ellebellee Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Hi, I'm new here but I thought I'd ask for some advice. Me and my ex boyfriend broke up about 3 months ago. We've never really had a conversation since and neither have I seen him in person, even though I easily could as I live near him and he studies at a college near mine. It seemed like he was doing his best to avoid me completely after we broke up. Every time I arranged a time to meet up to return each others belongings, (which was only the real contact on my behalf) he always agreed, but then he never followed through. He did this about 3 times. He also deleted me off Facebook a couple of months ago too. It has probably been the darkest 3 months of my life. I'm sure most of you know that horrendous pain that comes with a break up of you and your true love. It sounds awfully cheesy, but I really believe this guy is my soulmate. He even has admitted that the fact he moved to the UK was because fate brought him to me. (Yuck, I know I know he believed that I was the one for him too. So, I haven't really spoke to him for a long time. I miss him like crazy. It seems like everyone I know seems to bump into him but me. My best friend runs into him a lot. Even my mother sat next to him on the bus and they had a discussion about me, where he asked her how I was and things of that nature. I always run into his brother and his friends, but never him. I really want to speak to him, I really want us to get back together. I've never played the desperate or needy card when the relationship ended and heck, neither will I start now, but I don't know what to say. He is a really stubborn guy. He knows his own mind and is one of those people who make a decision and stick with it. He recently re-added me back on Facebook which shocked me but I haven't accepted him yet. What do I do? What do I say? We both had out faults during the relationship, I wasn't a perfect girlfriend, we did argue over pointless things, but looking back I can't believe how I used to act. I've changed completely and I really want him to know this. I've changed my whole outlook on life. So if I do initiate contact, what can I say? And how could I maybe nudge him into initiating contact with me too? Please help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 If you think he might feel the same way, why no accept his FB request and just say HI. The biggest jorneys often start with the smallest steps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DylanNotorious Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 You should accept the friend request, and see what he does after that. Just accept the request for now, and see if he makes a move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Well... First of all... why do you believe in fate and soul mates? What caused you to believe that? We have something called free will. That's the right to choose. So if we have the right to choose that means we can choose to be with someone or we can choose not to. That idea you described above is out of a movie or of a story book. When actually true love is much more than that. What did you do to work on yourself? People can change, but did you see any issues in the relationship? Deeper issues? Did you look into your childhood at all? If not I think that should be done. The problem is that if it was true love... it never would have ended. True love doesn't cause constant pain and suffering. Nobody is perfect, but your idea of love to me seems like a fairy tale. That's all those movies and books are. It's not reality. I am a very spiritual person, but I don't believe in soul mates. You really think god, the universe, or whatever you believe puts one person on earth out of billions to find and be with? I'll give you a hint. True love comes from within. Not from another person. True love between two people details understanding that, and having that for yourself, and then being able to see yourself in that other person. That's just my belief from the past months I've learned about love among other things. Choose what you believe, just like we choose all of our experiences. It's what we do with those experiences that matter. What we learn from them and how they change our beliefs. If you think he is your soul mate, surely he will be back somehow some way right? If that's what you believe so be it. Pain and suffering is usually our soul or spirit telling us wrong choice, or there are beliefs to change because they are not pleasing to the spirit... which results in pain. If you examine your "self" and beliefs... and reconnect with that, there is much to be learned still about this experience and why it happened IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autumnleaves Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I agree, accept the friend request & take things from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IDunnoWut2Do Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Reminds me of me and my ex relationship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HopeArises Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 WOW, where to start? First of all, just because YOU don't believe in a soul mate, that means it can only be found in a movie or a fairy tale? Not true. Looking into ones past (childhood) to understand yourself and extricate your own demons as a means of cleansing oneself, to become more whole is something I definitely advocate, but not everyone is as psychological and introspective as you. Most people actually do not want to do that and that is a fact of life. You seem like a very black and white individual, yet one who paradoxically is quite analytical, yet spiritual (your claim). This girl obviously cares for her ex and is confused. To be honest, I have NO idea what their issues were? I don't know what drove him away. They are obvious young seeing they are both in school and maybe her ex needed his freedom (who knows). The OP did not go into any details, so I can't really offer any specific advice, but as general advice, I would tell the OP not to be scared of contacting him. 3 months have passed and there has been little to no contact and that's good. It HAS allowed you to become stronger (Whether you feel it or not). Do not be scared of rejection if you were to reach out and talk to him, BUT, one thing you should do, is go in in a manner that is very easy going and non-threatening. At this stage forget you ever had a relationship with him. Just treat him as though it's the first time you and him ever spoke and take it from there, while knowing the reasons why he left you, so you know NOT to do those same types of stuff while in communication with him, so not to drive him away again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Honestly what I said was not out of emotion. It has everything to do with experience and how it effects you as you grow as a child. How you now live by fight or flight which most humans do. I am not judging the OP. They are free to do what they want, and believe what they want like I just described... They have free will, and I was voicing my opinion. Most people really don't want to be introspective, and that's a problem. How will you ever know yourself? What are you afraid of? Pain and suffering? Are we not all spiritual? What is your definition of spiritual. Is the whole world not spiritual? Is that not why we are here? Are we not here to learn who we are and why we are here? What is a soul mate? What is the proof that we have one? Have you found yours? Why do you believe there's a soul mate? Because you have the ability to feel love for someone? I didn't say I don't believe in a soul connection or groups. After all, my analytical paradox (your judgment of me and my beliefs by the way) tells me that we have known our wives, children, friends, husbands many times over. Most of us will continue to do so for the next oh probably few 10 thousand years. To the OP... if you want him back there's nothing you can do. Accept the friend request. Let him initiate contact. Is it going to set you back if he contacts you and it doesn't go well? Why did you break up? What are the issues that caused the breakup in the first place? It's only been 3 months, do you think you are completely healed? Are you acting out of love, or emotion of want and desire? IF you are soul mates and there is such a thing, than why would he not contact you if he felt that way? Nothing stands in the way of love right if you believe in soul mates? Stubborness or pride is not a part of true love. I'm asking you to examine your views and why you believe them in other words. I'm not telling you that you're wrong or right. Simply examine them and why they are there. IF you explain to us why you believe these things... maybe we can help a bit more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellebellee Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 Maybe i'm exaggerating here. I just want my ex boyfriend back because I am still so much in love with him. I'm not healed, but I guess I'm a lot better then I was. I have finally learnt to adapt to being single. The problem in our relationship was mainly me. I did basically just nag at him and argue too much, but I wasn't in the best place at the time. I have finally changed my outlook on life. I'm not the one to start unnecessary arguments anymore, which is evidently what pushed him away. I have a new positive attitude despite the pain I've suffered these past three months. And yes, I've just accepted his friend request today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 And yes, I've just accepted his friend request today. The biggest journey starts with the smallest steps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellebellee Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 Very true. The question is how to go about initiating contact now. Or maybe finding a way of letting him initiating contact instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Maybe i'm exaggerating here. I just want my ex boyfriend back because I am still so much in love with him. I'm not healed, but I guess I'm a lot better then I was. I have finally learnt to adapt to being single. The problem in our relationship was mainly me. I did basically just nag at him and argue too much, but I wasn't in the best place at the time. I have finally changed my outlook on life. I'm not the one to start unnecessary arguments anymore, which is evidently what pushed him away. I have a new positive attitude despite the pain I've suffered these past three months. And yes, I've just accepted his friend request today. Ok well here's the problem with that. I think for the pain and suffering to end you need him back right? That's a problem. You have to know that you are good enough for anyone. Not just him. Be good enough for yourself, love yourself first and foremost. Basing your happiness on another is not a good thing. Loving oneself unconditionally is a huge lesson to learn in life. I would bet the problem in your relationship was not mainly you either. Usually it's pretty close to even. Usually they end because logical, emotional, or sexual needs are not being met over a long period of time. Look... it's kind of normal for a woman to be emotional and nag. It's your way of testing him. Women really don't even know they do this. How a man handles it is how he holds attraction in a relationship. That's a man's responsibility in most relationships. Almost all of them actually although this is evolving as well. If he initiates contact, whatever you do... don't go oh joy I missed you so much etc. You do not want to make it seem like he can just walk all over you and dominate you. You don't let him think for a minute that you need him. Under no circumstances have sex with him either. Unless you don't love yourself. Then just allow him to have all the power and use your body. Respect and love yourself more than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleina2011 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Look... it's kind of normal for a woman to be emotional and nag. It's your way of testing him. Women really don't even know they do this. How a man handles it is how he holds attraction in a relationship. That's a man's responsibility in most relationships. Almost all of them actually although this is evolving as well. . This just made my day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellebellee Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 Well, guess what. I accepted the friend request. He deleted me a few hours later. Why? He isn't the type to play games and be immature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomuch2hope Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Well, guess what. I accepted the friend request. He deleted me a few hours later. Why? He isn't the type to play games and be immature. Sounds like he just wanted to have a poke about your FB profile and see what your up too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raton44 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Sounds like he just wanted to have a poke about your FB profile and see what your up too... yup..he's fishing for information about you. What a jackas*! if my ex were to friend request me, i already know i would deny it. If he wants to know what's going on in my life, he should call me. Because, if our exes really wonder what were up to in hopes of getting back together, they will contact us. Any friend request from an ex is likely just fishing for info the back-end kind of way. He probably saw you weren't talking to a bunch of guys and realized he didn't really care that much about getting back with you...more like a poss case of wanting what he can;t have. So when he realized you were still on the market, he bailed. LAME! I'm sorry hun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellebellee Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 oh. I see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Well, guess what. I accepted the friend request. He deleted me a few hours later. Why? He isn't the type to play games and be immature. That should tell you enough right there then not to talk to him. That is manipulative. You don't need that in a man or a friend period. Someone that knows love does not ever manipulate or hide his intentions. Please, work on yourself. Love yourself more than anyone. Then... you'll find someone that does the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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