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What happens now?


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My ex and I broke up almost 3 weeks ago. Things were pretty ugly when it ended because we were both going through some very serious things. We lost a baby a week prior to the split and we both took it very hard. On top of that, I was getting frustrated with him because I felt guilty that he was spending all this time on me and "half-assing" his schooling, so I started pushing him away hoping he would get things straight.


Things came to blow and he called me up one day telling me he couldn't do "this" anymore. I asked him why and he couldn't really give me a reason except that he didn't love me anymore. I told him I didn't understand because we just saw each other the night before and we were completely fine. This guy was completely head over heels in love with me, sometimes I think he was more then me. I hung up and completely blocked him out. A few days later I got a message from him saying that he was sorry and that the way he has been acting isn't him at all. I just told him I was disappointed. He went on to say he was sorry for treating me this way and that it just hurts too much to talk to me because he loves me so much. I simply just replied back that I wanted my space for awhile. He got offended by this for whatever reason, and I never bothered responding back.


Two weeks went by and I finally got the guts to email him and let him know how I was feeling. I didn't expect him to read it, but I felt like it was something I needed to do to finally let go. My email contains a tracker because of my job and sends me notifications of what time the email was opened and how many times. A few days later I received one saying he had read it. And then two more the next day, but no response. I left it go until this past Thursday when I emailed him asking if I could get my things back over the weekend. I never got a response until Saturday evening saying that he could meet me somewhere. I responded back with a time and an okay.


Saturday evening I met him at the local grocery store parking lot (funny, because that's where we first met each other). He walked over to my truck and handed me a bag of my things. I opened it up, but none of the things I actually wanted back were in there. He said he "forgot" to bring them. I'm not sure how he could of because they're articles of my clothing that have my last name all over them. I got pretty upset and told him I'd give him his when I got the rest of mine. He started to walk away and I finally just gave in and handed his things to him.


He started to get into his truck when he kind of hesitated. I just simply asked him if that was it. He looked upset. I wasn't planning on bringing anything up that happened between us and I'm sure he wasn't either but it happened anyways. I sat in my truck while he stood in the freezing cold apologizing to me and that none of what he said to me while all this happened was how he truly felt. I told him I was just disappointed because I felt like we actually had something. He said we did, but just so much was going on that his head is spinning. I told him I wouldn't have been upset if he would have just flat out told me he needed some time to himself for awhile, and he said that he was afraid if he told me that I'd be angry. I told him I don't care what happens as long as he's happy.


I told him I was just upset by the situation because I know that even though we both don't want to admit it, we both truly care about each other. He told me that he read my letter and that it meant so much to him that I took so much time to do that and then reached through my window and hugged me. I wasn't expecting it at all and I finally hugged him back and apologized to him and told him I'm here for him. He said he's sorry for pushing me away and that he won't do it again. He was really upset and just kept hugging me until I finally pulled back. We talked a little more about things and us needing space from each other and he hugged me a couple more times and kept putting his hand on my arm. I told him I had to go and I asked if that was okay and he shook his head yes and said I'll see you around soon.


I guess I'm just confused. The entire thing just completely threw me off my path that I was headed down. I had it down to the point where I basically convinced myself things were over and I didn't care anymore. I've always had a really strong connection with him ever since I met him and I could definitely feel it all coming back Saturday. I'm not in a rush with anything because I know right now this is what's best for us, but I feel like he is second guessing everything he did prior to that. I still love him and I know he loves me too, but at this point I've been able to be so strong because I figure if we're meant to be together we will, and no matter what happens in between none of that will matter. I know I can't sit around and put my life on hold and I haven't done that at all, but there's still a huge piece of me holding on to him. I feel like if we both use this time by ourselves wisely it could really strengthen the bond we have with each other, or if not it could just completely destroy everything. I'm supposed to see him again this weekend to get the rest of my things. I feel like he had the whole only having half my stuff planned out. I'm not really sure how to handle it.

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