Stay of Go... Just cannot make a decision

[BrokenM4n]

I've attempted to write this post about 5 times over the last 2 weeks - I plot it in my head and then answer my own question.. but here goes..

 

Lots of stuff has been said and done since my wife told me she had fallen out of love with me.. nearly 7 months ago. There have been massive ups and downs and I’m still at home despite having two clear dates to leave the family home. Whist she may not have said "Dont Go" she has certainly said, "let try this" which is more than enough to make me stay. I have a mind-set of wanting to do everything and anything to put this right before separating...especially as this is more my fault than hers (I think...friends and family tell me differently).

 

Anyhow.. all of our differences have been addressed, neither of us repeat the mistakes that caused the tension and troubles of the past...although she still has a her moments. It was only last week that she said I’m everything she ever wanted... I still love her as much as i ever have but i just cannot reignite that spark. It's like she had enough, put up a barrier and is completely incapable of lowering it...despite telling me that it's what she ultimately wants.

 

Reading this, you will have to take my word for it that I’m sure there are other problems in her life are stopping her and they're are blamed on me and the problems in our relationship i.e. i think she'd feel the same about these things if things were still good between us (her career - of lack off for example).

 

so, getting to the point... I miss her, love her, love living in my home with my kids but this empty loveless relationship is just so hard to deal with. She was my best mate…things went wrong…we’ve both addressed our differences and i think it's reached the stage where i want to be wanted…instead she tells me she feels completely numb, she can’t decide either way.

 

...and here we reach the end of this and i guess i know the answer...if she does need me in her life then i suppose i have to remove myself from it for her to see that. Just feels so wrong to put the kids through such a traumatic time if it’s not necessary.

[april15]

BrokenM4n, I hope you can find some good advice here. I know your feeling, have been there, would have stayed but the ex went from numb to hot for another man. My advice, if you both can stay faithful, make a happy home for your kids, keep an open rapport with your wife and try to find a way back into her heart.

 

I think you hit on a classic relationship issue. A couple loves each other, wants to stay together, want a happy home for the kids, but one partner is no longer interested in sex. The other is feeling rejected and disconnected because there is no sex. If the no sex partner gives in and just has sex they feel objectified and disconnected.

[turnera]

It's a lot easier to fix your marriage than to leave and start over with someone else...with whom you're just as likely to repeat your performance.

 

Go get this book, and read it together with your wife - maybe a chapter each night: His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. It gives you a basic methodology to proof your marriage against failure.

 

Also go to link removed (website of the author of the book, but avoid their forums; it's toxic) and find and print out their Love Buster questionnaire, one for each of you. Fill them out. Share with each other. Learn how you Love Busted her (made her unhappy) and spend the next 2 or 3 months removing those bad habits that resulted in the LBs; ask her to do the same. It takes that long to really change your habits. Once you've done that, go back and get the Emotional Needs questionnaire and fill that one out. It will teach you what her top ENs are, so that you can be the only person meeting those needs; and she needs to do the same for you.

 

Once you remove the unhappy part (LBs), and build up the happy part (ENs), AND start spending 10 to 15 hours a week together in non-kid/housework-related activities with each other (to rebloom the romance), you will most likely find that you ARE in love again, and in a much healthier, lifelong way.

[journeynow]

Sounds like there is still love for both of you, but you are stuck in limbo, wanting relationship improvements. Maybe you could agree on a time frame, 6 months perhaps, where you experiment with deepening the relationship. It can be fun, almost a game, you each come up with something like turnera's suggestion of reading a relationship book together, or special activities. Maybe a dating week, where you go out on several new dates together. Sparks and love ebb and flow in a long term relationship, and it can be rough when it ebbs, but it doesn't have to be reason to leave or build resentment. Try things that break the routine, that celebrate your relationship, and understand these things don't have to become routine either.

[BrokenM4n]

Thanks guys, I came back expecting each reply to say "leave her" .

 

April15 - thats the worry isn't it...in both directions I suppose.

 

Turnera, Journey - thanks for the suggestions and positive thoughts... i have nothing to lose in trying this new avenue, it's just getting her to try. We're also concentrating as a couple on improving those areas of her life that she doesn't like, it's only been 4 weeks and they only really go into practise next month (extra shifts, I’ve dealt with the childcare arrangements etc) so I’ll ride it out for November then will make these suggestions to her.

 

Really appreciate it. Thank you.