Tomuch2hope Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Apologies, if this has been asked 100's of times before. I have a plan to win to try my ex back. We're NC for a few weeks now and I plan on keeping that way for another while yet. But I'd still like to have some sort of game plan in place for if and when the time comes when we make contact. See, I have a tiny piece of hope of getting back together, because my ex broke up with me because she just got burnt out trying to maintain the relationship and I can empathise with her because I got burnt out trying to maintain things in work.. (different scenario's, but both would feel like your banging your head against the wall). In a short space of time I have done all the things I told my ex I would do when we were together. I couldn't / wouldn't have done these things without the 'kick in the ass' I recieved when she broke it off as my focus was directed elsewhere. I had become entreached before that, that I was unable to see above the parapet and that kick in the ass, opened my eyes to what I was doing. I really believe her reasons for breaking up were the truth and there was no GIGS involved, but before I break NC, how to I explain, show or whatever that the thought of us not sharing our lifes together was the wake up call I needed and now that I know how my actions caused to feel hurt enough to end things I will never allow myself to do that again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angler Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Try to avoid thinking of it as a "plan" or some sort of strategic, tactical mission, you know? I've been forcing myself to look only at me - what issues need improvement? I don't have a plan, I have a laundry list! In brief, you said she broke up with you for not doing the things she wanted right? Think of it this way: She's asked for space, and it's the last thing she's asked of you lately, so if you're serious about showing her you've heard her, and can give her what she wants, you'd better give her this one. I feel for you man, I'm going through similar stuff. Stay under the radar. Work on yourself. Learn as much as you can from this, and let her make contact if/when she's ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 Try to avoid thinking of it as a "plan" or some sort of strategic, tactical mission, you know?. I only used the word plan because I thought it was the best way to describe what one of my goals is I've been forcing myself to look only at me - what issues need improvement? I don't have a plan, I have a laundry list! In brief, you said she broke up with you for not doing the things she wanted right? Think of it this way: She's asked for space, and it's the last thing she's asked of you lately, so if you're serious about showing her you've heard her, and can give her what she wants, you'd better give her this one. I feel for you man, I'm going through similar stuff. Stay under the radar. Work on yourself. Learn as much as you can from this, and let her make contact if/when she's ready. Not so much want she wanted, but more like 'we' weren't were she hoped we would be after been together for so long.. Thanks man, it means a lot coming from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I fear that the things you have done as a result of the "kick in the a$$" will be resented by your ex and I will tell you why...often when we do things they wanted us to do during the relationship as a result of the break-up, its looked at as "too little too late" and that your means for doing them is only to get them back. You're ex will see right through it (even if your understanding is sincere) and she will think "It shouldnt had come to me ending our relationship to get him to respond to my needs" Keep in mind, your ex came to a painful decision that most likely was long thought out and agonized over, and in the end she chose the pain of the break-up. That says how severe things had gotten too. She isnt gonna just forget the agony of that decision simply because you finally did the things she wanted you to do before things went bad. She will resent you for making her even have to come to that decision because you have now shown her you were capable of fulfilling her requests, just you were unwilling until the break-up forced you too. Also, scrap the "plan" they always backfire. Just do the best you can to be you and be sincere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 @ Edmund Exley... Yeah, I worry about appearing like I was just waiting until it was over before I got my ass in gear. And yes, your comment about how she would have agonized over the decision to basically break her own heart will not work in my favour. She is a very passonate and caring person and I do really think she might just see it as I said. Just some people do need a push or in my case a kick to see things clearly... Lastly, how can I be sincere when she might resent me for finally getting my finger out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 She broke up with you because you had to focus on work? Poor baby. She sounds immature. Sometimes relationships take a back seat to earning money to keep a roof over your head, but people who aren't used to supporting themselves don't always see it that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 The way to be sincere is simple.... No action should ever be made with the thinking of what result it will have on your chances of getting her back are. Take care of doing what you need to improve what you feel needs to be improved as a result of your experience. Sincere is doing things you feel need done, not because someone else felt they needed done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autumnleaves Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I don't agree. I ended things with my ex for the simple reason he couldn't see where he was at fault & what he needed to do to change. There were issues on both sides, we both had faults & both made mistakes. However all I ever got from him was a list of all my faults what i had done wrong & what I needed to do to change. We were going round in circles. For a relationship to work it takes BOTH of you to realise your faults & BOTH of you to change. It's a combined effort. I walked away in January hoping that giving him time to think & see what he had to lose would make him open his eyes. I can't be with someone who constantly blames me for all the problems yet is in denial of his own. It would never work. I have had some contact over the months but all i'm still getting is a list of my faults. I will not contact him, nor make any move into getting back together, it has to come from him, until he's ready to stop the denial & admit his part I don't want to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 She broke up with you because you had to focus on work? Poor baby. She sounds immature. Sometimes relationships take a back seat to earning money to keep a roof over your head, but people who aren't used to supporting themselves don't always see it that way. No, I had a lot of problems with my employers. When my hours were cut and became unstable I had to use my savings to top up my end of the rent and in the end had to move back to our parents. I wouldn't get paid on time or sometimes not at all. Requests for time off would be unreasoniblity refused or on one occasion granted and then the day before taking back. I got to the point where I couldn't look forward to doing anything, because I always had the shadow of doubt whether or not I would be able to follow through on those plans. Once, we planned a holiday and the day before we were due to go I had to collect my pay and it wasn't there.... In fairness to her, she never once complained. I would always say, I'll going to quit that job, and go into business for my self, but never did. It is very difficult to explain,but the constant crap in work just wore me down to the point were I just gave up and excepted that this is my life... Silly now, I know. When we broke up, she told me it was like a weight had been lifted of her. A few days later I quit that job, just marched up to the boss and told him to stick it!!! And it felt so good.... because it felt like I had been released, like a new day had dawned and I was somehow free to do whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted. As luck would have it, I got a new job a few days later, one I had applied for months before. (sometimes you can't grow roses without horse * * * * ) The way to be sincere is simple.... No action should ever be made with the thinking of what result it will have on your chances of getting her back are. Take care of doing what you need to improve what you feel needs to be improved as a result of your experience. Sincere is doing things you feel need done, not because someone else felt they needed done. What I'm doing is something I've wanted to do for me for ages. I feel I've been giving / made the break in life I needed, I just regret it came a little late to save our relationship. I always maintained our current circumstances were purly because of the lack of security in work. When we had to live our appartment I could see how hurt I made her and I never wanted to see that look again. It basically was the look of 'oh no, I've backed the wrong horse with this guy'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 And if she thinks its too little to late, then its back to NC but at least I will have the circumstances I created. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angler Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Wait, did you break NC? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 Wait, did you break NC? No... we had a small amount of LC within the first week to 10 days of BU.. but its been 100% NC since then Why do you ask? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angler Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 And if she thinks its too little to late, then its back to NC but at least I will have the circumstances I created. Ah, just this post made it sound like you contacted / were about to contact her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 No. I posted that because I couldn't edit the one before. I am doing this for me, and if I can sweep her of her feet on the way, well that would just be a bonus. We the last time we spoke or how any contact was after I'd left the job. The only contact before that we by text, because I wanted her to know I understood how she felt, walking away from our relationship because I believed I had the same feeling walking from the job.........Relieve that I had finally done what I felt I needed too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angler Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Okay good. Chin up, full steam ahead. Succeed in your next job, work out, do new stuff, read Al Turtle's website front to back. Leave'r alone. Trust that this is the best you can do...as hard as it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 Thanks Angler.... I'm going to leave her alone and let her get on with her own things, and maybe she might miss the little things I did for her or the things we did together. Like I said in another post, I just want her to make a dicision based on the real ME and not the one I accidently turned into... But until then..... tally ho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jfLip Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Let's say he didn't contact you at all and he fixed his problems for his own good. Would you want him to "chase" you or do you think you would initiate contact? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyGodmother Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Seriously, once you've broken up it can never be the same again, even if you so end up getting back together. Just learn from the mistakes that occurred in this relationship, and move on with your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 I'd have to disagree, and not just for the sake of disagreeing. Seems there is a difference between when people break up through cheating, abuse or GIGS etc. The ones that seem to come back around are the ones were people just believe they want different things at the time of the break up. Sometimes people just need to take a step back and see the tree's for wood's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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