feeling like square one again

[thelastsong]

Thanks lastsong. It's really good to know that someone else has been in this same situation and found the positives. I need to get to that point because I am constantly torturing myself. Staying busy last month really helped to keep my mind occupied. This month I haven't had much motivation to get out and thus have been moping around the house feeling awful.

 

It's strange how someone can have such a drastic change of heart. How old was your ex if you dont mind me asking? I really think my ex is going through a quarter-life crisis of some sort.

 

I'm going to look into that book as well.

 

Take care

 

My ex is 26. I think it was less of a quarter-life crisis and more of a "the woman I never got over wants me back, and I love her more than anything." I think I always knew he'd leave me for her. I just kept hoping that he'd stay with me. I learned my lesson though.

[elastic]

My ex is 26. I think it was less of a quarter-life crisis and more of a "the woman I never got over wants me back, and I love her more than anything." I think I always knew he'd leave me for her. I just kept hoping that he'd stay with me. I learned my lesson though.

 

That must have been an awful feeling to live with...and even more awful when it came true.

 

I've realized that my ex simply cannot handle being single. She dated one guy for 4 years through high school and first year university. He treated her badly at the end (so she told me) and she ended up dating another guy for a few weeks, then another, and a couple months later we got together. Nearly 4 years later she leaves me for someone else. It says a lot about her insecurities and how she MUST have someone in her life that loves her. I wonder if it has something to do with her father leaving when she was young? Anyways, she could be an interesting case study

[thelastsong]

That must have been an awful feeling to live with...and even more awful when it came true.

 

I've realized that my ex simply cannot handle being single. She dated one guy for 4 years through high school and first year university. He treated her badly at the end (so she told me) and she ended up dating another guy for a few weeks, then another, and a couple months later we got together. Nearly 4 years later she leaves me for someone else. It says a lot about her insecurities and how she MUST have someone in her life that loves her. I wonder if it has something to do with her father leaving when she was young? Anyways, she could be an interesting case study

 

I can see that with my ex too. I think he dated me to make himself feel better after his ex left him, and he's had a lot of girlfriends and flings over the years. I think his self-esteem is so fragile that he needs someone in his life to adore him and constantly tell him that he is loved. At the same time, I think he's hooked on his ex because she doesn't adore him. She treats him very poorly and always leaves him wanting more. He is also very immature when it comes to love (e.g. he believes if couples are meant to be then they will never have any fights).

 

In any case, it's in the past now. That's interesting about your ex's father leaving when she was young. I wonder if she has problems committing/ getting emotionally attached because of this? Like she's never really committed in a relationship because in the back of her mind she's afraid that if she trusts completely, she'll get burned.

[elastic]

That sounds like the behavior of someone with low self-esteem. It would make sense for him to be in a relationship with someone who treats him badly...maybe it's what he feels he deserves. Either way, you are obviously too good for him. There are billions of people in the world, so there is surely someone more compatible for each of us than our exes.

 

I definitely think my ex has abandonment issues, but it that leads to her getting super attached rather than always looking for a way out...that is why the break up was such a surprise. She would give sooo much (in terms of attention, affection, gifts, etc.) not only to me but her previous ex because she wouldn't want us to leave for someone else. But eventually that would lead to anger on her part because it was virtually impossible to put the amount of effort into the relationship that she did while maintaining and active social and family life (she had very few friends while my group of friends is fairly large). She would always make me feel like I was coming up short...

She was also always very jealous when we were together and was worried that I was cheating on her. Any time I would hang out with other girls or had to work with women she would make little jabs that hinted at her resentment towards them. On a couple of occasions she even broke into hysterics, claiming she heard about an affair I had with another girl while away at school...after an hour of arguing and total confusion on my part she would reveal that it was all a joke--a test--to see if I was faithful. Oh god those were awful/strange nights. Definitely not healthy behavior :s

[thelastsong]

Wow, she sounds borderline! Any chance she had suicidal thoughts or behaviors or self-injured? You're right; it's definitely not healthy. We both deserve to be in relationships with someone who's got their stuff together.

 

My ex was almost the opposite with jealousy. He would purposefully flirt with other girls in front of me or brag about his sexual conquests and show me pictures of former girlfriends or flings and talk about how hot they were. I think he wanted to make me jealous so he could feel like I cared about him. Then he'd start harping on my appearance and telling me to lose weight when he's actually very overweight and I'm a healthy weight... I did lose weight, but the whole relationship really took a toll on my self-esteem.

[elastic]

Wow, she sounds borderline! Any chance she had suicidal thoughts or behaviors or self-injured? You're right; it's definitely not healthy. We both deserve to be in relationships with someone who's got their stuff together.

 

My ex was almost the opposite with jealousy. He would purposefully flirt with other girls in front of me or brag about his sexual conquests and show me pictures of former girlfriends or flings and talk about how hot they were. I think he wanted to make me jealous so he could feel like I cared about him. Then he'd start harping on my appearance and telling me to lose weight when he's actually very overweight and I'm a healthy weight... I did lose weight, but the whole relationship really took a toll on my self-esteem.

 

No, nothing like that...but depression runs in her close family. If her new relationship doesn't work out and she actually has to be alone for once I would honestly not be surprised if she had her own dip. I don't think the gravity of the whole situation has hit her at all. By replacing me with this new guy so quickly she hasn't had to face any of the post-BU feelings. Right after they got together I heard she was even taking him to some of our favourite places! If only he knew...

 

I've been feeling better this week though and I do wish her the best...even if this is just a phase or something. It's just a shame that it had to happen this way.

 

That was a terrible thing to do to you. I always hated hearing about exes' past relationships. And the verbal abuse he put you through is disgusting and it's a really * * * * ty way to make himself feel good. I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself I started going to the gym after my BU and it feels great.

[unknownfuture]

I went to our house this morning the sort some estate agent things out. She wasn't there but it was still hard. So many good memories come flooding back when I go anywhere near the place.

 

I'm only 3.5 months post BU so I don't expect anything less, it just puts a downer on the rest of the day. I guess I'm just ranting on my thread about it.

 

I need to take control of my own well being in the next few weeks, up to now I've had this stupid expectation that she will come back and everything will be ok. I've found it very hard accepting the BU. I know I want a future with her, she knows this. If she comes back, I need it to be because she wants to, not because I've convinced her.

 

If your ex says their confused and upset by it all. What should you do to help your healing but also not hurt the chance of getting back together?

[unknownfuture]

I've had the worst day in a while today. I've been upset all day, finally ending up crying so hard when I got home.

 

I've made a descision to quit work (we work together). This is what is causing my upset. I can't go on seeing her at work, it's killing me. This decision is causing me massive anxiety because it will mean the start of us never seeing each other again, we will only have our house tieing us together until it sells.

 

I don't have a new job, I'm hoping I can find one during my notice period, if I don't, I'll be down the soup kitchen or back at my parents but anything is better than this constant torture I'm putting myself through.

 

I know you shouldnt make decisions as big as this while grieving, but how do I stop grieving while we see each other at work?

 

Normal people (not us dumpees) say I shouldn't quit, can I get some sympathy from any fellow eNAers?

[loulou37]

I'm afraid i would have to do the same if i was in your situation, i was living abroad, my ex ex split with me, i moved back home to england as i couldn't bare to even see him, i went as far away as i possibly could!!

 

so i see where you're coming from

 

loulou x

[Grace696]

unknownfuture, I think quitting your job so you don't have to see her is the best possible decision you could make now. A few people on ENA try to get through breakups while still working with/seeing their ex, and it must be so much harder.

 

However, it is a little worrying that you don't have another job to go to. What is the job market like in your line of work? Are you likely to get another one soon? Part of what helps us get through a bad breakup is having a reason to get up in the morning. If you can't get another job, could you perhaps pick some hobby that you are going to focus on, something to take your mind off the breakup for a few hours a day and give you a sense of purpose. Something like: "I'm going to read the complete works of Shakespeare, and figure out what the hell he's talking about." Or: "I'm going to learn how to build a chicken coop." Or: "I'm going to start a blog reviewing x-box games." Wherever your interests lie.

 

But I do think it is for the best for your healing that you leave your current job. You will probably feel much worse at first, because you're going cold turkey now, and the pain of not having her in your life at all is probably going to be intense. Expect this and prepare for it. Just remind yourself that this is the best for your healing, it's going to enable you to get through this sooner, and that no matter how bad you feel, these feelings will pass and things will eventually get better. Be as kind to yourself as you can. (I've just realised I'm saying this to remind myself as well, so I hope it is relevant to you too!)

 

Best of luck.

[unknownfuture]

Thanks for the replies, really needed someone else to say it was the right choice.

 

I'm confident I will find a new job, and with that hopefully some new friends.

[unknownfuture]

4 months post BU tomorrow. I've put the wheels in motion for getting a new job so we don't have to see each other everyday.

 

People on my street have got Christmas trees up now. Ive decided not to have one this year, can't face decorating one alone.

 

Is anyone else "Skipping Christmas" or certain parts of it?

[deeplongbreath]

Is anyone else "Skipping Christmas" or certain parts of it?

 

I am, although wondering if it's really a good idea. I mean it's giving too much power to the ex. On the other hand, faking joy is so exhausting. Maybe we should look deep down in ourselves and find a good reason to celebrate Christmas? There must be one.

[unknownfuture]

I'll be with family on Christmas day, and will be celebrating. However I feel no joy in putting a tree up or watching films (things that we did together). Instead I'm tring to keep busy and get through the holidays.

 

I heard Christmas is the most depressing time to be alone. I'm going to try to be around friends and family as much as possible, without mentioning the ex.

[deeplongbreath]

I heard Christmas is the most depressing time to be alone.

 

It is, especially when it's your birthday and you're not too close to your family... and your kid is celebrating with their other parent! Worst Christmas ever for me this year!!!

[TessaB]

Reading the posts in this thread has resonated with me....very similar to my situation. He broke up with me after two years, I was shocked, did not see it coming. There was no fighting, one week it was good (many of the same 'lovey' quotes were said like you guys have written) the next week...he just didn't have those feelings. Didn't get much more than that. Crazy and frustrating. It has only been about a month and it certainly is a rollarcoaster. It's devastating. I am trying to do all good things for me...working on myself, but it is so difficult. The passed month has been a blur, and I'm not looking forward to the months coming up.

[Jim Wormold]

Well, I am struggling to get through this night. I was sobbing in my dream this

morning and woke up like that. Been the mood for the rest of my day.

 

It 3 months ago and I cannot believe its like yesterday now. And its all my fault

for not taking care - I built walls around my heart for stupid reasons that only

my therapist can now hopefully figure out.

 

I dont know if this is going to effect the rest of my life. I am growing as a person

but I have lost the love of my life in the process.

 

Dont want to go to bed. Will only wake up later on. Sorry for my silly post.

I guess I am just trying to find people out there who understand. I miss her and love

her so dearly. My god, what has this life come to.

[unknownfuture]

Jim - I understand how your feeling, I've just hit the 4 month mark, and I've been having a bad day today. I've been have dream lately too which are putting more thoughts of her in my head.

 

When I think back over the last 4 months, the BU feels like a long time ago, yet my feelings for her and the pain feel as strong as they did when we broke up.

 

Due to my situation with work and our house I can't see any change in the situation until the middle of next year, I think that is what I'm having a hard time dealing with recently.

 

Hows everyone today?

[unknownfuture]

Thought I'd update my thread rather than start a new one. I wanted to share a dream I had last night.

 

I came accross a woman on a hill, she was the opposite to my ex in terms of ethnicity and height. I approached her to see half her face had some sort of infection or had been wounded badly.

 

I carried her to a sort of back street surgeon who took a knife and cut around all the infected part of her face in one slice, at this I shouted NO!! I then took her to a room above a department store, in the room were two beds and a chair. In one bed was her sister, I placed her in the other bed and left.

 

I kept coming back to the room above the department stored to see her but each time something was different, more people were there visiting her and the room looked more and more like the department store. The woman was also up and about at the point.

 

The last time I went there I remember thinking (this isn't right, it's changed so much), then the woman walks in the room crying, she pushes her sister to one side, someone tries to hug her and she slaps them in the face. I go over and hold my arms out to hug her, she slaps me in face, I stand there unmoved with my arms still held out. She then breaks down crying and hugs me, we stand hugging for a while and then I wake up.

 

When I woke up my heart was racing and I had been sweating, I remembered the dream very vividly.

 

It's the first dream I can remember that my ex wasn't in at all. I remember feeling good about the dream but couldn't put my finger on why, it wasn't a nightmare but it was definitely a strong dream.

 

Anyone out there a dream expert and want to weight in?