Tavi Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I will try to keep this short, but it is a long story so thank you ahead of time to anyone who takes the time to read this. I just joined, mostly because of this conflict I am going through in my life right now and I feel it may help to hear some similar stories, or at least some tips on how to move on... I recently moved here, and do not know many people or have many friends yet. I met this guy, and immersed myself in the relationship, I'm sure people can sympathize, you get caught up in it and don't go out or do things to meet other people for yourself. So I find myself in a situation now where I am all alone, with no one to talk to. The story of how we got together is complicated...we started as friends and then HE started pursuing me romantically, and eventually told me he had fallen in love with me (after being friends for probably about 6 months). I was reserved, having recently got out of a relationship and knowing that he had past relationship issues of his own. He was married still when we got together, but he assured me (many times) that his marriage was over, he was sure he loved me, he knew what he wanted, and that was to be with me. So you could say that things got off to a rocky start, but we were in love, everything was fantastic, I truly believed all his lies. We would talk about the future, and what we wanted from a relationship, and it seemed we were on the same level. He was going through the period of separation from his wife, I was willing to wait, for what I saw as something very worthwhile. In every sense, we got along great, we were very similar in many ways, all the same interests in activities, food, etc...I really truly loved this man, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Fast forward two years, he has left me, suddenly, saying that he never thought that things would work out between us, he is still in love with his ex-wife, she wants him back (which hurts), and I guess I am left knowing that he has now, officially, chosen her. What?!?!? Not what he was telling me just yesterday!!! He has apparently been seeing her for quite some time, (weeks, months, I don't know - and he won't admit it). And says that he doesn't even know if things will work out with her, although it sounds to me like he was making sure before dumping me-the 'backup plan'??? It took me awhile to realise, but I caught him out in a silly little lie (he said he was on a trip for work - turns out he was 'visiting' his ex). I demanded to know what was going on (this was when I didn't know), he admitted nothing, saying he still loved me he is just 'confused' about what he wants, and agreed to seek counseling. Great, I was thrilled, finally he could work out his issues. He was very loving and consoling, and agreed that he has not been in the best form lately, and that he wanted some time alone to think, so was going to go away for a couple weeks. He reassured me that he still loved me, still wanted to be with me, he kept saying we would talk when he got back. I agreed. However, after the last lie, I did some (very easy) investigating, and found out that his trip 'alone' was actually to see his ex-wife. Needless to say, I was furious, rang him (even though he makes me agree that I won't - now I know why which is because he was spending the night with her), and basically, in no uncertain terms told him he had to stop this. At this point I wasn't sure if he was seeing her as a friend, as some sort of weird finalise things event, if he never even left her, if he was trying to work things out with her...etc...I wanted to know what he was thinking. To make the long story short, he wouldn't talk to me and it turns out because he is at her house with her. He won't admit what they are doing together. He changes his story several times, from still friends and he's over for dinner, to friends to live together and spend the night (in different beds and no 'touching' - his words, not mine). He wouldn't tell me how long they had still been seeing each other (for the whole time for all I know), but still kept insisting that they aren't together, he says she hates him (to which I asked then why do you still apparently live there, and he admitted that she wants to get back together, only to change his story again 5 mins later). Trying to truncate the (very) long conversation, basically he said he is sick of lying, and never wants to see me again. He refuses to talk to on the phone or to offer any better explanation other than 'I changed my mind'. He said some very cruel things (I think she was listening) about how the whole relationship was a big mistake (2 years = a mistake?), he regrets ever getting involved with me, and now he just wants to move on. But then when I asked him about all the things he said to me in the beginning of the relationship, and how he wanted to be with me initially, and he just says, that is how he felt then, and now he's changed his mind. He then refused to talk about it any more, and dismissed me, despite my pleas to understand what is going on, and refuses to return my phone calls. He seems to think that 2 years = nothing in the big scheme of things, compared to the years of happiness he is sure to be in for with his estranged wife (who he left for a reason in the first place - so he told me)? And that being the case, should be easy for me to just 'move on', right? Two years is nothing, he's so blase about it...I'lll find someone else according to him, and he is just going to be 'with no one' (his words). However it certainly sounds as if he's trying to work things out with her, with no intentions of being alone or thinking about anything, or how any of it may have affected me, and the fact that according to him the relationship was dead in the first place! Overnight I have had my boyfriend, my best friend, and the past two years of my life (because he says it was all just a 'mistake') ripped from me. I had no one to talk to, no one to turn to, I admit I called him many times to try and get him to talk to me, just maybe to hear something that I wanted, didn't want, needed? to hear? Mostly I'm scared, scared that he was the "one" for me (is there even such thing as "the one"????) and I've stuffed it up somehow that I can't even understand as he won't tell me what's wrong...I hate being so clingy...but I have no clue how to even start picking up the pieces of my life, I can't even leave the house... I guess I just need a bit of perspective on the situation, I'm too close, and only have him to talk to, I need an outside view...How can someone change their mind so quickly, about something so important? Or did he never intend to stay with me, and I was the sucker who fell for his lines? I want to hate him (which has helped me in the past), but I can't bring myself to do it. I really loved this man, with all my heart, and had even had discussions with him about marriage, kids, and never had the reservations that I had with others. I don't even see where he thinks that the relationship has turned bad, does that mean it was bad from the beginning and I've been his 'mistress' this whole time, despite what he says to me? I can see now that it was clearly a messed up situation, but I'm sat here still missing the bastard. How can I reconcile my feelings with this situation? I can see that he probably managed to pull the wool over my eyes because I was so trusting of him. I feel like I must have so missed the point, was on such a different level from him that it wasn't even funny...I don't think I've ever felt this deceived, trodden on, used...by anyone...How can I stop my heart from hurting? How can I trust anyone again? I just want this pain to go away.... Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.