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best of my love


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I've been dating this guy for a few months now. I guess, to say that he hinted at us being more than just lovers from moment we met, is to say the least. I've had some rough past relationships. I'm tainted is the safest definition. This guy knew I had it rough, but that didn't matter to him. He was always real with me and he was always so good to me. He was the best.


So, I can say that I only messed up once in our relationship. It was a complicated affair and it only happened once, but I felt like crap the moment after and I only wanted him.


The thing is, I'm not sure where we stand, and what exactly we were to each other. He always called me his girl, and said things like "my other girlfriends" if we talked about something of the sort...but we never explicitly said what we were. He was my dude. He was my boo. He was an extension of my heart. We're alike in so many ways, and we have a lot of the same opinions and views. I didn't mind just sitting on the couch and watching tv with him. That was the thing though, thats all we ever did.


I figured at some point, we would progress, but it was always the same old sh**. We did talk about doing stuff together, but when it came down to it, it never happened. We even talked about meeting my friends this past weekend...but then it happened.


I tried to get a hold of him Thursday. Nothing. Friday, I waited for him, but nothing. So I woke up Saturday, hoping that we could go through with our plans of hanging out only for him to say he's working, exhausted and going home after work. I just let it go and hang out with my friends. Saturday evening, I tried contacting him again, but nothing. Sunday, I felt like I had a sinking hole in my chest. Today I woke up feeling the same way.


I may have overreacted. I deleted his number. But thats not saying much because I have it memorized.


So, considering my history, of course this behavior is unacceptable. Especially since, even if in the past he didn't respond right away, he did get back to me. I haven't heard a thing from him since Saturday.


I keep having these like visions of him hanging out with another girl, giving all his time to her, doing what we do. Or worse doing what we didn't do...like taking her out. I went out Saturday, and prayed I wouldn't see him anywhere with another girl. I have a huge problem with cheating. Who doesn't. But the fact that I met him while I was out, he works at a bar, and I barely know what he does when he not with me or working, it heightens my suspicion. I try to act like i don't care, but I do. Once, I thought I saw him out with his friends, and it was like someone punched me in the chest. But it wasn't him nor were they any of his friends I know.


The thing is, its only been a few days. He could've just been incredibly busy or stressed. Sometimes you have those days when you don't want to be around anyone. Whatever excuse, I still feel betrayed and hurt. He could've just told me that, instead of totally ignoring me. I've been considering if he does contact me again. I have this feeling that he will. He'll have some lame excuse and I'll listen, but what will I do?

I don't want to let this go yet. I'm not ready to lose him. But I don't want to be the one doing all the work. I don't want to be the one who gets hurt. But at this point, I've realized that I'm going to get hurt no matter what. I'm at a point, if I keep going, I know I will hurt that much worse because even now, I hurt so bad. I can handle this hurt though. But what will it be like in the future, if things don't work out? I know it will be terrible. I just don't want that hurt, but he's worth it. If i continue with this, it has to be different.

I'm just really hurt right now, and I just wanted some sort of feedback about the situation. Any thoughts on getting hurt in a relationship and moving past that? I guess I sort of let the hurt fester until I'm bitter, but I don't want that with this guy. Do you think he will contact me again? What can make a guy do this to you, when a few days before, he was a like a kitten in your lap?

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It sounds like you are not ready for a relationship with anyone because you are still recovering from the toxic stuff in your past. It is impossible to second guess why he did what he did but you hint at least one incident that went badly.


Continue giving him his space and if he contacts you again, you can have a conversation with him. Calmly. It could be that he because busy with other commitments or he just needed to back off and evaluate where things were going with you. Nothing wrong with him having a change of heart. We do not always get the fully story when someone changes course.


Your goal in all this is to stay fluid and not get wound up into an anger ball. I am still trying to figure out how you are so hurt over what seemed to be a very limited involvement between you two. You are really having a strong internal dialog about your hurt and disappointment that is coloring things. This is not constructive where you tell yourself toxic things like "its the same old stuff all over again.... i have a hole in my chest.... i have been betrayed...i get hurt no matter what..." Can you see how you might have driven him away?


You have yourself so worked up that you got upset when you thought you saw him on the street with friends. And it was not even him!! You need to calm down and stop the horrible internal dialog. Do more work on yourself so you can handle disappointments in love with more grace in the future. Is there a therapist that you can discuss all this with?

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Yea I'm giving him his space.

I guess maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship. This stuff always seems to come back to me. But I'm trying to not let it define me. It just seems to come out at times when I'm feeling hurt or misunderstood. I guess subconciously I use it as a defense mechanism, or a warning. I have very little trust thats why I'm so hurt over this. I guess I just put too much into it at the start and I need to try to just take it one day at a time. Thats what I've been trying to do, but on the inside, I must be putting a lot more into than I should. I didn't think I would take it this way either.

At this point, Im just doing what I do and letting him do his thing. But I think you're right to a certain point.

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