Am I really that Ugly??

[Dougie_D]

I honestly get really down when people suggest that I need a better picture. I've tried. When I got this picture taken I really felt CONFIDENT in myself. I really thought that I looked good. I was proud. My hair and wardrobe was how a girl suggested I look. I guess she was just messing with me??

 

I am lost when trying to figure out what my best "Look" or "style" is. It seems like when I change something, there is something else that needs to be changed. Is it just EASIER for girls to see my flaws because I'm below average looking?

 

Also, I don't know exactly what "league" I'm in. I've talked to girls where I didn't think they were attractive but at the same time, they really just kind of blew me off. Maybe it's just my luck, but it seems like girls have EXTREME high standards than guys.

 

I've heard that girls want a guy that has a lot to offer them. What does that mean? A free meal? Trust? What makes these other guys better than me?

 

I'm just getting extremely down now. I feel like my MAJOR flaw is that I'm just NOT GOOD LOOKING! I feel like I'm always going to be the uglier dude in the room. Not the skinniest or fattest..but the uglier one.

 

I'm starting to realize that people like hanging out with me because it makes them feel good inside. They are all extremely good looking people. Sometimes, they even make jokes saying "Sometimes I am amazed that I'm even out in public with you.".

[LDRohnos]

Eh, don't worry about it too much. I photograph very poorly myself and always have. When I get a photo taken of myself (such as for an ID) I don't even bother looking at it because I know it will look like crap no matter how many times I take it. It's actually pretty funny. The guy who re-did my employee badge at the company I work for said "But your eyes are shut!" and I replied..."so?". Now I have an employee badge with my eyes shut in it. Could care less!

 

That said people have always told me I look 100 times better in person than I do in a picture...god knows why.

 

"Sometimes I am amazed that I'm even out in public with you.".

 

Sometimes these kind of jokes sting without them actually realizing that it hurt you. I joke around like that myself with people and I try not to anymore. Three rules in life I try to live by is to work hard, play hard and most importantly keep my damn mouth shut.

 

Looks aren't everything in this world and it's a shame if the people you hang out with put such a high priority on them. You can either find new people to pal around with or you can start doing things to better yourself... Gym/whatever.

[Moontiger]

I agree with LDR. I never like my photos and people have comment that I look different IRL than I do in my pictures.

 

This reminds me of something that will hopefully make you laugh. Its from a website called "The Oatmeal" link removed

Its better to be the person that looks better IRL then they do in a picture they took an hour to get after experimenting with lighting and angles.

[overcorrect]

Okay, this is me. I cannot stand to be in a store or out in public and see a reflection of myself. I shy away from mirrors and I usually don't like photos of myself. When I was younger, I wondered WHY IN HELL were all my buddies getting the cute girls and why I wasn't?! I felt like I should've been getting cute girls but they always drooled over my buddies.

That being said... in hindsight, I know now that was all in my head. Though I'm no fan of mirrors too much, I can easily "pull" some great looking women now that I'm divorced. I mean, they are all over the place. Ya see, when women are young (20's) they have this movie in their mind of what the perfect husband, house, career and life goals are. They are very finicky. Men do it as well. As you mature, you will find that you have swallowed a whole dose of life and reality and you'll be very grounded in yourself. The women around your age will too. That's when it gets really nice. I can tell you that it seems the vast majority of females 28+ in age have come to the realization that life isn't the utopia that Hollywood has made it to be. They actually aren't looking to "party" anymore and are more interested in you as a person. I'm 42 years old and women as young as 27 have expressed great interest in me... yup, that same guy that couldn't pull hide back in the day is now pulling very establish, intelligent, sexy and sophisticated women. It makes me stop looking for the perfect girl because I have the perfect girl. I have a 32 year old friend that is very well kept, clean and nice looking and he even complains he wants to live vicariously through me. He's not doing anything wrong at all, it's just the women he's after are a little in movie mode still and they don't see the obvious benefits he can offer. Just hang in there man. I promise that. You verbalized exactly how I used to think years back. It's just not true.

[BrowneyedMan]

Hey Dougie, I've noticed there are quite a few posts from you on the forum, with you asking questions about how to get it all together.

 

Ok, I've also noticed some people here nitpicking about your appearance. ..I'm a guy, but I think you look fine. You are a type, and your 'type' just exists in this world, alongside others. You're alright, man. And I personally do not think you're ugly ! You kind of remind me of the guys you see at Metal/Rock concerts, who love music and the latest developments in guitar technology or whatever. And they get their women. But they find them in their environment, i.e. at metal concerts, etc. ...not at fashion shows or in classy boutiques. And those girls find their guys "hot" ! There are so many different types of women out there, that there will be one who will come to find you dead-sexy. (-And that is all you need.-)

Everyone's taste is different. (e.g. I have a thing for slightly nerdy-looking Asian girls. My brother only goes for tall, conservative-looking blondes. All the while the media tells us Angelina Jolie is the hottest woman on earth. Well, she does zilch for me or my brother !) You're a type ! And that type isn't the lanky, feminine-faced 'heart-throb' that this decade seems to propagate, I'd say you're maybe more the strong yet gentle 'cuddle-bear' type. And there are many women out there who are looking for just that type. Honestly, I see guys who look similar to you in my city a lot, as they push their prams through the park, woman by their side.

 

So instead of always second-guessing yourself you want to learn to accept yourself and what you have to work with, and then carry on to make the most of that.

And give yourself credit for what you have, physically (a full head of hair by the looks of it, you're neither obese nor frail, haven't got a weird-shaped nose...) and personality-wise (e.g. I can imagine you're a really genuine, trustworthy, supportive and reliable guy - good women want these things in their man.)

 

And here's another thing: You can literally provoke people into telling you just what you want to hear. So if you keep posting questions here in which you demonstrate a ton of insecurity, self-doubt and frustration, and then invite people here to judge over you, based on only the negative things you mention about yourself and your life in your posts... it's as if you're provoking people into verifying to you what you already think. How's that ever gonna make you feel better ?! (so stop asking insecure questions like "am I really that ugly ?"..)

 

And it's the same in real life. Basically, you doubt yourself excessively, you WILL project it, in your whole behaviour, the things you say and the way you carry yourself. And people subconsciously and consciously pick up on it, and they just know that they are dealing with a pushover. Most people will then subconsciously take advantage of it, or turn away. And it is most certainly not attractive, to women or men. ..And that, my friend, is I believe your biggest problem.

 

So, dude, you look fine. So now I think is the time to do some serious work on your self-esteem. ..You esteem yourself highly, you will project it, you will set your boundaries, be assertive and command your respect. And people will notice it and respect it and respond accordingly. ...someone tells you something as rude as "Sometimes I am amazed that I'm even out in public with you", you turn away, leave them behind and won't speak to them again until they apologize.

You have to be convinced yourself that you're worthwhile, before you can ever really convince anyone, woman or man, that you are.

We all struggle with that more or less and it takes constant work. So don't think you're alone with that either.

 

Ok, I'll quit ranting at this point. Hope there was anything useful in it for you. Good luck !

[BrowneyedMan]

@ overcorrect: nice post !

[meoww]

I have some ideas for you. I think you have nice features actually, it's kind of a blurry photo but it doesn't seem like you have a huge nose or anything. I think you could easily improve your look if you stop gelling your hair and let it grow out a little bit, and get a nice hair cut. Also, if you currently dye your hair I suggest you stick to your natural color instead. I also think you'd benefit from losing about 20 pounds or so. I think that would really smooth out the appearance of your face and make you look more put together overall. I also think you may look better going for a clean shaven look rather than sporting the beard thing. I really think you would see a big improvement in your face if you lost weight--not to mention being in shape has a lot of other health benefits as well.

 

Like someone else said, attractiveness is subjective and people have varying preferences. The advice above really only applies to a more conventional look.

[giubilante]

A lot of people are rather shallow and judge people on their outward appearance and, while I think everyone should take care of themselves and make the most of the appearance they have, a warm smile or a kind word can go a lot further in many cases than superb looks. As a woman, I personally would far rather an average looking guy with a warm heart than a conceited 'heartthrob' type. In fact, I am in this type of relationship I am in now. Many people would consider my boyfriend to be 'below my standards'. Why? Because they are judging things on an appearance basis and I'm thought to be beautiful and he... well, he is 'just' an average guy. But, I am delighted with the guy I am with. Why? Because he makes me feel good, because I love him as a person, because we can communicate, [the list goes on].

 

Bottom line? I think who you are is a lot more important than what you look like. Also, another thing: being comfortable in the skin you're in IS attractive, no matter what your size, shape, or physical appearance.

 

Judging by your photo, I don't consider you ugly. You seem to go for a fairly casual look (nothing wrong with that). I personally don't go for the gelled hair look, but that is just a personal taste. I really don't think you have anything to worry about appearance wise. And believe me (and I blush for my gender) girls blow off guys for many reasons other than appearance. For all you know, they may be otherwise attached, have other personal tastes (you know how many young women swoon over Robert Pattinson? I do NOT understand that one). Also, different women look for different things in a guy, and you never know when someone is going to come along looking for someone like you.

[Stand Strong]

Yeah. To sum up a bit of what's been said. Many people are just shallow or have specific preferences. Sure some girls think your ugly, some girls think your okay, and some girls think your the hottest thing they've ever seen. Same with Brad Pitt (if he is even relevant anymore) It's the same for everybody. Just know that the girls that like you are probably afraid to approach you. Usually women just lust over the hot guy like men last over the hot girl. Then they find out they have terrible personalities (because many get "special" treatment of their looks so some turn out underdeveloped as people)

 

If you ever see a "hot" girl that is single, somebody got tired of her. So let the shallow ignore you so you find someone who actually cares to know who you are as a person. They are doing you a favor by filtering themselves from being apart if your life.

[blueidealist24]

You're not awful looking. You're not the hottest guy I've ever seen, but you're fine and guys who look like you or worse have girlfriends all the time. Like some other posters said, it's probably that you think you're ugly and that lack of confidence is coming accross to women. Btw, if someone told me they couldn't believe they were being seen in public with me, I'd say 'okay, don't go out with me in public then' and dump them as a friend. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.. it's not like you have three eyes and a nose half the size of your face or something.

[Polis]

Dougie_D you need to realize that yes looks to play a part in attraction but aren't the entire part. Personality, how you care for yourself, your career, etc... all play a portion in attraction.

 

I was just dumped by a hot girl that thought I was really sexy, but she left because I had health issues that caused her to lose attraction not because of my physical appearance. A selfish and short sighted reason but it wasn't about physical appearances.

 

On the flip side you can't ignore how you look, your physical appearance and what you wear. Wear clothes that fit you well and flatter your physical assets, ones that are in your "scene". Obviously, regardless of what "scene" you are in, guys who are physically fit are going to be more attractive than those that are not. I'm not saying you have to be muscle bound but as long as you do SOMETHING it should show. While some posters decry the whole physical appearance thing as shallow the bottom line is it is important.

 

Also, what is your personality like? Judging from your posts you might come off as too forceful and interested, your desire for a relationship easily seen. That may not be you but it's what I can glean.

[bulletproof]

I honestly get really down when people suggest that I need a better picture. I've tried. When I got this picture taken I really felt CONFIDENT in myself. I really thought that I looked good. I was proud.

 

I think that a lot of people were suggesting you get a better photo not because of your looks, but because the photo itself isn't good. Are we talking about the photo you're using here? Because it's blurry, your against a white wall like it's a mug shot, and there's nothing interesting happening in it. It tells us nothing about you. A lot of dating profiles will feature multiple pictures of the person doing something, like hiking, playing music, at an event, running a race. While those pictures can sometimes fail, too (there's a fine line between showing interests and bragging), they at least tell something about the person. Your profile photos should look like you put thought and time into them, because that indicates that you're serious about dating and want to make a good impression. So find a friend who knows how to use a camera, come up with some ideas, and put some effort into it.

[BrowneyedMan]

Dougie, I've been thinking about you and your 'physical attractiveness'-concerns again, and I had this idea: if you went to a gym and started to work out quite seriously (including adequate dieting and resting, etc.), you could probably become pretty strong and muscle-bound, judging by your basic build I can make out from your photo.

Now that is an instant turn-on to many women, and might well spare you a lot of effort in terms of 'game' (as they call it) and give you the confidence and 'cool' you need (because you will get more interest without even trying). If you did it, you might even end up being considered 'hot'... - just a thought I had.

[avatar194]

Dougie,you look fine.Honestly there's nothing wrong with you.You don't need to lose weight or get a haircut or whatever people tell you to do.I say make your appearance mirror who YOU are.

 

Honestly,maybe it's not about your appearance.Usually if a person feels low about how they look,it reflects on their attitude.Just try being happy and confident.Your good vibes will radiate off you and that will make girls want to talk to you or hold a conversation with you.(:

[Alezia]

Dougie, you've made more than 10 posts on this particular topic. I admire that you want to grow and improve on your own via ENotAlone, but have you considered going to see a professional that may help you in your dating path? I don't feel like we're able to provide the support you need via a forum.

[Generation]

You know what... I'm gonna be honest, I didn't think you were very good looking judging from your profile picture. Why? It's blurry.

Actually, I finally zoomed in and you're not bad looking. That picture does not do you justice. Or maybe that's what happens when it gets resized. See if you can play around with cropping it or making it clearer or something.

[johnnyp]

^^^This!!

 

I too have noticed that you post a lot of these kind of threads Dougie and TBH that's the problem! It's not your looks, it's all about your self-confidence. When you've got self-confidence, it doesn't really matter what you look like, as your charm and confidence is what will do the attracting. Looks are great to have but not the be all and end all. Once you stop obsessing about your flaws and focus more on your strengths, you'll start radiating that confidence and then the attraction will happen on its own.