They're already in love?!

[elastic]

I am ashamed to say that I broke NC after a month by checking my ex’s new bf’s blog. He wrote that he "is so in love" with her…already

 

I thought I was doing a lot better lately but now I am hurting so much. How can they be in love after 1 month together? Is it really love or just infatuation?

 

Why do I care so much?

 

This girl lied to me, probably cheated on me and played stupid mind games. I know that I can never trust her again. I know that I deserve so much better but it doesn't even matter right now.

 

For those who don’t know my story: my gf of 3.5 years left in September for a much younger guy that she worked with at camp over the summer. He lives three hours away and they only see each other on weekends. She messed me around for a month and then lied to me about why she wanted to break up. They started seeing each other 1 week after the BU.

[camus154]

I'm sorry about the circumstances, but you can't really be surprised that you're hurting more now that you've gone and checked up on her.

 

You know none of these questions matter. The other guy doesn't matter. Now you have to get over this latest hurdle, and you know that's just going to take more time, and HOPEFULLY you learned your lesson and won't be digging her up again.

[elastic]

I'm sorry about the circumstances, but you can't really be surprised that you're hurting more now that you've gone and checked up on her.

 

You know none of these questions matter. The other guy doesn't matter. Now you have to get over this latest hurdle, and you know that's just going to take more time, and HOPEFULLY you learned your lesson and won't be digging her up again.

 

You're so right, camus. The mornings are always the worst and I had a really intense dream about her last night. I just cracked. I spent the last few hours setting up the proper safeguards so that, if I am tempted again, it will be very difficult to check up on her.

 

Lesson learned.

[lalalollipops]

Of course it's not love. You CANNOT truly love sb in one month lol. Love takes time and understanding. ALOT more time. Don't let it bother you OP. I know it's painful, but don't let it bother you.

 

All my exes have told me they loved me by the end of the 2nd month, I never did take it seriously. Love isn't like BANG and it happens, it takes seeing them at their worst, knowing about the messed up side of them lol this doesn't happen in the first few months since we're usually all lovey dovey and in the honeymoon period.

[elastic]

Of course it's not love. You CANNOT truly love sb in one month lol. Love takes time and understanding. ALOT more time. Don't let it bother you OP. I know it's painful, but don't let it bother you.

 

All my exes have told me they loved me by the end of the 2nd month, I never did take it seriously. Love isn't like BANG and it happens, it takes seeing them at their worst, knowing about the messed up side of them lol this doesn't happen in the first few months since we're usually all lovey dovey and in the honeymoon period.

 

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you lala. When we were together I didn't tell her that I loved her until month 6. She's not of right mind at the moment. I could plainly see that during our last few weeks together and her friends and family told me the same.

 

She has spent little time with this new guy (only weekends since late september) and I doubt they truly know each other yet. It may take a number of months, but he'll eventually see how irrational and jealous she can be when she's at her worst. I can definitely foresee her jealous nature being a problem when this guy is away at college with other girls around.

[octour]

Of course it's not love. You CANNOT truly love sb in one month lol. Love takes time and understanding. ALOT more time. Don't let it bother you OP. I know it's painful, but don't let it bother you.

 

All my exes have told me they loved me by the end of the 2nd month, I never did take it seriously. Love isn't like BANG and it happens, it takes seeing them at their worst, knowing about the messed up side of them lol this doesn't happen in the first few months since we're usually all lovey dovey and in the honeymoon period.

 

I agree with what was said about the quick 'I love you's'. That is for lovesick kids in junior high, not adults. I believe in the axiom, the quicker the i love you's, the quicker the relationship ends. You cannot know someone well enough in 2 months to be 'in love' with them. You can care about, develop feelings for them sure. But you cannot love someone until you love yourself first. People who say 'i love you' so quick are people who are define by who they are with. That is needy and clingy and insecure. They say 'i love you' to get the i love you back to feel less needy, clingy and insecure and they clearly do not love themselves.

[elastic]

That is for lovesick kids in junior high, not adults.

 

Well her new bf is only 19 so that could explain it

[endy]

Yeah, it depends how you define love. All you have to do is go back, and examine what happened when you first met. The love you're talking about is animalistic. Most of us are addicted to it. It's why some jump from person to person like a * * * * * , disrespecting their bodies. Someone that loves themselves will not do that All a honeymoon period is, is love operating out of its first three seals or levels of conciousness. . They are sexual attraction, which is what drives most people to fall in love. Most rebounds won't get past this seal. The second seal is to do with pain and suffering or taking care of another. Sometimes we get sick because we want to feel that love again or want to feel taken care of and loved again. The third seal is power and manipulation. All relationships will always operate out of these three seals and they are animalistic until your conciousness and awareness is raised. The only love that exists as true on this earth as we see it right now is the love a mother can have for a child, and those animals that mate for life. That is unless of course you love yourself enough, or raise your conciousness or vibration higher. That's operating out of the fourth seal and is unconditional love.

 

So to answer your question... do you think they have true love? Do you think falling in love is really love? Because usually it's just wam bam thank you mam, then is either familiar, and that's why a lot of people stay, or just the status quo. Typical marriage, kids, job, and then it's repeated through generations. It all depends on how much you love your "self", and how much they love their "self"

[elastic]

Endy, thank you for replying. I feel like I have read hundreds of your posts on this forum and I always value your opinion with the highest regard.

 

I definitely think this new relationship is just sexual attraction at the moment (first seal). I have no idea if she “loves” him but he obviously “loves” her.

 

Reflecting back on our relationship, I’m not sure we were ever truly in love either. Like him, I think we confused dependency and infatuation for love. Much of our 3+ years were spent apart (I was away for nearly 2 years for school and she was away much of the last year) and I think we both just liked having someone to share with and have on the other end of the phone. Due to the LDR, whenever we spent time together it was very intense and we both were on cloud nine. We spoke about moving in together and marriage. I honestly thought she was the perfect girl for me. It wasn’t until this past winter/spring that I began to see her flaws and became less attentive. This coincided with her own doubts about what she wants right now (she has always had a fear of regrets and growing up). I think the prospect of moving to the next step in our relationship really scared her at 23 years old. Luckily for her she met this younger guy over the summer so she had a new experience to jump into. Now she’s get back into the honeymoon stage she craved so much (she told me in August that she missed the way things were between us during our first 6 months…go figure).

 

With her away for much of the summer, and being quite the moody * * * * * whenever she came home, I started thinking about life on my own. These thoughts were fleeting though and I was completely floored when she ended it last month. I thought she would at least give us a chance now that we were finished the LDR and school was done. Maybe it would’ve have worked out between us had she never met this new guy…but I guess I’ll never know. I admitted to her during the BU that after 3+ years I was scared of being alone again. This is probably why I have taken it so hard.

 

I plan to stick with complete NiC. I don't want to be her friend while she is with someone else. And for that reason I don’t think she’ll come back when her rebound ends. Even though she kept telling me that we might be together in the future when she figures herself out, she will probably have moved on by then and no longer carry feelings for me. If she does, however, I know that I can never trust her like I used to. There would always be doubts and a dark cloud hanging over me. She said a lot of what she did during the BU to spare my feelings, but now that I know the truth it will be very hard for me to ever completely forgive her. That is how I feel at the moment.

 

Sorry about the lengthy post. I just needed to get it out.

[TSandullo]

Endy nailed it.

 

elastic, regardless of what the status of their relationship is and how they feel, it is of no relevance to you now.

Coming back to you, regardless of what your ex tells you, getting back together or not, make the first few attempts to move on with your life.

 

People often say certain things to 'let people go easily' and the truth only reveals itself in time when you see their face plastered to another.

 

Block her online if you must, refuse friendship (politely) if you must, but make a slow attempt to move on.

You'll be fine in time, as cliche as it sounds.

 

TS

[endy]

You want to know the best thing you can do in life is? Fall in love with yourself. Love yourself for all your flaws and accept yourself completely and fully. Know that you are more than just the walking physical man. When you respect yourself in that fashion... You are going to attract someone else the same. That doesn't mean it's always going to workout, but at that point it won't matter. You will start to ignore the beauty of what the status quo says beauty is. How hot someone is, and you'll desire to have something more than that. You'll look inside that person and see yourself. You have got to realize that we are a lot more than just physical beings. Your experiences in life will help you realize this, even if you don't conciously want to.

[David Mac]

pretty good thread, with great advice.

 

As peeps have said you gotta let her go, I suffered exactly the same experience as yourself bar hes 22. I did see her facebook wall 1 week after bu and then not until 3 months later. Of course it hurt but I had to see what was going on. They declaring their love and soulmates etc etc. When I realised this wasn't a rebound it was strange but I started to feel better because I know where I stand.

She's history now, sod her I have self worth, yes she knocked me down but i'm back up on my feeet and I'm about to start my 2nd attempt at dating.

[elastic]

pretty good thread, with great advice.

 

As peeps have said you gotta let her go, I suffered exactly the same experience as yourself bar hes 22. I did see her facebook wall 1 week after bu and then not until 3 months later. Of course it hurt but I had to see what was going on. They declaring their love and soulmates etc etc. When I realised this wasn't a rebound it was strange but I started to feel better because I know where I stand.

She's history now, sod her I have self worth, yes she knocked me down but i'm back up on my feeet and I'm about to start my 2nd attempt at dating.

 

While it is awful that you had to go through all that, it is very reassuring that you've had a similar experience and came out alright on the other side. How are you sure that it isn't a rebound though? Anyway, it doesn't matter since you've moved on.

 

I will no longer check up on them. Even seeing those words ("I love this woman.") have set me back. She is out of my life and it's my choice as to whether or not she can hurt me now. I do still have strong feelings for her, but keeping tabs my ex will only bring pain.

 

Side story/update:

I ran into her mom's best friend this week. She was very kind and said she would say hi to my ex's mom for me. I was always close with her mom but, as she was away for the last couple months, I never had a chance to say goodbye or anything. I know it's a bit silly now but it really weighed on me right after the BU. She was like a second mother to me for nearly 4 years.

 

Anyway, her mom sent me a text this morning. She said that she never realized how much she missed me until she spoke to her friend. She wished me happiness and said I will always hold a special place in her heart. Sounds sappy but it meant a lot for her to reach out. I wrote back to say thank you and wished her the best. I feel much better now as there are no lingering thoughts as far as our relationship is concerned.

 

Break ups after a LDR are so difficult. Not only is your ex leaving your life but so are all the people connected to them that you may have gotten very close to over the years. Surprisingly, for me, that has been one of the most difficult parts of this last month. Her mom, her sister, her friends -- multiple people, not just the ex, who I would see on a near daily basis were just erased from my life in an instant. Sad.

[David Mac]

totally relate to what you just said, I lost my mum when I was 20, and my ex's mum was the most funniest and nicest woman I ever met.

Of course I never saw her replacing my mum, but I loved her. I never got the chance to say bye, but recently I came back onto facebook with a new account, I searched for her mum and whilst not adding her I messaged her. To say sorry about the loss of the cat as he was a lil legend, and that hoped she didnt mind me messaging her and that i hoped she was ok. She replied and thanked me telling me how cat was so special and that she misses him. She wished me all the best and to take care. Its not sappy mate its just a shame when you cant see certain people anymore who stand out from others.

 

I just know deep down that the ex has found the one, She never messaged me or made any contact as soon as we broke off, we never talked about the breakup it just happened. I gave it 6 weeks and wrote a letter and even visited her once just to try and talk and she told me to leave her alone.

 

Strange how similar your experience is to mine. Wish you the best in getting through your situation

[Stay_home]

I think she'll definitely call you again.

[elastic]

I read you story David and it is very strange how similar they are. I never tried to visit her after the break up but I also wrote a letter at the 2-week mark once I found out about her new bf. It wasn't an angry letter...just disappointed. I don't think she's found the one but I also don't expect to hear from her again. I am starting to realize that we came into each others' lives at very crucial times and helped each other out through difficult situations over the past few years. I was lucky so have such a caring and encouraging person in my life when I did. I will no doubt miss her companionship the most.

 

Best of luck to you as well!

[calisurfer]

My situation is very similar to yours. Left me for someone else, cheated on and it was a huge drama mess. It's been over 10 months since my bu and I did fall off the NC wagon more than once. Best piece of advice I can give you is stick to NC. I finally stuck to NC. It was tough at first but it got easier and easier. I just wish I would've stuck to it from day one. My ex is blocked on FB, as is his number on my cell and his email address too. Will I unblock him? Nope. He's part of my past and that's where he's going to stay. That was the hardest part for me to accept. That's what you have to realize. Your ex and the relationship was a chapter in your life. You have to close that chapter and move on.

 

The other guy doesn't matter, she doesn't matter, you just have to concentrate on yourself. Do things that make you happy, join a gym, start working out, take up a new hobby...hell go skydiving, take a trip. If you need to vent come online and vent on here.

[jordan5508]

Be a man dude.

 

Keep up with NC rule and do not give in.

 

If she really wants you back during the NC period she will do everything in her power to contact you and win you over.

 

Delete him and her off all social media platforms and avoid her and him at all costs.

 

NC will help you heal and is the ONLY OPTION! Don't live in torture and expose yourself like a loser.

 

Accept it and move on with NC.

 

Time heals everything. TRUST ME!

[elastic]

He's part of my past and that's where he's going to stay. That was the hardest part for me to accept. That's what you have to realize. Your ex and the relationship was a chapter in your life. You have to close that chapter and move on.

 

This is what I'm struggling with the most. We had an amazing few years together but I have to let her go.

 

I can't thank you guys enough for your thoughtful responses.