Boyfriend Ended It For Someone Else

[puppylove89]

I've posted on here a few times about my introverted (ex)boyfriend from college and going through the post-grad life changes. Well...after him wanting to take a break two days ago, he called me this morning and broke up with me. I asked if there was someone else and he said there was.

 

Of course I was upset, I cried on the phone with him, although I didn't beg him or plead. I just kind of sat there and asked him how he felt. He said that he still loved and cared for me, was attracted to me, but the fact that I was so guarded and wanted to be more a part of his life is what he said drove him to realize he needed to be single. He choked up a few times, saying he was so torn but that he needed some time. He said that the new girl was just the catalyst. He said he doesn't rule out the possibility of us getting back together in a little while, who knows. Apparently she's a waitress at the restaurant he works at...I don't know, I guess I'm just shocked and heartbroken as anyone would be.

 

I wasn't happy for the last few months, when we saw each other it was wonderful but then when we were apart he just didn't seem as into it. I really trusted him and he was a jealous person so I just would never in a million years have thought that he would dump me, his college girlfriend, for a waitress. I've struggled with my inner confidence lately and this isn't going to help it at all. I've worked hard to graduate, study for the MCAT, stay fit, maintain a good image, be a good friend, only be intimate with men I am in a committed relationship with. But it wasn't good enough, in my head I currently feel as though there is something wrong with me. I brought him to France with me to meet my family this summer, we traveled Europe together...ugh I guess I'm just reminiscing.

 

Truth is, he worked SO hard to get me to date him last year, he was so into it and told me I was the one. He spoke about life after college and how he would never hurt me like I had in the past. He had had a crush on me for years apparently and once I was single he pursued. He wasn't the type to commit to a relationship, but he literally begged for one with me, telling me he had never in his life been so in love with someone. His friends even reassured me that they'd never seen him want something so badly. He's tall and handsome, from a good family, but never really had much ambition and settled for a job waiting tables.

 

Everyone thinks he's making a mistake, and they think he'll realize it later...maybe when the girl doesn't put up with his mood swings, or wasn't as forgiving as I was, or isn't as loving and genuine. No one understands his decision, I don't either, but I guess you can't change someone's feelings. They just think he's checking out because the relationship needed some work and he's too immature to realize that any relationship takes work.

 

I'm very upset, I'm sad that I won't have someone to go to dinner with or watch sports with or talk to when I'm feeling down. My friends have all moved away after college which makes this really difficult. I feel alone and used, and I just wish I had not taken a year off between college and medical school now I'd really appreciate some advice and uplifting words. How do I move forward? Do I meet with him tomorrow to put physical closure on it? Might he realize he's made a mistake in a few weeks/months? I'm going to really miss him...

[Furbys]

He didn't really make things clear in the beginning, he said that he still loved you, but likes someone else but he also wants to be single. It sounds like he didn't know what he wanted but now he has chosen. I understand that it is difficult and your clinging onto what other people have said (hes never been like this with a girl, they don't understand his decision) but this is based on when you two first started going out, it is not relevant now.

 

As much as you may hurt you need to keep your mind occupied by going out with friends, or making new ones because your friends have moved, pick up a hobby. It is up to you whether you think if meeting him in person will help, no one can tell you if this will work or not because you know how you deal with your own situations. I personally would not meet with him but that is because i deal with my problems differently. You will miss him at first but as you start to move on with your life you will miss him less and less and you will find someone else.

[RedDress]

He wasn't the type to commit to a relationship

 

Apparently, he's still not.

 

He gave it a really big go because he cared about you a lot... but people who are not able to commit to relationships are not able to commit to relationships.

 

My prediction? The thing with the waitress won't last. But hey... how does that help you any?

 

I wouldn't meet in person, either. He made up his mind. He is with her now. What do you hope to accomplish by seeing him? It will simply hurt.

[shikashika]

First of all.... sorry to hear this. Breakups always suck, especially when it's for someone else.

 

 

But, I've noticed that you are really dwelling on the waitress thing... this seems to bother you a lot! This is irrelevant.

 

Please don't meet him. it's been said over and over again, but just cut all contact...email/facebook/phone/meeting in person.

 

It's always the advice people give and it really is the best...even though most people always think that their situation is different and that they will be fine by meeting or calling or texting or whatever. But, it's just grasping at straws.

 

He's made a choice and unfortunately (right now anyway!) this doesn't include you.

[puppylove89]

There's nothing really about the waitress thing, it's just that I don't know... I guess I'm hurt that this took place at work, and all the times he was going out after work, she was there trying to get with him...which he told me, and nothing happened until last night which is why he called to break up...god I feel as awful inside, it makes me feel so worthless. I really did care for him. He may have done me a favor though, he always said he was a little scared of commitment, and it wasn't me he was scared of committing to, just what he would lose by doing so.

 

How can someone repeatedly tell you they are so happy with you, that they are so lucky to have you and the best thing that has happened to them, throughout the entirety of the relationship, literally till a few days ago, and then drop you for someone else... I'm so unbelievably hurt.

 

Any male opinions? I hope ENA can bring the comfort to me that it has for others. Thank you all.

[elastic]

Wow, our situations are so similar that it is eerie. She would say all the same stuff to me for over three years. ("I love you more than anything. I've never been this happy. I can't image life without you" etc.)

 

She left last month for someone she worked with over the summer. I found out they were in relationship a week after our BU. I'm not saying he will necessarily get with this girl right away, but me ex moved on so fast because she had taken the last few weeks of the summer (when she was away at her camp job) to get over me. I heard all the same stuff from everyone about how she is making a big mistake (even from her friends) and she will regret it, but it doesn't help much. We were talking about moving in together soon. She got scared of commitment too and would rather be with someone 7 years younger than me. It's just their last grab at youth. You say that he doesn't have much ambition. It sounds like my ex and how she doesn't want to grow up. He probably has someone in his life telling him to do out-of-character things like this when he's young so he doesn't live with regret.

 

It's tough to hear, but people like this are not worth our time. We were willing to work hard at the relationship, especially when times were tough, but they would rather run off. Maybe he will come back one day when he realizes what a mistake he has made but you can't wish for that. You have to move on.

 

I've been NC for nearly a month and it honestly does get better. You have to take the time to REALLY reflect on the relationship and the kind of person he was. If he does contact you to reconcile in 6 months or a year, would you really take him back?

 

Read the 7 Reasons manual. link removed

 

I still read it once in a while if I'm having a bad day and it helps me refocus on what's really important....ME.

 

Go NC asap. Anything he will say right now will only hurt you more.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I see this as him showing his true character in finding a replacement before ending his relationship with you.

 

Regarding your question of "getting physical closure," I would say that you already have all the closure you need.

[forlackof]

The same thing happened to me in some shape/form. I was dating someone for 4.5 years. He moved to another counntry. He said he wanted to break up, then he waivered and told me he met someone else, then he needed time to decide between her or me, then he chose her.

 

I went NC, it's been more than 2 months. As harsh as this may sound, everyone has free will. I realized the best thing you can do is not to dwell, if he has moved on (for now), you need to also move on. For me that was not to be friends with him, cut my emotional ties via NC and instigate positive change in other areas of my life.

 

I felt the same confusion, hurt, and loss that you are feeling now. Everyday it will get better. When people here on this forum say that time heals all, I didn't believe it. I'm slowing living that now, and I can assure you, NC and time away from him is the best solution for now.

 

You need time to clear your mind and reflect. By not communicating with him, you will achieve that! Closure comes from within. Even if he says "it's over", you will not feel like "it's over" until you reach that point internally.

 

Hope that helps.

[shikashika]

But just because he did say he loved you at one point, does not mean it wasnt ture.... at that point.

 

People's feelings change.. I'm sure you haven't always felt the same for one person all the time.

 

I think when we have breakups or someone dumps us... we tend to look back at the good things, 'But you used to love me!'

 

The point is they don't anymore.... so just because at one time they used to dote on us, say they love us, or used to chase us... we can't look at what was true in the past.

[puppylove89]

Thanks everyone, this is really helping. How do people get past the deep feeling inside that you cannot trust the opposite gender anymore? I'm really starting to think that love is only a temporary emotion...it seems like every single boyfriend I've had (all three serious relationships) dealt with my SO at the time leaving me because they couldn't deal with the issues in the relationship and sought out different outlets and came crawling back weeks later. How do I not lose faith in there being good men out there? Who aren't discouraged when things are tough or who aren't commitment phobes?

[DylanNotorious]

He said that he still loved and cared for me, was attracted to me, but the fact that I was so guarded and wanted to be more a part of his life is what he said drove him to realize he needed to be single. He choked up a few times, saying he was so torn but that he needed some time. He said that the new girl was just the catalyst. He said he doesn't rule out the possibility of us getting back together in a little while, who knows.

 

 

I do not understand this part. This makes no sense. And since when does he get to dictate if you guys get back together? What, once he's done with the waitress? No I don't think so.