Hooking Up in an Attempt to Heal

[Goodfellas]

Hello ENA team,

 

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting as its only been 11 weeks since a 4.5 year relationship ended but I have little desire to hook up with other girls.

 

Maybe I'm comparing them to my ex still? Maybe I have performace anxiety of 'learning' a new body? Maybe I'm not over her? (check that, I'm not)

 

Anyway, my question to you all is have you ever forced yourself to hook up with others in an attempt to expedite the healing process? If so, did it work or backfire? Have you ever got to the point where it was about to go down then backed off for whatever reason i.e. ex baggage?

 

There is a second motivation to this question and its that a month after we broke up I heard through the grapevine my ex was being set up with a friend of a friend, she said she didn't want a relationship but was just looking to have fun with him. FUN = dating? guilt-free flirting? make out sessions? The whole 9 yards? I often wonder.

[Edmund Exley]

Dont force yourself to do anything. If you arent ready, you arent ready, and thats OK. Forcing it wont make you feel better.

[The Man Who]

Dont force yourself to do anything. If you arent ready, you arent ready, and thats OK. Forcing it wont make you feel better.

 

Couldn't agree more with this!

 

What I've found entertaining is since my parting of the ways is that I find it really easy going to speak to women now. I've not dived into anything as I'm still a work in progress but I've gotten several numbers from very attractive females. Others I've started the foundation work on but at least there's interest there

[lalalollipops]

I find hookups pointless. When I had a relationship this year, a short one (3 months) I even felt somewhat crappy having sex with him.

Emotional attachment is hard to let go of. Doesn't happen instantaneously unfortunately. Give it time.

[Eocsor]

Worst idea ever. You are just using other people as emotional crutches. Why screw someone else over to make yourself feel better(it won't by the way)

 

After 4.5 years you should probably stay on your own for a good long while before dating again. Some health professionals put the average time to heal after the end of a significant relationship at 18 months. That may seem like a long time but it feels about right to me from what I've gone through and seen with my friends.

 

So don't be in a big rush to date again unless you want to totally scew up your next relationship. Take the time to do the work you need to do to heal and be in a healthy place.

[Glowguy]

It usually backfires. Hooking up quickly after a relationship never speeds up healing - it slows it down. I think some level of casual dating is good as long as you take things slow. If you're not feeling it then stop. As for your ex, it could mean any number of things. Try not to read much into it and just distract yourself when you start having those kinds of thoughts. What she does is completely out of your control and you will only stress yourself out obsessing about stuff like that.

[beacon]

I agree that you shouldn't FORCE yourself to do anything. I've had a few opportunities and strangely I recently had sex with the one to whom I was the least attracted. She contacted me and asked me to come out. I reluctantly went, drank a bit, spent the night at her place and yes, we had sex. It felt good physically of course, but it was not fun (first time I've ever said that about sex... because it's the first time I've ever thought it) because my head and my passion were not there. It was as you referred to it, FORCED.

 

Don't let it be less than it should be. Wait for it to mean something, whether it's a simple, yet super passionate one night stand or the person of your dreams. Forcing it just didn't work for me.

 

I had to push thoughts of my ex out of my head the entire time.

 

The very crazy thing is that when I met her, I talked about how I've been in a bad state due to my break up and some other things. Yes, I completely unloaded on her and she still invited me back to her place.

[Goodfellas]

I'm aware that I would be forcing myself, hence why I have little desire to do so. I was also asking as a way of getting into my ex's head after hearing about her wanting to have "fun" ... whatever that means.