ladyjane83 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 My story is in another thread...many others in fact. So I wont re write here. In short I founf out my boyfriend of 1.5 years had a gf for 2.5 years..making me his other woman without me knowing. Push came to shove when it all came out and he chose his gf and said that it has always been her and that he doesnt even know why he did what he did because things were always perfect between them with no problems. She says the same. Now he didnt just have a one night stand...he had an 18 month relationship with me, we went on holiday together, he had keys to my apt etc etc. I get that he has made his choice now... but how can he say he was always perfectly happy with her? Do people ever cheat if they are perfectly happy and in love??? I dont understand that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 No, people who are "perfectly happy" do not cheat. Cheating is a choice. Obviously something was amiss within their relationship if he was seeking happiness elsewhere. He's just fooling himself if he thinks that he's truly content with her. Good riddance I say, it's better that you know now, then later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDRohnos Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Things can seem absolutely perfect in a relationship, that doesn't mean someone cannot cheat. The problem is something is wrong with THEM and that spills over onto destroying the relationship. Cheating is a selfish choice people make and the cause of it has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship they're in...good or bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I think you need to stop obsessing over what's going on with their relationship, Jane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 They are probably not perfectly happy, but it doesn't mean there's a problem in their relationship. The problem could be with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 No, people who are "perfectly happy" do not cheat. Cheating is a choice. Obviously something was amiss within their relationship if he was seeking happiness elsewhere. He's just fooling himself if he thinks that he's truly content with her. Good riddance I say, it's better that you know now, then later. Isn't that like saying that perfectly healthy people don't occasionally gorge on very unhealthy food? Cheating is a temptation. I suspect it's going to be there regardless of your happiness level with your current partner. It seems naive to think that happy people don't occasionally give in to it. Hot, sexy people are going to be hot and sexy regardless of whether your single, in a relationship, married, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 get that he has made his choice now... but how can he say he was always perfectly happy with her? Do people ever cheat if they are perfectly happy and in love??? I dont understand that. More than likely for the same exact reason that he lied to you for a year and a half. Because he was able to get away with having his cake, and eating it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Isn't that like saying that perfectly healthy people don't occasionally gorge on very unhealthy food? Cheating is a temptation. I suspect it's going to be there regardless of your happiness level with your current partner. It seems naive to think that happy people don't occasionally give in to it. Hot, sexy people are going to be hot and sexy regardless of whether your single, in a relationship, married, etc. While I agree with temptation, I still say it's based on choice. I know because I cheated in the past and I'm using it based on personal experience. I chose to cheat, and whilst it seemed that I was "happy" within the relationship. Clearly something was amiss for me to stray. There will always be temptations everywhere you go. That's a fact. How you handle it is something entirely different. Then again, you can also argue that there are people who will seek out to cheat, in this case (her ex) and others who cheat because the opportunity was there. If he had a continuous year and a half relationship with her, then it's pretty obvious, he's not perfectly content within his relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 The idea of being perfectly happy in a relationship is a joke. Some people are just liars & cheaters. They don't feel remorse for what they do. But they sure don't enjoy being caught. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyjane83 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 Also when it first came out in the open and he firat chose her a week later he was back in touch with me to the point of 2 hour phonecalls multiple times a week and meeting for a drink. If he was perfectly happy and committed to her he wouldn't risk losing her by doing that. Now she has found out we were in touch he she has still taken him back again and this time he really has cut contact with me. I just think their relationship can't have been as great as maybe they think... I have always been a believer of when you're really in love then nobody else even interests you. He cannot love her and then lie to her to the extent and length of time he did. Maybe he can't see a flaw or anything missing in their relatiinship because I was filling whtever it was, whether emotional or physical, but am I right in thinking that with me out of the picture when the initial big effort of working things out wears off whatever gap was there before will become apparent again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 No, people don't cheat if things are "perfect" since that word implies that all needs and conditions are being met and everything's great. He's just BSing you and trying to give you an explanation that doesn't make him look like a complete [expletive]. That would mean he'd have to admit, "Hey, I use people for MY needs. Deal with it." The fact is for him perfect likely has a different meaning than a more sane and honest human being's - i.e. their relationship is perfect because he is able to hide things from her and she takes him back when he cheats on her. He is most definitely not "perfect." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 ladyjane, you keep on asking nearly the same question over and over again. Is this really helping you? I know that he hurt you, but trying to analyze his every move will just make you crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I think it depends on the cheater. There are two types, IMO. 1) The 'desperate' person. This person is in a bad relationship. They know they are in a bad relationship but they don't want to (or can't) leave for whatever reason (fear, financial reasons, etc). They start looking for another relationship as an escape. It could be conscious or subconscious - but they are not happy and they are cheating as a solution to the problem. 2) The bad egg. Some people are just cheaters. Period. It doesn't matter who they are in a relationship with and it doesn't matter if they are happy or not. They have a wandering eye and they will always have a wandering eye. Some people are just slimy like that. I think your guy, OP, is guy #2. He's slimy. He's not trying to escape anything. He's just the type of guy that needs variety. He'll never be happy with just one. So... no, I don't think his relationship with her will work out. But even if he DOES leave her? He will cheat on you too. Not because "once a cheater, always a cheater" or some other old cliche... (I don't think cheater type #1 is the type to always cheat, for example)... but because he's that guy. If he carried on two relationships for 1.5 years - it's not because he was unhappy. It's because he wanted multiple relationships. If he's not cheating on her with you, rest assured it will be someone else. Her attempts to block you is like putting a band-aid on a waterfall. It won't do a thing. He wants multiple relationships and he's going to get it... from someone. I also don't think you should pine for this guy. There is a world of hurt waiting there. Believe it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadchick83 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Im sorry this happened to you Jane. It never ceases to amaze me how people can carry on like this for a year and a half. Like where did she think he was when he was holidays with you and vice versa?? Who got Christmas and his birthday? This guys is a manipulator and a great actor. He is just telling you their relationship is perfect so you internalize this, question yourself, and don't rock the boat. There is another thread on ENA today, where the "other"woman found out and he is threatening to sue her etc....so she is deciding if she should confront the girlfriend, or not. Your guy is AVOIDING confrontation. Your guy, is smart. He is keeping things mellow and making you look like the other woman and that things are perfect. Its just his strategy. He will keep cheating by the way. I would not bother analyzing anything this guy says..."We're perfect, We're happy...." = "Hey other woman, now that the cat is out of the bag, Im gonna get rid of you because you could cause issues, and prevent me from enjoying polygamy, so Im gonna let you down in a way that makes you look and feel like an outsider, so you don't cause trouble." "Did I mention how perfect we are for each other" Seriously...he's a sociopath, but he'll get his... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyjane83 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 Yeah, he says he has never chested before and its completely out of character.... But then also says I meant nothing and things were perfect with them.... The 2 don't add up! If he has never done it before and its out of charcter then that's means there was a reason he did it this time... Either something about me or something missing with her. OR its not out of character at all and this is just the only time he has been caught. Either way it definitly can't be both Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Yeah, he says he has never chested before and its completely out of character.... But then also says I meant nothing and things were perfect with them.... The 2 don't add up! If he has never done it before and its out of charcter then that's means there was a reason he did it this time... Either something about me or something missing with her. OR its not out of character at all and this is just the only time he has been caught. Either way it definitly can't be both He's a known liar. He lied to you for 1.5 years. Why would you believe this? EVERYTHING he has EVER said to you has to be pulled into question now. Edited to say... and why are you trying to make sense of all the lies? They are lies. They aren't supposed to make sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyv Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Hi.. I was cheated on over a year ago by my ex. I can tell you for a fact it is about the cheater themselves nit the relationship. The cheater is sellfish and yes from the sounds of it he will do it again. I have seen many like this that continue to behave this way through much of their adulthood. Its sad and it hurts. But the other girl is not better then you. She is being stupid for taking him back. Most likely you weren't the only other girl. When they cheat they are looking for some kind of attention...satisfaction. its internal. Something is wrong with them not you. Remember that. Keep your head up dont waste time on her. Read my old threads if you want. You will see I struggled too. Oh and by the way karma did get my ex. She got cheated on by the guy she left me for haha and showed IP at my door after a year later. No I did not take her back. I moved on and dated a better girl then my ex. We unfortunately did not work out she ended up liking my best friend better haha go figure but know there is better out there. I will find it again someday and so will you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Yeah, he says he has never chested before and its completely out of character.... But then also says I meant nothing and things were perfect with them.... The 2 don't add up! If he has never done it before and its out of charcter then that's means there was a reason he did it this time... Either something about me or something missing with her. OR its not out of character at all and this is just the only time he has been caught. Either way it definitly can't be both This is going to affect you for a long while I'm afraid. It will be very hard to trust anyone now. Please don't try to figure this out. You will never be able to. He is a bad character, that's all you need to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyjane83 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 You say she left you for someone... That's what I'm struggling with in my situ, normally it is the original gf or bf that gets left for the new person. But not in my case. Why spend a year and a half with me if he was always going to stay with his gf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyv Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 There is something you prolly don't know like he needs her for money or he is Co dependent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brokenheart911 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 No if he was perfectly happy he wouldn't have cheated. Your better off without him. He will only do this again. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glowguy Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 He's a known liar. He lied to you for 1.5 years. Why would you believe this? EVERYTHING he has EVER said to you has to be pulled into question now. Edited to say... and why are you trying to make sense of all the lies? They are lies. They aren't supposed to make sense. ^^^ this for sure. You will never get your answers. For the sake of getting closure you will probably get a much more accurate picture of things if you assume the opposite of what he says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolmeonce Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I dont think those kind of comments are very helpful and it is natural for her to want to know how her ex is acting toward his g/f. After all...they were together for 1 1/2 years! I dont think jane is sitting at home wishing hurt and misery upon herself and im sure if there was a MAGIC button we could all push that would make us forget the other person existed....WOW...that would solve all of our problems! I know if she knew then what she knows now, she would have ran in the other direction when she saw him coming and wouldnt have given him the time of day. But unfortunately life doesnt work that way and only real solution is time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolmeonce Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 or 'she serves HIS NEEDS perfectly for the time being'. She'll get tired of his games eventually if she has an ounce of self-respect and kick him to the curb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mesemene Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 That's what I'm struggling with in my situ, normally it is the original gf or bf that gets left for the new person. Actually - not as often as you might think. Many times, when an affair ends, the wife or GF gives an ultimatum. "If you want her, then go. If you stay, no more HER." And many many times - the husband/BF chooses to stay with promises to reform. Oh, it doesn't mean he DOES reform. He may put effort into it until he's comfortable again, and secure - but it's rarely a cut and dried situation. Out of the number of women and men I've seen on here heartbroken from an affair - most of the ones ultimately dumped are the "unofficial" ones, the affair, if the "committed" SO offers any hope of another chance, or reconciliation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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