Criticizing your spouses family/ friends

[Rabican]

Ill try to keep this brief. My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married about 2 (just background info, not really pertinant to the question).

 

We live about 1000 miles from our immediate families, were down south, and both of our families are up north. So we dont see them often. Whenever the topic of family comes up, its pretty often that my wife will start making snide comments about my family and how 'their values are different than her family values'. The values shes talking about are things like my parents not pushing my brother and sister and I to go to college, or move out of the house sooner etc. She seems to insinuate that her parents way of doing things were 'better' as opposed to just different but doesnt really come out and say it. Shell say things like I think your parents just didnt do you any favors by not making you go to college. Recently she had been making quite a few comments about my brother, hes 28 but still lives at home. Until I dunno, the last year or two he hadnt been working. But now he has a full time job, pays his own bills, just bought a car etc. He also helps out a lot with stuff around my parents house etc... and I know they can use the help, both money wise, and otherwise as my dad has some health problems at the moment.

 

This really isnt a huge deal, but I find it annoying. I dont see why she feels the need to criticize my brother for anything. Hes 1000 miles away, they dont talk to each other unless we go home for christmas etc. Nothing that he does really has any impact on her whatsoever. The other day she started on him after hearing me talking to my parents on skype. He got a car, she heard this, then proceeded (after I hung up skype) to say well hes still going to be living at home forever, its just sad, he should get a life, get his own place etc. I basically just tuned her out and told her I didnt care because Its not her life. If my brother wants to live at home til hes 90, well I wouldnt do it myself I wouldnt really recommend it either. Then again I dont see how or why it should bother me, let alone my wife. I dont know if shes just doing this just to pick a fight with me, or because for some reason this really does bother her but either way I find it rather annoying.

 

I could think of a LOT of things her sister has done that I wouldnt do, but thats her life. I dont care. Im not going to invest my energy, time, etc. in other peoples problems (or percieved problems) when I have a life, family, marriage, bills, kids etc. of my own.

 

This isnt really a huge issue to me in th e sense that Ill just avoid the topic most of the time, or ignore her critiques... I was just thinking about it and thought I would ask for some replies, any thoughts would be appreciated.

[gluestick]

I don't think your wife is doing this to pick fights with you. Most likely she's just inconsiderate and ignorant to the fact that it's annoying and it bothers you. You should talk to her and let her know that you would appreciate her to stop openly criticizing your family, especially when it doesn't affect your everyday life.

 

If you find what she is doing annoying, yet keep putting up with it by tuning it out, you are only enabling this behavior. Can you imagine having to put up with this all the time for the rest of your life? It might not be a big problem now, but eventually you might come to resent her. You can prevent that through communication in a non-confrontational way. Just tell how you feel. GL!

[catfeeder]

I would leave this alone unless there's a next time, but I'd also actively attempt to prevent that by keeping my dealings with my own family as private as possible. That's the effort I'd consider 'doing my part' to shield my family relationship from wife's opinions. Should something get past this shield to prompt comment, I'd explain to wife that I'm open to discussing anything in the world with her except for negative comments about my family or hers.

 

That's the standard line I'd use to respond to any disregard from wife going forward. It's not a defense, it's a request for respect. If she continues to disregard this, I'd ask her whether she can understand why I view her comments as disrespectful to ME after I've told her that my door is closed in such discussion, and I'd tell her that if she wants to start a war about this it will impact our marriage.

[Rabican]

Ive told her its not really a subject that a, I want to talk about and b, one that she needs to concern herself with. Its not like her, and her family are 100% problem free so she feels she can move on to solving my families issues. I think its just either disrespect, or thickheadedness (hate to use that term about the wife) but Im not sure how else to describe her going back to this issue again and again when Ive said not to.

 

I think Ill just have to make a firmer point about how I think its disrespectful, and that she needs to just zip it, and see if shell stop. Its not an all the time thing, nor even a really frequent thing.. but I think I should be able to talk to my family without having her criticize, epsecially if she doesnt have to deal with them. Not like Im asking her to let them come live with us.

[Celadon]

I have a sibling who lives at home as well. My question for your wife would be whether she can still love and care about an in law who doesn't share the same values as her. Because sometimes picking on other people is an easy way out of what you're really supposed to be doing.

[Rabican]

This may sound callous but I dont care if she wants to love him or care about him. They arent close, arent going to be, they really dont have anything in common except for me... and I just cant see my brother hanging out with my wife except on holidays etc. where I am there. Id just like to not hear criticism of someone else when its not necessary.