He smokes and im an anti smoker.

[Madison_91]

I know that when you love someone you are supposed to accept them for their flaws but i'm afraid my boyfriend of one year has two flaws I'm having a hard time accepting; Drinking - because he used to have a problem and smoking - it smells gross, taste gross, is bad for our health and is expensive.

 

In the beginning I didn't say much about his smoking but then he decided to quit and I told him how happy I was about it. at the time we were talking about moving in together and since he first quit I told him I will not live with a smoker. well everytime he'd get drunk and have a smoke i'd freak out and I smelled smoke on him last night and got him to admit he smoked. it really hurts whenever he smokes because he knows how much i hate it and it makes me wonder if he even cares enough to live with me.

 

How do I handle this? I hate getting mad at him for it but i just can't stand it. its almost a deal breaker.

[OptomisticGirl]

You went into this relationship knowing he was a smoker, knowing it could lead to living together and marriage - if smoking was that bad for you then you shouldn't have started a relatoinship with him because there was no guarnatee he would ever quit. If you hate smoking then don't be with hiim because it's not fair to push what you want (ie, him to quit) if he really doesn't because then he's only going to do it behind your back.

[sidehop]

There could be other issues as well that he's battling if not recognizing that this not only hurts you but he is not doing well when it comes to quitting his addiction. You can get mad all you want but you'll only push him away. Either you two need to come up with a way to discuss this as grown adults and if he's willing to try harder to quit for his own good then be there for him. Much like other bad addiction of sort you can't push someone into quitting or changing their habits.

 

If the problems persist and both of you can't work this out then you need to decide if you can tolerate his behavior or call it quits.

[Madison_91]

I have never once pushed him in to deciding to quit. He made that decison 100% on his own and I was very supportive in the beginning but it's getting harder. I'm extremely dissapointed in him because he was on a 5 month streak of no smoking when he got drunk one night at gave in and now he's starting all over again. He stays with me on the weekends and I don't really want him in my bed if he smells like smoke. Would it be wrong of me or childish to tell him he can't stay here till he manages to sucessfuly go a week or two without smoking?

[OptomisticGirl]

I have never once pushed him in to deciding to quit. He made that decison 100% on his own and I was very supportive in the beginning but it's getting harder. I'm extremely dissapointed in him because he was on a 5 month streak of no smoking when he got drunk one night at gave in and now he's starting all over again. He stays with me on the weekends and I don't really want him in my bed if he smells like smoke. Would it be wrong of me or childish to tell him he can't stay here till he manages to sucessfuly go a week or two without smoking?

 

What you have to understand is quitting smoking isn't a one stretch thing. He's going to have set backs. My mother has been smoking for 30 some odd years and has 'quit' a number of times. Before success you always have failures. If you don't want smoke in your house that is your right but you have to remember this isn't easy for him. Some people can quit and never look back, others can't. Just try to be supportive of the fact he IS trying to quit and he will have set backs.

[Seraphim]

What you have to understand is quitting smoking isn't a one stretch thing. He's going to have set backs. My mother has been smoking for 30 some odd years and has 'quit' a number of times. Before success you always have failures. If you don't want smoke in your house that is your right but you have to remember this isn't easy for him. Some people can quit and never look back, others can't. Just try to be supportive of the fact he IS trying to quit and he will have set backs.

 

I agree. Over 90% of people have set backs with quitting addictions and smoking is a very intense addiction for some people. Just be supportive. You do not have to have smoke in your home but do not be super hard line with him and shut him out of affection because he smokes. That is a pretty sure way to drive him away and lets him know no matter how hard he tries it is never good enough. Just remember addictions are not something easily got rid of.

[thejigsup]

Here's my take on it. You don't like smoking. That's good! I hate smoking myself, BUT, I will never, ever, ever, date a smoker! It's one of my lines in the sand. Many, many, years ago, I used to be a smoker, a heavy smoker at that, and when I wanted to quit, really wanted to, it wasn't that hard at all. I made up my mind, smoked my last cigarette, and just quit. If you try and fail (and I did that a few times) it's because you are being nagged into quitting, you don't want to get cancer, or any of the other reasons you should quite. BUT, until you are TOTALLY dedicated to the idea of quitting, you really won't be successful. If your are into quitting with your heart and soul, it really isn't that difficult at all.

 

Don't bug him to quit. He won't do it just for you, he can't. This would be like someone starting to date an overweight person and then asking them to lose weight. Not fair. Tell him you tried, but you can't handle his smoking and tell him to look you up if he ever quits. Don't ask him to quit, that won't work. Just end things and see if he wants to quit on his own.

[Fudgie]

This guy was a smoker long before you guys got together. I know that he's trying to quit but he is under NO obligation to quit, for you. It's actually really difficult to quit smoking and if he does, it will have to be on his own terms. If you get naggy and resentful, your relationship will only suffer and end.

 

If you are so anti-smoking though, it would be wise for you not to date a smoker, period. Don't be with someone hoping that they will change. He was this way before you got with him. You need to learn either to accept it or move on.

 

I smoke the occasional cigar/hookah but definitely not everyday and I hate cigs. Daily cigarette smoking would be a dealbreaker for me. You're right - the smell gets everywhere. Not to mention that it's cancer-causing and very expensive.

[Madison_91]

I won't nag at him or get upset when he has a cigg but is it too much to ask that he doesn't come over if he know's he'll smell like smoke? I got used to the smell in the beginning of our relationship and then he quit and now the smell seriously irks me, and I just got a new place so i don't want him stinking it up...

[OptomisticGirl]

I won't nag at him or get upset when he has a cigg but is it too much to ask that he doesn't come over if he know's he'll smell like smoke? I got used to the smell in the beginning of our relationship and then he quit and now the smell seriously irks me, and I just got a new place so i don't want him stinking it up...

 

You have every right to ask him not to come over if he's smoking - but just be prepared to do all the traveling to his place.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure that you're supposed to "accept" things that are incompatible with your values or standards of health or whatever. Smoking and drinking were and would be dealbreakers for me too, as would lying about usage.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, I can't/won't accept smoking either... it's a dirty habit and i have terrible allergies, so i won't date a smoker.

 

You need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not, and tell him if it is. Tell him you just can't live with a smoker so this will go nowhere if he continues to do so, and he needs to decide whether he will quit or not. If he doesn't quit, then you'll have to break up with him...

 

Some things are just non-negotiable, and you have to decide whether this is one of them, and stick to your boundaries if you decide you can't date a smoker.

[Snny]

Don't bug him to quit. He won't do it just for you, he can't. This would be like someone starting to date an overweight person and then asking them to lose weight. Not fair. Tell him you tried, but you can't handle his smoking and tell him to look you up if he ever quits. Don't ask him to quit, that won't work.

I second this. Smoking is a major deal breaker for many people, especially with me. If it's affecting your health, you don't have to ever put up with it.

[abitbroken]

When I met my ex, I somehow thought the things that things I found not favorable were things I had to adjust to accept. I think that you are doing the same thing. Ahead of time, you decided that you cannot live with a smoker and you hate it and you would prefer not to be with someone who abuses alcohol. Those are two very reasonable things. When he tried to quit, you could think this was a sign that you made the right decision to stick with him. I suggest that before anything more serious happens that you end this relationship. It clearly is something that is very large between the two of you. Some couples have the agreement that smoking only occurs outdoors, but sneaking cigarettes, etc are a sign of a different issue. And to me, the former alcohol trouble bothers me more. I think this relationship is early on enough to throw this one back into the sea. Its not like you were married 20 years and he started smoking all of the sudden. If you stick with it, DO NOT move in together at this time. Only move in someone who you are engaged/married to - but if you believe in living together - make it someone who you know you want to spend the rest of your life with and not someone who you want to live with just to 'see" if things will change.