ex, but remember this is about making YOU feel better. Focusing on negative stuff about your ex will not make you feel better. It may tickle the lizard in your brain in the short term, but it won't bring you peace in the longer term. Similarly, in Step 5, rather than construct a negative thought about your ex, construct a positive thought about you. If you feel you have to construct a thought about your ex, make it neutral, if not positive. Do not consciously construct new negative thoughts. It defeats the purpose of the exercise, which is to make YOU feel GOOD! Cheers, DD Link to comment
lonelyheart2 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 1. Identify the negative feeling. What am I feeling? I'm feeling hurt, betrayed, lonely and disposable... 2. Identify the thought(s) behind the feeling. What am I thinking to make me feel that way? I suppose I when we were talking all the time I always thought he'd be there to talk to, he was like my best friend and to me irreplacable...I guess I feel really hurt that he could forget about me so quickly and him not talking to me just makes me feel as if I'm easily disposable and meant nothing to him or at least not half as much as I thought I did. Makes me wonder if our whole relationship which I thought was so special was a lie. 3. Identify the assumptions behind the thought(s). Why do I think this way? Because he was able to break up with me so easily, just like that and i have had hardly any contact since, despite breaking up with me just because of distance, he doesn't seem to miss me at all! He lead me on! I feel I have been humiliated. 4. Challenge your assumptions with more positive alternatives. Ok well no matter how I think he felt I know that I had a really good relationship, it was amazing despite it's quick ending. I'll never forget it and I don't have any negative feelings about the actual relationship, I just hope that one day I can find that with someone else....or...if I'm being honest...with him again...I am surprising myself as I can see that I CAN live without him, I may not want to but it is possible, I'm stronger than I think I am. 5. Construct a thought to reflect the more positive assumptions. I know what I want in a relationship, he showed me what i think I deserve, he's missing out on this awesomness! I hope that in the future we can be friends at least if nothing more as i miss his company but if not I guess everything happens for a reason and it's just not meant to be, I'm slowly learning how to accept this, accept the things I cannot change. 6. Focus on that more positive thought for a while. And smile. 7. Identify how you are feeling now. Am I feeling better? I feel a bit better...knowing that things are out of my control makes things a lot easier...I know I did everything I could to keep this relationship and really I know it was him not me. This sometimes really frustrates me but I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't change him, he has to make himself happy before he can make anyone else happy and this isn't my responsibility anymore. I am looking after myself right now, I have to focus on that. 8. Promise yourself that you will be more aware of the thoughts behind your feelings. I promise...I think I'm going to do this exercise at least once a day! It's pretty good! Link to comment
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