feeling like square one again

[unknownfuture]

I've been doing well recently, still thinking about it every day still but not crying every day.

 

Then this past week I've slipped back to square one. I'm crying all the time, I feel this incredible urge to contact her to see if her feelings have changed, feel like i don't understand the break up and why we aren't together.

 

It's been 3 months this weekend since the BU. We work together and have a house together so we are in contact at least 4 days a week. Recently we've been in contact in the evenings as well as we've been sorting some house arrangements out.

 

I think I'm missing the contact we've been having in the evenings and that has set me back.

 

How many of you have set backs like this?

 

5 year RL, 3 years living together, 3 months post BU.

[Airbag]

I'm 3 months post BU too, and up until recently it never bothered me. I thought it would be rather easy and even had a lot of hope that one day we would be together again. As days progressed, my hopes started to fade. I hate this. We've been together for over 3.5 years, and it really bothers me that she didn't contact me at all. Like I don't even exist anymore.

[unknownfuture]

Is the no contact not helping you move on?

 

My problem is my hope keeps getting topped up every time I see her. I feel like I won't progress until all ties have been cut and I don't see her anymore.

[Talus]

How can you quit smoking when someone keeps shoving cigarettes in your mouth?

 

 

Healing after a bad break up is hard enough and depending on different variables can take upwards of years to fully move on. You need to get out of this situation for yourself. Move, get a new job, make a fresh start. It sucks but clearly this woman meant a butt load to you. You need to take control of the situation and get yourself out. NC is hard, it doesn't even feel right at first, but it makes this whoooole process so much easier once it's initiated and stuck with.

[unknownfuture]

I don't initiate contact other than saying hello and talking about the house. We haven't talked about the relationship for 5 weeks now. She emailed me last week saying "you don't talk to me anymore".

 

I replied saying it was my way of dealing with things.

 

I really want to know if she feels the same way about the BU but I can't take any more rejection or I think I will push her further away if I ask. I'm trying to stay with not initiating any contact other than is house sale related talk.

[Haa]

unknownfuture - I know how you're feeling. It's 2.5 months for me, I had been doing OK but these last few days I've regressed. Right now I'm sobbing like it happened yesterday. It's pathetic.

 

I guess what's set me back is he initiated contact most days for over a month. Contact was positive, we agreed to meet up next month, and then nothing. Just silence for 11 days.

 

I don't know what is worse, contact or no contact.

[unknownfuture]

It's 3 months today since the BU. Sundays are hard for me. Feeling alone and with not much todo I decided to go for a drive to get out of the house. On my way back I've just see her mum and dad passing in their car!! I've not seen or spoke to them since just before the break up.

 

Fee worse than I did this morning now.

[Day88]

Is this the time where it really starts to sink in? As it's been 2 and a bit months for me post BU and I feel like I'm back at day 1.

 

I'm meant to be going out with someone new this week just for a date but I don't think I can. The more if feel I'm moving on the more I feel I'm getting dragged back. It's crazy.

[unknownfuture]

I'm thinking about sending her an email. Nothing needy or asking why we aren't together. Just an email saying I understand the BU, what I've learnt and that I still care.

 

The purpose of the email is to let her know that even though we don't talk about the relationship anymore, I still care.

 

We work together so we see each other and have small talk but no relationship talk for over 5 weeks.

 

Good idea?

[Day88]

I'd say no. Only because I text my ex after a few weeks and felt worse than before. I think it deylays your progress. But at the end of the day we are all different.

[unknownfuture]

I've not sent it. Think I'm going to wait a few days.

[Eocsor]

I won't touch on any of your other issues. I'll simply state that three months is no time at all in getting over a significant relationship. It's a drop in the bucket and most often it takes significant amounts of time to heal. In my experience and those of my friends about 18 - 24 months or there abouts.

[unknownfuture]

I sent the email last Wednesday. It was short and to the point. I sent it because I wanted her to know I still cared. She emailed back and we had about 4 emails back and forth which were nice. We talked about the BU and what caused it. I went to sleep feeling better.

 

I've felt better since that talk, I'm maybe 10% further towards acceptance. 3.1 months out and it now comes in waves, from complete depression to "it will be alright, I'll be happy again".

 

Tonight I feel anxious about the future. I know due to our situation that my healing won't fully start until our house is sold and I have the balls to find a new job (we work together).

[lemsip]

In my experience and those of my friends about 18 - 24 months or there abouts.

 

This quote in itself should comfort you, unknownfuture. I've been having a rough few days myself, and I'm 4.5 months post BU. Like you, it feels like sometimes I'm back at square one. But we're not. Because I for one was a f*cking mess 4.5 months ago and now I'm eating, going to the gym and being proactive.

I still think about her every day, most of the day. But I guess 4.5 months is nothing out of 18-24 months. I take comfort in the fact it's normal how I'm feeling.

 

Our house isn't gonna sell. We're gonna have to rent it out which sucks.

[elastic]

Nearly 8 weeks post BU for me. This past week has been one of the worst yet after I had a pretty good October. I think it's because I heard how "in love" her and her new bf are. How can someone move on so quickly after nearly 4 years? The whole situation just makes so little sense to me...we were so in love in August. I think about her 90% of the day and feel like I'm losing my mind. I thought I was stronger than this. My sleep was just getting back to normal but now I toss and turn all night. I'm so f&cking sick of the pain.

 

I have absolutely no urge to break NC but if only she could feel how I am feeling. She's probably so happy right now...

[lemsip]

Nearly 8 weeks post BU for me. This past week has been one of the worst yet after I had a pretty good October. I think it's because I heard how "in love" her and her new bf are. How can someone move on so quickly after nearly 4 years? The whole situation just makes so little sense to me...we were so in love in August. I think about her 90% of the day and feel like I'm losing my mind. I thought I was stronger than this. My sleep was just getting back to normal but now I toss and turn all night. I'm so f&cking sick of the pain.

 

I have absolutely no urge to break NC but if only she could feel how I am feeling. She's probably so happy right now...

 

Yeah, even though deep down I know my BU was kinda for the best, I feel the same way man.

[unknownfuture]

elastic - I don't know why you broke up but after 4 years I'm sure she has her bad days. Try to focus on your needs, I know it's easier said than done. I can only concentrate in short periods now but it's a lot longer than what I could do 3 months ago.

 

Lem - the house is a pain, stand to lose money on it. I can't face renting it.

[Jon Lane]

@ elastic - how did you came accross that info? was it 'planted' to make you jealous?

4 years is a long time. maybe the guy is just a rebound. in that case, there may be hope for you yet.

[lemsip]

Lem - the house is a pain, stand to lose money on it. I can't face renting it.

 

Yeah we bought ours for 140 and had it on at 120 with still no interest. Tough housing market at the minute, we've no option but to rent as we're paying mortgage on it at the minute and no one is even living in it.

[penfield]

Don't forget that the change in seasons will most always bring out fresh memories too. That is why I believe it takes a good while to fully recover. Holidays are still rough on me from an ex 2 years ago despite dating since. She was a great girlfriend and some of our best times were of getting all caught up in the holiday spirit - parties, traveling, decorating the house. It's one of those things I have yet to replace with anyone else.

[elastic]

elastic - I don't know why you broke up but after 4 years I'm sure she has her bad days. Try to focus on your needs, I know it's easier said than done. I can only concentrate in short periods now but it's a lot longer than what I could do 3 months ago.

 

After being away for a few weeks she told me she needed to focus on herself and be single. But as it turns out she met someone at camp and started getting those "new relationship" butterflies again. I was out and he was in..in just a matter of days. Completely replaced. She may have her bad days but at least she has someone to run to. I'm thinking of seeing a counselor. I can't keep throwing this stuff at family and friends. They have been amazing during my recovery but it's not fair to them.

 

@ elastic - how did you came accross that info? was it 'planted' to make you jealous?

4 years is a long time. maybe the guy is just a rebound. in that case, there may be hope for you yet.

 

I made a stupid decision to check her new bf's blog last week. He had posted that. I know it's all my fault for checking and I have put the proper safeguards in place to prevent myself from looking again.

 

Sure, this guy could be a rebound. It definitely seems that way based on her actions, the timing, and the pace of the new relationship. However, the last thing I need right now is hope that she will come back one day.

[thelastsong]

My ex told me the same thing about wanting to be single and find happiness from inside of himself instead of from other people. Turned out to be total BS.

 

I went to see a therapist (I felt guilty for making my friends and family worry about me too), and even just one session helped me see things from a different perspective. It helped me realize that part of the reason I haven't moved on yet is because I wasn't ready to let go and that I wasn't angry at him yet because I was angry at myself even though I thought I wasn't blaming myself. (Turns out that although I don't blame myself for the break up, I do blame myself for ever trusting him in the first place.)

 

As far as checking her new boyfriend's blog, I did the same thing. I probably stalked my ex's fiancee's blog and Facebook more than I stalked him. But I've learned my lesson. Sometimes you have to get burned from touching the hot stove before you can really get rid of the desire to keep looking. You can know in your mind that it's going to hurt, but your brain has to rewire itself to instinctively want to avoid that pain.

 

And I agree that holding onto hope just prolongs the process. I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through.

[elastic]

It's good to hear that the therapist helped. I have an appointment today with my MD to get a referral. I think my problem is that I keep analyzing everything over and over in my head...looking for clues or signs that I have missed. It just doesn't make sense that the girl who I knew for years, who still told me how much she loved me in August and couldn't wait to live with me would just drop me out of nowhere a few weeks later for a teenager. I never could have imagined that she was capable of doing what she did...with seemingly little remorse.

 

I think another thing that sent me back to square one was getting a call this week from my uncle (who lives accross the country). We are very close and he was getting quite upset about the whole situation on the phone. After our conversation, I was reminded of a dinner we had with my whole family (including my ex) when my uncle was visiting in June. He's very sentimental and softhearted. At one point he sat us down and told us that he could see how special our bond was and that we really were meant for each other. I don't put much credence into that "meant to be" kind of stuff but my ex does/did. She was glowing! And I recall her telling her mom and sister all about it. Memories like that make so much tougher to move on.

 

My ex even said during our BU that if we are meant to be then this whole situation will just be a hiccup in our lives together. I don't know if she actually believed that or was only trying to soften the blow

 

UGGGH, after typing all of that I now realized it's that kind of sh*t that I need to forget. I'm remembering her for who she was, not who she is now.

[thelastsong]

Yeah, if it makes you feel any better, my ex and I had a lot of people tell us we were meant to be together or had a special connection or something like that, including his supposedly psychic grandmother who said I was going to be a part of their family. But thinking of all of these things just makes it worse. I used to do the same thing: I'd obsess over absolutely everything, replaying every memory in my head. But I finally got to this point where I just didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to torture myself. I want to move on and leave all of that in the past.

 

My ex did the same kind of thing. "I love you so much. I'm so lucky!" to "You make me unhappy, and I don't have feelings for you anymore." in two days. Who knows what's going on in their heads? It all made a lot more sense when I found out he was back with his ex so soon after the break up, and even my therapist said she thinks he left me for her.

 

Anyways, I also just got the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I haven't really started it yet, but a lot of people on here recommend it. It's like the grief cycle for relationships.

 

I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but time does make it better. (I always hate when people say that because I want a quick fix.) Just keep going with NC, and it'll slowly get better.

[elastic]

Thanks lastsong. It's really good to know that someone else has been in this same situation and found the positives. I need to get to that point because I am constantly torturing myself. Staying busy last month really helped to keep my mind occupied. This month I haven't had much motivation to get out and thus have been moping around the house feeling awful.

 

It's strange how someone can have such a drastic change of heart. How old was your ex if you dont mind me asking? I really think my ex is going through a quarter-life crisis of some sort.

 

I'm going to look into that book as well.

 

Take care