Do I have the right to be a bit... irritated?

[lifeisaparadox]

I have to admit, I am a bit of a party girl, but I don't go beyond drinking and smoking (pot/hookah). My boyfriend knew this going into the relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't get faced and wake up next to a stranger... I know my limits and I am always completely aware of what I do.

 

I stopped going to parties to spend time with him before going to uni (this was when we became official & exclusive). We went to one party together and he was the one who drank this time whilst I took care of him. I didn't care, really.

 

Months later, here I am. I am studying abroad. I haven't smoked here yet and have only drank casually. Last month I went out with my friends to celebrate the end of our first big assessment and got a bit drunk and took one hit of pot. I was texting my bf periodically throughout this time, he knew where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with. When I got home, we talked and he said that what I did bugged him, but he said that I didn't have to stop what I was doing. Being respectable, I told him that I'll stop partying in that sense.

 

A few days ago, he told me he was going to a club. I said that's no problem, just be safe. He told me he was gonna do E and I told him it bugged me. That was it. The next day he did E and drank and smoked pot.

 

The thing is... I never told him he couldn't do any of those. I just stated that it bugged me knowing he did but whatever he did was up to him, as long as he had self-control. I said this because I didn't want to control him because I knew his last ex controlled him like crazy and he is bitter about it. Also, I'm not the type to be controlling either.

 

I was really irritated when he told me. I feel like because I respected his feelings that I stopped my habits, that when I said I was annoyed that perhaps he'd respect my feelings back.

 

Do I have the right to be irritated?

[Imthatguy]

Absolutely, he is being extremely hypocritical and setting up a double standard. It's ok for him to do that but not for you? That wouldn't fly with me for a minute.

[LDRohnos]

Perhaps you didn't actually WANT to stop? Changing yourself or your habits for another person is wholly unhealthy to both your relationship and yourself. You do it for yourself or you don't do it at all...what he does or what he wants is irrelevant. It seems like you're holding just a bit of resentment at this point now that he's doing the exact things he apparently wanted you to stop doing. If you did it for yourself you wouldn't care simply because it was a choice you made for yourself, not a choice that was forced by what he wanted.

 

Am I close?

[Ms Darcy]

I doubt his ex was controlling. It sounds like it might have been the other way around.

[RedDress]

I would flat-out ask him why he was bothered when you did it but apparently he's okay with it in general if he did it himself. How is it ok for him and not for you?

 

I would definitely question the double-standard. Is it a jealousy thing? What is it? Really... it sounds like HE is the controlling one - not you or his ex...

[Batya33]

I don't think using drugs and getting drunk mix well with sticking to commitments about how often to do it and how much. Especially if his idea of a good time is getting so drunk he needs someone there to "take care" of him -what's the point of that?I think both of you have to accept that you each enjoy getting drunk and using illegal drugs from time to time and that short of deciding you're only going to drink socially (meaning not enough to get buzzed -where you can drive home an hour later if needed) if you both value getting drunk and high then it's not a battle you should choose to fight about where you draw the line. Of course if as a consequence of choosing to get drunk/high you harm each other or cheat on each other that's a different story -but then it has nothing to do with the alcohol or drugs but just that you chose to cheat or act in a harmful way as a consequence of choosing to get drunk/high.

[DN]

Perhaps he thought that because you did it once he gets a freebie.

[Stay_home]

I think you both need to chill out on the partying, to tell you the truth.

[Mesemene]

I would flat-out ask him why he was bothered when you did it but apparently he's okay with it in general if he did it himself. How is it ok for him and not for you?

 

I would definitely question the double-standard. Is it a jealousy thing? What is it? Really... it sounds like HE is the controlling one - not you or his ex...

 

I have to agree - was this a case of "you did it once and now so did I" or that he won't respect your feelings even if you respect his?

[asthesparrow]

I had a boyfriend like this once. I wasn't allowed to smoke even though he did daily, and any other form of drug? Out of the question. If I was going to parties, he had to know who I was with and whose party it was. He created insane double standards. If I ever did drugs, he would go ahead and do the same, and then back it up with "but you did them as well". Needless to say, I eventually broke up. His controlling me was very serious, and expanded beyond partying and what I did with my spare time.

 

You need to have a serious talk about this. Obviously you both like partying, taking drugs. You are allowed to take drugs if you want (I mean, despite the fact they are illegal) but I mean, a partner can't stop you from that. If he were seriously concerned for your health and well-being and THAT was his reason for stopping you - FINE. That's smart and caring. But he just doesn't want you to get out of control and obviously does NOT trust you.