need vent - partner left

[neevent]

Hello everyone, I am new here. I have a 4 month old child and my partner left home last night and phone closed. Any one has experience?

 

We are together 2 years. He promised to take care of his family before we decided to make the baby. But he has been disappointing. Since I was preganant, he started to work very hard, even late night, playing games. I basically managed the preganance by myself. After the child was born, he was helping with housework for a few weeks, then he is again work very hard, playing games till late night.

 

Finacially I am paying more than him and I took the mortage because he has no savings. When it comes to housework, he agreed to do the hoovering, but I always have to hoover after him and knee on the floor to scrub kitchen and bathroom. We live in a very small apartment so hoovering is something like 10- 20 minutes work. I have to look after the baby during day and night, do food shopping, cooking (since he wants to have less traffic on the road, he leaves for work late and comes home late, usually I will get dinner ready by the time he is home), planning purchase for electronics, baby stuff, renovation...He will play with the baby for a while when he gets home and feeds him before he goes to sleep.

 

I am really tired and tried to talk with him. He changes a bit then falls back to his nelegent self again.

 

What worries me is our values are so different. I come from middle class family and want to have a nice home, nice job, nice kids. He comes from middle class family but his parents pampered all 3 kids so they dont have to go to colleges, dont have to find jobs (his brother has no education and not been working much), blah blah blah. I find it very hard to vision the future with him because he thinks middle class people are boring without own minds. He has been living with poor and unemployed (he thinks those are really creative people), playing in rock band, couldnt make money, then in his 30s he went to university, and during the last 2 years he got fixed term contract. Still he is saying the most important thing in his life is his dream.

 

I am at the verge of thinking to kick him out. Any advice?

[lukeb]

It looks like you had hoped that he would change after the baby was born, and he is still the same person he was probably when you guys met. It is easy to see from the outside looking in how things have actually gotten worse since.

 

You are actually the person who changed and expect him to accept new rules in the relationship imposed on him unilaterally. After a lot of fighting and arguing you might be able to get him to agree to change for you, for a little while, if only it will get you to stop arguing with him. Chances are part of the reason he is coming home late, because home life isn't a very pleasant place to be anymore.

 

You find it very important to keep score in the relationship, cleaning for example. You're probably highly motivated to make sure you do a lot more than him cleaning the apartment so you can use it for more ammunition in your arguments with him when he comes home late from work.

 

I am not saying your partner is perfect, but there are a lot of things you are doing that are not constructive and are hurting the relationship. It may very well be that your values in life are different, but that doesn't make you right and him wrong, it just makes you incompatible. Were you compatible before when you just met? What changed? Is he supposed to give him his life's dreams to conform to yours?

[neevent]

Lukeb, you are right. I see your points. Maybe I have been too strong in posing rules at home. without children, it was easy to work out the differences. with baby at home, i am on maternity leave, it is stressful and neither of us has relative nearby. Have to manage everything on our own. That also magnifies the small issues.

 

On the other hand, he comes home late not because home itself but he leaves for work late. usually people leave for work at 7.30 or 8am , he thinks train would be crowded so he leaves for work at 9.30am, thats why he is home always at dinner time. I am posting this hoping to see how other couples are managing.

 

actualy i have been talking with him if we could arrange a cleaning lady to help with the cleaning, but he doesnt want to spend the money and said he would do it. I do it myself because the rooms are quite dusty during the week. I am home with the baby I want to have a clean home. I resent his late home coming because the baby is most fuzzy around 5pm-7pm, lots of crying. I have to comfort him and cooking same time. It is stressful and also my back hurt. I cannot carry him long while cooking. When he comes home, he wants warm meal well done. It is always there.

 

Well he doesnt have to give up his dreams to comform to mine, but if his dream or hard work doesnt bring home money, I am earning the bread, I think he shall do his share of contribution for baby sitting and housework. Am I being too demanding?

 

when our values are different, it is difficult to talk on the same basis. Thats the main reason I am wondering if we could live together. If he wants a nice home and nice kids, we could work out a plan that fits both. But he wants to think his dreams, I find talking about nice home is not very interesting to home.