Cooking dinner for a girl on the beginning stages of dating...

[LolaRose]

A guy just did this for me (4th date) and although I'm almost 30 years old, I've never had a guy do this for me. It feels weird. I've been so unlucky in love (Never had a real boyfriend) that I'm having a hard time accepting that this guy may actually be serious about dating me. I'm so used to being rejected because it's honestly all I know! arghhh. I have a pretty decent self-esteem/confidence level considering all of this. I guess that's good....but It's so hard to stay positive!

 

He cooked me dinner at my place and set up candles and fed me as he was cooking. It was perfect. He talked a lot about us doing things in the future. He stayed over but didnt try anything. We've only kissed and cuddled. The next day, he didnt really say much about seeing me again. We parted after going out for brunch and it was kinda like an "I'll see you when I see you" type of parting. In fact, he even told ME to call him. I was always taught (by my mama haha) that if a guy doesnt set up the next date before the end of the previous one, he's not serious about dating you. I realize that this may not always be the case but I couldnt help worrying about this.

 

I probably should just shut up and stop overthinking. lol.

 

Just curious as to whether some of you have done this for a girl and what your intentions were. Im new to this type of gentleman.

[Fudgie]

Sounds like a nice guy. I would give him a call. It sounds like he's very interested but wants to put the ball in YOUR court and see if you'll reciprocate.

[LolaRose]

probably. I keep throwing the ball back though! LOL I show interest and drop a lot of hints about things Id like to do with him (dates and such) and have also said "I'll cook for you next time" Im not used to this! I have been hurt so much that I like the guy to take the lead. I used to chase them in my early 20's and have made a fool of myself MANY times.

[LAYAAN]

I wish any of my exes would do that. Man, I was so busy for a few months, I really could use a nice home cooked dinner.

[LolaRose]

I wish any of my exes would do that. Man, I was so busy for a few months, I really could use a nice home cooked dinner.

 

I know, right?!

[tiredofvampires]

probably. I keep throwing the ball back though! LOL I show interest and drop a lot of hints about things Id like to do with him (dates and such) and have also said "I'll cook for you next time" Im not used to this! I have been hurt so much that I like the guy to take the lead. I used to chase them in my early 20's and have made a fool of myself MANY times.

 

You keep doing that, and you'll find it not coming back your way at some point soon. "I'll see you when I see you" sounds like a good indicator. It sounds to me like he's been putting in all the effort really, and if I were a guy at this point, I'd want to back off because I'd feel like I'm chasing.

 

And if you tell him you're going to cook for him -- follow through. If I was dating someone and they just floated ideas but never really acted on them and left it up to me, I'd think they were half-hearted and flakey.

 

I think you're going to need to start being proactive with this. He's done enough leading.

[LolaRose]

You keep doing that, and you'll find it not coming back your way at some point soon. "I'll see you when I see you" sounds like a good indicator. It sounds to me like he's been putting in all the effort really, and if I were a guy at this point, I'd want to back off because I'd feel like I'm chasing.

 

And if you tell him you're going to cook for him -- follow through. If I was dating someone and they just floated ideas but never really acted on them and left it up to me, I'd think they were half-hearted and flakey.

 

I think you're going to need to start being proactive with this. He's done enough leading.

 

 

Great point. Thank you.

 

However, here's a little thing I left out. He really isn't putting in much effort. In fact, he's kinda been the one to float ideas around but not follow through. Between dates, I feel like Im the one doing all the calling/texting. He's flaked on me twice and sometimes takes forever to return a call or text. Then out of the blue he does this. LOL In his mind, he could feel like he's unsure about my feelings so he wants to keep the ball in my court at all times. Not sure.

 

I have no problem poking him a bit to get things going. (That's kind of how its been) Yet when we are together, he's such a gentleman and acts very interested.

 

Not used to this....but it may be how he is and how this relationship is going to be..

[Mesemene]

Is he maybe not used to the whole courting dance anymore?

 

Sounds like he might be just as unsure as you are.

 

Asking you to call him is definitely a step up from "I'll call you sometime" and never calling, though

[LolaRose]

Is he maybe not used to the whole courting dance anymore?

 

Sounds like he might be just as unsure as you are.

 

Asking you to call him is definitely a step up from "I'll call you sometime" and never calling, though

 

 

LOL yeah he is kind of a burnout.

 

Yeah, the "Ill call you sometime" SUCKS. However, I have gotten that from someone who WAS interested and did call. I guess you can just never tell.

[LolaRose]

Any of you guys out there do this for a girl? What are your takes on the whole cooking dinner for each other thing? Im interested..

[tiredofvampires]

Actually, I read, "Call me" (unless he doesn't have my number and I asked for his) from a guy as code for this: "Until and unless you call me, you're never going to hear from me again. I'm done if you are."

 

It may or may not indicate disinterest. In your case, OP, I don't think it's disinterest. But I do think it's a tiredness of the stalemate that is both of you dancing around, and a willingness to walk.

[LolaRose]

Actually, I read, "Call me" (unless he doesn't have my number and I asked for his) from a guy as code for this: "Until and unless you call me, you're never going to hear from me again. I'm done if you are."

 

It may or may not indicate disinterest. In your case, OP, I don't think it's disinterest. But I do think it's a tiredness of the stalemate that is both of you dancing around, and a willingness to walk.

 

Im not really sure what to do next.....meh.

 

I feel like I show enough interest. I dont want to be the one guiding the relationship the whole time. It seems as if theres a chance he may just be that kind of guy and I may have to "chase" a little bit....if hes feeling insecure.

[ONCT]

Any of you guys out there do this for a girl? What are your takes on the whole cooking dinner for each other thing? Im interested..

 

I cooked at the early stages of me and my now ex. It's a personal thing, shows he puts effort in and wants to know if you're ready to share every day moments. I see it as a step forward from the regular dating activities. So if you enjoyed the time and the dinner and if you see yourself doing it again, I think you should call him.

[Fudgie]

I agree with ToV. He has been making all of the moves and he's tired of it. I can't blame him. He wants to make sure that YOU are interested in him and make the first move. You can't be passive the whole time. No guy is going to put up with that and have to think up of all the dates for you. You need to reciprocate here.

[Batya33]

If he doesn't ask you for another date while on the date all it means is that you accept that you had a great time and until and unless he calls he is no longer in your life.

Cooking dinner is nice -not sure why it included a sleepover -that might have been too much too soon for him.

[tiredofvampires]

I think it's too early to predict what the whole relationship dynamic is. Way too early. You're burnt from the past experiences in your life, he may be unsure of himself and a bit insecure, and senses you wanting not to "chase", and doesn't know how to interpret that. He may think you're lukewarm. If you feel you don't want to chase a guy due to the past you've had, it may well translate into him getting mixed signals from you. Though if he's flaked on you a couple of times, that's not a good sign, either. I'm not sure what you mean by flaked -- there's outright stood up (unacceptable) and then there's just having to reschedule, so I'm not sure how bad it was.

 

I would offer to do something comparable to what he's done with this dinner, where you're the one initiating. You could take one of the ideas he suggested for the future and make it something you make happen.

[Ariel85]

I agree with your mother. "I'll see you around" kind of parting words isn't exactly encouraging. Particularly if he's not contacting you between dates and has already flaked a few times.

 

The whole cooking dinner at your place, lighting candles, feeding you while he cooked - all made me roll my eyes, as it sounds so super contrived and completely not organic nor genuine. Also, for a fourth date in which you haven't had sex or are exclusive, it seems a wee OTT. Further to that because he spent the night and didn't even try anything.

 

I would buy the whole old-fashioned courtship thing, but he's a bundle of mixed messages and behaviors. I think he's most likely dating other women, which explains why he doesn't contact you, or finally does days later after you reach out to him.

 

I'd keep your options open, as I'm not convinced he's not going to majorly poof on you.

[LolaRose]

I agree with ToV. He has been making all of the moves and he's tired of it. I can't blame him. He wants to make sure that YOU are interested in him and make the first move. You can't be passive the whole time. No guy is going to put up with that and have to think up of all the dates for you. You need to reciprocate here.

 

 

 

Actually, he hasnt. That's the thing. Ive been initiating everything. I was the one that had to remind him that he said he wanted to cook dinner for me. Who knows if he would have followed through. I feel like when we're together, hes so into it, but between dates, Im always the one doing all the work.

[LolaRose]

If he doesn't ask you for another date while on the date all it means is that you accept that you had a great time and until and unless he calls he is no longer in your life.

Cooking dinner is nice -not sure why it included a sleepover -that might have been too much too soon for him.

 

Nah. He slept over last time we hung out. We havent done very much sexually at all. We ended up having too much wine and then we took a walk to a bar very late and it was just convenient for him to stay over.

[catfeeder]

Your Mom may have been right about first dates in her day, but these days contact is simple and mobile. We don't need to 'secure' dates to avoid risk of missing contact, we can reach out and ask for them at any time.

 

He's likely suggesting that you call him next to demo your interest so he knows he's not running you over. I wouldn't put such heaviness on it, I'd just ring him in a few days and invite him somewhere or over to your place where it's your turn to serve or treat him.

 

Don't work yourself into a stress rut. It ruins the fun, and it can turn you so neurotic you'll come out sideways. Find ways to relax your thinking, not ramp it up.

 

EnjOy.

[LolaRose]

lol the dinner wasnt as cheesy as I made it sound.

 

Interesting. I wouldnt see a guy making a girl dinner and NOT trying to sleep with her as a guy who would be dating other girls. I mean, after our 3rd date he told me he wanted to date me. I guess you really dont know though.

 

Ive been trying to stay positive so this post isnt exactly helping. lol

 

but thanks....i guess.

[LolaRose]

Great advice, Catfeeder. Thank you. You seem to really have you head on straight. There should be more posters like you. Too many overly positive or overly negative. Ive noticed.

[Ariel85]

lol the dinner wasnt as cheesy as I made it sound.

 

Interesting. I wouldnt see a guy making a girl dinner and NOT trying to sleep with her as a guy who would be dating other girls. I mean, after our 3rd date he told me he wanted to date me. I guess you really dont know though.

 

Ive been trying to stay positive so this post isnt exactly helping. lol

 

but thanks....i guess.

 

This is what you wrote:

 

He really isn't putting in much effort. In fact, he's kinda been the one to float ideas around but not follow through. Between dates, I feel like Im the one doing all the calling/texting. He's flaked on me twice and sometimes takes forever to return a call or text.

 

Sorry that I didn't give you the answer that you wanted, but he sounds lukewarm at best. Any guy who ignores your messages, cancels dates, talks about imaginary dates and doesn't follow-up and doesn't contact you between dates, simply isn't that interested.

 

It's still early, so I'd keep my options open, if I were you. If things pick up with him, great, but I wouldn't bank on it.

[LolaRose]

This is what you wrote:

 

He really isn't putting in much effort. In fact, he's kinda been the one to float ideas around but not follow through. Between dates, I feel like Im the one doing all the calling/texting. He's flaked on me twice and sometimes takes forever to return a call or text.

 

Sorry that I didn't give you the answer that you wanted, but he sounds lukewarm at best. Any guy who ignores your messages, cancels dates, talks about imaginary dates and doesn't follow-up and doesn't contact you between dates, simply isn't that interested.

 

It's still early, so I'd keep my options open, if I were you. If things pick up with him, great, but I wouldn't bank on it.

 

 

I see where youre coming from. Things are going great with him. Thats not a problem. In fact, Im not used to a guy really treating me this well. He follows through, hes not bad about it....just not overeager. The reason I mentioned what you quoted above is because a bunch of folks were acting as if he was , you know....100% in the right and was doing allll this work chasing me and I wasnt reciprocating,

 

Just simply letting them know that he isnt doing a TON of work like they seem to think. He's trying to play it cool. He even mentioned that once in conversations....that he tends to do that.

 

My problem is getting used to the fact that this guy is really interested in me and to enjoy it, which I have a hard time doing.

 

It is still early and obviously, Im keeping my options open as I hope he still is as well.

[mactownman]

Sounds like a nice guy. I would give him a call. It sounds like he's very interested but wants to put the ball in YOUR court and see if you'll reciprocate.

 

Indeed. He may be trying to determine if YOU are interested in continuing a relationship with him. Judging by your post, he may have had some trouble deciphering what it is you want out of the relationship and this is his way of seeing if you will take an active role in building the relationship. If a guy has to do all the chasing, he begins to wonder about the interest level of the girl.

 

He is obviously interested and sounds like a nice guy. I don't think it's true that if he doesnt set up the next date he's not interested. Just go with it and quit reading too much into things. This may be the guy you've been waiting on.