how can i end things wirhout it getting messy?

[mantraflix]

Hi everyone.

so i have been with my boyfriend for three years. ive never been in love with him however i have consodered him my best friend. the only reason why i decided to keep this relationship going is because i got pregnant. before and during the pregnancy, hewas a great man. he supported me and lived me. but once i gavw birth, he turned all his attention to our child. he stoped caring for me and we stoped going out.

 

i should mention we have 11 years age gap. all ge wants to do is is stay in a watch tv an do nothing else. i also feel that,because of our gap, that im just a cool aunt to our son. as soon as i try to dicipline him, he goes over me and punishes our son. he decides what he eats and how much. he decides what he wheres and all the little things. its like all i was good for was to give birth to him.

 

Also. hes become a very controling man. he takes all of my paycheck leaving me a bit to pay some of my credit card and my phone bill. see, this would not bother me if we went out even just once a month alone or as a family. he does work and does lay attention to our aon.. i just seem to be the last thing on hjs mind.

 

he says he loves me, but he seems more in love with the fact of having the perfect family. its been killing me for a while and i have talked to him about it on various occasiobs. he seems to only change for a week or so only to get bak to his old self..

 

i have left him in the past. only to have hkm threatening to kill himself or try to take our son away (saying hed use my past as a drug abuser to help him.. i haavent used in three yearrs) and lately. i been struggling to leave him again... not wanting to go through all that again and having his family turning him against me again... so ive been doing very bad things.. cheating on him because i need to fill this void.. please do not judge.. it started recently and i feel bad for him im just very unhappy and i dont know how to leave him!! can someone help me please?!?

[Wutdo]

It's going to be messy, regardless of how you go about it. He sounds emotionally abusive and clingy. The fact that you cheated could set him over the edge also. Never had this experience. But I do have a sister who has been through a bit worse. Quite frankly, I think you both need therapy(especially if you both stayed together). There's issues on both sides. Anyway, this is what I'll say from my perspective concerning this.

 

First off. Stop letting him take your paycheck. You're together, yes. You share the bills and duties of the household. You however are not his slave. And you earned it. You're going to need a bit more than credit card/phone bill payment money to get away from him.

 

Second, make sure you have help. Him and his family are going to turn against you for leaving him? Good for them. They sound stellar. Make sure you have friends there to help you get away and stop anything violent from happening.

 

Third, get a lawyer. Want to keep your son? Get some legal backing. Threatening to kill himself as a bargaining chip for being with you? Good, more ammo for you. This'll sound harsh. I've been broken as a man, but that's just low. He's abusing you and trapping you. If he wants to kill himself then let him do it. That's his decision and not your obligation to babysit. The child needs his father, true, but if he chooses to kill himself over staying there and raising his child, then he has some obvious issues. If you think he's serious, which I personally don't think he is. Get an intervention set up. I'm not sure about your location. In my state we have a term called link removed (wiki page link). I'd have that done to him.

 

Just my two cents. Mind is drawing a blank atm. Hopefully someone from a similar situation has some advice.

 

 

You can ignore everything I said before. But just take note

 

You're a person too. You deserve better than to be abused. Forced to stay with someone against your will is in my opinion equivalent to emotional rape. Anyone who uses your past issues against you after you've grown as a person, definitely is unhealthy and doesn't truly care for you as an equal.

[Mesemene]

I have to agree. You're not another child to be given an allowance. Do you share in paying the bills, or even know how much goes out in your monthly payments, not including your phone/card?

 

Stop the cheating. The last thing you want is to have anything for him to hold over your head. And it's not fair to whoever you're cheating with to use him to fill a void, either.

 

If you overcame being on drugs, you have a spine in there somewhere!!! Time to rediscover it, and say "enough."

[KYRiverGrl]

There are few things worse than a controlling partner. It also sounds like he needs serious professional help!

[Pixiedoc]

All the evidence is that children need a positive relationship with parents (if possible) and what is happening here is really, really, very negative for your poor little boy. There seems to be nothing positive for you in this relationship, which is why you may have taken steps which you wouldn't have if you had been able to settle as a family. Again, research shows that children whose parents stay together for 'their sake' really wish they had split up much sooner, so that they and their parents could be happier elsewhere. Please let that motivate you, if you can. Also agree with everything Mesemene says, but don't stop cheating because you should stay with your partner, stop because it is the wrong thing to do, until you become free to move on. Wutdo is right, do not succumb to emotional blackmail, you are not responsible for his actions but you are responsible for your child, and he will be desperately hoping you can sort everything out for both your sakes.

[nicoleh24]

First off, take his suicidal threats seriously-there should be some sort of intervention. Ok, I dont think you should be stuck in this emotionally empty relationship, you arent happy. have you guys tried counseling?

Id say try that as your last resort-give it your all so when you split you will feel less guilt knowing you tried your hardest.

 

He doesnt take you out any more and make you feel special and emotional neglects you, thats why youre cheating. not saying what you did was ok or justified but these things happen. Find a sitter and set up interviews with them, let him know you guys need a date night here and there.

 

If all else fails-separate. Give it about 6 mos-1 year and see what happens.

 

Wish you the best of luck, sorry youre going through this. I know its tough, especially with a child involved.