How many of you hold out hope for the ex while dating other people?

[Eocsor]

I was talking with one of my friends who will remain nameless (David) And he told me that while he is happy in his new relationship, he's not sure what would happen if the ex were to ask him to reconcile. They've been apart for three years now and he's been dating his current girlfriend for about 10 months and seems happy.

 

He claims he's in love with the new girl but at the same time says his ex was the love of his life and if she said she wanted to try again all bets are off.

 

Surprisingly (or maybe not) this is not the first person I've heard this from. A few people I've talked to over the years have expressed similar sentiments. Sort of a get out of jail free card if the ex ever comes calling.

 

Is this that common in other peoples experience? Are there people who claim to be happy in their new relationships actually happy if they can make that statement.

 

Just curious about others experience with this.

[sadchick83]

I would not want to be "David's" new current girlfriend. I would not put myself in this situation personally. I would not want a default boyfriend, or want to be someone's default girlfriend.

[6yeardumped]

Well, I'm dating a rebound (at a very conscient level, we are both perfectly aware that this is a rebound relationship...), started 4 months after the BU, 2 and a half months after starting NC with my ex of the last 6 years.

 

I still have plenty of hope about reconciling with my exgf (she was the dumper), since it was a "clean BU" with me "letting her go with love" to find out if the Grass is greener or not... (despite being 29, she had/has GIGS - I was her first relationship, she never experienced the "college life", coming from a very conservative family, etc).

 

So, 4 months NC and I've been with my rebound for 2 months now... This girl is aware that she is a rebound, and she's gaining a lot from this relationship as well (she got divorced one year ago, so I'm kindof her rebound as well - hmmm...double rebounds exist?), she's living at my place, I took her off her sister's house, etc etc...

 

I do have hope that my ex will be back, and I would probably like to try to slowwwwly reconcile wayyyyyy down the line (in a few months/years)... However, this might be because I'm not in love nor do I love the rebound girl ...circumstances brought me and this girl together, and I'm making the best of it both for me and her...

 

However, if I was in a similar situation not with a rebound but with someone I actually had met a few more months after my original BU and actually felt in love with her, I doubt that I would be hoping for my ex to come back, or even thinking about her... When I reaaallly fall in love with a new girl, I immediately forget my previous serious relationship...

[mactownman]

Pretty messed up to me. You shouldnt be in a relationship if you are still beholden, however unofficially, to another. His poor girlfriend.

[Nick Lansing]

I've done it. Am doing it now. It is weird. Obviously you can't fully devote yourself to the new one... and you hope maybe the new one will be better than what came before, and anyway can you really judge that, when you're still hung up on your ex?

 

The woman I'm seeing doesn't know I miss someone, but she does know I'm not really invested in her. I'm not leading her on.

 

For me, well they say you have to get on with your life and move on, so I do it... but it is weird.

[swann]

My assumption would be this happens a lot more often than not. I mean the guy has been broken up with his ex for 3 years right? So what is he suppose to do? I feel for the girlfriend especially if she's thinking they are both in love and she sees a future with him but if he is being true to her and himself and he isn't trying to make contact with the ex or anything, all that's happening is a game of "what if's?" Nothing in reality. Just a question that each person asks themselves at some point about an ex. Some people could say "no way", "I don't know" or "gee that's a tough one, I do miss her/him at times"

 

But I would guess all of us ask ourselves this question is my point.

[Nick Lansing]

My ex-wife started out as a rebound basically (she knew the deal), but in time I got over my ex and saw she was a much better person for me, and we stayed together for 15 years.

[loulou37]

How do you be with someone when you still love your ex? i couldn't even look at another man, also if my ex and me were to get back together, he would never want me if i'd slept with someone else and i don't blame, i wouldn't want him either.

 

loulou x

[Thorshammer]

Thats what I used to do, and all my rebounds became serious. Key thing was, I didnt care about my ex once they broke it off. And they all came scurrying back, and I told them in all honesty, that I am happy with the new woman.

[indea08]

I'm kind of doing this now, I've posted a few threads about it if you care to check it out, but to sum it up: I absolutely love the guy I'm dating right now. We get along great, we're a great team, we have so much fun together, but there are a few major things that just kind of send up red flags, ya know? We've dated for a little over two years, but there was a period of about six months where I left him for someone else. It was long distance and didn't work out, but I still think that if we ever get a REAL chance to be together and not be long distance, we'd be perfect together. However, that's not possible right now. I'm happy with the guy I'm with, and he knows about everything, so even if we don't think we'll be together forever, why shouldn't we be together now if we both want to be? Maybe we're setting ourselves up for heartache later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Besides, everything always ends up exactly how its supposed to.

[april15]

If I asked myself "would you take her back?" and the answer was yes I would not enter another serious relationship. I guess if the other person knew your feelings and wanted to stay with you anyway, it would be at least honest. Some people want their cake and their old broken cake too, and of course eat them both.

[Eocsor]

My assumption would be this happens a lot more often than not. I mean the guy has been broken up with his ex for 3 years right? So what is he suppose to do? I feel for the girlfriend especially if she's thinking they are both in love and she sees a future with him but if he is being true to her and himself and he isn't trying to make contact with the ex or anything, all that's happening is a game of "what if's?" Nothing in reality. Just a question that each person asks themselves at some point about an ex. Some people could say "no way", "I don't know" or "gee that's a tough one, I do miss her/him at times"

 

But I would guess all of us ask ourselves this question is my point.

 

I think this is more along the lines that I meant. I think Dave's actually in love with the new girl. But he still has the thought that the ex was his soul mate or some such thing. He has no plans to actively seek her oput but if she showed up at his door wanting another shot he said he might say yes but he wasn't sure. I don't get it and I don't necessarily think it's a healthy thing but I've heard that statement from others before so I was curious how common it was.

[april15]

You both know where you stand and have been honest. If you aren't interested in finding something more meaningful right now, then settling is fine. Just don't look back and see 10 years of settling have passed by. You can never get that time back. If kids weren't involved and I weren't involved in something that kept me from a solid relationship, I would not settle. I would rather be single than in a halfway relationship.

[Eocsor]

Thats what I used to do, and all my rebounds became serious. Key thing was, I didnt care about my ex once they broke it off. And they all came scurrying back, and I told them in all honesty, that I am happy with the new woman.

 

I don't quite understand. Did you hold out hope of reconcilliation while you were happily dating the new girl?

[Brownstone322]

People run back to their exes all the time; I've read it on here dozens of times, maybe hundreds. (Yes, that flies in the face of claims that no one ever gets back together; figure that out for me.)

 

That said, this depends on how invested one is in a new relationship. To me, "dating" doesn't imply much. I've "dated" women before, but there was nothing serious about what we were doing, and I think we both knew it. "Dating" and "serious relationship" (meaning nominal "boyfriend/girlfriend") are two entirely different things in my mind.

 

But this "David" seems pretty invested (or claims to be), so I don't see how he can take the position he does. I doubt his new "girlfriend" (it would seem they're more than just "dating") is aware of how he feels about his ex, and that's just an unconscionable way to live, really.

[Puck2DaHead]

It's funny becuase I was just thinking about that while driving the other day. If my 14-month relationship were to end, I'd probably always hope that we could work it out, so how long do I give it before I really make myself available again? If I we were to break it off, I would immediately try to get back into the dating world, and when I found someone interesting/fun (but never as interesting or fun as my ex (who is the love of my life)...), would I have sex with the girl? I would feel horrible if my gf and I broke up and I found out she had sex with someone else when we got back together, so I would probably wait until the final nail of closure that my gf and I would never get back together.

 

Breakups are a funny thing...Love is a funny thing...but you just have to trust your emotions and trust your partner(s).

[Brownstone322]

If I we were to break it off, I would immediately try to get back into the dating world, and when I found someone interesting/fun (but never as interesting or fun as my ex (who is the love of my life)...), would I have sex with the girl? I would feel horrible if my gf and I broke up and I found out she had sex with someone else when we got back together, so I would probably wait until the final nail of closure that my gf and I would never get back together.

People who "date" after a break-up probably have sex. People probably find too much symbolic significance in that. It's not the same as cheating, and it shouldn't in itself be a roadblock to reconnecting and reconciling.

[DerekJason]

People who "date" after a break-up probably have sex. People probably find too much symbolic significance in that. It's not the same as cheating, and it shouldn't in itself be a roadblock to reconnecting and reconciling.

 

agreed, i know ive had more partners than my x, so how could i judge if she had sex with someone else while not being with me.

[lanaa]

yes i would say rebound relationships are normal

 

but your friend David is not normal lol,,mostly because it all happened 3 years ago..i mean move on man,and secondly long enough time passed before he entered this new relationship

[Eocsor]

yes i would say rebound relationships are normal

 

but your friend David is not normal lol,,mostly because it all happened 3 years ago..i mean move on man,and secondly long enough time passed before he entered this new relationship

Agreed and agreed. But thats not what I was asking. I'm not asking if rebounds are normal or if it's right of if it's unfair or whatever. I'm asking is this fairly common. That even though for all intents and purposes you seem to have moved on with somone else, you would still consider reconciling if the ex came back. I've heard that sentiment a few times over the years and I wondered how common an experience that was.

[DesMoines]

You know - this is one of my biggest fears.

 

In my past, I'd been a cheater. A fairly habitual cheater. When I got with my most recent ex, I swore I'd NEVER be like that again…and I never will be. I grew a lot.

In the last few months, I've been being courted by a really wonderful guy - he's just fantastic - but, I absolutely refuse to get involved in a relationship with him because I am I just not over my ex, and I know that if the ex came and asked me back, I'd go - no questions asked.

I'd NEVER put the new guy in that position, or even worse, start seeing ex behind his back.

 

I don't want to be in that position, and I don't want him in that position. I guess that's just my point of view. I suspect quite a few people get involved while still pining for their exes. I know of one guy who said he * * * * ed up a really, really good thing a few years back by getting involved with someone too soon, then going back to the ex.

[Thorshammer]

Why dont you just keep the relationship open, sheesh.

 

I was talking to some girl a few weeks ago, then all of a sudden she gets back with her ex, I am like, werent you complaining about that fool for hours? Then another girl is still trying subtly (that even I can figure it out) get back with her ex, after she told me he has a small penis, sucks in bed, and was never grateful. Sure, they could be bs'ing me to hook me in, but still, a lot of data on how bad they were, and they still ran back to them.

[DesMoines]

But - what's the difference between an 'open relationship' and just…well, what I'm doing now?

Does it save him or me bad feelings because we're BASICALLY in a relationship with a title, even though I still have strong feelings for my ex? Or, does adding a real title increase the * * * * feelings if I do get back with my ex?

 

I'm not going to do it…but I'm just curious as to what the 'open relationship' does to improve my, or anyone elses' situation.

[raton44]

An open relationship is basically a "dating" relationship...you're companions, who likely have sex, but can see other people. In my eyes, it's more than just a FWB...you don't just meet up every once in a while and sleep together and then don't speak until the next time. lol

 

It's not my kind of thing, as casual sex is dangerous and it's bound to get messy on at least one side...

 

But - what's the difference between an 'open relationship' and just…well, what I'm doing now?

Does it save him or me bad feelings because we're BASICALLY in a relationship with a title, even though I still have strong feelings for my ex? Or, does adding a real title increase the * * * * feelings if I do get back with my ex?

 

I'm not going to do it…but I'm just curious as to what the 'open relationship' does to improve my, or anyone elses' situation.

[Brownstone322]

An open relationship is basically a "dating" relationship...you're companions, who likely have sex, but can see other people. In my eyes, it's more than just a FWB...you don't just meet up every once in a while and sleep together and then don't speak until the next time. lol

That's exactly what I was referring to a page back when I wrote that (in my mindset, anyway), "dating" and "relationship/boyfriend/girlfriend" are different things entirely. The original post wasn't so clear on the distinction. If I were "dating," then, sure, I might consider going back to my ex (or to someone else). But if I were in a bona-fide relationship, no way.