Acceptance after the BU when it was pretty much all my fault

[Milsch]

I can't accept the break up and it's making me feel horrendous.

 

It was my fault we broke up. I never communicated my feelings to her for various complicated reasons, so she said (after she had done it) that she had had to distance herself emotionally and move on. I was (and am) totally in love with her, but I didn't tell her... I assumed she knew... I treated her well and spent as much time with her as possible. We were so, so good together - I've never had that level of connection with anyone before her and doubt I ever will again.

 

She is now (very quickly) with another guy - a guy who is giving her all the things I never did (commitment, an official relationship, promises, etc). She was friends with him before and I expect she told him how I didn't communicate, so now he is making sure he does it all very well!

 

After we broke up, but before she was with this new guy, we still hung out a few times and it was so good. We got on so well still, there was still attraction on both sides, etc.

 

I know I now have to move on, but I am finding it impossible to let go. I still think that if I see her, show her I really love her and that I want a serious relationship with her she might come back. I have told her - after the BU - that I love her, but I expect she just hears shallow words of desperation. And either way, she is no longer in love with me - she has moved on (although I do feel there is still a small element of doubt in her mind from our last interactions).

 

Even if I just cut contact with her and try to move on, there is a part of my mind that is doing it with the hope that we will reconcile if her relationship doesn't work out. I need to kill that hope, but I can't.

 

I keep getting urges to call her and try to see her and tell her one last time what I want: a proper relationship with her with communication and love. I know it's pointless and the thing that's stopping me is that I don't want to kill any lingering attraction so that if we do meet a year down the line, and she's single, that it might work...

 

God, it's all just so pathetic. Please help me - I feel I am destroying myself!

[Milsch]

I keep almost calling her... such a bad idea. Please someone reply... this is the worst I've felt since the BU. I thought I was getting to be OK again.

[Milsch]

Would calling her and asking her if there is anything I can do to get her back be ridiculous? What about if I also ask her if that might ever change in the future?

[KronicMan]

hey milsch, i been following your posts and were in similar situations. i would back off as hard as it is. my ex is with someone else as well and i asked her to work it out and still got shot down, its a horrible feeling. but think about it, do you really want a girl that will go to another guy, and maybe you say something magical, and have her come running back to you? it doesnt seem healthy. the only way i would try to get my ex back is if she was single, and if that never happens, i already accepted it. accept your mistakes and im sure you will never do it again because the pain is so bad, im right there with you.

[Milsch]

Thank you for replying. Not called her, yet anyway.

 

I agree... in theory. It's just that I can't accept it's over. In my stupid * * * * ing head, she might still come back to me if I show her that I am serious and not just messing her about (which is what she thought and why she ended it with me). I need to accept. And to accept, I think I need shooting down. It's so messed up. And part of me thinks that if I just go NC now, somewhere down the line she will come back to me if/when it doesn't work with this guy.

 

All the normal 'don't take her back if she's just split up with the guy she got with after dumping you' doesn't really make sense in my case. She left because she thought she had to, because she thought I was messing her around.

[KronicMan]

if our exs came running back i wouldnt jump into anything right away, because you would be going back to the old relationship. i would take it slow and maybe start off as friends and see if there is anything there. i think you know its already over, and it is hard to accept, and it takes a long time to accept. but seriously, do you want to hear what i heard?? im with someone else, there is no second chance, move on.....its not nice...

[Milsch]

You're right. In fact, I woke up this morning having dreamed that very conversation and that really sucked. But... in the back of my mind, I might still get back with her and that's causing me to stop moving on. I dunno what to do to be honest. I want to move on, but I also want to try to win her back by staying in touch. A sort of detached love... but I suppose that's pretty much impossible. Dude, thanks for replying anyway... I feel like no one can help me but myself.