Am I over reacting?

[mimerelli]

Hi,

 

Theres an issue which my partner and I can't see eye to eye on. I really need to know if i'm over reacting or if i'm within my right be be upset.

 

We've been together for 5 years, living together for 2. Generally we are very happy together and I love him like nothing else.

I worked a night shift on saturday night and came home on sunday morning to find he wasn't there but his car was. I figured he's gone out but his phone was off and there were no messages/notes to say where we was. He came back at around 3pm (I had been very very worried and not slept after my shift) on sunday and said he'd been drinking at a strangers house - and at that point I was angry he hadnt contacted me (no battery) but would get over it. Long story short I found out this 'stranger' was a girl he'd met at in a club (which is on the street we live on, so could have come home) and they'd gone back to her house together to carry on drinking. He says nothing happened and I believe him. However, it still doesnt sit right with me and in some way I still feel betrayed. Am I over reacting or is it right of me to ask him not to do it again? He doesnt see what the problem is and doesn't appreciate me 'telling him off'. Im very confused and could really do with some impartial advice. Is it ok for a man/woman to spend the night with the opposite sex drinking when in a long term relationship or is it somehow morally not right?

 

I'd like to hear from men and women. Mature answers only.

 

Thanks

Mimerelli

[Bunney]

I think this is very strange and I wouldn't be okay with this at ALL, to be honest I'd question my bf's loyalty very much if he ever did something like this. Totally disrespectful IMO. Ask him how he would feel if you went home to some random guy, drinking?

 

You are very trusting believing him that nothing happened. I dont think guys would do stuff like this unless they are sexually interested and attracted to the girl.

 

edit to add: just read that he actually wasn't with her just in the afternoon, but had already been there in the early morning hours/night? Uhm, hun sorry but guys dont go home with a girl they meet at the club just to "talk" or whatever, IMO it's very likely he slept with her..

[JLKLEE]

I would NOT be ok if I found out that my boyfriend had met a girl out at a club and then went home with her to continue drinking/sleep over at her house, REGARDLESS if they did anything or not. In fact, I would probably break up with him. That is SO disrespectful.

 

Based on what you say, he could have walked home.

[mimerelli]

Just to add - not sure if this makes a difference or not - the girl was a friend of someone he works with. But still, he says this is the first time he'd met her.

[Bunney]

Does not change it at all. Did they have such wonderful conversation that he just HAD to go to her place to continue hanging out? Did he give you any reasons as to WHY he felt the need to go home to her? I would be so furious in your shoes.

[mimerelli]

He says they both wanted to carry on partying. The other two people they were with went home. I completely agree that it's not on and really am so angry. He really doesnt see why i'm upset and I almost walked out last night. I'm sure other women and men don't see this as acceptable behaviour but he completely disagrees. I need to know i'm not being uptight or alternatively if i'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

Really would appreciate any views...

[livelarge]

If something wasn't fishy, he would have told you immediately he was drinking at a girl's house. Instead he purposely chose "stranger's house." And honestly nobody appreciates being yelled at even when they know they are wrong, he's just diverting your attention away from the real issue which is what he did and why he couldn't tell you that he did it.

 

And somebody somewhere had a working phone. He could have left a message if he wanted to. It's obvious that his priority that night wasn't you.

[april15]

I wouldn't do this. I would be angry if my wife did this.

[RedDress]

The other two people they were with went home.

 

That was his cue to leave.

 

I'm all for partying it up and staying out all night if there were a bunch of them there. If they had ALL gone back to her house to have a few more drinks? Party on! But just him and her? No, no, no. He should have known this was inappropriate when his other friends left. What do you think his buddies think happened? If a guy and a girl leave a bar together, EVERYONE knows what's on the agenda.

 

I'm sorry... but I think you are being very naive. What do you think they were doing? Playing checkers?

[qwertyukl]

Oh I'm sorry your boyfriend has done this to you. I don't think you are overreacting AT ALL. Even if no sex was involved at all - he was still being completely disrespectful to you. If he doesnt understand and doesnt apologise to you for this then I would say walk away. He will only do it to you again if you dont.

 

I do feel for you, I really do.

[BlueEagle]

This is disturbing. He's gone during the night and staying over at another woman's place and his phone was dead (battery conveniently dead). He didn't want contact with you or anyone else which just elevates the level of suspicion. The red flags have to be going up like crazy.

 

Look, when you enter into a committed, exclusive relationship you set boundaries. You know right from wrong, even if by remote chance they didn't do anything physical. It's besides the point. The point is he should have never put himself in that position in the first place. He has a girlfriend of five years that he's lived with for two years and he goes back to her place to continue drinking! We all know that drinking loosens inhibitions, too. And it wouldn't even matter if you had only been together for a week, let alone five years. His loyalty to you is suspect. If he can't set boundaries to what is appropriate and what is inappropriate while being in a relationship then he's not taking it seriously enough to be worth your time. What if the shoe was on the other foot? How would he react if you spent the night at some guy's place and had your phone turned off and didn't come home until mid-afternoon? He'd be very upset, and rightfully so. Healthy boundaries and respect are two glaring things that are badly missing from this relationship. This should be absolutely unacceptable to you.