Can't Get Over Hating Attractive People

[reboundstudent]

I'm in my mid-twenties and have always been considered unattractive... "cute" is the very best I can get. I never get hit on, or flirted with, and guys I date tell me they liked me DESPITE my looks, that my personality makes up for the fact that I'm not as hot as my or his friends.

 

I've always really struggled with my looks in regards to relationships. I know that physical attraction is one of the best things that guys look for in a partner... yeah, personality is nice, but it only goes so far. What seems to happen, over and over, is that guys deal with my bad looks cause of my nice personality, but then dump me or cheat on me whenever they find a girl who has both looks AND personality they like. OR, they only date me because they themselves are desperate... I seem to always get the guy who has been friend-zoned by everyone else, and he's still desperately in love with his best female friend but has "settled" for me.

 

In the past few months, whenever I am out in the world, or reading relationship articles, I feel consumed with jealousy and anger of attractive women. I know they might have problems as well, but at least they're beautiful, at least men want them. I also end up hating men too... I automatically reject a guy on a dating site I've been matched up with if he's attractive, cause I figure why waste my time, and I ultimately reject the average/ugly guys as well, because they're only interested in me because they can't get the hot girls.

 

Today at lunch, the group I sit with was commenting on some of the new hires, and how attractive they are, and which single guys in our department they should match the new hires up with... And I just sat there quietly, because I've been at the company nearly a year, and no one has ever tried to set me up or had guys comment on me. A lot of times, it feels like I'm invisible as a woman.

 

People tell me this is a very negative attitude to have but I don't know how to get over it. How do you deal in a world full of attractive people when you're not? In the case of unattractive girls, should we just accept the fact that we'll either be alone or that girl a guy "settled" for, until he dumps you and moves on?

[Seraphim]

I guess one way to look at is it takes up so much energy to be negative and it eats your body and mind away over time from the stress. The more negative we are too the more unattractive we become to people, that goes for stunning people too. People can be stunning but if what comes out of their mouth is off putting no one wants to be with them.

[sadchick83]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I know a lot of women like you. If you don't nip this in the bud, one day you will be some sort of manager, and end up sabotaging innocent, good looking women....And everyone will know why. You will snap one day.

 

Personally, I don't think I am overly attractive, but I have been in the crosshairs of women like you. They've tried to steal my bf's, been unprofessional in the workplace....all because of this jealously gene that keeps rearing its ugly head. Its pathetic.

 

By the way beautiful women get cheated on all the time, and likely deal with the same percentage of a$$ men, and have crappy things happen to them all the time.

 

If you don't like something about yourself, change it. Work out, get a nose job, spend some bucks on your hair-whatever! It is not your appearance that is preventing you from being pick up, it is your attitude. And even if you did pick up, if your bf looked at an attractive woman on the street you would probably go ballistic.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself....my brother grew up with one eye due to cancer at birth. It was tough growing up with a facial deformity, but I always admired how he never felt sorry for himself. With your problem- its in your head for the most part. Get some therapy and a good makeover, before its too late.

[Deciduous]

Hi rebound,

 

I get this is a painful subject for you. The underlying question in your thread is "Why would some-one want to be with me? I am not attractive enough to be desired." Lets not lie, or kid ourselves it is tough if you don't have conventional looks. Not because it is tough to find some-one. Because it is tough to feel worthy. And that is the issue here.

 

Apart from our faces, we send out signals on whether others should find us desirable or not. If we believe we are as sexy as hell - think Tori Spelling - we start moving, walkinger in a confident manner and dressing in a way that unconsciously sends out that message. We make the very best with what we have got, even if it ain't a lot.

 

If we don't, we send out an equally convincing message which says DO NOT THINK OF ME AS WORTHY OR DESIRABLE. I AM NOT. Now unconsciously isn't that the message that you have been semaphoring to your colleages.

 

By desirable, I don't mean "Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman" I mean a feminine outfit that hints we actually have hips. A hairstyle and colour that compliments our complexion and suits our face. A few weeks back you said you interested in finding your own style. You gamely admitted that sling on whatever T-shirt is clean. And that is fine. But if you are keen to be recognised as awoman, then it is up to you to find your inner-woman and start bringing her out of closet. No-one can do this for you. If it helps to work on the outside, then work towards inner change, then so be it. But for the love of God start some-where. Get moving. Life is too short to stop and stare with regret.

 

Yes it's great to be desired. Marilyn Munroe, Rita Hayworth, Elizabeth Taylor, Doris Day, Barbara Hutton - what extradinary beauty and wealth they possessed. S**tty love lives though. Really crap. So lets just remind ourselves that great beauty does not bring happy loves lives. Please stop selling yourself the fantasy that if only you were beautiful you would be happy inside and out. If they couldn't make those dynamics work, then would any of us.

 

Clearly it takes more than violet coloured eyes and beatiful blond hair to attract and sustain real love. You have to be prepared to work on the inner and make your outer a true reflection of how you see yourself.

 

Right now your outer is reflecting how you see yourself inside. Hand on heart, is it a positive message you are sending out?

 

Conversly, I was considered to be very attractive in my youth. Men would stop and stare. The TV and the magazines said that this would bring me true love. I believed them. It didn't. I spent an awfully long time on my make-up and none analysing my troubled role model relationships in childhood. I worked on one side of the equation and not on the other. I didn't love or respect myself. I thought my face should demand respect for me. It's ironic that now I'm 43 and aging I find it much easier to have relationships where I feel loved and desired - or where I can state my terms. At 43 I hope I've finally got the balance right (shame my tight buns dropped in the process. hey-ho)

 

Rebound, right now it doesn't matter on what part of the equation you start. Hopefully one will be a catalyst for the other. What matters it that you start...NOW.

 

Good Luck

 

Deci

[LDRohnos]

Good news is, as you get older you'll get more mature men who care less about physical beauty and more about substance. Substance is rare...good looking people is common.

[Tanzi]

Rebound, do you know what one of the most attractive traits is that someone can possess, over and above looks? ... confidence. I dated a guy once who I had "connected" with on-line. When we finally met up I wasn't instantly attracted to him in the way I thought I would be. In fact I would go as far as saying that had we been out and about I wouldn't have given him a second glance ... but here we were, on a date, and eventually I couldn't deny that I was stil attracted to him regardless of not initially being physically attracted to him. I ended up falling for him. I was deeply attracted to his outgoing personality and the air of confidence he had.

 

I do agree that good looks attract initially but what keeps us attracted goes much deeper than that. Maybe you aren't giving people the chance to get to know the real you. Firstly because you will right someone off almost immediately and, secondly, because the real you has got lost. If you give off a negative vibe then you will be unapproachable. You say you feel invisible as a woman ... but it is you who are making yourself invisible. You are a woman and you have a lot to offer someone and you have as much to give to any conversation ... my guess is that no-one can see that right now because you are shying away from certain situations.

[reboundstudent]

Confidence is attractive in men, and can easily enhance their looks. But the ugly confident girl is just pitied. All of us know her... the girl who wears a piece of clothing that's too tight, and thinks she looks great in it and struts around feeling great, and everyone else in the room exchanges looks that says "How delusional is this girl?"

 

I only write people off who wouldn't give me the time of day anyway. I'm not sure what situations you're referring to.. I still do the things I enjoy. I go to book stores to read, I go to a studio to take belly dancing lessons, I smile and I talk with people around me. How could I possibly seem unapproachable when I am friendly? And yet, guys ignore me except to ask if I could get my hot friend's phone number for them.

[agent1607307371]

But the ugly confident girl is just pitied. All of us know her... the girl who wears a piece of clothing that's too tight, and thinks she looks great in it and struts around feeling great, and everyone else in the room exchanges looks that says "How delusional is this girl?"

 

Delusion isn't confidence. Nobody said it is. But if you don't think of yourself as someone you would want to date, no one else is going to either.

 

I only write people off who wouldn't give me the time of day anyway.

 

So you write them off first, so they can't reject you?

[Deciduous]

Hi Rebound,

 

So where does that leave you? You state that relief cannot be found in self confidence, a change of attitude nor a change in presentation.

 

You can comfort yourself - as you have been doing - that no action or effort is needed on your part. It is the world that is at fault with its beauty obsessed appraisals.

 

This is the strategy that you have adopted. How's it working for you? Not so well. So.... perhaps other options need to be considered?

 

Yes, you can comfort yourself with the thought that you have been robbbed looks-wise. You can wait out old age, that great leveller when it comes to appearance. You can bemoan your fate and despise those that have been blessed with great beauty. Your energy has to go some-where and it can certainly continue on it's current path. No-one is telling you that we aren't a looks obsessed society. But you have bought into the fantasy, with great looks comes personal and inner happiness, and also comes self-love.

 

I don't think a girl in ill-fitting clothes is demonstrating self confidence. Precisly the opposite. She is screaming loud and clear that she wants to be some-one else. She wants to be the girl that would fit into those clothes and that style. She hasn't come to terms with her own shape and style. She dismisses her own unique assets. As far as she is concerned she doesn't have any, so why bother trying to discover and accentuate them.

 

You're confused about what self-confidence is. And that is a problem. The guy 'a-little-blue' met loved himself. He saw himself as worthy and desirable. Despite her initial reservations - by the end of the date - he had her feeling the same way he felt about himself.

 

This is exactly what is occurring with you.

 

Deci

[Tanzi]

You have misunderstood me rebound. Confidence has nothing to do with the clothes you wear, it is how comfortable you feel about yourself inside. It's about believing in yourself. As regards shying away from situations I was referring to the example where you said you felt invisible as a woman. You said you sat there quietly. Maybe that is the reason why they haven't talked about setting you up etc .... maybe they can sense how uncomfortable you feel when they talk about such things. If they don't think you care for such talk I guess they wouldn't want to put you in the spotlight. Afterall its only tittle-tattle and not to be taken seriously. Nevertheless if you do feel negatively about something, whatever it is, then the chances are you are giving off negative vibes and that will make you unapproachable or inclusive.

[reboundstudent]

Well I've tried the change in presentation, and it just isn't happening. I look the way I look... Nature did not design me to look better. A different hair cut doesn't help, and they haven't yet invented clothes that properly fit my body. So that one's out.

 

How exactly is one supposed to follow the other options.. self-confidence... when there is nothing to be self-confident about? I am confident about certain things, but they are all related to my personality, to my intelligence. They are things that are invisible when looking at me, and are frankly valued AFTER physical attractiveness. Yeah, guys may be into smart chicks, but those chicks better be physically attractive as well. I have yet to hear of a guy who says," Well my wife is incredibly ugly, but she was so smart I just had to marry her!"

 

How does one build self-confidence in a looks-obsessed society?

[sadchick83]

I don't think a man would say " My wife is incredibly stupid, but she's pretty, so I had to marry her," either. You are aggrandizing the whole situation.

 

So why don't you look for a guy who you would describe as similar yourself? By the way I have seen many women who are not so attractive married to very successful, good looking guys. They managed to figure it out. Actually, quite a few of my friends who some people might consider unattractive are all married. My hot friends are in their 30's and single. I would date a not-so-goodlooking guy with a great personality, and this is the attitude you should wake up with every morning. If you have accepted that you are not going to turn heads, then figure out another angle. Be bubbly, dress in cute clothes.

 

You are way obsessed about this whole issue....I think if you got over it you could attract anyone.

[Ggii]

Why do you think you are unattractive?? I'd really like to know.

It is not uncommon to feel this way. I feel a little jaleousy towards beautiful people as well. I don't find myself unattractive, but my looks can be intimidating. I am not easy to approach. I am tall for a woman, long dark brown hair, dark eyebrows and dark eyes and I am always overdressed (big earrings, dresses, heels, etc...) But it's just who I am. I have tried changing it, but I felt unhappy when I sat down in just a jeans, hair in a ponytail and a regular shirt.

 

Someone will love you the way you are. But sometimes you have to wait for it. And that waiting can feel like an eternity.

But would you please answer my question? I have always struggled with my looks, although Iknow I am not ugly, but people always bring me down. When I was underweight (which I couldn't help, it was because of medication) everybody said I was anorexic, then I gained 30 pounds and became slightly overweight (not very much, just a little curvy. I found it charming that I finally had a little bust and ass and not bones sticking out) and people told me that "I got a little fatter in my face", or "anorexia would do you good", or "don't worry, you'll loose the weight if you cut down sweets".I always felt very comfortable with myself, but it was because of other people tring to bring me down, I became insecure.

[Snowy]

Besides the "confidence = attractive" (which I completely concur), at the end of the day, if you're ugly, then you're ugly. There will always be beautiful people and ugly people out there. Accept who you are.

[vix8]

I know this girl who thinks she the hottest piece of @$$. In my opinion, i don't think she's very attractive, but her attitude attracts men. I'm considered an attractive woman, but I personally don't think I'm the greatest looking person even though someone called me the hottest girl in the town once. Pretty women get cheated on just as much as unattractive woman do. All guys are * * * * s in reality and yes all guys go for looks first because its just biological facts. Humans are smarter though and see personality as well. I agree you should go for guys with the same attractiveness level so that you don't feel insecure in the relationship. But I think you should go out and spend a bit of money to look your best. Lose weight if your overweight. You probably have a rocking body. Make your hair nice! Do things you can to enhance your good features. For example I'm pale as anything (redhead) and I don't tan, and that kinda bothers me, I had one guy mock me by saying "oooooo sun tan lotion" at a club once. but you have to learn to get over it and look at all the good features you posses and flaunt them. Everyone has flaws. In fact I love flaws. I date guys that are more unattractive then me because flaws are beautiful to me. I think it's cute and attractive, but I guess I'm just rare lol.

[lanaa]

you talk about it like it is a huge problem,what do you hate about yourself? when you walk in the streets,you notice most people are no top models really..and yet most of them find someone,so what stops you? are you unusually ugly? i doubt that!

[Ayanokōji]

Rebound I understand everything you're saying and pretty much agree except I definitely don't hate guys better looking than I am lol.

Pretty much everything you said is relatively true however there are definitely some decent looking guys who aren't doing too bad financially etc... with wives that look "unmatching" physically to them.

Although the Overwhelming majority of men like attractive women there are men who can overlook physical appearance for personality.

 

What you said about intelligent women with a good personality and also attractive will always be favored compared to you is true but you need to remember that no-one is the same, everyone is unique and the one judging your intelligence, personality and appearance will score you differently since no two people are the same.

 

In short, although you are playing against the odds there is not much point dwelling on it, instead accept what you have and make the most out of it.

 

link removed

 

I play on expert level =P Lol, never been very attractive either.

[Fudgie]

OP,

 

I'm very overweight (220 lb...heavier than you, no doubt) and used to have acne and such (finally got that to go away), don't wear make-up, don't wear fashionable clothes, and am an introvert (no parties) and I've never had any issues finding guys that I want to be with and date. I've met and had LTRs both from online dating as well as real life. My boyfriend (met IRL) is very handsome, thin with some muscle tone, and he's absolutely bonkers about me and I am nuts about him. ^^

 

It really is about ATTITUDE. You are sitting around all the time hating others and having this INTENSE self-hate. You think people can't tell? They can. People can always tell when I'm feeling bloaty/crappy/bad day and not myself...people usually wear their emotions on their sleeve. People can definitely tell that you are being negative and self-loathing. Things like that show. You can't hide them.

 

I really urge you to talk things out with a counsellor.

[Gerda]

Hi, Rebound. I can relate very strongly. At my best I'd say I'm very pretty, but I still have this obsessive "hatred" similar to what you have described towards other women. (I put hatred in quotes because it's not actually hatred, but we'll call it that for simplicity--hopefully you don't actually hate these people either.) Since I am in the same boat as you, I can't advise you on how to get out of it, otherwise I wouldn't be stuck here as well. However I wanted to toss out some "food for thought."

 

Look up Wallis Simpson. She wasn't unattractive, but she was no knockout--and yet her husband gave up being King of England to be with her instead. (I think her secret was charm and impeccable grooming.) Think of Yoko Ono--she is a rather unattractive woman, yet John Lennon fell notoriously head over heels in love with her, and that guy could have had just about anyone (in fact he left his prettier, younger blonde wife to be with the 6-year-older Yoko.) Think of Prince Charles--he was married to Princess Diana, a woman considered to be one of the most beautiful in the world. She was tall, thin, blonde, loved by the whole world...and yet he never got over Camilla. He really preferred her to Diana.

 

I think yours is a problem of perspective. As unattractive as you think you are now, I bet as the years pass you'll look back and think, "Man...I was pretty, why didn't I appreciate that while it lasted?" I say this because young people are pretty even if they aren't pretty, just because they're young and their features are still fresh and in good shape. There were times in my life when I felt really ugly, and then I'll look back at pictures from that time later, maybe when I've aged or gained some weight, and I'll think I was beautiful. I'm at a weight now that is 20 pounds heavier than a weight I felt was very unattractive, so you'd think I'm hideous, right? Well, no--because a year ago I was 20 lbs heavier, so by comparison I think I look great now--even though an old me would say I'm fat and a lot of people would probably not describe me as remotely pretty. Beauty is very relative. You think you're cute at best, but I promise you there is someone else out there who can't even say that and wishes more than anything they could. Once you realize that everyone, no matter where they lie on the scale of attractiveness, is sitting around taking their own looks for granted while they wish they were prettier, it's easier to just accept where you are.

 

I think if there's one thing worse than a lifetime of being unattractive it's losing one's looks, so I'd be hesitant to envy beautiful women too much. For shallow women like myself, it's one of the most painful things in the world to recall days when you used to turn any man's head with ease, and yet not be able to make yourself satisfactorily pretty these days no matter how hard you try. This is why it's a huge mistake for anybody to make their looks their primary source of value--hardly anybody gets better looking with age, and most people get exponentially worse looking as they age. This is also why you see certain women who were once great beauties seem to go a little crazy as their looks fade--they become increasingly more desperate, the makeup gets heavier and heavier, the tan gets more and more leathery, the clothing gets more and more inappropriate for their age, etc--we've all seen such women. There are few things more pitiful.

 

Humans have really diverse tastes. Everyone is always holding up the likes of Brad Pitt or George Clooney like they're the most gorgeous men on the planet, and I can tell you--neither does anything for me. I actually find them both unattractive. If I feel this way, it makes me think that there are probably guys out there like that, too--people who prefer unconventional, natural looks with "character" to the Barbie/Ken ideal. There's hardly a physical characteristic that isn't adored by at least someoneone out there--fat, thin, bald, skinny, flat-chested, big-boobed, big butt, stick-figured, tall, short--etc. I've heard people say they like all those things at one time or another. A girl might look at her legs and think they look fat, but I know a guy whose #1 thing that he liked was women with "thick" legs, oh he would just totally lose his head and he thought women with skinny legs looked awful. So you could either spend your life wishing you looked like someone else, or you can try to find a guy whose type you are.

 

Anyway, again I'd just say don't envy the beautiful. It does not seem to me that beauty inspires good behavior in men--on the contrary it seems to often bring out the worst (they're often so desperate to get or keep such a woman that they are willing to lie, cheat, mislead, misprepresent, lead on, etc), and there are many beautiful women whose beauty could not save them from the worst types of heartache. Honestly, of the women I've known, if anything I'd say the pattern shows that being exceptionally pretty is often a detriment to happiness.

[dasilver]

Beauty fades and dumb is forever.......Judge Judy.

 

I used to be very insecure about extremely attractive ladies but i've since stopped.

 

I've realized that there will always be somebody more beautiful...more sexy...way hotter...bigger boobs...rounder butt than me. ALWAYS! What can i do about it? Absolutely nothing.

 

So i've stopped being jealous. If i see a pretty girl now....i compliment her (and mean it) and most times she compliments me right back. It really helps.

[Fudgie]

I love the compliment idea that dasilver mentions. I've done that to a lot of people and it just feels good. There will ALWAYS be someone who is more beautiful, sexy, hot, etc. ALWAYS.

[Coconut Twin]

Yes in the same way that there will always be someone who is more talented, more intelligent, more successful..

 

I think as long as we can understand that fact then there is no need to feel threatened or even competitive. Just be happy in who you are in the moment, be accepting as we are all human beings with struggles. Obviously it's easier said than done, but it takes a searching within and investigation to understand who you are essentially. I'm not there yet, still learning.

[WhenWillILove]

You know, just because a person is attractive (in your case, attractive females), doesn't necessarily translate to that person knowing he or she is attractive. A person can be very attractive but feel ugly deep inside.

I'll take me as an example. I don't think I'm a Megan Fox. Most of my life growing up, I thought I was average. Then I hit an age where I began experimenting with make-up and hair and my self-image got better. But still, didn't think I was all that. I struggle to this day, too.

It wasn't until I started dating that my view of myself started to change. Dates would emphasize first hand how pretty, or beautiful or gorgeous I was.

I was a bit shocked, to be honest.

My last boyfriend frequently remarked on how this or that guy was checking me out, or how this or that male buddy asked about me, etc. If he hadn't told me this, I wouldn't have known I was that much prettier than I thought myself to be.

 

So, just because a man doesn't come up to you and say to your face, "You look hot!" doesn't mean he doesn't think that way. I mean, how often do you come up to a good looking guy and say to him, "You're so good looking,"? Never, right?

 

I've had girl friends say to me, "That man is so good looking," and I thought the opposite!

So trust me, there are men out there that think you are hot.

[Coconut Twin]

 

So, just because a man doesn't come up to you and say to your face, "You look hot!" doesn't mean he doesn't think that way. I mean, how often do you come up to a good looking guy and say to him, "You're so good looking,"? Never, right?

 

 

Good point.

[whatswrongwme]

Sorry for the way you feel but I don't understand why you should hate attractive women! Why don't you try to change the way you dress up, put on some make-up, try to wear some high heels and etc? If you dress/look lousy, you will never look attractive to anyone. You have to find what part of your body, face is cute and emphasize it a bit with they way you dress up or make up. I am sure there is a lot of features of you that are nice but you are not aware or you don't know how to emphasize it!!!

 

Furthermore, I have to tell you that I am really a beautiful and attractive woman but I have the exact same problems like you! They can still dumb me, or they use me for sex, they don't want to commit, etc etc. or they will hide that they have GFs, wifes, etc. Maybe I m unlucky and every men around me are jerks but at least for me being pretty is not a benefit at all! I end up being chased by so many jerks. I don't need that attention from jerks, it is very tiring! Not to mention all those jealous * * * * * es at work or around that they will hate you for no reason! i m also a very nice and smart girl but this doesn't matter for those jerks who only want sex from me! at least they are not trying to use you for sex! for gods sake, if a guy comes to you for your personality, what else you can ask for! just be happy. plus from what you mention, you seem to date quite a few men, why would you feel desperate anyways!!!

 

Don't feel jealous of other girls because of your looks! Actually that is quite annoying. One of my good female colleagues even told me that she doesn't want to hang out with me out of work because she thinks all men will hit on me and then she will feel sad !!! she can literally say this to my face. unbelievable! Yet she always dress up lousy, never comb her * * * * ing hair, no make up, no high heels. she never goes to gym, never eats healthy and looks pale because of that! and then complains why guys don't look at her!!! for gods sake, you girls have to learn how to dress up and look clean and fresh before hating other girls for being more attractive!!! I am gonna tell you what I told her before: learn how to dress up and put on some light make up and high heel shoes! you will see it will make a difference immediately!

 

i am sorry if this hurts you but girls like you also hurt me a lot too! you have to wake up and stop being a hater! i am pretty sure that you are not bad looking at all. you just don't know how to make yourself look better!!! there is no ugly woman, there is just woman who gave up on themselves and who has no clue how to look better!!