Madison_91 Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend for a year and almost 2 months. I love him greatly, he's the first guy i've let touch me since i was raped but as of late we've had some problems. He's started talking living together and marrige in the future, which has made me try and picture that life. Before me, my boyfriend had a drinking problem and while it has gotten better i've grown increasingly annoyed when he turns into a drunk idiot and in fear of him returning to his previous problems i've told him i wont tolerate drinking anymore. he also has loser friends who are a terrible influence and i've asked he stopped hanging with them and to def. stop bringing me around then. I've also been pushing him to find a better job and move out of his small home town. He has said many many times that he really wants to make these changes for himself and he even decided to quit smoking but has started again which is a problem because i refuse to live with a smoker. He keeps falling back into bad old habits but we love eachother so much. the relationship is getting so hard. what do we do? I feel like i'm completely asking him to change Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 You are completely asking him to change. Odds are, he won't. Try being with someone you're actually happy with rather than some vague notion of what your boyfriend could be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 I was in a similar situation once. I was like your boyfriend, but I decided to cut ties with my loser friends myself without someone asking me to do it. Ironically, I've since been accused of being judgemental because I don't want to be friends with people who frequently binge drink and use drugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betweenthebars Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 You're asking him to: 1. Move out of his home town 2. Stop drinking, even socially 3. Stop smoking 4. Change jobs 5. Ditch all his friends You're asking someone to change every aspect of their life. I agree with Camus, find someone who has the qualities you want, and let your boyfriend find someone happy with who he is at this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madison_91 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 I just don't want him to drink because he had a bad problem( i'm talking black out drunk, missing important events and dwi's) .the people he hung with are partially responsible for that, i think i'm being very reasonable with asking him that. And I don't want to smell smoke every time he touches me and i don't want to taste it when i kiss him, i don't want his teeth any yellower and i don't want mysel or our future kids breathing in the smoke... he can give this up for me right? and a new job was his choice i've just been pushing him to look harder. we live in a small town so he understands that a new job will most likely be out of town abd he's ok with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 If you have to wish to remake someone over completely for you to get along with them they are the wrong person for you. The best relationships are with people who meet most of your criteria from the beginning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukeb Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 You may believe you are being reasonable, but really you are not. If you don't want to be with someone who smokes, drinks socially, if you don't like his friends, if these are all irreconcilable differences then why are you with him in the first place? He may or may not quit smoking, but it isn't a moral issue. Take the good with the bad or don't take him at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lithp Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 You are asking way too much from this guy. You have asked that he stop drinking, smoking, hanging out with his friends, find a better job and move... come on, now. I understand that you may feel you are asking these things of him to help him become a better person, but really you are trying to turn him into the picture perfect vision of a man that you wish he was. Rather than try to change him, you would do well to practice a little acceptance. He is his own person, and if he wants to make those changes for himself, he will. However, if he wants to drink and smoke and have friends that he enjoys the company of, who are you to tell him he can't have that? At the end of the day it is not your place to demand these things of him. It may seem fine and he might go along with it for now, but I would bet that eventually the resentment will start to build and he will realise he is no longer himself. If you don't like to be in a relationship with someone who smokes, drinks, has 'loser' friends and a bad job, then don't be in a relationship with someone like that. He deserves someone who accepts him for who he is, and you deserve to have someone who makes you happy and meets your requirements. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I just don't want him to drink because he had a bad problem( i'm talking black out drunk, missing important events and dwi's) .the people he hung with are partially responsible for that, i think i'm being very reasonable with asking him that. Maybe, but it's also reasonable to accept that this was his past and to trust that he can control himself better now. That is, unless he's given you personally a reason to question that. And I don't want to smell smoke every time he touches me and i don't want to taste it when i kiss him, i don't want his teeth any yellower and i don't want mysel or our future kids breathing in the smoke... he can give this up for me right? My, what a list you have there. You don't want, you don't want, you don't want. Get it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madison_91 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 i'm with him in the first place because when we first got together we were still young and crazy and i cold handle those things, but now we love eachther and its all about "us" and his talk about getting married maks me think there is a lot that needs to chAnge if that is going to happen And he's givin me reason to prove he still can't control his drinking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madison_91 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 However, if he wants to drink and smoke and have friends that he enjoys the company of, who are you to tell him he can't have that? He doesn't even like his friends, he says the only way they are enjoyable is when he's completely trashed.... and its not that his job is bad, he makes plenty of money, he just hates it, he works till 3am and its rough on his body. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lithp Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 i'm with him in the first place because when we first got together we were still young and crazy and i cold handle those things, but now we love eachther and its all about "us" and his talk about getting married maks me think there is a lot that needs to chAnge if that is going to happen And he's givin me reason to prove he still can't control his drinking You need to find someone else better suited to your needs. If this guy has issues with drinking, that is a big one that won't magically go away just because you ask it to. It takes work and it all has to come from him - if he is not committed to making that change alone, it's not going to get any better. This one I can understand but again, ultimately it is no say of yours. You can let him know you don't like it, but at the end of the day if he wants to drink, who are you to stop him? As with the rest of your list, if you don't like it then you can find someone who does none of those things and treats you just as well. You both will be much happier, and not to mention healthier, rather than you trying to change every aspect of your boyfriend's life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madison_91 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 I hate all of your answer... I love him and leaving would be impossible, the conversation between us is great, the sex is fantastic and when we're hanging out we have an amazing time together... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Love does not hold everything together. Common goals and values and beliefs and common ways to work things out hold things together when love is included. Loving someone does not mean you are meant to be together or that you can even get along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I hate all of your answer... I love him and leaving would be impossible, the conversation between us is great, the sex is fantastic and when we're hanging out we have an amazing time together... Then what's your problem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lithp Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I hate all of your answer... I love him and leaving would be impossible, the conversation between us is great, the sex is fantastic and when we're hanging out we have an amazing time together... Then you need to try to accept these things you are trying to change. You mentioned that at one point you were able to handle these things but now that you are talking about a future they are not acceptable. So, you got together knowing full well who he was and you were ok with it but now he has a laundry list of things he needs to ditch if he wants a future with you. You can not make anyone change. Period end of sentence. If he doesn't like his friends, he will get new ones when he is ready. If he has a drinking problem, he needs to recognize and acknowledge it, then put the effort into getting help...when he is ready. He will quit smoking if he wants to, and if he really wants a new job, he will get one. You have no control over these things, nor should you. If you refuse to leave the relationship, then ease up on the guy. He will either get sick of listening to you tell him what he needs to change or you will get sick of being with someone who can't provide what you want in a relationship and you will find someone else. You may love each other, but people also grow out of each other. Maybe at one point you were ok with him the way he is and now you have different expectations - that is fine, but you can't demand that he fit who you want him to be. If you love him, accept him as he is. Don't stay with him just to make him feel miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 It sounds like you want someone to tell you that you are not asking too much of him, and that you are totally in the right about this. No one is going to tell you that. He will NOT change for you. If he is ever going to change these things about himself, he will have to do it because HE wants to. You have a decision to make: Either the good outweighs the bad, or it doesn't. If it doesn't, then you still can't mold your boyfriend into your ideal partner; you'll have to go out there and keep looking for someone who is ALREADY that person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheVP Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Don't you get it? She loves him for who he is. It's just that she wants to spend the rest of his life changing him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 You're asking him to: 1. Move out of his home town 2. Stop drinking, even socially 3. Stop smoking 4. Change jobs 5. Ditch all his friends You're asking someone to change every aspect of their life. I agree with Camus, find someone who has the qualities you want, and let your boyfriend find someone happy with who he is at this time. Yeah, asking someone to change maybe one or two of the above is one thing, but thats a lot. I mean, granted most of the things shes asking him to change, he probably should change... but not because shes asking it of him, just because its things he probably SHOULD do. But he will grow to resent her if made to change all those things for her. You guys might be perfect for each other... just not now. And until he 'grows up' you arent really compatible together how he is now. You have an idea what you want in a boyfriend/ husband and a drinking, smoking, loser friends having, bum isnt your ideal husband. That doesnt make you, or him right or wrong, etc. it just makes you too different to be getting married. Sounds like youd be better off friends, not married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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