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Really needing help here ! are these positive signs to get back ?


tobias13

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Hi Guys,

 

Here is my story, i am 20 years old and my ex is 19 .. we where in a very loving relationship for a year and a half, always together eveyday because we were students we had plenty of time to spend with each other outwith university and work commitments. So she breaks up with me 2 months ago by saying that ou problems are ones which just wont go away ( these problems were girls that were freinds of mine contacting me and my ex was very protective of me in that way and jealous) and she goes off on holiday with friends.. while she is away i create a book of memories for her that shows that the good times certainly outweighed the bad times.. any ways when she came back she loved the book but still didnt want to try again.. i went into a bit of panic mode then and told her all the wrong things such as i would change and stuff .. this went on for a couple of weeks then i wrote her a letter apologising for anything i had ever done to hurt her and that i cetainly never intentionally hurt her,

 

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago .. one of the friends of mine that was a girl she didnt like contacted me on facebook and i instantly got a text from my ex saying "oh look at you two getting close etc" i ignored this text because she let me go and had to deal with me talking to other girls now. that weekend after the text she was out in the same club as me and got very drunk .. she hovered around me alot and even tried to kiss me, i felt this wasnt right as she was drunk and it would only confuse things furthur.. next she sees the very girl that contacted me and she goes and confronts her and tells her to stay away from me, she also tells a mutual friend she still loves and misses me, later on that night she texts me asking if we can talk so i leave the club and she asks back to my place .. i take her but its only to talk .. she falls asleep and i let her stay but i sleep on the couch.. next day she tuns back into her cold ways saying how much it was a mistake and she wants to be friends.

 

now this is where i initiated no contact as i seen a guy who was contacting her a week before we finished started coming onto the scene so i was a bit wary and after reading this thread i felt theres nothing i can do and that it is probably a ebound relationship as he isnt the geatest looking and seems nothing like me, i didnt contact her about it as it isnt my business but she went out to lunch with a mutual friend and told her that she wasnt interested in anyone and just wanted her friends at this moment in time which my friend believed her. Also it was her that brought me up at the lunch and my friend highlighted this too her that not even 2 minutes in and i was the subject of conversation

 

then next day she has photos of his wee nephew on her facebook so i recently unsubscibed to her so i dont see what she is upto .. but the same mutual friend told me she has recently posted on facebook things such as "please mind stop thinking about stuff and let me sleep" and also stuff like whats for you wont go by you.

 

things that get my mind running but i feel alot stonger and i am only focused on my happiness now because you cannot win someone back unless you have won yourself back first that i have learned and i know now that if we got back instantly the same problems would have been there so i am staying upbeat as i feel this rebound if it is will certainly work in my favour.

 

even just last night i was out in my car with my mutual girlfriend and past he brother in the car.. he must of told my ex because she then contacted my mutual friend and asked her what she was upto.. i also got my facebook hacked into and messages sent to my ex.. the only peson that would know my password would be my ex..

 

people tell me she isnt completely over me just by the way she is acting but something is stopping us being together.. also they say if anything does happen with this other guy then its doomed from the start as she is keeping it quiet to everyone and i dont feel people like to be hidden away if they are meant to be in a relationship ..

 

i feel she is still too interested in what im doing to be focussed on anything else and i havent spoke to her for a week which is the longest we have ever went without talking.

 

 

can anyone please give me advice on what is going on here ? im soo confused at what is going on with her and therefore going NC to prevent me from making a mistake and also hoping that my own situation runs the same course as the other success stories on this thread.. some amazing advice on this and i am very grateful to everyone who has contributed as it has kept me going some days

 

please any advice would be great ... and i am always up for helping anyone with there problems because even though i am at a young age compared to some i feel i have alot of ideas that i would love to share for people in there situations.

 

I have put my whole story together here to make it as upto date as possible

 

*UPDATE* thought i would keep those interested an updated pat of the story ... last night we were at the same club again .. she wasnt meant to be going out my mutual friend said but she ended up out anyway maybe knowing i would be there i dont know ? .. well when i was dancing with my friends she would always be around dancing with her friends from time to time, also at the end when a more sadder song came on i caught her staring at me more than once so i stared back at her and we gazed at each other for a few seconds, it was strange i know there could be another guy now but he is probably just a rebound .. at the end she even made a point to say bye to me before i left and also texted me to see if i got home ok .. i didnt reply until this mornin with haha yeah i got in ok thanks x ... this story for me just gets more and more confusing and thats where i appreciate the people on this that help me here ! very grateful lol ... anyways what do you think is happening here ?.. is my NC working and these things point to her missing me or caing for me alot but i cant grasp that if there is someone else that she is keeping secret from everyone as i said in my first post this guy really isnt anything on me but i dont know .. im soo confused haha !

 

* wee update again * got a text today from her saying .. " just met your mum haha!x " dont really know how to take this but i just texted friendly but kinda kept the conversation to a minimum .... she kinda kept the conversation up and then i kinda stopped it .. trying to show im not always there to talk to these days especially if there is someone else ... but i dont understand her ? any insight or advice would be tremendous.

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she's probably trying to keep you in her life somehow. She likely misses you some...but that by no means says she wants to get back together. I have never done this to an ex, and I never would...it's very selfish. She shouldn't be playing with your feelings, talking to you, unless she wants to get back together. period. It's not right

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thanks for the reply and i totally understand about the not wanting to get back even though she missed me, i think she wants to go out and enjoy herself right now with her friends as she never got to do that when she turned 18, but everytime my mutual friend speaks to her she will always bring me up ? its strange.. i feel it is a selfish act on her part that why i am going LC and only replying if she contacts me, i have became much stronger throughout this and she has started going of the rails a bit while being single, by drinking alot to maybe forget about me ? i dont know ! we had a very strong relationship and would like to try again but tbh i dont know what is going to happen in this situation ? any suggestions on what i can do ?

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I would keep up not initiating anything. If you find out there's another guy in the picture, you def need to fall of the radar completely. She IS being selfish. Sorry, but you two are young and lots of these relationships don't last. When i was that age I was totally into partying it up. I had a BF and I broke up with him bc I got bored. He was a good guy, but I just wasn't feelin it anymore. I know I broke his heart, which is why I never would've kept contacting him. It's not fair.

 

Being that you're young, it's hard to say...she probably wants to just do her thing right now (despite maybe still caring for you).

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yeah i totally understand all that and i think the other guy situation is slowly fading now .. think she does want to just go out and party and to be honest that is what i have been doing while i have been out .. but at times she shows up at the same club i go to etc ? its as if she keeps tabs on me even though she doesnt want me right now ? selfish definitely but i am willing to party and do my own thing right now .. and she continues to post on facebook and stuff the phrase " whats for you wont go by you" every so often .. just mixed signals completely !

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You're too young to be tied down to one person. You're going to change your mind on life and love and a million other things between now and age 25. Just go out and have fun with people. If you feel like taking a girl on a date, do it. You don't have to have a serious relationship to have fun.

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i agree with you turnera .. i shoudl just be out enjoying myself as much as possible .. i know we really where in love though, we really where best friends, so i guess its now a case of wrong timing for us and so i need to keep going on and see what happens in the future, we never had any major flaws i treated her tremendously and we always went clubbing together and i let her go out with her friends whenever she wanted and stuff so there was no lack of that, i feel she just wants to have an experience of the single life right now, so i will let it go and you never know in the future!

 

raton44, may i ask .. when you dumped your boyfriend and as you said he was a good guy, did you miss him ? and ever regret your decision down the line ? as it seems it wasnt him that was the problem it was more the timing of the relationship ?

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Well...basically I started to lose some attraction to him and became a bit bored. He was trying to tell me I partied too much (I did, but didn't want to hear it), and I felt some resentment towards him for that. But, those minor things aside...we had a great relationship and he was very good to me. I told him I wanted a break, bc I didn't know what I wanted. About 2 weeks later, I ended up meeting another guy by chance. He was exciting to me and I rebounded immediately. I had no time to miss my ex in the beginning. THEN, I ended up pregnant at 18 within a month of meeting this guy So, we ended up having a terrible relationship but I felt like I had to make it work bc of our daughter. I finally kicked him out of my house when she was 8 months old.

 

I was so stressed out being a young mother and in a terrible relationship that I never really had any mental time available to miss my ex. If I hadn't gotten myself into the situation i did, I do think I may have reconsidered being with my ex again. Things just turned out very strangely, so I'm not the best example.

 

I will say though, for me, when I felt like my ex was concerned about my partying I took it as him telling me what to do and that's what really was the nail in the coffin for him. At that time in my life I wanted NO ONE telling me what to do look where that got me, though..a mom at 19. lol. 10 years later...I have no regrets about my daughter and despite the fact I have also been divorced and now going thru a very hurtful break up with someone else...my life has gone pretty well despite being a very young mother

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That is a terrific story ! my ex said the phrase she didnt know what she wanted.. the thing with me and my ex was we used to party together ! like we spent alot of time together during the week and then just went and clubbed with all of our friends together.. i was never concerned with her i knew aswell as she knew that we where young and could go partying and stuff never was a concern of mine, my female friends i have spoke to say to me she will miss you what you two had was very special and everyone could see that and that they wish she had a boyfriend before me to see that the minor problems we had were really nothing ? its just such a situation she told me she still reads the book of memories i made her and would get emotional, so i know she still cares ! i just have to get on with things and in a way i feel she is like most people me and my ex's age that just think out of relationship and now go party party party, but to be honest where we live there are two clubs and it is very limited so that lifestyle becomes very boring, but i need to focus on me i hope she does really miss me but i need to just keep plugging away at getting me back! your story is one i will read over and over as i feel you have in a way went through this! im very happy that your life turned out great!

 

i know this might be a trivial question .. but is it true that in certain break ups the dumper doesnt feel as much of the hurt as what the dumpee does initially but later down the road them feelings start to arise such as the pain the dumpee feels when hit with the breakup ? .. i ask because i read somewhere some dumpers feel a great sense of relief when they break up with some guilt but then down the line when the dumpee has been out the picture them feelings start to hit them ? i was going to create a thread on it but i wasnt sure if it could be correct ?

 

think i

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I got your pm and I'd like to give you some solid advice but there's not really much to go on, she sounds rather conflicted and there's quite a bit of game playing and immature jealousy going on here.

 

Since you want back in and she's on the fence you gotta just let it run it's course and don't badger her and cut it out with the long letters of apology because it only makes you look like a sap and that's not very attractive to her.

 

Just play it cool and wait it out but don't sacrifice your other friendships just because she gets insanely jealous.

 

I hope that helps like I said not much to go on here.

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Regarding dumpers...I have heard this. But I don't think it's true in every case. When I separated from my ex husband I was so relieved and I have never wanted to get back with him. There were times I missed his friendship and some of our good times. But, when I don't want to be with someone...I have thought about it for a long time. I have never been an irrational dumper. It seems like the dumpers who are looking for greener grass, independance, etc. are more likely to go thru their euphoric period after the BU and then start thinking about the relationship more down the road. After each of my LTR, I have found someone else fairly quickly by chance, and all of these relationships lasted for a good while. So I never really became sad over my dumpees, since I was totally done with them. People going back to exes is actually a foreign concept to me. lol

 

My most recent ex, whom I'm getting over now...asked me about my children's fathers if I was "done with these guys." I thought that was such a strange question bc when I dumped I was DONE. But, apparently people are going back to exes all the time. lol. Maybe he will come back to me

 

The ex I was telling you about partied with me as well...but I took it a little bit further than I think he liked. His father was an alcoholic. So, I can understand. But, when we are young sometimes we just don't realize what's good for us yet. I was quite the independent young woman then and I didn't wanna hear it! I'm still independent, but after I've grown up..I have realized that when you have a good relationship you keep it and work on it. This just takes time and experience for people to realize. He was my first serious boyfriend, too. So, I really had nothing good to compare it to at the time. The fact that you two are young does mean that you should def continue doing your own thing and having fun. She may or may not come back. It's easier said than done when you're hurting though, I KNOW THIS!

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I got your pm and I'd like to give you some solid advice but there's not really much to go on, she sounds rather conflicted and there's quite a bit of game playing and immature jealousy going on here.

 

Since you want back in and she's on the fence you gotta just let it run it's course and don't badger her and cut it out with the long letters of apology because it only makes you look like a sap and that's not very attractive to her.

 

Just play it cool and wait it out but don't sacrifice your other friendships just because she gets insanely jealous.

 

I hope that helps like I said not much to go on here.

 

thanks for your insight antigen ... i only wrote one letter must of been month and a half ago just because i was still in that sot of panic stage and just wanted to make everything fine, and if anyone needs to know any more information on my relationship just ask any questions i am always willing to answer anything if it can help let people get a better insight.

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thanks again raton44 your insight has been very uplifting to me, i also believe that not all dumpers do the whole missing the person after there gone but even though the way she acts around me i feel she may be missing me or that i just cant act upon it until she contacts as i feel i dont want to pressure her anymore and i need to just let it be just now, my ex hasnt found anyone else as i said before i think she wants to be single for now and just go and have fun with friends so maybe after the excitement of that fades then who knows, but i cant wait for that to happen i have to keep improving and get back myself as someone has quoted on this site before .. "to get your ex back you must first get you back".

 

Also my ex on the day she ended things she said .. i was going to wait for a while longer to see if things got better but because you were asking if things where ok i felt i needed to do it now.. i feel that she may not of thought it right through to the end but the single life that she feels she wants right now is more appealing than the arguments we got into over the last few weeks of the relationship.

 

a friend once told me, if an ex initiates contact with you that means that you have been on their mind or at least they have thought of you. i feel there may be truth in this statement but yet again i do not get over excited when she texts me anymore. i'm making strides to being the old me with the changes i have been trying to make to myself due to what i took from my relationship. In a way i suppose that even though relationships seem unbearable at times, you can really learn alot from a breakup and if your up for the challenge then anything is possible i suppose ?

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Yeah i Get that raton, and to be honest now looking back .. i think time to be ourselfs out of a relationship could be beneficial to both of us .. must ask though .. and i know im not about manipulation and stuff i believe love should naturally come back to one another if it was meant to be , but i read on here even though NC is for healing and i totally agree with that, what are your views on that possibly being the most beneficial way of getting an ex back ? im just going on what i have read on this site and i feel the pro's outweigh the cons its just wouldnt an ex forget about you after a while ?

 

and turnera its not that i want to tie her down, she has always been very adamant in what she wanted which i respected greatly, yes we are both young but also i know and everybody around us knows we were in love very much, and as she used that phrase she would have and still could be a bit confused over everything she wants, im not saying i want a girl that doesnt know what she wants but this is her first time experiencing these feelings as am i, guess i just have to see what the future holds for me and her, not clinging onto any false hope or anything i just want her back she still cares for me and i still care for her, so if she wants to have fun for a while then so be it, i will do the same ..

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The thing is, it's hard to see from YOUR side of the age spectrum, but you're very likely going to end up having 3, 5, 7 'important' relationships before you settle down. She may seem like the only one for you, but that's just because you're only 20 and you haven't even begun to experience life as a full adult yet. You have a LOT of experiencing ahead of you. Plenty of time to get serious about somebody so, if it isn't there right now for you two, just accept it and go out and enjoy yourself.

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I am not the best person to ask about NC and getting back together. I am in the middle of struggling with NC myself. It'd be better to just keep reading on here, and search for old threads regarding these things.

 

Or you can make a new thread about your NC questions

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thank you to both of you alot of great advice from you guys ! i think im just going out to enjoy myself right now and see what happens as much as i feel for her and i think she still feels for me but right now she doesnt want any real serious relationships so i can be cool with that as i go out and enjoy myself aswell.. i will always be friendly etc to her as right now its not happening maybe in months things could be different but until then i am NIC and continue to move on right now, i dont need anyone else right now because at this moment in time nobody could probably fill the void left by her maybe over time yes but not now. she will probably be the same as she doesnt want anyone else right now..

 

Have to just wait and see and i will be posting about NC and about getting an ex back and stuff about that.. nothing can be forced it just has to come naturally so on with life and plenty more fun times ahead.

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You are young, every relationship is just training at that point. At your age, I thought every ex was the "one", then with each ex, the next was better. Its not safe to settle with what you got, because you cant compare experience to know you made the right choice.

 

As for your ex, I am guessing she has low self-esteem. Jealousy either comes from lack of trust, or insecurity. She probably felt down in the relationship, and going out with friends, and even talking to john doe, will help boost her confidence and help her enjoy life. Dont play the jealousy game with her, keep everything on the low, if you do care about her in some way, then dont ruin the girls confidence any further. If you can handle the rejection and anxiety of it, then be a friend to her, tease her, make her laugh, and enjoy yourself and have fun. If it IS insecurity that pushed her to leave, then she might not come out and say she wants you back when she (if ever) feels she made a mistake, hence why I would try to keep contact. Insecure people dont gamble with their feelings, they will stay quiet forever as though they dont put themselves in a situation that they are rejected and hurt.

 

Going NC is a toss up really. I would keep in contact if she is the one doing the reaching out, but i wouldnt go out of my way to contact her, or go see her, or return calls right away. SOme people will have a boost in confidence when they go out with friends, it will he a good experience for them, and they will associate you with the opposite of that, some will get lost in this world, if it things dont die down, they will make it a lifestyle, and/or find someone who can maintain this feeling that they want. Couple this with the fact shes young, and it becomes a very bad situation.

 

You can only be a friend at this point, but dont be a sucker and wait, go out and date around, for all I know she is riding high on her self-image that she has a base of strength to keep you as an option, and YOU are no longer her blemish in her ego, but someone that was holding them back. Have fun, date around, its none of her business, keep small talk with her, ask her out as a friend (why not, friends do it all the time, go out for coffee to catch up, go to the mall to have her help pick something out for you (i usually dont recommend this for guys whos ex's broke up with them for being needy and clingy) you have an extra ticket and you are with friends then ask her if she wants to go since a few friends backed down, etc.). Just dont expect anything, just be a friend, dont care.

 

And if I didnt say it enough, date around, lol! Boink some new girl, get some new experience, meet a mature woman, meet a dumb woman, meet a smart woman, meet a geeky woman, meet a sexual freak, experience whats out there. Gather up on intel on what YOU want, dont let your past dictate what woman is right for you, you dont have the experience for that.

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thanks for the advice ! she has always been Jealous person .. and i forgot to add i do reply to her if she contacts me .. i try to keep the line of communications open .. she has done a good job in going out her way to make her seem happy but when she sees me in the same club its as if sadness or a awkwardsness overcomes her she got cheeky with one of her friends yesterday because people told her that he was all over me which wasnt true i dunno to be honest its a very confusing situation i do want her back .. but i cannot allow myself to wait on her surely she wouldnt of brought that up to her friend if she didnt care anymore ? i know thats not enough for her to come back but i do want her back but i dont need her back if you get what i mean?

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What are you doing to get your life back on track?

 

well right now im back at my old football team so im starting to enjoy my football again also im focussed alot more on my studies by getting stuck into my university work ... i am also out at every possibility with my friends going to clubs and meeting new people ..when i do have some spare time thats when i think of her but not in a pining way .. more a case of motivation on what went wrong and what i still need to do to become a more improved me ... so i can keep going out a enjoying life .. if she contacts me then she contacts me .. because i know she still has feelings for me .. but i cant focus on that it has to be all about my happiness right now ... any other suggestions on what i can do to keep improving ?

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