Please, help me... I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so lost.

[SadPumpkin]

I am not in a great place right now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not the type of person to do anything rash... But I no longer know what to feel ever since he cheated... I just feel sick to my stomach. No kid should feel this way or have to deal with this. Please, I need some help...

 

 

 

My Dad was the greatest person in my life. He was the kind of person I wanted to grow up to be. The ultimate role model: kind, caring, respectful, smart. I'm only 17 and he and my Mum and brother are my everything.

 

The past months (around Jan and Feb), things were not going so well. I knew my Mum and Dad were having problems (my bedroom is right next to theirs) but it wasn't anything major. All of a sudden, everything cleared up. No more arguing. No more fights. They were doing things together again like going to the beach. We were a happy family again.Then they decided to drop a bombshell on my brother and myself:

 

My Dad cheated.

 

Apparently it went on for only a few weeks with some young girl from his work. She's 22 and gorgeous. 5 YEARS OLDER THAN ME! YUCK! They slept together and texted back and forth. Then my Mum found out and apparently ever since then my Dad has been the perfect husband. He showed so much remorse that my Mum was willing to work on their relationship. He now tries to spend every moment with her. Even when he's at work he calls her nearly every 2nd hour. He also put a tracking app on his phone. He's trying to make up for things, I can see it. But why do I still feel so upset?

 

I've cried most night ever since I found out 2 months ago. My Dad cries about what he did to our family because we were all so close. I know my Mum has always had a VERY VERY suspicious nature, she was always sus before this and I KNOW he hadn't done anything like this before (she said this was the first time he'd done this). But he said he felt so alone and that she didn't love him, then goes on to say that it was no excuse for him to behave the way he did.

 

I'm always crying. I feel so betrayed by him. So much upset and pain it physically hurts. I try to stay strong for my younger brother but when I'm alone I'm a mess. At times I am happy being a family, then a sudden wave rushes over me and I rememebr what he did and all I want to do is punch him and make him hurt the way he made us all hurt. My Dad says I have every right to hit him. I know I don't.

 

Then there's my Mum. Most of the time I hug and comfort her. I'm trying to support her because she doesn't have anyone she can lean on. But then I feel angry with her that she pushed him away the way she did. Throughout my childhood, she rarely showed affection towards him when he was always loving towards her. She hardly ever got him gifts or wrote him thoughtful notes the way he wrote for her. She would always question his whereabouts. I think they loved each other. But weren't IN love with each other (if you get what I mean).

 

Either way these emotions, these changing horrible emotions are now affecting my life. I find it hard to concentrate and I'm kind of jumpy, very restless. I go through emotion after emotion and I can't take it anymore. I'm on a rollercoaster and I feel there is no one I can talk to or vent to.

 

 

 

Can someone please help me? I feel so alone...

 

Are these feelings normal? Am I being unreasonable dealing with this situation this way?

 

Can anyone tell me what their emotional experiences were when they found out when one of their parents cheated?

 

I just need someone.

[luminousone]

Your feelings are very normal - everyone in your household seems to be in shock! You probably feel that way because your father does not seem to be the man you thought he was.

 

Something for you to remember: Yes you have a right to be angry with him. Something like that does effect the whole family! And please do NOT blame your father's infidelity on your mother. Your father took a marriage vow and he broke it. Whether your mom showed him affection is not the point.

 

It seems as though your parents are working their way through all of this. Sometimes a couple is able to do that and they may even end up with a stronger relationship.

 

Your parents' relationship is their own - so you should remember that they need the space to work things through on their own.

 

If you want to express your anger/uncertainty/sadness/etc. then you should get to a counselor to talk it through in a healthy way. Many times there are counselors through your school...

 

My parents never cheated, so I cannot say how that feels to find that out. However, I can tell you how it feels to have your spouse cheat on you - total sadness and grief. I must have cried every night for 2 years... In time I accepted "what is" and moved forward into healing. And in time you will heal too.

 

Through all of this I think you can take time to reflect on how your dad loves you and your brother.

 

You will get through this!

[SpottiOtti]

SadPumpkin,

 

The one thing I noticed again and again in your thread is you trying to be supportive of everyone else, to be the shoulder for your Mom to lean on, to forgive your Dad, to be strong for your little brother. It reminds me of what I went through when I was 15, found out my Ma cheated and my Dad beat her up. It was a terrible time; they both told me things like I was an adult and not their child. I was like their psychiatrist or something. Here's what I learned from the experience:

 

You have to let yourself grieve and be angry over this, darlin. Don't put everyone else's grieving ahead of your own. You have just as much of a right to be angry, sad, bitter, whatever, as anyone else in that household does. It is not your duty to be anyone's shoulder, or to assign blame. You'll make yourself crazy trying to figure out who deserves what. You know what? Sometimes people do crazy things, for reasons that only make sense to them. There may be a reason your mom was "cold" all those years. There may be a reason your dad wants to work it out with her. There is pain, and there is also hope. It may take you a long time before you feel the hope.

 

You take care of yourself. Write here a lot if it helps. Talk to anyone who'll listen.

 

Hugs

Spotti

 

Take care.

[giubilante]

My heart goes out to you. It must be absolutely awful to watch your family fall apart around you. I know what it feels like to watch that happen, and to desperately try to keep things moving and hold things together, though in my situation it wasn't because of anyone's fidelity.

 

My advice is to find someone to talk to, preferably a counselor (through your school), or a close adult friend. Once you've managed to process some of your anger, it would also be good to talk with your parents. Both of them, just to express yourself. If you don't do this, you will likely internalize all of that anger and sadness and it will create barriers in your relationships both with your parents and with others. I am advising you to talk with BOTH of your parents because it seems like, though you definitely blame your dad for this, you don't hold your mum blameless. You seem angry at her for letting something like this happen, for not being more openly affectionate. You must remember that, whatever her faults, your dad is entirely responsible for his own actions. He chose to cheat.

 

I am glad that he has admitted his faults and that he recognizes that you have every right to be hurt. And you DO have every right to be hurt. Your dad didn't just betray your mother, he betrayed your entire family. He turned his back on all of you. And that hurts. Recognize the hurt, own the hurt, be open about it, and then learn to move on. You can heal, and I hope your family does too.