I caved in and sent him a FB message

[utopie]

Hi guys,

 

You can find my whole BU story in my previous posts. My BF of 3 years (2 years living together) broke up with me a month ago because he as not sure he loved me anymore even though he deeply cares about me and considers me like family, because I was his first love and he needs to experience first dates again (he's 27 and never had a GF for more than 2 months, has never loved anyone. They would, and I quote him, "dump me whenever I was getting close to them"), thinks that we are going to en up in 2 different cities, is emotionally satisfied but not sexually anymore (I was not either lately and agreed with him we were not really making efforts) and as a consequence he is attracted to random girls.

 

Anyway, the day of the BU he cried a lot, said he could not do it, that he was maybe making a mistake comforted him and said he was a great guy which made him cry harder as he adores so many things about me. I unfriended him, deleted his phone (which made him cry as he doesn't want me out of his life) but told him he could contact me if he felt the need to hear from me and that he was a great guy, that I would never hate him.

 

Last time I saw him 3 weeks ago, the conversation started with "I think I made the right decision" and ended by "I don't know anymore, I need to thing about us". I went NIC for 3 weeks and he contacted me about my snowboard 2 weeks ago. He wanted to see me (without openly saying it) but I just couldn't face him and told him 3 times to drop it off before he actually did it. He sent me a text right after "Are things well" and I just answered "yep"

 

Fast forward to today, I sent him a FB message (I unfriended him but have old messages): "I could not see you when you brought me back my snowboard because it would have been too hard for me. I miss you and us, some days are harder than the others. I hope you're well". It also shows all our history (I don't know how to delete those) with him basically sending me messages everyday "kisses sweet pea. I love you".

 

It was this morning and he has not replied. I think I am going to forget about it. But do you guys think I had a "dignified" attitude? I don't want to pursue him. I felt like telling him the truth and also I felt like last time he wanted to see him I pretty much told him to never contact me again with my refusal. I'm not too sure but I am strong

[BlueEagle]

Not sure what exactly you mean by "dignified" here. But I do know the more you communicate with him it's going to be harder to really shut that door if you truly don't want to be with him anymore. You need to be careful by telling him he can contact you when he felt the need because he may get mixed messages that you are open to reconciliation at some point. Telling him you miss him and that some days are harder than others is going to make it that much harder to move forward.

[utopie]

Yes that's not very clear. What I meant is that I don't want to sound desperate. I miss him and I still love him so I am open to reconciliation of course but I don't think he wants to that. Accepting it is hard. Thanks BlueEagle

[BlueEagle]

Yes, it's awkward to pursue someone who dumped you so I understand that point. He's got to reach out to you if he wants to mend things with you. If he knows you don't want to close the door on him then it should be left up to him what he wants to do. I would lay low and keep doing your own thing without hope and expectations (so you don't get anymore hurt). You also shouldn't be left waiting around for him indefinitely to decide if he wants you in his life in that capacity, or not. That's just not fair to you. Good luck.

[utopie]

You are right. I have to live my life and stop hoping he's coming back.

[Vaglar]

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change the situation. He doesn't feel it anymore, his romantic feelings are gone and he sees you as best friend/family. He loves you but is not in love with you, the spark is gone. I went through the same situation and I've tried being friends, sending love letters, pouring my heart, etc. Didn't work.

 

The best you can do now is to get on with your life, learn from the breakup and take proactive steps to improve yourself and become more attractive. Don't waste your time, take this as a learning experience. This will increase your chance to meet someone else, or attract the ex.

You won't be able to let go of that hope anytime soon so live with it. I'd highly suggest NC for at least 2-3 months - that should give you enough time to become emotionally OK.

[utopie]

I asked him when we met to just tell me "I don't love you anymore" so I can get on with my life and forget about him and us but each time he said "You know I can't. I don't know".

That's what I needed to hear though in order to forget about it, to know that this relationship is dead and buried.

He has not replied to my FB message which I guess is an answer in itself (I know he checks it several times a day). I'm not even sure it asks for a reply but at least he could have the decency to just tell me that he took the right decision and does not love me anymore if he respects me, which he always has. I'm done contacting him though.

[utopie]

What makes it harder is that he was affectionate till the very end (he would text me everyday, message me even if we were leaving together), telling me I was the best, would want to cuddle and tell me I was so beautiful, that we were a team. We were making projects, he would tell me "you'll see we'll end up in the same city when we are done with our studies". He told me he was satisfied emotionally, that he liked our couple dynamics after the break-up, that he needed to think. At least if he had told me "I don't love you anymore" that would make it easier. And now he does not even answer my email