Damaged and paranoid... or am I onto something? What's normal? I need advice...

[starcrossed]

I need advice from someone "healthier" than me. To make a long story short, I have been in four relationships previously that have ended in disaster: first it was a compulsive liar, then bestiality, then an abusive drug addict, and then a cheater. So I REALLY know how to pick 'em! I need some advice from more clear-thinking individuals.

 

After a move and some time to myself, I have started dating again. There is a man that I am interested in, but as of a couple weeks ago, there have been some "red flags", if they are "red flags" at all or just my baggage.

 

*** I met this guy on a dating site!!!

 

This guy is everything that my past exes have NOT been. He is hardworking, dedicated, ambitious, religious, and seems amazing. We have a LOT of chemistry and he keeps me laughing. He wants a relationship with me, but I do not want to enter into another really bad situation and have my heart broken again.

 

We see each other about once a week which is fine...but He doesn't answer his texts. I might text him once a day or so, and sometimes he wont even reply. I might say, "Good morning, hope you are doing well!" and not get a reply until 12hours-a day or two later. Usually this wouldn't bother me, but I can't help but wonder why when he always has his phone on him and spends a lot of time on the computer.

 

Then, I added him to my Facebook. He told me he never uses Facebook, even though when I found it there was recent activity on it. I approached him a few days ago and said teasingly, "You need to accept my friend request!" He told me that he never uses Facebook (even though he has 200+ friends) and left it at that.

 

DISCLAIMER: My last ex cheated on me through our entire relationship, and apparently his girlfriend was on his Facebook. I would never know, because he never accepted my request and then later hid his profile from view.

 

When he told me that he doesn't use his Facebook, my heart sank a little. I had added him a few days previous and knew better.

 

Then, I did something I should not have done. I "snooped" on his public friends list (again, I know my baggage isn't good but it is what it is)...

 

There is a girl on his friends list with HIM in the profile, her hand placed on his chest, and they are both dressed in formals. It is her profile pick and I recognized him immediately while I was looking at his friends list. She is a few years younger than me and lives in the area... She also goes to his church. I find it odd that he is in HER profile picture???

 

I feel bad for snooping on his friends list... but I've been through this before. My heart started racing, because I'm starting to really like the guy! But I am not sure how to handle this...

 

Am I over-reacting? Should I be worried about any of this? The lack of communication (wishing him good morning or good night and never getting a response, asking him out but he is always doing homework)? The guy is taking two classes at a nearby college (same as her), but he is ALWAYS doing homework. And he spends a LOT of time online, especially on sites like LinkedIN

 

What he tells me is one thing... but talk is cheap!

 

Am I being crazy??? Is it too much to ask that he at least drops me a line, wishes me goodnight?? I don't know what is normal anymore!!!

[YakasJourney]

I'm a big fan of people who don't use facebook, so I can't fault him there. In fact I have had to tell people before, "I don't use facebook". Yea I still had my profile up from when I was younger but I never used it. I've since deleted it. I don't know, personally I think it is a sign of good character when someone doesn't use it. However, that doesn't mean other people he knows won't put up photos of him, etc. And you can't just automatically jump to conclusions about someone before you even know them. If you really like this guy, and he seems worthy of trust, then continue and see what happens. I know you have been lied to in the past, but that doesn't mean everyone is dishonest.

[starcrossed]

Thanks! I know that you are right... I need to let go and trust... I have been dating him for a few weeks now and I just find myself really liking the guy. It's scary... and then finding that girl on his friends list bothered me a little bit with her profile pic. It could be nothing, maybe they are just really good friends. Who knows. Maybe he is just a really busy guy. It's hard, trusting! I am realizing I have some major baggage... I am trying to figure out the best way to handle my anxieties... It just brought back some bad memories. I don't want to make the same mistake twice, being too naive and not paying attention, you know?

[offplanet]

Hold back a bit till you know him better. He might not be letting you know all about his life yet. You could ask him why he doesn't reply to your texts, too. I wouldn't like to see you get hurt again.

[starcrossed]

I will certainly hold back. When I asked about the lack of communication, he told me that he simply gets distracted with work or school. Apparently other people complain that he is not much of a texter. But even a phone call every now and then or just a simple "goodnight" would suffice. But who knows... I will tread lightly.

[Rosee]

Hmm, he could be replying to those texts very easily if he wanted to ..and saying he wasn't on facebook but has 200 friends on there? I don't use it but how does that happen? Something's not quite right imo.

[YakasJourney]

No no, don't jump to conclusions. People say the same thing about me...I don't use facebook, I'm not much of a texter. I don't answer my phone when I get really busy with school and work. That says nothing about how I feel about someone and how I treat the people that are important to me.

[Batya33]

He might sign on by accident or automatically at times but not "use" facebook. I think it's very strange that she has their photo up but he doesn't, so I would just take things at a reasonable pace and if he wants to be more serious with you and exclusive you can gently broach the subject again.

[starcrossed]

Thanks for all of the wonderful advice. Time will tell, right? I just need to be careful... see how things go. It is VERY early anyway compared to my past long-term relationships. I just don't know if I was being reasonably concerned or just paranoid. I feel better now, though!