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He's vanished - please help!!


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Hello all,


Am in a bit of a confusion so any advice or insight will help! Thanks in advance for taking time to respond to my thread.


I've been seeing this guy for over 4 months but out of the 4, I was away a month and a half. I've just returned from an overseas holiday and while I was wondering if he'd still be around - he was. One of my friends was away too and her guy broke up with her when she got back...so I was a bit worried too but I waited and he was still waiting for me. While away we kept in touch via email - he was bad at responding - took a week at a time to answer but I know he doesn't have easy access to a computer. Towards the latter stages of my holiday we started texting and he was all through very nice - as nice as a guy can be of course - told me he'd been missing me and telling me to be good.


When I got back he asked if he could call in on me the day I arrived - asked me if I'd be too tired for that. I told him I'd keep him posted and soon after my friend left I told him to come over. He did and we had a great time...he didn't even wait a moment before rushing me into the bedroom in front of my flatmate who was trying to keep a straight face while I kept protesting that I wanted to talk. It was all so funny. He said there was enough time to talk...!! We hung out and he stayed over. We watched TV, had dinner and laughed. He had already told me he was going to another city for a few weeks in a week's time. I was a bit saddened but realised it was only a couple of weeks. He asked me if I'd be fine and I told him I had a month and a half's practice.


In the morning he suddenly got up and said he had to meet his friend in an hour and was running late. He kissed me goodbye and whispered 'See you soon'. I didn't stop him and let him go. Later that evening I texted him and asked him how he was. Nothing. The following day I texted him in the afternoon and said jokingly that he's too lazy to respond and I wasn't happy. It was all said jokingly. Nothing. The following afternoon I texted him and asked what was going on and if he was fine. I said I won't bother him again if he didn't want to keep in touch. And left it at that. Nothing. Today I called him in the afternoon...thought he might not have credit. He didn't pick up. Now normally we don't call each other - we normally text. So if he didn't pick up the phone am not that fussed.


He quit his job last week. He keeps doing that. He wants to find a company to sponsor him since he's on a visa till May next year. He desperately wants to stay here. He is very broke at the moment as well. While I was on holiday he told me he couldn't contact me cos he had no credit. He has never lied before - even when I'd suspect a couple of times I would find out later that he was saying the truth.


He has met a whole lot of my friends and they love him. His friends call me his girlfriend and like me as do his flatmates. He however doesn't want to even use the label 'dating'. He says he calls it 'going with the flow' and then asked why we women need labels. But he established that we weren't allowed to see other people. He also said we are NOT friends with benefits.


I took this time away as a test...thought if he was still around he's worth it....but now this silence is bothering me...!!


We didn't fight...I had not hounded him during my holidays...my friend had done that to her guy and that's why he broke up....but I had left him alone. He told me when we met after I came that he missed me. We even discussed how both had stayed loyal to each other.


I don't understand..!! He loved the gifts I got for him but only took one..the chain that was already round his neck...the other he forgot to take. Everything indicates that he hasn't run....but the silence is confusing me.


Hope I can get some insight and advice. I have removed his number since I don't want to hound him...not out of anger towards him. He had gone similarly silent once when we had a tiff and he got gastro. I thought he was angry at me and he was in reality down with gastro and worrying that I was still angry with him. So when we spoke I told him that the silent treatment hurt and he said it was cos of the gastro. I even asked him if his fingers had the gastro too. I told him to drop me at least one text cos the silence can be misconstrued. But again he's done it...and this time we haven't even had a tiff. That tiff was the only we have had and that was cos he had stood me up late one evening. I have a housewarming to go to with him this Saturday...now am wondering if he's going to show up...!!


Am I over-reacting....he might be very worried about his financial and work situation and slightly depressed even...and here I am wondering if it's something to do with me and us...Please help!! Am going through a few tough things and need him a bit to lean on...everything going wrong at the same time...especially after a great holiday is tough to take

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I think he moved on, unfortunately, while you were away but remains attracted to you and wants to continue hanging out with you and hooking up. He doesn't want a label because he doesn't want to lead you on -he likely believes that the label will have meaning to you and he doesn't want you to attach any meaning to what you are doing other than hanging out and hooking up -obviously you're not friends with benefits because it sounds like you've only known him a few months -how could you have been close friends first who decided to start having sex? I should clarify that by moving on I mean that he is dating other people too. I don't think it's appropriate for him to ask you not to date other people but it's appropriate to ask that you be sexually monogamous so you don't risk STDs.


I'd leave the ball in his court and realize that many new dating relationships end after a few months. Sorry!!

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But see that's the thing....he repeatedly would query me about any guy I would mention!! When I told him I had a body massage, he asked me if the massage was a guy or a girl lol!!


And when I reminded him how desperate he was when he saw me for the first time after I got back he said 'do you know how long two months is?'. I asked a male friend if he'd have done the same thing and he said yes....'we are just male'....he told me.


He also said he'd missed me. We also joked about how both of us were quite rusty. I quizzed him about if he really hadn't had any opportunity while I was gone and he said absolutely not. Besides he's the one who established that we were not free to see anyone else...even though we were 'going with the flow'.


So I don't think he's seeing other people. I am wondering if he's silence is because of his career and finances and maybe it has nothing to do with me or us.


After all he waited for me...in spite of his money issues he's taken me out and treated me very special...even took me to his place and introduced me to his flatmates....'I want you to know where I live' he told me.

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He however doesn't want to even use the label 'dating'. He says he calls it 'going with the flow'


...I guess that that's what dating is, in all reality; i.e. to to see how things transpire, EQUALLY etc.


...and then asked why we women need labels.


Perhaps you could correct him about "why we women, need labels", (before someone gives him a black eye,; or worse), that it's not so much about having labels, but about having the right to know where one stands in a relationship. It is the right to know - it's given a label because that's how we are able to understand concepts and situations, or any type of relationship - it is especially so in the western world.


But he established that we weren't allowed to see other people. He also said we are NOT friends with benefits.


Did he say this to you BEFORE you went away? If so, as Batya33 said, then he has probably moved on. Four months isn't a very long time in a relationship, and you've spent a quarter of that time away from eachother.


As Batya33 said - leave the ball in his court. But don't wait around for him.

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I'm so sorry.


I think he's either moved on, or there is another woman in the picture. His questioning you about other men has nothing to do with whether or not he was seeing other women, as it could very easily have been a double-standard in his mind.


Obviously, this is not something you want to believe. That's understandable. Even if you don't believe it, I sincerely hope you used protection and that you go get yourself tested for STDs. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from being tested.


Also ... Please don't wait too long for him. If he reappears in the next day or two (at the max), then perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him what happened, then maybe continue seeing him if you can verify his story. But if it takes him any longer to come back into the picture (I'd bet money that he will reappear eventually), please don't give him another chance to hurt you. If it takes any longer, I would really have a hard time believing any story he gives you. You'd be saving yourself a world of hurt by turning him away at that point.


The fact is, this sort of thing is very common. Some people are players, others fall for people quickly and get over them just as fast, and still others just love the thrill of swooning the person they're seeing, only to lose interest once the challenge is gone. I know this hurts, and it really does suck. But it's part of developing a thicker skin.


For the future, I would be very wary of anyone who refuses to put a "label" on the relationship, unless you have similar beliefs about that. It doesn't sound to me like you do. In my opinion, the majority of people who refuse to label relationships only do so because it's an easy way of avoiding commitment and monogamy. It's much easier to put the blame on you by saying, "Why do women need labels?", than it is to explain why he doesn't want to commit and be monogamous to you. It's a shortcut to a no-strings-attached relationship, and a very common one at that.


Keep your chin up, Rhia. I hope this all works out for the best, but I also hope you don't let yourself get played for a fool by this guy. Keep your wits about you and don't let your emotions overrule your logic.

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This does happen I'm afraid. It sucks.


The "doesn't want to put a label on it" just sounds a big red flag. He wanted to see you and be with you, but with no proper commitment.


Has he spoken to you yet?


I wouldn't message again. I also agree with ToF, keep your wits about you, don't let him mess you about. Keep us posted please.

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He has ignored 3 of your texts and a phone call. If he was really desperate to let you know he had no credit, he would borrow a friend's phone and text/call you to let you know. He hasn't done anything to show you that he didn't do a runner.


Most people when they are into someone, do everything in their power to not to upset the other person and make them think they don't like them anymore. They make efforts with that person so that person dosn't go off and find someone else.

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Thanks all of you for taking time to answer...really appreciate it!!


ToF: We haven't had the 'labels' conversation since I got back..that was before I left. If he hasn't done a runner which I still believe he hasn't cos he has a trend of vanishing at the beginning of the week (but this is the first time he has vanished for this long-which is really just a couple of days more than his trend), then I will be having the conversation with him asap. I was fine to let it slide before I left for the holidays but am keen to find out my status quo now. Trust me I didn't bring that up at all when we met last - so he couldn't have run away in fear. The reason I need to know this is cos I cannot put my eggs in one basket and keep waiting for him. As much as I adore him and see some great qualities in him that have been missing in my ex's...I don't have the time to 'go with the flow'. He did tell me he's terribly broke and gets paid today....so today's the litmus test....if he was indeed with no credit...now he should be able to contact me. As I said before I have deleted his number so I cannot contact him in any case. I also have a date with someone I've met intermittently from March 2010. They have been friendly catchups though...so though we know it's a date we really just chat and catch up. Our date is tomorrow and I have done this to distract myself and stop myself from waiting. I am wondering if I should tell my man this.....I feel I should....not to put any pressure on him...but to let him know what I am upto. If he can't give me what I want...I have to put myself first and keep looking. I have a terribly successful career, 2 houses and am supposedly beautiful...am an artist too and have a lot of lovely friends. Am kind and funny...in fact quite the clown and love my sports. So if this doesn't make me a catch....well I can't do anything more. I am very caring and he loves my cooking. But he keeps dithering with his career...is constantly broke and is struggling to pay his bills....maybe he's scared. Who knows...only time will tell..!!


Moneypenny - yes I am feeling a bit insecure after getting back...but the reason for that is I've been hit by a couple of unpleasant tasks and that has not helped me to overcome the post holiday depression lol! Now cos of these unpleasant tasks I needed his presence and when he was so good and kept his promise of being there when I got back I was so happy. It gave me the strength to deal with these tasks. I am normally very strong but had a very traumatic breakup in Jan 2010...am still recovering from that shock and loss....so hurdles these days are a tad more stressful for me. I've built my career and wealth myself....so I am quite capable of taking care of problems...but still a bit fragile and his presence (or even correspondence) would have taken a lot of the edge off. I have this week off work since am not too well and being alone in the house worrying about all this is tough. I am a bit tired from my overseas trip so don't even want to step outside. He doesn't have work at the moment...so why aren't we spending these days together....especially when he'll be off to the other city next week for the couple of weeks..? Now the week's almost done and I haven't even heard from him....what a waste of some lovely days. Anyway I have, have, have to realise that he's going through rather unstable times in his life...his career & finances are in disarray (I've tried to help but dunno what he's doing)...so I should back off and let him sort himself out. I still don't think this silence has anything to do with us. He said he was as worried about whether the spark would still be there after the 2 months away. But like me he said once he turned the corner and saw my big smile...everything was the same...! I had spoken to him about his 'silence' once before and made him aware of how it sends out wrong signals....had told him to at least drop 1 text to let me know he needs space. But he's done it again...and this silence has been longer though. Now as I was telling ToF he is broke and had told me he'd be getting paid today. So let's see what transpires today. Also since he has committed to the housewarming on Saturday he does need to get in touch with me. I so hope he doesn't stand me up. If I don't hear back from him by Sunday I will have my answer. I so hope he doesn't disappoint me and hurt me. He knows how hurt I was by my ex...he knows he shouldn't hurt me...rest is in his hands.


Laura40 - No he hasn't contacted me yet Am so exhausted mentally....firstly I have a couple of stressful tasks hanging over me...and now his silence. And of course having come back from a lovely holiday I have a bit of a post holiday depression lol! Can't believe am still laughing...it's tough though. Thanks for your support....will keep you posted. As I mentioned to ToF & Moneypenny he does get paid today...so if it has been a credit issue he should be able to top up and contact me. I don't know how I will deal with any excuse he comes up with later. And oh btw..we haven't had a commitment chat after I got back...so it's not as though I have pushed him in anyway. But I do intend to have the chat....I am pretty certain I didn't show that intent when he was with me last time...I just wanted to relax so I at no point wanted to have that conversation with him on the day.


DylanNotorious -Exactly what my friends told me the last time he went silent. If he didn't have credit - borrow a flatmate's phone and text or call me. If he has lost the phone - resort to the email - or keep my number written somewhere. But I know he doesn't have easy access to a computer and that he doesn't have my number written. He has a penchant of leaving his mobile at friends places - I have seen it myself one night when we had to go back to get it. And recently his old mobile fell into the toilet haha! Oh dear...cannot help but laugh. He knows am a bit worried about a couple of things....he did have to leave quick on Sunday and knows I was a bit surprised....he knows am home this entire week...and I've just returned after 2 months...so shouldn't all this be enough reason for him to want to spend more time with me? However with his job situation and absolutely no cash in the bank....isn't it natural that he's not in a very happy or stable place at the moment? As a man won't this situation drive you nuts?


Once more thanks everyone for helping me. I really hope he hasn't done the runner on me. Someone once told me not to expect much stability from him till he sorts out his career and I am prepared to put in the effort but I don't like silence - at least one text a day would be good. He is a Cancerian...and as much as I don't put too much emphasis on the zodiac he does show classic signs of going into his shell....with job and money problems...anyone would I guess. My ex had broken up with me after losing his job and getting depressed. So been there done that....I don't want history repeating itself sigh...

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he has a trend of vanishing at the beginning of the week ... he doesn't have my number written. He has a penchant of leaving his mobile at friends places - I have seen it myself one night when we had to go back to get it. And recently his old mobile fell into the toilet haha!


This, plus the "no labels" talk strongly suggests that he's seeing someone else. Don't you think it's odd that he "vanishes" at the beginning of the week? If he does it to you, there could easily be another girl out there wondering where he "vanishes" to at the end of every week. Vanishing, not having your number written down somewhere so he can at least remember it, leaving his phone places all the time ... Doesn't that make you suspicious?


As Dylan pointed out, someone who was truly interested (and not seeing anyone else) would be going out of his way to prove that he's not disappearing. I know you really don't want to believe that he has ditched you or is seeing anyone else, but you should probably wake up and smell the coffee.


He did tell me he's terribly broke and gets paid today... he's going through rather unstable times in his life...his career & finances are in disarray... However with his job situation and absolutely no cash in the bank....isn't it natural that he's not in a very happy or stable place at the moment? As a man won't this situation drive you nuts? ... Someone once told me not to expect much stability from him till he sorts out his career and I am prepared to put in the effort but I don't like silence - at least one text a day would be good. He is a Cancerian...and as much as I don't put too much emphasis on the zodiac he does show classic signs of going into his shell....with job and money problems...anyone would I guess....


Bottom line: This early in the game, you should be having to make this many excuses for someone ^

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Ok I agree and I believe that he's seeing someone else. I accept he's been playing me all these months and I have been a fool all through. I accept that he's been telling lies to me all these days. I accept he won't contact me and has bolted after he got what he wanted. If he does contact me I should not give him any benefit of the doubt and just shut him out. I accept he's been using me all along. I accept I was wrong in thinking that career & financial & visa woes can be good enough reasons to make anyone especially men distant. I will in the future expect the man to be always attentive and reachable no matter how bad a shape he might be. I should demand that no matter how severe a duress he is under, he should still pamper me and pay me 100% attention. I guess this is where I've been going wrong I guess - I just end up putting myself in their shoes and treat them accordingly but I shouldn't do that from now.


I have to admit that I have quizzed him about his vanishing trend and he told me normally sleeps in on Sundays and catches up with family friends sometimes - nothing sinister. And I know that I normally like having my Sundays to myself. He's assured me there's no one else the once or twice I have raised it. He's always free when I need him to be - he's always worked round my schedule - never made me reschedule or work round his schedule. That in itself tells me there is no one else. If he was only after the sex then why hang around till I get back from overseas? He already had what he needed - plenty of it in the two months prior to me leaving....so why wait for me? Also everytime he has told me something that I didn't believe - later I'd find out he had said the truth. So I have no proof he has ever lied to me. He's not the most vocal guy and still has been very sensitive with me...never gets angry at what I say & has treated me well so far. So he doesn't want a label....after 2 months I am not certain that's a bad thing to say.....but if you say so...then fine I accept that he's not keen at all...though he wanted me to meet his folks when I was in Ireland during my trip overseas. I guess he was just saying that. Why would he show me where he lived? Why introduce me to his friends & flatmates? Why take me out to dinner after he lost his job? He didn't have to do any of this...but he did....if sex was what he was after he had it very early on...there was no need to keep coming back. He is very attractive and charming..he can easily pick up...I have never seen him even checking another girl out...but he does have an eagle eye on me and asks me about any man I might have been speaking to. Why bother if he's going to bolt anyway? Why tell me that we are not free to see anyone else? What difference does it make if I did as long as he got what he wanted?


Anyway since you'll are more knowledgeable and experienced I will blindly believe that he's a douche and has fled the scene. And even if he contacts me and gives me a pretty good reason I won't believe him. Thanks for opening my eyes!!

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Rhia, I'm going through a very similar situation... its not quite as intense as yours, but I'm confused and frustrated by my guy's disappearance too. And I'm also having a hard time believing he would just up and run because it's just not a part of his personality, so I can totally get where your annoyance at some of these answers is coming from.

Has he contacted you back yet? i hope he does soon, if only to give you a reason for his disappearance.


However, here are my two cents... these guys can give us all the reasons in the world but if they're causing us so much confusion and worry, are they really worth it? More than anything I want it to work out with the guy I'm seeing, but if he's going to be like this.... Maybe what we need is to just move on... and trust me, that's not something I want to do, but at some point we gotta take care of ourselves, and maybe that means not waiting for a guy who may never come through for us....

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Thanks MizzGee!! No he hasn't contacted me yet...nothing absolutely... As you said...if only to give me a reason for his disappearance...it will be good. At least I won't be left wondering. Am actually quite livid. Wonder if he will accompany me to the housewarming party day after. He has confirmed several times but his silence is worrying me. So he does need to contact me to let me know whether he's coming or not. I will still go since the host is a friend of mine and Gerry wasn't invited at all but I invited him. If he does turn up (and he has always kept his word) I won't make a scene at the party but I will have a chat with him later that night. He might tell me that he wants to break up before that of course and there will be no need for a chat. If he doesn't then I will ask him what happened and will let him know that I want a man who can keep me company (even if via 1 solitary text every day or every second day) during the week and not just over the weekend. If he wants a weekend catchup only then I will find someone to keep me company during the week. If he's not ok with that then he needs to get his act together....and if he says he's fine with that then I am not cos I want the same man all through the week. So really the ball's in his court. If he agrees to mending his ways then it's his 2nd chance and after that there won't be any more chances. I have been very understanding...and helpful and given him a lot of space...am sure asking him to keep in touch during the week is not too much to ask....!! Also I want a 'label'...am not ready to proceed without one. I would probably not have been thinking this way if he had stayed in touch since the last time we met. Now these issues are big for me and I won't compromise any further. I have given him contacts to call and get a job...he hasn't bothered.....he keeps quitting his job and complaining he is broke. If a person is not ready to help himself....no one else can. I want stability in my relationship and a man I can lean on. As I mentioned earlier I am quite capable of looking after myself but sometimes need someone to lean on. He knows I have a couple of unpleasant and stressful things to take care of...he knows am worried...but he's not there to support me. If he cannot even provide me emotional support then why do I need him? I know he's going through a bleak phase...but it's all his doing....people and I have tried to help and he has been fussy about work. He won't take any ol' job....he gets frustrated and then he quits. I have told him that so many people don't like their jobs....but it's only work....we work to live...not the other way round. So I've told him to keep the job...keep looking and leave when he's found something better but he can't. When we met last he mentioned he wanted to stay at my place for a couple of days before he moved to the other city. He said he would have to move out...so a couple of days would help. I agreed....but now after his silence am not keen at all. He has been rude...why should I allow him to live here?!!


I was dating (just dinner and catchups) another guy along with Gerry. Even though my heart was always set on him I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket till he asked for exclusivity. He doesn't know this and I have not met the other guy too often either...besides he's more a friend at this point. I have set up a date with him tomorrow and he wants to spend the entire day with me...he said he wants to take the day off work. I do like him...but not as much as Gerry. However, we are far more compatible in other ways....he's got a stable career...we always have plenty to talk about...we come from the same home city. And there is surely an attraction. We've caught up for dates since March 2010..so we know each other for a while. I am looking forward to catching up with him and seeing where this takes me. I am not waiting any longer for Gerry. If he does get in touch with me...I will let him know I have started dating this other guy. If he has any issues then he needs to decide what he wants from me. Otherwise I will live my life...and I possibly won't even continue with Gerry any longer. I don't like dating more than one person at a time....like to concentrate on one. He has pushed me away...so really he has to put in effort to win me back and show me why I should spend even a minute with him. And if he never gets in touch with me....his loss...!! I am more than happy to remain friends...but that is the most I am ready to accept...until and unless he has an exceptionally good reason for not being able to contact me....like an accident or hospitalisation lol!!

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It sounds like you've taken control of the situation! Just don't wait for him when you're at the party.. I've found that only leads to major disappointment

Good luck with your date tomorrow and I hope it goes well! The best revenge is to move on with your life and be happy

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You seem to be weighing far too much importance on what this guy could and should be doing to help you get over your current hurdles, and see you through your unpleasant and stressful tasks, and post holiday blues, etc.


It seems that you have far too many expectations for what you think should be happening and it is this that is causing you grief. Your emotional exhaustion is being caused by all the excuses you are making for him in his absence/vanishing act.


You appear to be making his problems/issues your problem when you clearly have enough on your own plate.


You're relying on him, and expecting him not to hurt you because “he knows what you've been through with your previous relationship”. You're relying on him, and expecting “him to not disappoint you”.


I'm afraid to say, but I think you have allowed yourself to get too emotionally caught up in what happened in the bedroom, and you've used that as a sure sign that he'd held himself back for you while you were away, and that things would resume as normal.


Shame on him for using you in that way. For all his charm and sweetness, he sounds SELFISH, SELF ABSORBED, and NOT READY for anything serious in the relationship department.


Do you really want to be with a person like this?


Also, listen very carefully to what people say early on in a relationship or during the dating stage, and ESPECIALLY observe their behaviour – because it is a clear indication of what is to come! An aversion to 'labels', disappearing acts, and not coping well with financial problems, are all big, red wavy flags.


Forget this guy and get on with your own life.

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Nothing to report He still hasn't contacted me. I texted him on Saturday to check about the housewarming...didn't get any answer. 'Am being increasingly being told to visit to check on him since his friend has no idea either. His friend keeps saying he's fine but hasn't seen him in a while. Am considering going over to his place since am getting more worried. Any advice?

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If the friend says he is fine do you have a reason to believe that that is not true? If you think he's injured and can't get himself to a doctor/hospital, fine but otherwise I'd leave him alone.


The friend is not that close to him & hasn't seen him for almost 3 weeks - I've seen him more recently than that. His friend's told me he hasn't contacted him - he's assuming he's fine. Don't think he's concerned much. He doesn't even know that he's quit his job or that he's broke - my guy hasn't told him & I haven't either.

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Right - Don't make it about you two at all. Simply state that you are concerned because you haven't heard from him, and that you'd appreciate knowing that he's safe.


That's if you truly feel the need to. Otherwise, it would probably be better for you to just leave this one alone.

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