Need Some Perspective...

[Tavi]

I will try to keep this short, but it is a long story so thank you ahead of time to anyone who takes the time to read this. I just joined, mostly because of this conflict I am going through in my life right now and I feel it may help to hear some similar stories, or at least some tips on how to move on...

 

I recently moved here, and do not know many people or have many friends yet. I met this guy, and immersed myself in the relationship, I'm sure people can sympathize, you get caught up in it and don't go out or do things to meet other people for yourself. So I find myself in a situation now where I am all alone, with no one to talk to.

 

The story of how we got together is complicated...we started as friends and then HE started pursuing me romantically, and eventually told me he had fallen in love with me (after being friends for probably about 6 months). I was reserved, having recently got out of a relationship and knowing that he had past relationship issues of his own. He was married still when we got together, but he assured me (many times) that his marriage was over, he was sure he loved me, he knew what he wanted, and that was to be with me. So you could say that things got off to a rocky start, but we were in love, everything was fantastic, I truly believed all his lies. We would talk about the future, and what we wanted from a relationship, and it seemed we were on the same level. He was going through the period of separation from his wife, I was willing to wait, for what I saw as something very worthwhile. In every sense, we got along great, we were very similar in many ways, all the same interests in activities, food, etc...I really truly loved this man, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

Fast forward two years, he has left me, suddenly, saying that he never thought that things would work out between us, he is still in love with his ex-wife, she wants him back (which hurts), and I guess I am left knowing that he has now, officially, chosen her. What?!?!? Not what he was telling me just yesterday!!! He has apparently been seeing her for quite some time, (weeks, months, I don't know - and he won't admit it). And says that he doesn't even know if things will work out with her, although it sounds to me like he was making sure before dumping me-the 'backup plan'???

 

It took me awhile to realise, but I caught him out in a silly little lie (he said he was on a trip for work - turns out he was 'visiting' his ex). I demanded to know what was going on (this was when I didn't know), he admitted nothing, saying he still loved me he is just 'confused' about what he wants, and agreed to seek counseling. Great, I was thrilled, finally he could work out his issues. He was very loving and consoling, and agreed that he has not been in the best form lately, and that he wanted some time alone to think, so was going to go away for a couple weeks. He reassured me that he still loved me, still wanted to be with me, he kept saying we would talk when he got back. I agreed. However, after the last lie, I did some (very easy) investigating, and found out that his trip 'alone' was actually to see his ex-wife. Needless to say, I was furious, rang him (even though he makes me agree that I won't - now I know why which is because he was spending the night with her), and basically, in no uncertain terms told him he had to stop this. At this point I wasn't sure if he was seeing her as a friend, as some sort of weird finalise things event, if he never even left her, if he was trying to work things out with her...etc...I wanted to know what he was thinking.

 

To make the long story short, he wouldn't talk to me and it turns out because he is at her house with her. He won't admit what they are doing together. He changes his story several times, from still friends and he's over for dinner, to friends to live together and spend the night (in different beds and no 'touching' - his words, not mine). He wouldn't tell me how long they had still been seeing each other (for the whole time for all I know), but still kept insisting that they aren't together, he says she hates him (to which I asked then why do you still apparently live there, and he admitted that she wants to get back together, only to change his story again 5 mins later). Trying to truncate the (very) long conversation, basically he said he is sick of lying, and never wants to see me again. He refuses to talk to on the phone or to offer any better explanation other than 'I changed my mind'. He said some very cruel things (I think she was listening) about how the whole relationship was a big mistake (2 years = a mistake?), he regrets ever getting involved with me, and now he just wants to move on. But then when I asked him about all the things he said to me in the beginning of the relationship, and how he wanted to be with me initially, and he just says, that is how he felt then, and now he's changed his mind. He then refused to talk about it any more, and dismissed me, despite my pleas to understand what is going on, and refuses to return my phone calls. He seems to think that 2 years = nothing in the big scheme of things, compared to the years of happiness he is sure to be in for with his estranged wife (who he left for a reason in the first place - so he told me)? And that being the case, should be easy for me to just 'move on', right? Two years is nothing, he's so blase about it...I'lll find someone else according to him, and he is just going to be 'with no one' (his words). However it certainly sounds as if he's trying to work things out with her, with no intentions of being alone or thinking about anything, or how any of it may have affected me, and the fact that according to him the relationship was dead in the first place!

 

Overnight I have had my boyfriend, my best friend, and the past two years of my life (because he says it was all just a 'mistake') ripped from me. I had no one to talk to, no one to turn to, I admit I called him many times to try and get him to talk to me, just maybe to hear something that I wanted, didn't want, needed? to hear? Mostly I'm scared, scared that he was the "one" for me (is there even such thing as "the one"????) and I've stuffed it up somehow that I can't even understand as he won't tell me what's wrong...I hate being so clingy...but I have no clue how to even start picking up the pieces of my life, I can't even leave the house...

 

I guess I just need a bit of perspective on the situation, I'm too close, and only have him to talk to, I need an outside view...How can someone change their mind so quickly, about something so important? Or did he never intend to stay with me, and I was the sucker who fell for his lines? I want to hate him (which has helped me in the past), but I can't bring myself to do it. I really loved this man, with all my heart, and had even had discussions with him about marriage, kids, and never had the reservations that I had with others. I don't even see where he thinks that the relationship has turned bad, does that mean it was bad from the beginning and I've been his 'mistress' this whole time, despite what he says to me? I can see now that it was clearly a messed up situation, but I'm sat here still missing the bastard. How can I reconcile my feelings with this situation? I can see that he probably managed to pull the wool over my eyes because I was so trusting of him. I feel like I must have so missed the point, was on such a different level from him that it wasn't even funny...I don't think I've ever felt this deceived, trodden on, used...by anyone...How can I stop my heart from hurting? How can I trust anyone again? I just want this pain to go away....

[Moneypenny]

I know this probably isn't very helpful, but what a complete and utter, pathetic, cowardly little man he is. Did he live with you. Did you ever meet any of his friends, or family? From what you've said, it sounds as if he never left his wife at all.

[sonypirates]

Honesty I only read half of your post before I knew what to say. I agree with Moneypenny. Stop talking to him. Flat out just stop. Every time you feel yourself wanting to, stop yourself and do something healthy instead.

 

For now, completely delete him from your life.

 

The reason my ex actually moved to my city was cause of her ex. When they split and her mom moved out of the city she felt completely alone at the time. All she had was her work basically and the friends that worked there but she was only really close with one of them then. The thing is to not rely on your connection with him to sooth your pain of being alone in your current environment.

 

Back to the guy issue now...go complete NC like I said. There's no benefit in keeping him in your life, at least not for the moment. I'm not going to say that there couldn't be a possible benefit in the future but for right now it's not healthy for you.

 

It's so cliche and even cliche to say it's cliche but time will help. I wouldn't even listen to the stuff he has to say to you to be honest. Eventually his words will fade and you'll spend less and less time analyzing it all. His actions for certain show he isn't the one for you right now. He has major baggage. He may or may not be attempting to work on things with his wife but the point is that it doesn't really matter. What matters is that he's not giving you what you deserve as a potential wife, a girlfriend, a friend, or even a person. He threw away and doesn't deserve your attention. Your love should be reserved for someone who is without question willing to give you themselves.

[Tavi]

He threw away and doesn't deserve your attention. Your love should be reserved for someone who is without question willing to give you themselves.

 

Thank you..this actually does help to hear....Now that I look back on it I realise that I didn't ever meet any of his family or friends...he probably never did leave her for all I know...but for 2 years? I suppose I'm just flabbergasted that he carried on for so long and now just suddenly decides to cut it all off, but I suppose people have done worse things.......I'm upset and hurt...but I'm still sat here missing him like hell! Something must be seriously wrong with me to still, even after all the obvious wrongs, be missing this guy? I'm literally sat here staring at the walls, trying not to want to call him just to make the voices in my head stop. It's driving me batty. What do I do to take my mind off him? I would like to try to stop talking to him, but I can't stop thinking about him, and it drives me insane! To be even more cliche, my brain is screaming at me that you are right, there is no benefit for me to talk to him, but my heart just aches to hear his voice... How do I make it stop?

[Moneypenny]

I think you really need to get your thoughts and feelings out by talking to someone. Can you book yourself in to see a counsellor straight away?

 

It doesn't seem that you're going to get any answers from this guy in a hurry, if ever.

[catfeeder]

It's common for separated spouses to reconcile before a divorce is finalized, no matter how long they've been separated. That's why it's never wise to involve yourself with a married man no matter what he 'says' about the state of his marriage. Period.

 

You can blame him all you want if you believe that making him a villain actually helps you in some way, but how does that teach you anything about your own choice to position yourself so badly? You set yourself up. Unless you're willing to see that clearly, you'll consider yourself a victim and give all your decision making power away to anyone with an agenda of his own.

 

The only way to ever feel confident in your choices going forward is to learn from mistakes. This isn't about blaming yourself, it's about empowering yourself with experience and the ability to make better choices as you move forward.

 

I'd make it a goal to surprise myself with my resiliency. I'd invest in building my own social life and career so that I'm on solid ground when I meet men in my future.

 

Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're too bored or lonely to resist the urge to pick them up and play with them."