What are the chances LDR will survive?

[thecynic]

Hi there,

 

I met this guy online. It wasn't a dating site. It was a forum site similar to this one. We were regulars on it for about 4 years now. So, we know each other for quite awhile. We started chatting 8 months ago, one on one, through instant messaging and he came to visit me 2 times so far. He lives about 2.5-3 hours away. He has plans to get a job so he has gas money to visit me more regularly once he finishes his GRE. This will probably develop into a relationship. I like this guy. But I am really worried LDR won't work and I will end up dealing with a breakup again. Once he gets a job, we will be able to see each other once every 2 weeks which is fine. But after this year, he is planning to go to grad school much further away which means we will only see each other during Christmas break and summer and maybe a few times in between. On top of that, he never dated any other girls before me and so I worry that he would probably end up with a strong desire to see what else is out there. Me, on the other hand is more settled because I have already dated a few guys. I would much more prefer to not have to go through another painful breakup. I am very fragile emotionally. So far, he seems to be taking a very light approach to our relations. I don't think he has any plans for us in the future. I suspect that he only wants a girl and to get laid because he never had that.

[LDRohnos]

Well...there's more red flags in your post than there are words..somehow.

 

Going to be an extended LDR while he's in Grad school...which can take 2+ years.

Never dated anyone before you and wants in an LDR? Yeah...not a good idea.

You're already afraid of a breakup before the relationship has even had a chance to mature.

 

I think your intuition is telling to get out... You can either listen to it or take a chance. Personally every time I do not listen to my gut it goes horribly wrong. Almost 100% of the time.

[LDRohnos]

I'm not saying it cannot work out. Actually I think a few people on this forum ended up hooking up and one such couple was recently married. This is going to be a huge commitment from both of you...you both better be jumping together.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm not saying it cannot work out. Actually I think a few people on this forum ended up hooking up and one such couple was recently married. This is going to be a huge commitment from both of you...you both better be jumping together.

 

My husband and I would be that couple Rohnos is talking about. We met on here almost 2 years ago and just got married Oct. 15th. The clincher? We live 4,000 miles apart and in 2 different countries and after getting married, he went back to England until I move over there next year.

 

LDRs are not for the faint of heart. They are hard, they are tiring, but they can be SO rewarding. Not all LDRs work - and I do not advocate all LDRs simply because I am in one - and most of the time you could tell a mile away before the relationship started that it wasn't going to work. My personal opinion, your first relationship shouldn't be a LDR. There is no way my relationship wih my husband would be at the strength it is if he was my first relationship because you grow from relationship to relationship. If I hadn't learned from my firsts relationship to stop being so pig headed, learn how to trust, better my communication skills, I wouldn't have just gotten married.

 

LDRs you sacrifice to be with each other. My husband and I are having to spend the first year of our marriage apart in order to end the distance sooner. We could see each other again before my move over but it would push my move back a few months. If you do decide to enter this LDR you need to both be on the same page.

 

When will the distance end? 2 years from now? 4? 6? The longer a LDR drags out the more chance it has to end.

Are you on the same wavelength in life? Do you both want marriage? kids?

If/when the distance ended, would you both be willing to move?

 

And all your other basic boundaries in a relationship. In a LDR you have to be clear what you expect and where you stand as a person and as a couple. Otherwise, save yourself the heart ache.

[thecynic]

My personal opinion, your first relationship shouldn't be a LDR. There is no way my relationship wih my husband would be at the strength it is if he was my first relationship because you grow from relationship to relationship. If I hadn't learned from my firsts relationship to stop being so pig headed, learn how to trust, better my communication skills, I wouldn't have just gotten married.

 

 

Yes, relationships does help in making people better lovers. That applies to my own experience as well. But this guy is actually surprisingly mature and a good communicator for someone who has never dated a girl in his life. He is actually much more mature than some guys I know (who have dated girls before). I think he learned much from his 4 years on an advice forum. lol.

 

But I think your point about being on the same page was really helpful. I think I need to talk to him and ask him what he is looking for (something fun and short term or something serious and long term).

[DipsyDoodle]

I personally believe that LDR's can work but it takes COMITTMENT to each other and the relationship on BOTH sides. If two people REALLY and truly love each other and want to be with each other then it WILL and CAN work.

[Irial]

I am in a bit of a similar situation as you. Although I am already dating my boyfriend and he is already in grad school now. I met him on a website (not a dating site either) and we became great friends. Eventually we started dating (9 months ago) and he's been in grad school since June. I last saw him in May and will see him again for 9 days during Christmas break.

 

I can tell you this: it will be difficult. It all depends on how much you are willing to bear to make it work. I truly love my boyfriend and we both hope we can close the distance sometime soon after grad school ends, but I fully understand how important this opportunity is for him. In fact, I also expect to go to grad school in 2 years myself, because I value education so much. If you are able to see how important these things are in a person's life, and are able to live with the fact your boyfriend (and you for that matter) is working on his future for it to be a better future for the both of you as well, then you are going to find the strength to get through it.

 

However, I do think you should make sure you are both after the same thing. Clearly if he doesn't mean to start a serious relationship but just wants a fling, it is best to avoid it. I don't know if it is likely for this relationship to work because nobody can (hell, I don't even know if MINE can work!), but living this situation already wondering about how a break up would go, is the wrong way to look at it.

 

So I guess my advice is: talk to him and try to understand what your life goals are and if you are a part of his as much as you wish he was a part of yours. Don't obsess over the possibility of a break up because that can happen with just about ANYONE, even if he was your neighbor. Break ups hurt, but they are a good thing because they help us understand who isn't right for us and move on to find somebody who is better suited to make us happy. And be ready to find things in your life that you can feel passionate about because if your life is empty and only revolves around your partner, being in a LDR is going to be the worst thing you could ever live through. Being in a LDR like this requires a person to be able to be independent enough as to be able to make the best of the absence of their loved one. This is all advice I can give you from experience, but of course I can't know for sure what will work for you.

 

Best of luck regardless feel free to message me if you want to talk.