utopie Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Hi everybody, If you read my previous posts, I sent a FB message to my ex (broke up with me 1 month ago after 3 years together, NIC for 3 weekds, NC for 2) yesterday. I told him did not want to see you when you brought me back my snowboard because it would have been too hard for me. I miss you and us. Some days are harder than others. I hope you're well". He replied today: "its definitely been a tough few weeks. I miss you too. How was Asia?" I am not sure what to say or do. I don't want to be friends with him (he knows that) and I don't want to be strung along. I do love him. Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Why did he break up with you? Link to comment
utopie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 He's 27, I'm 29. He's never been in love before and I am his first real (more than 2 months) girlfriend. He is a quiet and kind of 'closed' guy. He was not sure he loved me anymore, was attracted to other women from time to time although he never cheated on me, he wanted to experience first dates again. He was emotionally satisfied but not sexually anymore and I was not wither: we both agreed on that and managed to find the things that were not working. We basically did not communicate about that and as a consequence he felt attracted to other women (as well as to me). He cried (for the first time) for an hour in my arms when he broke up with me, said he could not do it, that he might be making a mistake told him he was a great guy, that women never saw him for what he truly is which is an amazing being and that they are idiots. I let him go with my love and best wishes which made him cried harder as he said "look at you, you're so loyal, it's an important quality to me, so kind, so nice. People usually lash at each other." I told him that our relationship was a beautiful, drama-free, one based on respect, affection and support should our breakup be bitter? He finally left and moved out all of his stuff and the last time I saw him, we stayed in a park for an hour. It started with "I think I made the right decision" and finished on a "I don't know anymore. I have to think about us" as he adores so many things about me and liked our couple dynamics. Last time he wanted to see me to give me back my snowboard, I just could not face him and told him to just leave my last belonging in front of the door. It's hard. I don't know what to say. I love him. I think I want him back but it made me suffer so much. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Ugh... I wouldn't like a message like that. I could be wrong, but it sounds like he said he missed you too, because you said you missed him. contact will just make it worse... i wouldn't respond to his message. Link to comment
utopie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 I don't know shikashika. You might be right but he is a pretty blunt, straightforward type of guy: he would not say it if he did not believe it. I asked him several times to just tell me "I don't love you anymore" so I can move on with my life but each time he said "You konw I can't. I don't know." It would hurt but it would also free me if he could just say it. Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 "I don't know anymore. I have to think about us" This seems to imply that he never truly wanted you two to end permantly. If you say you're his first real, long-term gf, and if he's implying that he truly misses you and wants things back the way they were, then maybe you two should meet up & go over the situation. Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 This sounds like mine and an ex's situation 2 years ago. I dated a guy who had a bit of depression issues (and possibly bi-polar), and about 6-7 months into a great relationship (nothing wrong, loved each other dearly!) he started having a depression breakdown and went through what people call a "bipolar breakup" (it's real... google it! lol). Anyway, he said he didn't know what he wanted in life anymore and a bunch of other life ponderings, which eventually led to us breaking up. (Oh FYI I'm not implying your ex has depression or is bi-polar... that was just added for my story lol) Because we'd been friends for over 15 years, we have stayed friends to this day. But to this day, he still says he regrets leaving me... He didn't really admit to his regrets til months after we'd broken up, but by then I was completely over him as I'd realized the emotional rollercoaster wasn't healthy for me. I didn't stay in touch with him in the beginning as I was more angry at his decision than I was hurt. So NC definitely works, if you're trying to get him to realize his mistake. In my case, I wasn't interested, so he has to live with his decision... I suggest you stay no contact, focus on YOU... and in a couple months when things are settled down, then you will both have a better understanding of the situation. It's really hard to think when we're bombarded with all the drama... I suggest clearing your mind and giving it a few weeks. If he truly loves you, he'll still be there. Link to comment
utopie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 He did not say he wanted me back in his message though and I have not replied yet. I feel like telling him that I enjoyed my trip, that it was an amazing experience but also add "I miss you and you miss me but you don't want "us" anymore? You truly believe you made the right decision?" Link to comment
utopie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 Wow, XxJustMexX, he was actually seeing a psychologist before we dated and at the very beginning of the relationship but stopped after a while. He is also a lot into Eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now, The Power of Intention by Dyer. He has a very different philosophy of life Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I think he's just not ready for a relationship yet. I'm sure there's plenty of questions running through his mind especially if you were his first girlfriend. He's just getting out there. You were his first love and he'll always remember you because of that and I'm sure the breakup is killing him as much as it's killing you. Being someone's first is always a big risk when they haven't experienced enough of life and relationships to know if they've found what they're looking for. I think at some point you might want to be friends with him again. For the time being though I agree that you should just move on and break contact with him for the time being. There may be in a time in the future when you can talk to him and not feel those urges and regrets and that is when it's possible you can have a friendship with him again. Link to comment
utopie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 He figured it out after 3 years hey? I kept on telling him that maybe he needed to date before settling down withe me and kept on saying that I was "it", I was the only one. I know that I cannot be friends with him. I don't want a friendship with him. I guess I'll just let it be Link to comment
carrie8484 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 this is so difficult. i was also my ex's first real girlfriend, and we broke up due to similar issues to yours. we were perfect when we were together, but the relationship lacked passion, despite thefact we had a great connection. i dont think you should reply to his facebook message. i have made a few errors since my BU, and as your ex is sampling GIGS - the grass is greener syndrome - just like my ex, he reallyneeds to feel the effects of his decision. i am still attempting no contact with my ex and it is 5 months since we broke up. little bits of contact just keep them reassured that you are still around and they will not miss you the same way as if you disappear more solidly. i have messed up my chance of recon by remaining in low contact with my ex,all his cntact meant nothing, he refused when i asked him to meet me, and now he is even more 'over' me because he has weaned himself off me. stick with NC for your own sake, unless his next message is him instigating to meet up or whatever.good luck Link to comment
utopie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 I agree Carrie. I won't reply. It's over even though it kills me Link to comment
utopie Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Well I replied. I know, I know but I did what felt right to me. If it's going to bite my in the a** then so be it. Here is what I said: "Asia was a great life experience but I don't really want to talk about it. I just cannot make small talk or be friends with you and I'm sure you understand that. I just felt the need to tell you I missed and I was not necessarily expecting an answer. But you did give me one and even if you miss me and I miss you I guess you don't want to come back to me because you realized you loved me after all. It's unfair (but not your fault) to me because I still love you and want you to start a new beginning with me. I cannot be strung along though said you would think about us and it's been more than a month so you must have figured things out and either you love me or you don't, it's as simple as that. So, I'll let you be because I have to let go of any hope that you'll come back and I need to forget about you and us and move on to something else for my own well-being. Maybe a message is not ideal and a call or in person would have been better. If you don't want to reply by email, which I know you don't like, feel free to call or talk to me in person if you prefer. Thank you for everything doudou, I think it's really time to say goodbye this time" I need to know now whether he loves me or not, whether he has figured things out or not. There are only 2 possible answers: 1. I made the right decision. I miss you but I don't love you anymore. 2.We need to talk I have to ready my heart for number 1. What do you think of my message? Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Hi utopie. How did this turn out...? I hope you're ok? Link to comment
utopie Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Hi XxJustMexX. Oh yes I got my answer: I can't say I'll never want to come back but right now this feels like where I need to be. I don't think a long term relationship is what is good for me right now. We are on different paths right now that will be much more obvious in a few months when we start planning where to move next. I have a select number of places that I hope to apply to (such as northern europe) and they're not places I would guess you're interested in either. I do care deeply about you (I really mean that) but I need to be on my own now. Translation: "I don't love you anymore and I don't see a future with you. I want to let you down easy though by saying "I can't say I'll never want to come back" and "I need to be on my own" or "I deeply care about you" to make me feel less guilty and make you feel better. What I want now though is find another woman and even if I leave next year for Northern Europe, I won't mind getting in a relationship with a nice woman. I just don't want YOU." So I replied: "But then you don't love me? You broke up with me anticipating the fact we would end up in different places instead of actually talking about it and finding a way? You don't think that I would compromise for the person I love without compromising my future, my dreams? You did not want to stay with me at least until we go to other places. Thank you for your answer though." I immediately I was blaming him so I quickly sent another one: "Never mind what I said. I understand. Thank you again". There is no way he's coming back. "caring deeply" is just not loving. If he really loved me he would stick with me at least until we figure out where we want to go. He knows that other men are interested, that I won't stay single and if he is fine with me dating other men then it truly means he does not love me and wants someone else. It's the harsh reality and it hurts. I have no anger though: I'm his first love, his first real relationship. He wants to see what's out there, see if there are not better suited women for him. He thinks couples never get into a routine and the love we feel at the very beginning of a realtionship always stays the same instead of turning into a more quiet, deeper one. He's 27 but does not know, he is experiencing what most people experience earlier. At least I have the satisfaction to have let him go without screaming at him and blaming him. He broke up with me in tears while I was comforting him and telling him "you're a great guy". But if he thinks we are going to keep in touch to tell each other where we are going, he's mistaken. All I wish is to never see him on campus and especially with another woman. I don't want to know a single thing about his life and I don't want him to contact me just to check up on me. I get that I'm his first real love, that he wants me somehow in his life but he's not my first and I don't want him in mine, probably ever. That hurt me too much was talking about kids, marriage, finding an appartment that is pet-friendly in the next city we would move in together, that we would end up in the same city, that everything will work out, until a week before the break-up. I don't hate him but I need to do what's good for me about him and us (at least for now, and then look back with just mere fondness) Link to comment
utopie Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 It' so strange but I feel relieved and much stronger now that I have his answer. I wanted it to be over. It had been going on for more than a month where he was just unsure of everything and I just wanted an answer, good or bad. His answer made me cry of course and I thought I was back to square one, back to the day he broke up with me, but no I'm not. I feel stronger everyday and I think (just a little bit) less about him. Why would I love somebody who doesn't love me? Why would I want somebody who doesn't want me? Why would I wait on somebody who crushed my heart and threw it away like a dirty old rag? Why would I think about him constantly when he doesn't think about me that much? Life is going on all around me cannot just be a passive onlooker. Sorry about the monologue Link to comment
northpickle Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Hey utopie It sucks, doesn't it? I also got the "I care about you deeply" line a month after we split up and it led to false hope for the month after, as he seemed to be confused and struggling. But I've had enough, he still seems sad but doesn't want to try again at the moment (note he said "at the moment", I'm trying not to dwell on that, it's over for ME now) and so I'm back into NC. Monologue as much as you like! It helps me a lot to get my thoughts written down, and I'm hoping I'll come back in the future, read through all my posts and be very glad I'm in a better place will be fine without them, however much it hurts right now x Link to comment
utopie Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Oh it does northpickle. Looks like we are on the same boat. When it's over, it's over. Something is forever broken, I would never trust him again. I also keep a journal helps. My friends also listen to me...a lot. They've been worried as I have lost a lot of weight (and I'm already thin). The truth is we definitely will be fine but sometimes, depending on the days or times during the days, it's hard to see it this way. Link to comment
northpickle Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I agree now with the "when it's over it's over" thing you say, although it's taken me 2 months to get there! I've been cruising on false hope for the past 9 weeks, I'm just coming to terms with the fact it's over. I'm also slim and have lost lots of weight, we sound so similar, haha! And yeah, it's still minute by minute, day by day. The happy memories are the worst thing, I've cried for a minute a couple of times today but accepting it's over is starting to give me a different type of strength to the wobbly "false hope" that was getting me through each day previously. I've been through this before (although I handled it much differently and it was 2003!) and I will get there again. You will too. Do you have plenty of things to fill your day with? That is my next step. I'm still finding it easier to be on my own a lot of the time still but I need to stop watching the world go by, like you say, and join the ride again! Link to comment
utopie Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 And I am 29 so very close in age with you. I have busy days am a graduate student and I teach at university. I have a thesis to write. Needless to say that I haven't been able to work on it for more than a month. A very good friend of mine also got dumped by her BF of 5 years when she was 29, finishing her thesis. She was devastated and had to do job interviews. She pulled through and got an amazing job. She is now with a man who loves her deeply and unconditionally. She told me she has everything she never had with her ex. Her ex regrets ever letting go of her and still tries to contact her is a great woman (I hate to say it but "much better than her ex" in my opinion) and when he dumped her everybody was speechless. Everything does happen for a reason I guess. You should join some time of club. What do you like? Dancing, sports, reading, painting? I'm learning swing dance and I'm taking kickboxing (I used to do it before getting with my ex) helps. We are strong women. We'll find a man who will cherish us and won't trample our heart. If he does I'll be much stronger by then Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I'm real glad you realized that you shouldn't cry over someone who doesn't love you! I think I mentioned it to you in my PM but I definitely felt the same way with my ex and that DEFINITELY helped in getting over him... and QUICKLY might I add... You seem to be taking this really well and I truly am happy for you. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but since I've been through the same thing I was really concerned about your specific post... I'm glad you're taking this well and I hope you recover from this heartbreak soon! From the way it sounds, you're definitely going in the right direction so I don't see it bringing you down very long. Link to comment
utopie Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 What you shared with me greatly helped. I feel better and stronger, I know there is an end to the tunnel but it does not mean I won't be crying in an hour or tomorrow for a few minutes. Thank you and thanks to all of you. I'm going to keep visiting the forum helps and I hope I can help others although I'm not the best at it Link to comment
northpickle Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Hey, there's no shame in crying. To be honest, 2 months down the line I don't think I've cried enough yet! But he's never seen me suffer although he knows me well enough to know (probably) what I'm going through...but heads up! I do like your "everything happens for a reason" thing - I thought that when I got together with my ex - that we were both friends, single and found each other in and around the "30" age mark - like it was fate. Like it was a beautiful and fateful thing, how we and our friends thought it was so beautiful and it's sad that it has come to this. I just want to hold him, do something crazy and romantic but no, I've kept away from him. I think he was expecting me to react differently. That gives me strength. This forum has helped me so much for venting (look at my post count! embarrassing!). Take care, we can do it! x Link to comment
utopie Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 I agree helps too. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. If it does not work out between us then it was just not meant to be. I'll be with a man who loves me unconditionally and knows what he wants, has had his fair share of experiences. So will you. For now I'm focusing on myself and being a better human being everyday. I learned a lot about myself in this relationship. I'm sure you did too. If you ever feel like sending me an MP, feel free to do so Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.