Back together 3 months...

[thagator]

And everything is going great so far. We always do fun stuff together, go on nice dates, have sex pretty often. My gf has done a total 180 since she broke up with me. Now she always expresses her desire to marry me one day, says she will never leave me and that was the biggest mistake of her life, says that she realized during our time apart that she could never find someone as good as me and she became miserable without me. These all sound like good things but I just have a little concern. Is this just part of a "honeymoon" phase for us? We have indeed worked on our problems which wrecked us before, mostly communication. I'm just worried that her feelings about me will start to change again once the novelty and butterflies wear off. Any experience with this and any advice anyone would care to give me to keep this relationship going full steam ahead?

[Aru]

Wow great! Why did you break up? For how long? Rebound? NC? Details!!!

[SweetSeul]

Oh happy for you! How did you guys get back together?

[thagator]

Well the reason she gave when we originally broke up was her teling me the usual break up stuff like "it doesn't feel the same," "I love you but not in love with you anymore" blah blah blah. Now I know she was sort of letting me off easy and she actually broke up with me because she was having doubts and got sucked in by her crazy ex boyfriends demands and she wanted to know if they were done for sure(she never cheated or anything like that), and she just basically wanted to know what else was out there because she wasn't positive if I was right for her. After we broke up she realized that her ex bf sucks hard and he's a nutjob and that of all the guys she has met I'm the one who by far treated her the best and with the most respect. I went total NC the day after the break up for 6 months and was TOTALLY over it and she came "crawling" back. At first I didn't want her back but when we met up I gave her a hug towards the end of the night and it made her so happy that she literally started crying. I folded and a few weeks later we were back together. Now she has been absolutely amazing and doesn't even talk to her ex or anything and she treats me near perfectly and said she can't stand being away from me for more than a day.

[HopeArises]

I got my gf back after I thought all hope was lost and 9 months later she left me again, even though I had made all the improvements and they were real. So, just be cautious I say. For the first 5-6 months of us being back it was MAGIC.

[thagator]

I got my gf back after I thought all hope was lost and 9 months later she left me again, even though I had made all the improvements and they were real. So, just be cautious I say. For the first 5-6 months of us being back it was MAGIC.

 

Who made the move to get back in your case, though? Who was the original dumper? And did she ever tell you things like "I will never leave you again?"

[DesMoines]

Thanks for posting this.

I got dumped for the same reason, and this gives me just the tiniest bit of hope.

Whatever gets you through the day, right?

[thagator]

Thanks for posting this.

I got dumped for the same reason, and this gives me just the tiniest bit of hope.

Whatever gets you through the day, right?

Yeah, but honestly, either way you will end up happy as long as you go about it the correct way. After 3 months I really couldn't have cared less whether or not she came back thanks to NC. By 5 months I hardly even thought about her at all and was extremely happy. Funny how it works out, as soon as I was ready to put myself back on the market to new girls after I enjoyed single life for a few months is when she came storming back. Apparently she had been missing me a lot for about two months but was too proud to come back to me, eventually I was all she could think about and she had to swallow her pride. It was almost as if she had a sixth sense that I was about to be with somebody else haha.

[SweetSeul]

Did you go cold turkey NC because you knew she was interested in someone else? Did she ever initiate contact with you during that period?

[thagator]

Did you go cold turkey NC because you knew she was interested in someone else? Did she ever initiate contact with you during that period?

She wasn't interested in somebody else...she just wasn't 100% sure she wanted to be with me in general and sort of wanted to see what else was out there. I went cold turkey NC because in my previous break up with somebody else I stayed in contact and it got me nowhere, I knew it was best if I went NC. She did initiate contact after maybe 3 months but it was just for me to come pick up some stuff she still had(I never went and picked it up). When I mention her ex bf it's not because she wanted to get back together with him per se, it's because she wasn't sure whether or not she still had feelings for him and she didn't want to drag me through the mud in the case she did have feelings for him. Turns out she ended up not having feelings for him and in fact she ended up hating him because he's a jealous type and they have been broken up for four years and he's not over it yet. She came to the realization that for these four years he has still been controlling her because she always had to consider his feelings if she wanted to be with a different guy and he would get pissed and upset the balance within her group of friends(they remained "friends" because they share all of the same friends). She now resents him for his controlling behavior and realizes the only reason he wants to be friends is because he has an ulterior motive. Turns out I was the only one for her.

[gluestick]

I would advise you to be very careful in your situation. Sometimes when things seem too good to be true, it probably is. She had GIGS, went back to her ex-bf, realized he treated her like crap, then comes running back to you when she's hit an emotional low. Based on what or how you described it, it sounds like she came back to what's comfortable for her. Who's to say she won't leave again or have another case of GIGS? For now, go with the flow, but just be careful. Look at HopeAries' example.

[thagator]

I would advise you to be very careful in your situation. Sometimes when things seem too good to be true, it probably is. She had GIGS, went back to her ex-bf, realized he treated her like crap, then comes running back to you when she's hit an emotional low. Based on what or how you described it, it sounds like she came back to what's comfortable for her. Who's to say she won't leave again or have another case of GIGS? For now, go with the flow, but just be careful. Look at HopeAries' example.

 

That's the thing, though. She didn't get back together with her ex. She just didn't know what she wanted and said that she broke up with me mainly because she was at a low in her life and she felt that was the only thing she had control over. I'll admit that was sort of a case of GIGS, but she didn't want a particular person other than me...she just didn't know exactly what she wanted and says the break up made her realize that what she truly wanted is me. I will take your advice, though, I need to be careful.

[gluestick]

Do you know why she was feeling low? It could shed some light as to why she felt breaking up with you was her only choice.

[EgoJoe]

If she starts to act shady next time, dump her QUICK and go NC. Otherwise act like everything is fine because it is but maintain healthy boundaries and attraction.

[thagator]

Do you know why she was feeling low? It could shed some light as to why she felt breaking up with you was her only choice.

She was having trouble on deciding what to do for school, there was a rift between her and her group of friends because of our relationship(she wasn't able to hang out with them as much because her ex made things awkward and stuff like that), and she was having family problems. She felt that breaking up with me was the only thing she still had control over in her life. She said at first after the break up she wa having fun and all that, but as time went by she just got sadder and sadder and realized it was her ex and his b.s which mostly made her unhappy and she was way more happy with me around as I always picked her up by making her laugh and smile. Now she has school figured out, pretty much hates her ex, and said this is the happiest she has ever been. She stated she will do whatever it takes to make it work this time because she was so miserable without me.

[thagator]

What do you make of that?

[gluestick]

We won't know for sure what she's thinking. In fact, we'll never know. What's past is in the past. In order for your reconciliation to be successful, you have to treat this as a new relationship. Right now she hasn't done anything to indicate she might leave you again, but I can totally understand having your guard up and afraid that she might pull the same stunt. For now, just go with the flow and enjoy her company and best of luck!

[diarmuidz]

Good for you man. I think my thing is somewhat similar - ex left me because I guess she wasn't into me anymore, or felt doubts about us... she insisted there was no one else and I believe her. Only thing I wish I did differently was go NC immediately - instead we had like 4-5 emails that first month, and then I asked her back again, and we talked about it but she wasn't interested. I should have just done NC right from the BU conversation, but that's okay... I'm doing it now.... maybe she'll come back, or not... who knows.. But glad to hear how things worked out for you - your story is the ideal way I would like to reconcile with my ex.

 

BTW what did you do in your time apart? Dated? lost weight? travel? anything specific you'd care to share?

[NCMaster]

What do you make of that?

 

Just remember that it takes two people to be happy on their own and with themselves to make a relationship work. Hopefully after the initial "happiness" normalizes, she wont turn into an unhappy person again expecting you to carry her and the relationship.

Other than that, good for you! I hope it works out!

[HopeArises]

Who made the move to get back in your case, though? Who was the original dumper? And did she ever tell you things like "I will never leave you again?"

 

Okay, the first 7 months of our relationship I wasn't the easiest guy to get along with. I picked on her a lot (not in a mean or cruel way, but just in a how come you're so quiet? How comes you don't do this or that?). I also threatened to leave her a lot and every time we could chasing after me not to leave her. So, after 7 months of this, she finally snapped, broke down to one of her gf's, her aunt and her sister in law and they all told her to leave me. That she deserves better than that and they WERE RIGHT. She left me, but she was still in love with me. I realized what I had done immediately and felt horrible. I got my act together and wanted to make it up to her. She tried once over the phone (shortly after she ended it) to tell me that she thought we should go our separate ways and cut all ties. I calmly convinced her that I had been taking action and realized what I had done wrong and if we can start off as friends and see if it takes off from there. She agreed and within 6 weeks we were back together. She announced it to her family friends (all of which weren't happy with her decision), but as for US, we were AMAZING. Better than before and I actually was a different person with her.

 

Fast forward about 5-6 months of things being amazing (not even a single argument), things started not going well for her in her life (family related and stress at work) and she started to crack and distance herself a bit. I didn't handle it well and part of me was scared she would leave (at this point she had NO intentions of leaving, but the fear of her doing so was there on my part). So, I got a little insecure for about a week and things blew up. She didn't leave, but shortly after that, she had DOUBTS again. Her doubts were creep up what seemed like once a week (usually on weekends when we were supposed to be together). The I'm not sure anymore. I'm scared. I don't know if I feel the same way and she would constantly tell me she spoke to this girlfriend, or that girlfriend and they think this or that. SO, now her girlfriends were against me and it seemed like her family was as well (or at least her older brother). Anyways, after 2.5 months of this back and forth in emotions, she actually CALMED down and things got great again, until a week before it ended.

 

The week before it ended I did something stupid, by picking on her that she was quiet (after having spent an amazing day together at a wine vineyard). She immediately said she can't do this anymore. I calmed her down and things for the next week were great, until the final weekend. We went to her brothers house for supper and I was tired and asked her if we could leave a little early. We did. The next morning her brother texted her saying he needs to talk to her about me. That he and others do not think I am good for her. That they don't like me. Then she consulted with her newly single gf's and they of course backed her up and so, just like that, after 18 months and us rebuilding something, she LEFT.

 

I backed off immediately and accepted her decision. That was 6 weeks ago this coming Monday. My having pulled back and going into NC. I have not initiated once this time. Surprisingly, SHE HAS (twice). The first time was a question of whether or not she can cash a check I gave her. She knew she could. She sent me this on a Saturday night. I replied a couple of days later with of course. Never once engaging her. She replied back with a thanks and a little more. I replied with you're welcome and a joke and she came back with huge laughter and then I found myself texting her back and forth for the next few minutes with that ongoing joke. I cut it short on a high and she wished me a good night. I went back into NC and this past Monday she texted me wishing me a happy birthday and said she hopes I'm having a great day! I replied with a thanks and she came back with a smile.

 

SO, after 6 weeks, I will be initiating contact next week (I have her stuff to give back to her). I am feeling confident in doing so.

 

So, that's my story. Feel free to offer me YOUR advice that you see fit. It would be appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[roger23]

Congratulations man. This really gives me a little hope in my situation. My girl broke up with me for pretty much the same reason. "I'm not in love, my feelings have changed." Meanwhile I always treated her extremely well the whole relationship.

[thagator]

Honestly, I really don't think it's a good idea to plan on initiating contact. You could just send her a short text apologizing for your mistakes, and make sure to identify some of these mistakes as to let her know that you have recognized them. Tell her you respect her decision and just back away. Truly reflect on your relationship and what you, and you as a couple did wrong. Not going to lie, her friends being against you along with her family might just be a good indicator to just move on to the next relationship. I know all girls do is talk about their boyfriends, I have witnessed my gf and her friends talking to another of their friends about her bf which they didn't like, it wasn't pretty and they were very convincing. I'm lucky enough where her friends love me, as does her family, I have actually become very close with her two best friends. Give it a few months NC and then ecaluate your situation and decide whether or not you think it's worth it to try and smooth things out. After 6 months NC I can tell you that my perspective completely changed and it took her crying and admitting her own mistakes and telling me she will do anything for us to work for me to consider getting back together. I wish I could be of more help but our situations are a little bit different.

[Ms Darcy]

I can understand your hesistation. Just make sure you don't spend too much time together and that can help prevent "burn out." Good luck.