How best to handle bf/gf's concerns or criticisms of you?

[Celadon]

I'd love to get people's thoughts on this because I think it would be helpful not just to me but hopefully to others, too.

 

I've been dating my bf for a year and he's only expressed good things towards me so far. But recently, he finally admitted something about me that bothers him. I'd rather not go into the details, but it's one of those things where – he's picking up on a trait of mine that he'd like to be different (though he tried not to say he wanted me to change), and that I could do something about.

 

Fine. My first reaction was reasonable – I wanted to know what he was talking about, what he meant, etc. I was trying to help him express himself so that I could understand him. And we talked about it.

 

Afterwards, though, I started feeling defensive and angry. He didn't really explain why what I do bothers him, and he didn't say why he suddenly brought it up.

 

Obviously, part of me is afraid that this is something that is so important to him that he will want to break up over it. So my self-confidence is shaken. (At the same time, if it's important to him, then I want him to be happy, so … so be it.)

 

So what to do? Part of me wants to talk about it more with him to understand it better. Is this a deal-breaker? And part of me is irritated and thinks he's not telling me the whole deal about why he's bringing it up, so I want to talk with him for that reason.

 

But another part of me doesn't want to talk about it more because I don't want to drag our relationship down. I am prone to overanalyzing things, so I could easily keep talking about this, but where do you draw the line? We initially talked about it for about one and a half hours.

 

It's hard to think clearly in these situations because of the emotions. But this is exactly the type of situation that I've been in in past relationships and I haven't handled well. I would get insecure, clingy, mad to the point of being a little out of control. I don't want to react that way this time.

 

The other thing is, if this is important enough to him that it's a deal breaker, I want to be "prepared" in the sense that I want to feel good about myself no matter what. I know that's a tall order, but it seems better to make sure I'm feeling confident throughout the relationship. How do I make sure I hold on to my self-confidence?

 

Anyone have thoughts on this?

[shikashika]

Well, it kind of does matter what it is...

 

It also depends in the way in which it was done.

 

if you are someone who interrupts all the time or doesn't clean yourself... then yes, those are things that do warrant someone criticizing. If it's something like "You're too short" or "your breasts are too small" then those are things you can't really do anything about.

 

You said it is a trait.... do you think he's right?

 

It's hard to give advice when we don't really know what you are talking about. This is an anonymous forum (for the most part!) and people want to help, but if we have no background on what it is, it's hard to give advice!

[Captain Obvious]

Your boyfriend is going to get bothered by some things you do no matter what and you may get bothered by some things he does, people are different. He said what he thought and you talked about it which is good but why didnt he want to explain why it bothers him or other details? Well getting defensive and angry doesnt help, showing signs that you are maybe going to lose control doesnt help, noone wants to be on the end of that, that is never the way to deal with it. Instead, ensure that he can explain to you freely without you blowing up at him. You talk about it till the problem is solved, whether that means you agree to try and change this trait, that he agrees to accept the trait or to move on because the trait is a deal breaker.

 

You just have to realise that your core values are what makes you, you are who you are and if he cant accept that then you two were never right for eachother. It obviously depends what he brought up.

[camus154]

I am prone to overanalyzing things, so I could easily keep talking about this, but where do you draw the line? We initially talked about it for about one and a half hours.

 

Was over-talking things the trait he brought up?

[Celadon]

Well, it kind of does matter what it is...

 

It also depends in the way in which it was done. ...

 

You said it is a trait.... do you think he's right?

 

It's hard to give advice when we don't really know what you are talking about. This is an anonymous forum (for the most part!) and people want to help, but if we have no background on what it is, it's hard to give advice!

It's a personality trait -- changeable to some degree, although he tried hard not to say that he wants me to change. (I think he doesn't believe in asking a person to change, but I actually disagree to some extent. Like, if someone always blows up instead of listens, that's something you can ask him to be aware of and try to modify).

 

I know it's hard to give advice without specifics. My hope with this thread was to talk about the best attitude or reaction to have in these types of situations, when your bf or gf criticizes or has concerns about you.

 

Your boyfriend is going to get bothered by some things you do no matter what and you may get bothered by some things he does, people are different. He said what he thought and you talked about it which is good but why didnt he want to explain why it bothers him or other details? Well getting defensive and angry doesnt help, showing signs that you are maybe going to lose control doesnt help, noone wants to be on the end of that, that is never the way to deal with it. Instead, ensure that he can explain to you freely without you blowing up at him. You talk about it till the problem is solved, whether that means you agree to try and change this trait, that he agrees to accept the trait or to move on because the trait is a deal breaker.

 

You just have to realise that your core values are what makes you, you are who you are and if he cant accept that then you two were never right for eachother. It obviously depends what he brought up.

Thanks, Captain Obvious. You cut through to the heart of things! I think we haven't resolve the problem so that's why I'm feeling like I'm not sure what to do. I will try to talk with him about whether this is a deal-breaker, why it's important to him, and whether he can accept it or whether I can change (or both).

 

Was over-talking things the trait he brought up?

Har har har, camus. No.

[Glowguy]

It's a fine line to tread when your partner opens up and tells you something they don't like about your behavior. The natural reaction is to be defensive and attack them back but that only drags the relationship further down. It does take courage and honesty to be open about those kind of things and it can backfire very easily. If they are held inside then resentment will only build up on his end. But if they are not expressed delicately then resentment builds up on the other side.

 

I think the key is to make them feel that you are truly listening to them and that you will do your best to work on things. Then follow it up with some action. Try not to punish him for confiding in you either. I know it's difficult and I've failed to handle it well on more than one occasion.

[shikashika]

Well, personality traits are who we are... but sometimes we need to work on them!

 

Do you think your boyfriend is right? People have told me that I can be outspoken and come accross as critical, when I don't mean it.... but since people tell me this, I know it's true (even though it's part of my personality!)

 

I think it's great to be comfortable with yourself and who you are... but sometimes other people are right about us as well and we need to take that into consideration even if we don't want to and find it hard to change.

 

I actually find it surprising that it's taken a year for him to say something negative.... that's pretty good!!! I'm sure he has personality traits that you aren't too fond of either? Even if you love someone very much, there are still going to be things they do that you find irritating!

 

Was it a criticism or more a comment? you said a criticism or concern... I think it's a good thing if your partner is concerned about you. If they don't care they probably wouldn't say anything! It also depends on how they do it. There are mature ways of bringing up a concern or criticism, and then you can tell what kind of person they are. Was he kind about it? Was it out of frustration?

[Celadon]

It's a fine line to tread when your partner opens up and tells you something they don't like about your behavior. The natural reaction is to be defensive and attack them back but that only drags the relationship further down. It does take courage and honesty to be open about those kind of things and it can backfire very easily. If they are held inside then resentment will only build up on his end. But if they are not expressed delicately then resentment builds up on the other side.

 

I think the key is to make them feel that you are truly listening to them and that you will do your best to work on things. Then follow it up with some action. Try not to punish him for confiding in you either. I know it's difficult and I've failed to handle it well on more than one occasion.

Hey, thanks everyone for helping me think this through.

 

Glowguy, well said (and observed)! The delicate balance is so right ... I shouldn't underestimate the value of my partner having spoken up in the first place. Partners who don't say what they think or feel about our relationship drive me nuts -- exactly for the reason you stated. I get concerned that resentment is building up on his side, and when he finally says something, it will be too late to do anything about it.

 

I think the greatest fear that I have is that a criticism of personality is really a "I wish you were more like *this* because I would find that more attractive." And that shakes my confidence. So, while I want to be strong enough to allow him to say what he needs to say (in a sensitive way), I don't quite know how to handle my own emotions -- that "ouch, does he really think that about me? What if he really wants to be with someone else?"

 

I still think we need to say a bit more to each other, but I appreciate your advice to do so in a way that he doesn't feel punished for having raised his concerns in the first place.

 

Do you think your boyfriend is right? People have told me that I can be outspoken and come accross as critical, when I don't mean it.... but since people tell me this, I know it's true (even though it's part of my personality!) ...

 

I actually find it surprising that it's taken a year for him to say something negative.... that's pretty good!!! I'm sure he has personality traits that you aren't too fond of either? Even if you love someone very much, there are still going to be things they do that you find irritating!

 

Was it a criticism or more a comment? you said a criticism or concern... I think it's a good thing if your partner is concerned about you. If they don't care they probably wouldn't say anything! It also depends on how they do it. There are mature ways of bringing up a concern or criticism, and then you can tell what kind of person they are. Was he kind about it? Was it out of frustration?

Hi shikashika. Good questions. I think my boyfriend IS right, in a way. Well, the frustrating thing was that he wasn't able to tell me specifically what he means, but I got enough of the gist to think I know what he's talking about. (Or maybe he didn't want to give me an example for fear it would make me mad.) Anyway, it's one of those things where I wouldn't mind improving in that area -- but I want to do it feeling supported by him, not in a spirit of "Oh, I have to change or my bf won't like me!"

 

Yes, there are traits of his that I am not fond of, and I've brought a few of them up to him so he could let me know if my perception of him is right. After I brought them up, they weren't such big issues.

 

What he said was a criticism rather than a "hey, I think you'd be better off in life if you ..." And he was frustrated. But he was not trashing me, by any means. Mostly at this point, I just want to know more of how significant this concern is, and what he wants to have happen, if anything.

[camus154]

You say you wouldn't mind improving in the area he mentioned anyway, so.....I guess I don't understand what the dilemma is. Why not start working in that area to whatever capacity you personally feel comfortable with and take it from there? Why worry so much about whether this is a bigger deal to him than he's let on, and actually just trust him to tell you if that were the case? Everything you've said indicates this isn't a huge deal to him, so why are you letting it become one for you?

[Celadon]

You say you wouldn't mind improving in the area he mentioned anyway, so.....I guess I don't understand what the dilemma is. Why not start working in that area to whatever capacity you personally feel comfortable with and take it from there? Why worry so much about whether this is a bigger deal to him than he's let on, and actually just trust him to tell you if that were the case? Everything you've said indicates this isn't a huge deal to him, so why are you letting it become one for you?

I don't know why it feels like a big deal, camus, but I'm glad you asked so I can figure it out. I guess I question whether he would be forthcoming about how big a deal it is to him -- that's why. He's not Mr. Transparent. It took him this long to speak up about this trait, which he said he's observed many, many times.

 

So I feel ... threatened, at some level. I feel threatened by the possibility he's not going to be aware enough or courageous enough to say, "Katie, this is a big deal for me and I need it from you." For the sake of "not hurting Katie's feelings" he's going to say nothing, grow disenchanted and then it'll be too late for us. Honestly, that's my thought process.

 

I hear what you're saying about working on improvement as much as I feel comfortable. Makes a lot of sense. But even though I said I'm willing, I feel a little resentful that he doesn't appreciate the positive attributes of this trait (since traits have their positive and negatives...). When he and I talked, he didn't say, "Katie, I love how you do such and such, but I wonder if you'd ever considered approaching it differently?" I wish he had done the "sandwich" approach to criticism -- the one positive, one negative, one positive method. So ... I'm feeling unappreciated...

[camus154]

Personally I'd just thank him for being candid with you, tell him that honestly you were worried about him not opening up out of fear for your feelings, and sure, you're groovy with working on it. And then just let it go. He'll get positive reinforcement by the actual thanks, any change you decide to make, and most importantly by the light-hearted manner in which you handled it. Win/win.

 

The stuff about feeling resentful....I'd just chalk that up to a bruised ego. Hey, no one likes criticism. No, it's not reasonable to expect him to "appreciate the positive attributes" of the very thing he's criticizing--otherwise it wouldn't be a criticism

[mhowe]

It seems you are more upset by the way he presented this issue, then the issue itself or working on it. I don't know if that is a defense mechanism, or that you truly feel that this trait or behavior modification would not be in your best interest in any case.

 

He seems to have tread as lightly as possible, so w/out knowing the specifics, it is hard for us to say. Not asking you to share the specific, but think that it may just have been an ego blow to find out he had some criticism of you.

[Stay_home]

There's only but so much help that can be extended toward your situation without exactly knowing what the problem is that he has with your personality trait. That can mean several different things. But personality is who we are, that is unless there's been something very recently that has happened that isn't quite like you. But I think it's ridicilous to ask someone to stop being who they are. Either you learn to accept them or you should not be bothered.

[Celadon]

An ego blow – yes. For whatever reason, it felt to me like the kind of rejection where you don't get a second chance. The kind where no one helps you –it's just, "You don't measure up. Goodbye." Irrational? Maybe. Probably.

 

But in thinking about what you all have said (objectively, reasonably), I think the best response I could have is to be concerned with what he wants (whether this is important to him, whether he would like to see some change) and to be perfectly happy with how I am anyway. Yes, I can change. It could be a positive thing. But only on my terms. Only in my way. Not because someone – him or anyone else – is saying that I need to measure up.

 

I don't think anyone really wants to change. Make that, no one wants to change because they've been found to have a weakness. Changing – picking up running or eating better, for example – is only done with enthusiasm when people are motivated. I said in an earlier post that I'm happy to improve in this area, but I need to make sure I'm doing it from a foundation of being happy with how I am, not because I'm afraid of being rejected if I don't do it, or because I feel like my bf prefers people who DO exhibit this quality.