How long in a relationship do you think is the minimum amount till you marry?

[Fringe]

Just wondering what people's views are of how long you should wait in a relationship till you should marry. Personally I feel that the best time is to wait at least 4 years, along with having been living with the person for a year or two. That way you get to know the person more, see if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person, and it is enough time for all the new relationship butterflies to have gone away so that you can know that if what you feel is true or just temporary happiness. I think that you should NEVER marry if you have only known the person for a year. To me that just feels like sometime in the future a divorce will happen. Not that it will, but if I had to bet money on it, I would bet on divorce.

 

Now I am not saying that even if you wait the proper time your marriage is sure to last, of course not. I feel that you have a better chance at a healthy and long marriage if you wait a good amount before marriage.

[Madison12]

Fringe this is different for everyone. I waited 3 years for my ring, then he broke up with me 3 months before our wedding. I will NEVER wait that long again; I am 32 and don't think it should take a man 4 years to make up his mind about me. I know of another couple who got married after being together for 6 years and divorced a few months after the wedding. I know people who have gotten engaged and married within a year and they are still very much in love years later. The length of time you have been together has nothing to do with the success of your relationship; rather things like compatibility, honesty, conflict resolution, and attraction do.

[DrKitten]

Everyone is different, and every relationship has a different dynamic to it. I think a year can work for some people. I think it's also possible to wait too long, where one person's been wanting marriage for a while and the other is not too keen on it, which causes resentment.

 

Divorces can also happen after 10, 15 years or more. Relationships that were overall successful can and do end before death. "Long and healthy" does not necessarily mean "forever".

[sophie274]

Actually, studies show that the length of time you date before getting married has no association with the likelihood that you will get divorced. They haven't found any sort of relationship, or anything that says that dating for at least X length of time or for not more than Y length of time is a way to lower your chance of divorce. However, couples who live together before marriage do divorce at higher rates than couples who don't.

 

Personally, I think dating for at least a year before getting engaged is a reasonable minimum. Faster than that sounds too fast for me, and feels like not enough time to get to know the person in a variety of situations and circumstances. 2-3 sounds great, longer than that feels too long to me. Obviously things are different for young couples who might know they want to marry one another, but want to wait to get married until they are older, more financially secure, more established, etc ...

[AmandaB]

Personally, I think dating for at least a year before getting engaged is a reasonable minimum. Faster than that sounds too fast for me, and feels like not enough time to get to know the person in a variety of situations and circumstances. 2-3 sounds great, longer than that feels too long to me. Obviously things are different for young couples who might know they want to marry one another, but want to wait to get married until they are older, more financially secure, more established, etc ...

 

I agree with the above statement, this time frame works for me, personally. I was in a relationship for 3.5 years, then got engaged to him for another 2.5 years and then he left me the year of our wedding. I will never do one of those long engagements again. He consumed all of my 20's, now im in my 30's and dont feel like wasting my time on that crap.

[Koglin]

You can be in a relationship with someone for 10+ years, get married and then divorce soon after and you can be in a relationship with someone for 6 months, get married and celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary happily. Getting to know someone well is great but it doesn't take that long to get to know the real person at the time. The problem is we as people are constantly changing and it's the change that causes divorce in most cases. For me, I think I would wait a minimum of 1 year to marry someone, I think it is all the time you need to learn about someone's true colors.

[RedDress]

I think it depends on the people involved, their ages, their life experiences, their expectations, etc.

 

A minimum of a year if you are under the age of 75. (LOL! If you are 90, hey!, marry at will...)

 

I don't think people under 25 should even be allowed to marry... you are still undergoing a lot of life changes at that age. 30 is better.

 

Between 30 and 75 - a year is about right. Much less than that and I'll argue that you don't know the person. Much more than that and I question how important marriage is to them.

 

As you get older, most people are better judges of character (also known as jaded - lol!). Usually, experience (especially dating experience) allows you to filter out the incompatible much more quickly - hence the shorter timeframe.

[Eocsor]

There is no right or wrong answer. My Aunt and Uncle married after 3 months of meeting each other when they were 21. Married 58 years now quite happily. My Friend Kevin dated for 5 years, lived together for two of those and was divorced 6 months after he got married.

 

It's all a crap shoot anyway. Anyone who can tell you that this is the way to do it is full of themselves.

[Jd1983]

I don't think there's really a right or wrong answer here. I'm with everyone who states that it really depends on the individual.

[octour]

I don't know about having to wait until 3 years or 4 years or 5 etc, but I do think that there should at least a minimum of dating for 1 year followed by at least a 6 month engagement. Certain questions not only need to be asked but actions need to be shown. I was recently dating someone for 3.5 years. We were just talking about getting married 4 months ago. The only reason I waited that long was because of my work. Next week we were supposed to go away for 10 days as a celebration that the wait was finally over as my work is changing. We broke up 3 months ago and she married some guy who teaches soccer to kids 1 month ago. She didn't even know the guy for 3 months. She went from knowing somebody inside and out, to not knowing somebody at all other than the good stuff that goes along with the first couple of months you date anybody and married him. So, even though I don't think their marriage will last because of the dishonesty and haste that led to it, every situation is different. But only until you are married (at least I think, I've never been) do you find out who that person really is day in and day out. You need to at least have a fight, travel together, talk about kids, share the chores, assume roles perhaps, discuss your careers and money issues before you get married. I don't think it's wise to get married first, then discuss or live these issues as they are the usual reasons why couples divorce. Because these issues didn't have a chance to be discussed until after the actual marriage. You are talking about a lifelong commitment. You should at least talk in great detail about where you stand on issues that will affect you as a couple before they arise not until its too late.

[DylanNotorious]

Personally I think you should wait until you get asked.

 

What is with people who have time-frames?? I think they are jumping the gun. All you have to do is wait to be asked.

[Batya33]

Yes, individual. I've seen it run the gamut so I'm not surprised about Sophie's post. I wouldn't have married someone who insisted on living together first as a test drive since I don't think sharing physical space is necessarily relevant to how you relate when you live together during marriage and in my case since we became new parents shortly after getting married I think living together beforehand would have hurt us - the changes that a newborn brings to your relationship and sharing of space are so drastic I would have hated to have expectations based on living together beforehand. For a couple in their 30s who want a family and I would say it's best to know each other a year before the wedding (including the engagement) just to have that experience of the seasons, holidays birthdays and other things that typically happen over a year's period of time. But no hard and fast rule. For a young couple in their teens/early 20s still finishing school I would think that finishing school first is probably a good idea because who needs the stress of finishing school, not yet having a full time job, etc.

[lanaa]

i noticed one thing,,the longer in relationship without marriage-bigger chance that marriage will never occur

 

after 3 years,you really should take the relationship to the next step

[gluestick]

In response to lanaa, I think to get married after dating 3 years really depends on your age and financial stability. I highly advise against couples to marry before the age of 25. Most likely you are at a crossroad of post-graduate education and/or finding your career. Such changes in life likely result in two people growing in different directions, which causes separation or divorce. I think it's also safe to say that on average, men are ready for marriage in late 20s or early 30s. After all, it's a lifelong commitment and responsibility.

[Snny]

I think it depends on the people involved, their ages, their life experiences, their expectations, etc.

 

A minimum of a year if you are under the age of 75. (LOL! If you are 90, hey!, marry at will...)

 

I don't think people under 25 should even be allowed to marry... you are still undergoing a lot of life changes at that age. 30 is better.

 

In response to lanaa, I think to get married after dating 3 years really depends on your age and financial stability. I highly advise against couples to marry before the age of 25. Most likely you are at a crossroad of post-graduate education and/or finding your career. Such changes in life likely result in two people growing in different directions, which causes separation or divorce. I think it's also safe to say that on average, men are ready for marriage in late 20s or early 30s. After all, it's a lifelong commitment and responsibility.

I second these. It really situational, if both people are working on improving their lives to be situated. If one person is doing nothing to improve his/her life then its time to walk.

[petite]

So many factors to consider, age, financial status, career, children from previous relationships/marriages. I'd say if the couple is in their late 20's (27+) 30's and 40's or older with no previous marriage or children then a year is sufficient. Otherwise I'd say 2 years if underage children are involved and if the couple is under 25 then wait until they finish school (college) and have somewhat stable career so 2-4 years. I personally would never advise anyone under the age of 25 to get married. Yes people do it, it's their life, but if a friend or cousin asked my opinion I'd definitely say they are too young.

[redswim30]

The only thing I would say about a time frame- is to wait at least a year so that the person isn't a stranger. After a year, it is pretty hard to conceal any major issues. I think someone is a pretty much a stranger if you've known them for less than a year.

 

The problem with any "standard" though is that people change- Attitudes can change, perspectives, life goals, priorities, important idealogies be it religion, money, children or otherwise, interests, etc. All these can be huge contributing factors to why a marriage doesn't work out regardless of how old you were when you met or how long you were together before you got married.

 

Since people change (and especially over the course of a 10, 20, 30 year relationship) and no one is immune to this happening (minding of course that not everyone grows apart through these changes) I see it as pretty irrelvent to the time frame you had before marriage.

 

I knew my ex-husband for almost ten years before we got married and it didn't make a difference. (I was over 30 when we married)

 

My grandmother got married after knowing my grandfather for just over a year and they were together for life. (She was seventeen when she married)

[LilyXX]

"to wait at least 4 years, along with having been living with the person for a year or two"

That is far too long to wait. When it is the right person you know a lot sooner that that.

If you wanted to wait and see 1-2 years is enough, waiting longer does not make too much sense.

If after 2 years you are not sure that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with,

you are with the wrong person and you are waisting time.

 

I lived with someone for 5 years, and dated him a few years before that. He proposed to me once, and I refused and broke up with him.

Then we got back together, lived together, he talked about marriage, but I never wanted to get married, did not want kids. I did not realize at the time that I did not want these things with THAT MAN.

 

When I met my husband he proposed to be on our 3 month anniversary and we were married 6 months later.

We both knew that we were right for each other very soon.

[Unknown1607307972]

I'm approaching 3 years with my boyfriend and I don't feel ready for marriage yet, but I don't think it's him who is the cause. Is it really wasting your time if you just feel you're too young and not financially stable enough for marriage?

[Notagoodninja]

Well this is rly horrible but this is my 2nd failed marriage at 29. I will never re-marry again. They say your odds are like...horrific at 3x lol. I don't want to be one of those women who have like 8 failed marriages.

it's extrememly depressing. The first husband didn't take care of us, he spent all the money I made- and got us evicted and our vehicles repo's and it got to the point where I had no food for my kid in the fridge. It was horrible. I endured like 5 years total with him.

Then we divorced, and I thought I found the man of my dreams. Ok so my first husband we split up 6 months before I met my DH who had also just gotten divorced

Anyway this guy worked hard, that's the only good thing about him I guess, he worked his butt off and he made good money and he had a house at the time and promised he would take care of my child and I.

flash forward 4 years later...I was just put in the hospital because of his abuse. He abused us 4 years and is a socio path

So I've had some horrible luck and the sad thing is, nobody is gonna want me anymore, ya know? really really depressing. nobody is gonna want a 29 year old with 2 failed marriages!

It sucks so bad because I was the happiest kind of person and so much to give. I love to do EVERYTHING fun and adventurous and I work out all the time. Even after having a kid I wanted to keep fit etc..............it just breaks my heart that I wasted my life on these 2 men and here I am with nothing and now I feel like- nobody's gonna want that. I dont have any desire

[Notagoodninja]

Oh I forgot to say, with the first marriage we knew each other almost a year then got married. We were married 3-4 years

We split up and 6 months later I met my second husband who also had just divorced....he and his wife were together 10 years total. I feel like he spent 4 years punishing me for HER sins.

Anyway 2nd husband and I dated 2 years, and it would of been 2 years of marriage in a couple months...only I had to divorce because he was abusing me in every way...and I was in danger

[Snny]

I see your point. Sometimes marriage isn't about being financially stable and you have to feel respected by your partner.

 

But isn't that the reason why we date though? Isn't it important to get to know someone, find the red flags, and decide if that person would be a compatible spouse for you? The problems described usually happen before marriage, especially if you date an abusive partner.

 

And just because someone is 29, divorced, and with a child doesn't mean they are permanently out of the dating scene unless you decide it.

[OptomisticGirl]

There is do define 'perfect time to wait' until marriage, it differs for every relationship. Some people say 4 years is perfect but for others they need 6 years or you have those like my husband and I who were married a year and a half into our relatoinship (we are LDR, as well). It's about when you as a couple feel ready and if all things have been discussed.

[zelder]

I have not read through the thread but just wanted to reply to the OP. The most important part of making a marriage work is having the ability to make and keep a commitment. I seriously doubt that marriage success has much if anything to do with how long the couple dated in advance to making the commitment. Every marriage has ups and downs, it's the commitment that gets you through the bad times and on into the good times. Honesty, kindness, the ability to communitcate feeling and ideas and having similar goals and values are also key features of a good marriage. It really does not take very long to figure out if the person you are dating have similar goals and values etc.

 

For the life of me I can't understand why it would take anyone more than a year to figure out if the person you are dating is marriage material. Marriage success has little to do with premarital dating and everything to do with having solid values.

[redrose85]

If my current relationship were to end for some reason (we got engaged after 5 years) and I found someone new, no way would I wait that long again. I’d give the person 2 years max.