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Putting the full story together for a better understanding. Please help

RiverLife

By RiverLife
in Getting Back Together

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RiverLife Newbie

RiverLife

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I've been dating my girlfriend for 13 months, I am 22 and she's 19. A few months in the relationship she said that she has been raped a few months earlier and her depression cycle began shortly after. During this time I considered the relationship new and fresh but felt so badly for her I didn’t want to leave. I fell for her, we had many good times and I didn’t want to see her like this. She eventually went through a very dependent phase where she wanted me to be there for her constantly. I lost a lot of free time and friends because I felt bad. I just kept thinking that helping her would strengthen the relationship. While helping she decided to go to the same 4 year college that I was going to attend. Eventually with time she followed me to the same college, with the same major, and half the same classes. When college started I slowly became depressed because I’ve lost a lot of friends through moving. During this time I wasn’t the most attentive to her needs. Eventually a few weeks later I told her of how I was feeling. I began started taking anti anxiety and depression meds.

Eventually she began talking to another guy that talks to her constantly. I told her it bothers me, I want her to have friends but this guy talks to her constantly in the middle of the night to early morning. Even when I’m spending time with her she constantly texts him. I told her it bothers me, I want her to have friends but I think its rude how often she talks to this guy and little me. She eventually started to have friends due to her room mate and she began putting more of her priority from her friends. I told her that I’ve been feeling depressed and would like some more time with her, she constantly tells me that shes being pulled in many directions. That she has to please her friends, school, and family. Eventually i began to be become clingy in the fear of losing her, but i ended up pushing her away.

 

Here is the earlier post i posted.

 

 

Hey ex/girlfriend tried to break up with me Wednesday saying how she wanted to remain friends. I told her politely that I couldn't remain friends because it would be too painful after spending 13 months with her. I told her that i loved her and i was willing to make things work out to strengthen our communication, because i admit that’s where I was failing as a boyfriend. She eventually went into a severe panic attack and I had to call her mom. After this her mom took care of her at my dorm at school, and eventually I left them to have their privacy. Very shortly after i got a text message saying please come in. I went into the dorm and the mother wanted to take my ex/girlfriend home. My ex/girlfriend asked me to come with her because she needed me. So I ended up driving an hour to get down to her house. While she relaxed for a while longer her mom eventually left. Then I asked, "I really need to know where I stand, am I your boyfriend or am i your ex?" She began crying and went into another panic attack. Her mom rushed back and through more talking the agreement was to let her think about what she wants and talk to me the next day. Eventually as I tried to leave the house she didn't want me to leave, so i stayed. She ended up kissing me saying she loved me and then i walked out the door.

 

Eventually as i arrived at school, the same time i saw my ex/girlfriend getting dropped off by her car. She immediately ran towards me and grabbed my arm saying she missed me so much she couldn't leave me. That we need to talk about the relationship and strengthening the communication. The next night I slept very well, and eventually later that day she broke up with me. Officially of that moment I was considered the ex. I talked to her about everything i wanted and what she meant to me, i wrote down ways that we could strengthen our communication. She still cried. Eventually i asked her if I could take her to a spot on a river where we fell in love, she refused. I knew in my heart that I went down swinging. I tried everything that i could do.

 

Later that night less then a few hours later she knocked on my dorm saying how she couldn't go a couple hours without seeing me and knowing how i was doing. She wanted to stay a little bit, and i explained that we couldn't keep doing this. That she had to make a choice to be with me, try again or leave. She still wanted to stay but she eventually left wanting to give me a hug and left.

 

Eventually Friday came. I managed to get myself out of bed to go to classes with my heart broken. I still tried to be positive listening to my friends. She eventually texted me saying "Would you by any chance be free at 1pm", i replied "Why" then she said "I would like to talky to you, if you would give it a chance" Eventually we met and she discussed what made her happy and things we could do to help the relationship be stronger. Those objectives that she wanted in the relationship and objectives that I wanted in mine. She said she didn't want to get back together right now because she wanted a full day of relaxation with me and no distractions then start dating. And to start doing it right.

 

She texted me saying, "How am i doing baby?" and stuff later in the day. Im still going through so much anxiety because i don't want her to change her mind again. It hurts so much to be this person that she changes minds on. That she can't decide and I'm just being there. I want things to work out so badly and I'm willing to give it a shot. But the jumping rope is killing me. I guess I can't really figure out what’s going to happen until later today.

 

Eventually i got a call from her saturday where she broke up with me on the phone, and i called later in the day begging for a new chance for us and trying to make things work out. That i would help not put stress on her anymore. After this i started the no communication with hope of moving on or getting back together. Im not gonna lie though i really wanna get back together with her though.

 

 

 

Im currently on day 4 of no communication with her, i see her every day but i don't say a word. She still hangs with this guy and her friends. Im at a loss. What should i do? and what should i expect? A mutual friend told me that she couldn't be in a relationship that was clingy and she needed to focus on school. But this guy still remains. I don't want to lose her but i still have hope for getting back together. Its hard to move on due to the fact that she lives down the hall in my dorm from me, this may be due to her previous clingyness. I just want to know am i doing the right thing that will help me and my relationship.

 

I know the grammar really bad and so is the spelling, I'm just writing this down very quickly to vent somehow. I just need to know what people think and any advice. Its so painful to experience and i just want to be with her or be on the process of healing. I constantly worry too much and i love her. I just want to make things work out.

 

 

Please help...

 

Your friend

 

J.

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RiverLife Newbie

RiverLife

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I know, I'm trying its just i keep wondering if she's gonna bang at my door asking for me back. I keep fantasizing a big return and happiness with her. Im trying to let her go but seeing her everyday makes it hurt so much. By doing the No communication is she going to miss me even though she's filling the gap with someone else?

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indea08 Mentor

indea08

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Listen, I know you love her like crazy. She's probably your best friend, your other half, and the reason you do everything you do. I know you can't imagine your life without her, and you can't imagine being with anyone else. I also know that regardless of any advice you're given on here, you're still going to do anything you can to fix the relationship.

 

So, if you want my open and honest advice, keep no contact and let her go. The right relationship won't be so hard, and it will make you better and happier. This relationship is breaking you down, its emotionally exhausting and if it continues like this, I think it will eventually make you guys resent each other. A better girl, a better relationship is out there, and you wont find the right girl until you let go of the wrong one.

 

But realistically, its alot easier said than done. So my advice in fixing the relationship would be to continue giving her space. Let her miss you, because I'm sure that everything you're feeling, she's feeling as well. Let her make the decision (on her own) that she wants to try again, but when that happens, keep your guard up and keep yourself a little distant. When you feel you're safe in the relationship again, then let her back in completely.

 

Remember, everything always works out how its supposed to.

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sidehop Proficient

sidehop

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You both need to take care of yourself first and not rely on each other's company. It sounds like she has a lot to focus on while you need to go back to the days when you had more confidence, friends and basically put yourself first. Even if she were to come back to your life in full force, if these problems exist then you'll likely feel more miserable in a long run.

 

I'm sure it's very painful to see her and possibility of losing her good.. It's probably best you two keep going your separate ways to focus on school and as an individual. You two are still young and have so much ahead of you. Just keep good thoughts and if anything be there for her but don't overstep your own boundaries just to reach out. Put yourself first always.

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RiverLife Newbie

RiverLife

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So i broke no communication after four days. Surprisingly i feel a lot better. I told her i said "these four days were so rough on me and were they rough on you?" She replied saying "that was your choice." Then i asked her "why did you want to break up with me?" She said "I told you the reasons" I said i don't remember any of it and trust me i would of. she replied "Im not going to list them out to you because its not going to help you out any" That she doesn't want to get back together and it was final. That she said "look i don't have time for this now and i have to go.: She couldn't even give me 10 minutes of her time. It hurt so bad. I said what about all the memories we've been through. She said "Well thats called a break up." And she hung up on me shortly after.

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Airbag Explorer

Airbag

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In a situation like this, do you know if she'll ever confront me again? And is this a model of the grass is greener syndrome? And what most likely happens in situations like this?

 

You know what the funny thing is? Usually ex's want to get back with you when you're already over them. Love sucks man...

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Airbag Explorer

Airbag

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Yea i hear that, its just funny people always want what they can't have. But how would you show an ex that you are over them?

 

No one really knows the answer. Some people recommend not to contact your ex. Other people suggest dating other people to make him/her jealous (which is a terrible idea in my book). Right now, your ex holds all the cards. She probably isn't dwelling on the relationship as you are.

 

You need to take your time to grieve. Even if it takes some time. Don't avoid your feelings. I quote:

 

"Rather than learning how to be tolerant of difficult feelings, many of us have learned only to avoid them... our inclination is often to run from our emotions because they carry with them the threat of destruction. Indulging ourselves in thinking as a protective alternative, we try to avoid our fear by staying aloof of our feelings."

-Mark Epstein, M.D.

 

You have to get your own sh*t together before you can try get your ex back. Just take the time grieving. Don't hold back any tears. All those negative emotions need to come out. Confront your feelings. The mind, the psyche, and the emotions are extremely important for your total well being.

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RiverLife Newbie

RiverLife

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Yea im gonna try and get my stuff together, I think its good for me. Im finding every day slightly easier because i realize more of her negative habits. But for now i guess i just have to move on cas life is still moving. She made her decision very clear and as much as i disagree with it i'll have to move on. Idk the type of personality i am i always want to know the most of the details so i can understand what happens in the future and prepare for them. Its just hard to accept cas i didn't really get any reasons for the break up. She just hangs with new friends and leaves me. It just kinda sucks.

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raton44 Apprentice

raton44

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I was raped when I was 15. I am now 29. I have had years of off and on therapy for it. You have no idea the crazy things your mind does when you have a trauma like that. Throughout my life I have been promiscuous, depressed, happy, an addict in recovery, had 2 children, been divorced, lost friends, gained friends...I have been all over the book. As I've gotten older, things have calmed down and I have healed from it. But, I will never say that it doesn't ever affect me. I feel much more healthy and on a more even keel than I was years ago.

 

Your ex is probably just trying to figure herself out right now and there's nothing you can do about it, unfortunately. I used to run from good relationships. Now, I have found myself in what I thought was good..and turned out to probably be a bit codependant on both sides and he dumped me, as he has issues as well.

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RiverLife Newbie

RiverLife

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Yea i understand that i kinda got the fixing complex where i fooled love for dependency. But it frustrates me because i believe part of the relationship was very healthy and she ran away so randomly without reason. It just sucks being in a good relationship one minute and out the next.

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deeplongbreath Explorer

deeplongbreath

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Its hard dealing with semi-broken people. My recent ex has abandonment issues due his parents dying at a young age. It still affects him deeply and until he can deal with htis, he's going to always have problems in relationships

 

Yes it's hard but it's worth trying because getting them to talk about their traumas and more generally life events is very rewarding. It also creates a bond that they don't have with many other people.

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camus154 Mentor

camus154

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Dude, this is just part of growing up.

 

You're going to run into ex's at college. You're going to share classes together. You're going to have to find a way of dealing with it, because life isn't going to pause while you're suffering through a heart break. She's not going away likely, and neither are you.

 

So...what can you do? First and foremost--quit taping old notes to her door. That's creepy. Trust me--and I'm saying this because just about every guy has been there--you do NOT want to unravel into that lovesick, broken-hearted mush of a man. If you're already in a tight social circle, then you need to worry about your reputation as well. Do you want a ton of girls thinking that you're that obsessive ex who won't let go of a girl? Of course you don't. You'd rather be out there dating them!

 

I know it's hard not doing anything, but NC exists for a reason. It's THE only fool-proof way of both healing and moving on while holding onto your dignity. Every move you make in an attempt to reach out to her will absolutely be seen for what it really is--some sort of desperate maneuver to not let go. Good luck!

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RiverLife Newbie

RiverLife

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Thanks man, Basically i started hanging with other girls and her jealousy side started showing. She knocked on my dorm door and basically put all my stuff on the floor really pissed off saying how i was cheating on her. I told her she's just a friend, which she is. I told her how i felt, about missing her and wanting to work through this. She said she couldnt trust me. So she was pissed saying i was acting fake around people and thats not who i truly am. Eventually a few days later she saw me acting happy again, and she decided to hold a guys hand who knows the whole situation with the break up being so fresh. Later i heard her relationship status on Facebook changed into a relationship. Either way i know she's not dealing with the break up very healthy either trying to hurt me or not being able to be single for long are warning signs. Either way I'm still going to continue my NC and keep my chin up, and keep life going.

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