confused.com

[rosie smith]

so to cut a long, long story short my ex and i broke up ten months, tried to work things out. My emotions got in the way instead of me being cooled and relaxed around him, he could not take it anymore I guess called me up to explain the pressure he felt etc etc. I told him that once he broke away from him that was it we were over and he said ok give me time we will talk in two months.

 

few days later he started sleeping with his hr boss at work.

 

three weeks later I dropped round his birthday present, just a small gesture, nothing special.

 

he called me that evening crying, basically had a break down.

 

told me he had to pick the present up from me as everytime he looked at it, it would remind him of me, I ended up going round to his place that night to pick up the present where he reminded me again how he needed time to sort his head out and then once he was done he would get to know me again.

 

I then go home that night found he took me off facebook, skype and hotmail.

 

I text him saying look what are you doing? if it is over between us and if you are doing all of this to push me away just so and that is it its over??

 

I also told him please don't say something you don't mean and mess about with my feelings and my emotions.

 

this whole situation is not about you, it is about me to!!

 

anyway five days later I caught him driving round to this womens he had already started sleeping with at ten at night, clearly for sex!!

 

 

now it is two months later, I have not spoken to my ex however last week I asked him for all our holiday photos back.

 

I know men normally don't get sublte hints but he needs to realise he might be loosing me, if he planned to or not.

 

and even though I am not blaming myself but I do feel like I kind of pushed away from me and towards some women that clearly liked him and was prepared to give him sex straight away!!!

 

anyway he came round to my parents, could not ring the doorbell or nothing and just dropped my mail and pictures through my parents door.

 

so when I emailed him four days ago now saying thanks, I might need my things back soon

 

he never replied

 

now I know my ex is not a bad guy and I do think that may be he can not face me cause he feels guilty for how he has treated me and may be he just does not care anymore however

 

I don't know what is going on in my ex head so this is why I am wanting a second opion on things

 

my friend turned round and said to me today the only reason why he would not reply to your email about taking you things back is cause it is his way of him keeping hold of a part of you and as much as yes I should spell everything out to my ex if I really want him to get things

 

but am I doing the right thing by not emailing him asking for my things, back I don't really need them. Guess I just thought I would test my ex and see if he was ready to properly get me out of his life for good or not yet.

 

cause yes we might not be together at the mo and he might be sleeping with soneone else

 

and yes I am single and if I wanted to be with someone, I am happy on my own, guess I could do

 

but none of this means that after being in a relatioship with someone for 8 years means that I don't feel like he would forget about me just like that and I certainly have not forgotten about him and even though my feelings have changed towards him and I am not sure if I do love him now.

 

I guess I just want someone to tell him am I doing the right thing by leaving my ex alone still, not even bothering to ask him about my things I would like back from the flat again, not bothering to confront him about anything and if one day he decides to work things out with me he will do

 

or are we properly over in terms of the fact that may be my ex does not wanna talk to me ever again or anything?? and if this is the case why can't he just give me back what i have asked for and thats it we are properly over??

 

thanks for your help

[tyr72]

I think he got the hint that he might be losing you. I think you need to take the hint that he is already gone. He is having sex with other women, he isn't contacting you, he dropped off the pictures without talking to you because he didn't want to talk to you. If for some reason you need more proof than that send him an email and ask him, but stop with the "tests" and the games.

 

As to why he can't just return your things, from what you've said you haven't asked him to. You've preferred to leave them at his place as an excuse to initiate contact and test him.

 

Leaving him alone would be the right thing to do, for both of you. You are tying yourself in knots over someone who obviously wants something different now. You deserve better than to chase after someone who doesn't want what you have to offer.

[rosie smith]

sorry for the late reply but basically I have spoken to my ex since this post, well we bumped into each other he basically explained to me that he really wants time try and get over things and get to know me again, which is why he freaks out as he did when he saw me the other day, when I say freaked he kind of goes into panic attack mode and all of that.

 

even though we did agree we would not contact each other, I don't know if he was just trying to be with this girl for x amount of time or I don't really know if he actually wants the time to heal, I have explained in previous posts the issue my my ex and I have had so it is a tough situation, def got tougher since sleeping with someond.

 

I am not tieing myself in knots anymore about anything, no point what will be will be now you know and look I am not stupid I know there are certain things my ex tells me that are clearly lies and he was never a liar.

 

However I can't say that he def does not need the time to heal, cause when I saw him the other day he had no reason to say that he needed time, if we were officially over over

 

and even though I do see myself as single now I am quite happy this way and may be I am stupid to think that my ex does just need time to heal I dunno?

 

all I do know is that 8 years is a long time to be with someone and I just don't think you forgot about that person like that and may be I am wrong to say this but I do feel like if this women he was sleeping with is starting to mean something to him why would any guy drag things out. He is only making himself in a worse position as well, especially because we still have mutual friends and so on so If it really was the case that he wants nothing more to do with me, why not just say so the other day you know.

 

I have never been needy with my or anything, we have both been through a lot emontionally and yup he might not wanna know me but I would never chase after anyone, that is not my style at all.

 

I should just say look as far as this women he has been sleeping with and I am not making excuses here but she is giving him sex, clearly at the moment he is not going to say to no to her and even though yes he could end up marrying her and all that I am not gonna worry about it cause it wont help, all I can do is say things the way they are played out to me, cause even my dad at first was like oh may be my ex does not care about you anymore but given his behaviour even he??? it now and yup may be I will regret saying this but hey as I said I don't know anyone who would not of told the girl we are offically over now and even though yup he is sleeping with someone else all I can do is live my life and see how things play out you know and hope I don't regret saying any of this.

 

I have spoken to my ex about my things but I would of much rather tested him about things than be all demanding and rush round to his flat like a crazy person and grabbed everything you know

 

thanks for your reply

 

seriously though I am not pinning my hopes on anything in terms of the ex and I , I am a firm beliver that if two people are meant to be they will be and I really can't say if my ex is lieing to me about how he feels about needing time and I know he wont talk to me whilst he is sleeping with this other but as I said how I can not give him the time and see what happens you know. I am in a happy place at the mo and I guess I have gotta go with my guts feelings on this and believe that the way my ex is with me when he sees me is not an act, unless he is an amazing actor that is mmm???!!

[tyr72]

So, to sum up: In eight years your relationship has progressed to your boyfriend not contacting you willingly, sleeping with someone else, and having panic attacks when he does see you. No matter how you excuse or rationalize the situation these are the facts. Does he still care about you? Very probably, but so what? I still care about my ex-wife very much, but I wouldn't be married to her again for anything. Just because you care for someone doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with them. Contrary to popular belief love is not all you need. Just because you have been with him eight years is no reason to put more time in to a failing relationship.

 

I expect that nothing can be said that will make you see that you are throwing more of your time and yourself down a bottomless hole. That is unfortunate. I wish you the best.

[rosie smith]

Well a turn of events happened I guess and emails were getting replied but he still has anger issues I guess so I'n the end I've told him that I can't carry on like this and I'f one day he I's gonna be ok around me and it's the right time for me as well he can call me and we will go from there and until then that's it were over so to speak

 

There I's so much to my and my ex story I'd be here forever and day explaining it all but as crazy as I might be for saying this its just how I feel the only reason why my ex never walked away us cause we have both been screwed up from the break up he has seen me change a lot which made it harder for him to walk away and it kind of always worried me that he would go off with the first girl that payed him some attention but regardless of all of that I do think it will be interesting to see If my ex stays with this girl now and I also think to myself that may be it does not matter how much I change my Ex never will but hey everyone told me I did the right thing by saying move on today and now I'm gonna have to believe that I'n time I'f we are meant to be together we will be.

 

I know this sounds harsh to but sometimes I feel like couples never work things out cause they never take the time to change and it's so easy to walk away you know and even thOugh my ex does not know I know about this girl he's sleeping with I'm quite interested to see how thing plan out from now on

 

Thanks for your reply

[rosie smith]

Ps. I don't believe In bottom less pits I've just believed I'n doing whats right for me. Making changes where I've have to. Letting my ex see those changes and believing that things are gonna Change for the better from now on and If my ex and I are meant to sort things out we will do and If not i don't need a man at the mo anyway.

 

As much as I agree love I's not all you need but I do know that given my situation I's was all about making my Ex see I've changed me realising well may be he never would and letting him go and see what happens from here on I'n

 

Cause I'f you love

 

Then making changes I's easy and I am not saying that I'n hope that my ex and I will be ok just that I guess I believe that things I'n my life are gonna Start changing now

[tyr72]

You shouldn't make changes to yourself to please someone else, or to be something that they want or need. You should change to become who you want to be. Likewise, you shouldn't expect or want someone else to change to be who you want or need. Right now you have an opportunity. Decide who you want to be and become that person, and decide what you require in a partner and look for that person. Do not settle for someone you think has potential. If you find yourself saying things along the lines of "Once this thing happens things between us will be better." then the person is not the person for you. The questions that you should ask are: "If this person never changes a single thing about themselves can I love them, respect them, and happily live my life beside them?" and "If I never change a single thing about myself will this person love me, respect me, and live their life happily at my side?" If the answers to those two questions are "Yes" then you have probably met someone with whom you have real potential.

[rosie smith]

thans tyr and you are right and you know I know all of this myself but I guess look I know potientially look when I don't argue with my ex he does not argue with me and even though I made all the changes for myself, it would of never of worked if I did it for him.

 

I guess I could not take the pressure of knowing that yup he is sleeping with this new woment for a reason, he can't let go of me for a reason and I gave him opportunites to and everything, given him time cause I know he needs time to heal and all that, and done everything I could do and now all I could do is tell him move on with your life and I will do the same, cause it does make me confused that he would not let go of him and I do think part of that is cause I am a better person now than before and he can see that, however he is still sleeping with this other women and the trouble is I guess may be my sister is right whilst he still thinks I am around (even though I really am not) things will never change now cause I have done everything I can do and yup may be my ex needs more time but however whilst he is with this girl and I am still kind of in the picture may be he will never see her in a different light and may be won't may be he really wants to be with her.

 

But anyway the whole point is until I put my foot down and spelled it out to him I have had enough now, of you crying to me and telling me you want to sort yourself out and then you going back to her five days later and even when my ex has cried to me I had to make it clear loo sort yourself out don't expect me to help you through this, I have a business to set up and so on.

 

I can't say for certain if my ex and I can ever sort things out cause may be it won't matter how much I change he might not he has to want to do it for himself, get himself the help that he know he needs and whatever happens from ther will happen but until then you know I don't need a man at this moment in my life. I just needed my ex to know are you really ready for a life without me, cause I really don't think he has thought about it and it is very easy I feel to go off with someone new without thinking well is this really what I want for myself. And thats why I guess in the end I had to kind of shock him and be like I have had enough now you know, cause I don't think he was expecting it, especially after I try and tell him things like if you wanna push me away just say it is over and still nothing and yet he is big enough to tell me where to live and everything else!!

 

So yet again I have told him now to move on, on sunday I will tell him that if he really feels ok around me one day and it is the right time for me as well, may be we can start again but until that times he needs to live his life without me and hope I am doing the right thing you know.

 

cause one min my ex ignores my emails, he was never good at messaging me back even when we were together but then he sees me and in the end we get on fine, then he says he is fine to keep certain furniture of mine cause I don't need it at the mo but I can take the wardbrobe out his flat, so I tell him fine respect that you need to give me time and then he emails me back saying how I will never take the things and all sorts. Why would I lie about that you know so in the end I am lie may be my ex is confused I dunno but all this bad stuff he is putting himself through at the mo, all his lies he tells and bad energy he has at the mo.

 

Until I walked away, cause even though he kind of did I felt like I had to make the stand was anything really gonna change, even if one day he woke up and realised he missed me by that stage it could be to late for both of us I feel, at least well I hope by me walking away now I will have my answers about things either he will carry on staying with this girl or the fact that he can not message me over anything means that things will change.

 

but either way I wanna live my own life now with out this worry and hope that I have done the right thing???

 

and just see where life takes me you know

 

thanks for your reply