Is my situation hopeless and I should just move on....

[Sssselma]

This is my first post and I can so relate to this Aleina2011. I will post here now my story and any advise that is out there would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for the length, but I feel it best to explain everything up front so there is no confusion of my situation.

 

I met my ex about a year after I was seperated from my husband of 9 years. I was not out dating and not out meeting anyone I have a son and I spent the time he was with me with him and the time he was with his father at work. I pretty much filled my world with work. I managed a store during the day, ran about 45 miles a week, and worked as a blackjack dealer at night. I loved my life as crazy as that sounds. My friends got me to go onto a dating website and there I had some absolutely terrible experiences and then I met my ex. The minute I saw him surprising me at work at the card table walking accross the room I knew this was something. We dated and it was like a fairytale for the first 4 weeks, then I went on vacation to see my brother for a week and the day I got back he got deployed for work for 6 weeks. We spent the most amazing 24 hours together before he had to leave and continued our relationship over the phone, computer, through letters in the mail. He flew out to spend a week with him and when I had gotten back. He started acting very strangely and I felt that something was not right. He came home about 2 weeks later and within the first 48 hours he was home he sent me a text telling me we needed to talk as he didn't feel like we should see each other anymore because he was unsure of his feelings. He kept in contact with me and I decided to read every book I could on what I may have done wrong and I just felt so strongly in my soul that he was meant for me. We ended up back together after about a month, this is where he said that he had gotten scared and had realized that he loved me more deeply than anyone in his life, and then we were together for another 7 months...note that he was deployed again for 8 weeks in which he did fly me out to visit him and he also had me fly out and come home with him..we made it into the most fantastic vacation ever. When we got back however, he again was distant and slightly off and I could feel it. Naturally I gravitated towards him and was trying to get a reading as to what was happening I could feel him withdrawing from me. In hindsight I was smothering him and after about a month of his return and trying to get our lives back to normal, he ended it. He said that my jealousy was out of control and it was so much pressure on him that he couldn't do it anymore. He has a great friend that he went to school with that was a lover with him after his seperation with his wife, the intimacy portion of their relationship was quite shortlived and friends they remained. Everytime we go through a struggle, however, he turns to her to get advice and just to catch up and I had been in a marriage of infidelity for a very long time and my inability to separate his need for a friend and trust from me was very much where the jealousy came from. (That is something that I have come to terms as being a great part in the current situation as well, my jealousy and inability to just not control every aspect of my life. I must note here that I am working with a therapist currently and will continue to do so as I don't want to continue with this conditioned behavior I developed in my marriage.) This break up was excrusiatingly painful and I had a very hard time moving forward after it was done. He dated and I walked with my friends. Eventually I found myself with a counselor and reading every book possible on reconciliation (The Five Love Languages...excellent book) and just worked on me to be a better more happy person. He would contact me every now and again, but it was painful for me to continue on so I went to NC and after about 2 months of that he looked up a mutual friend and we ended up back together.

My son and I moved in with him a year ago and that was certainly a readjustment period. We had some rocky times, but we made it through. Then came the blow that his ex-wife was moving 300 miles away with his daughters and we went to court. It got ugly prior to the court date..my son has ADHD/traces of Aspbergers and his ex-wife through him under the bus for the court to side with her and not allow my ex to see his girls more than 4 days a month. Unfortunately because of the drive time and the time that his girls would be in the car was the influencing factor to the change from seeing them and having them to once a month for 4 days. This custody situation spiraled him into a low point of severe depression, our fights became all about things that really shouldn't matter. (i.e...who left the brush out on the wrong side of the vanity, what TV show we were gonna watch...silly things...small stuff). He got put on meds and started counseling, but by then I think I had lost him to the depression..he wouldn't get off the couch, starting questioning everything in his life (his right to be a father, was he in the right job, is our relationship right, etc) and just kept withdrawing from me. I asked him what I could do for him and he said nothing just love and support him. I did this, but I believe now after reflection that again I smothered him as I was so worried about him.

 

Well that will now bring us up to date...we came home from my uncles funeral he sat down and said he wanted to talk and said he just didn't have the energy to work on us anymore. He needed a few days to sort some things out and would go to a couples counseling with me in a few days, but just needed to get away as when I am around he forgets his own feelings and thoughts and only thinks of mine and he needed to get it sorted without distraction. I told him ok, just let me know where you are and I will leave you to your space. He told me where he was staying and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore and that he loved me and that has never been a question. Well 3 days later he got caught up at work and was unable to make the appointment, followed by a text stating that it was done.

 

I will note here that I had one night that I allowed myself to cry and mope, then I have been packing my house getting ready to move out, I have joined a support group for parents of Aspy kids, I have been going to the gym and hanging out with my friends (these are all things that I lost touch of when I was in the relationship). I do not contact him, he always contacts me to sort out paperwork, bills, etc. and I don't linger. Last Sunday evening we got together to talk about "us" and he started with "where do we go from here, where do you see our lives going?" and I returned it with "Where do you see us going from here and where do you see our lives going?" I assumed he needed to talk (I usually do most of it and it was his turn) and I listened. He stated that the only things that he was sure of at the moment was that he was depressed, he loved me and that we have a relationship like no other he has ever known, he said we have a bond that has been built on love, chemistry, compatability, and communication, but is just confused about where his life is supposed to be right now and he just needs a break from our relationship as he has never had a relationship like ours before and knows he needs to make some changes within himself for it to work. I asked him straight out..."are you shutting the door to us?" He answered with "no I am not. I had said never before and here we are. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I love you more deeply than I have ever loved anyone and I refuse to speak in definitives anymore when it comes to us. We have a bond that is not going away, but I have some issues with my depression that I need to deal with right now. Just know that I love you and that is not something that is in question here." So...he has started with the texting "hope you had a good day, hope you are well, goodnight." just random things like that...this just started yesterday...

 

I did tell him "I love you and because I love you, I will wait for you, but with that said I am going to have to continue living my life."

 

Anyone have any thoughts on my situation? Anyone have any advice on what or where I should go from here?

[Xylitol]

Life is like a bus ride, when you notice that your life isn't going into the right direction you need to get off and go on a bus that DOES take you to the right direction you want to go in in life.

 

I think that your life went wrong once your friends advised that horrible website to you.

 

I think that you need to get back from that point, just do again that life that you enjoyed. Then if ever an opportunity arises you find yourself a partner that you enjoy. I think that ex came back into your life as a result of your friends making a decision for you (that website) that made you go into a direction that you didn't want to go in, in life. Just take 2 steps back and this time move into the direction you do want to go.

[Sssselma]

Thank you for your insight. That is actually what I am trying my best to do right now. I have been talking with him and he asked me to go out with him Saturday evening and I said I didn't think it was a good idea. He had a blast and came by the house to tell me about it and invite me to come to see the band he went to see the next time they played. I just said it would be nice if I don't have other plans. He asked for dinner tomorrow evening and that I will go to as I have some unfinished financial business to deal with in terms of the split. I love him and that isn't changing, but I am changing...I need control over my own life and where I want to go from here, I can't keep sitting around waiting for it to happen. I am having fun, going to the gym again (something I stopped doing), I am reading again, I am reconnecting with all of my friends that are not mutual with him, I am focusing on my son...etc...Just really enjoying every day and taking it one at a time. I have my moments, but I am getting strong enough now to just say to myself...this too shall pass and chin up let's do something positive instead of wallowing. I know that the direction that I would like is to be with him, but I need to focus on keeping my direction and my goals in mind with that. And if they don't match, well then I am putting myself in place to continue forward for me.

[hopelost]

So...he has started with the texting "hope you had a good day, hope you are well, goodnight." just random things like that...this just started yesterday...

 

My ex is doing this also, randomly. It confuses me because I'm trying to do no contact now.

[Sssselma]

Well with me...it is strange the bond that we seem to share and I do the no contact and it does work, but I have decided now to try an approach to the friendship bond based on love to go forward. He did this last time with me and he did come back, but I don't think for the right reasons. This time I want him to come back for the right reasons...he is asking me out and he is wanting to spend time with me outside of the bedroom so I am just trying to create the pleasant moments that we can share and build and grow on to make us stronger. We have talked about what broke us up and why we are always finding ourselves in this spot and a big part of it was not creating those pleasant moments anymore and sweating on the small stuff that really doesn't matter. We are back to enjoying our time spent together and less focused on the other crap. I firmly believe that we will get back together and that is my goal, but I do feel that if there is no communication it can cause a damper in the relationship when one does reconcile. The crap that was from before gets too far swept under the rug and then it only comes out when there's a problem and by then it's too late. If you are confused by what is happening I do believe that the no contact, as hard as it is, is probably best for you as then it will basically force the other person to really utilize the time apart properly and really do the thinking that is necessary to come back together in a positive direction. Plus there is a bonus for you...you can take the time to focus on you and continue to feel better about yourself and the situation.

[hopelost]

Yes, one of the main reasons I do want to stick to NC is for her to really experience life without me, and to heal myself of course. The problem is I don't believe she's using this time properly as she's going out all of the time now.

 

It sounds like your relationship has a great chance surviving for the long term given your perspective. More healthy this time around.

[Sssselma]

I have certainly been there as well. The last time we did this, he would go out all the time, started dating right away...all of the above. This time though he isn't doing that, he is actually just taking the time. I am still in his house right now as I am trying to get an apartment so as I can move out. I found one and am just waiting to see if I get it. I do have hope for the best in our situation as there are several complications that added to our downfall this time that were not there the time before. I don't have a choice, but to be in contact with him at this point and I won't say that I don't fear that once I am out of the house I won't hear from him anymore. I guess right now if I am just taking it one day at a time and really working on me I can't let fear of the unknown stand in my way. Yesterday alone...he was over and he wouldn't leave the house until I allowed him to give me a hug...he whispered in my "I miss you" and I just said that I missed him too. If things change and he starts to go hot and cold again once I am out and on my own...I will then at that point implement the NC again. It will be what is best for me at that point. We have our lives entangled in so many ways and to just go to NC is hard right now.

 

I think it is good that you are giving her the space that she needs...I look at it this way and don't be offended...sometimes when someone gets out of a relationship it's like letting a dog out of a kennel...they are soo happy to be out, but once they are out for awhile they actually start to miss being in a familiar place and start to settle down. She may just be doing what she can to stay busy for now as it is just as hard for her. One thing that I have learned is that people do what think is best for them in a time of crisis or changein a given situation. There is never an intent on hurting someone else...there is an understanding that it is what's best for them. This can really be looked at in a positive way rather than a negative way. Look at it in terms of you using the NC...it is what you have decided is best for you right now in the situation that you find yourself in. And always remember that you have no control over what she is doing anymore and in most cases you never really did. She is in control of herself and you are in control of yourself. These are some of the lessons that I am learning right now as well...in that aspect we two are in the same boat.

[hopelost]

Good luck with the apartment. I hope you get it. I have a good feeling that things will work out for you. I think the positive healthy attitude you project will play a big role into that success.

 

I'm actually not offended by your analogy, because at one point that's kind of how I looked at it. I have no way of knowing if she has moved on however. During my begging/pleading stage, she did indicate numerous times that she isn't interested in anyone else or interested in finding someone else for that matter. At that point she was still saying that she wanted to be with me, BUT that didn't make sense to me at all. I couldn't comprehend how she could say that, yet we weren't together. Something or maybe someone is holding her back. Evaluating her options. Who knows. I'm not seeing signs of her settling down yet from her "out of the kennel" phase. She actually seems to get entangled deeper into the nightlife scene as each week/weekend goes by. But you're right; I don't have control of her. The unknowns play with my mind immensely.

[Sssselma]

I hear ya on that mind deal. My counselor gave me some pretty interesting information in regards to the mind play. I don't know if you have heard of the book..."Toa of Pooh". It has helped with the mind whirling that I too have experienced and continue to fight off everyday. You may want to check it out and see if maybe it could be of help to you as well. A lot of the positivity that I have been projecting has come from this book and really believing in the information that is in it. It all makes sense in the big realm of the universe that...nature will take it's course and the more you fight with what nature intends...the longer the wait, the more confusing, and the more hurtful it becomes...all because we aren't following what our own Inner Nature (instinct) is telling us what to do.