Since the birth of our child sex has died and the lack of intimacy hurting.

[knightNshiningarmor]

My wife and I's son was born on August 30th so he is almost 2 months old now. In the time between my wife and I have had sex once. In the last few days she has also decided to stop taking the birth control she was on, understandably so because she felt it was hindering her milk production. We both hate having sex with condoms but I know I will make do I am hoping she will...assuming we ever have sex again. I am trying to be patient and that is what she is asking of me but its difficult. For the first time in our relationship I am dreaming about being with other women, thats never happened before. If we talk about the lack of sex she gets depressed that she can't satisfy my needs and it is very difficult to talk about. On top of it all I have a very high sex drive. I would be happy about three times a week and satisfied with once a week. But once every two months? Its less about the physical act of sex and more about the lack of intimacy. I feel like our lives are turning into a routine and there is no desire for one another. Instead of being my wife I feel as if she is my sons mother. It has only been two months I want to give her more time but at what point is being patient being naive.

[Moontiger]

I can understand the frustration from lack of sex. Please try and see this from your wife's POV. She is probably totally exhausted and sleep deprived. Every ounce of her energy is going into YOUR child.

 

Is she home with the baby all day? Who gets up in the middle of the night? Who has to worry about what medication they are on because of breast feeding? Who just pushed a living human out of their body and is probably having body image issues? This is more are effecting your wife. IMO you should be doing everything you can to make her life easier and try understanding where she is coming from.

[RedDress]

I think you are overreacting a little bit.

 

I looked at a calendar... it's been 7.5 weeks. They usually don't even recommend that you resume having sex until about the 6-8 week mark. Having a baby is extremely traumatic to the woman's... umm... parts. She is in pain. She bleeds. She is tired. Her body needs to physically heal.

 

Have you had sexual issues in this relationship in the past? I wonder what makes you jump to the conclusion that your sex life is basically over...

[Batya33]

From what I understand she was supposed to wait about 6 weeks before having sex again so it's only been a few weeks since then, right? Please try to be patient for a few more months and also figure out ways to help her get more rest so she might be more in the mood.

[Seraphim]

It takes A LOT longer than 2 months for your life to turn back to normal. She should not even be having sex till her 6 weeks check up and he is only what 2 months and she has already had sex once? Like Moontiger said she had to push a human being out of her body and she is breast feeding and exhausted. It takes about a YEAR to get your life back to "normal" after having a child. Taking care of a baby requires total energy out put.She has not forgotten you, she is just busy doing something very important for a certain amount of time. Give it some time and be patient and work together. If you take some work off her shoulders I am sure she will be more receptive faster.

 

Think about it this way. In the animal world there is a reason why females are not receptive to males or mating when they have babies. Babies take ALL their energy just go get to a point of being able to survive without them.

[Mesemene]

Yup - 7-1/2 weeks is way too early for concern over resuming a "normal" sex life with your wife. If you've had sex once, you're on track for your once a week - the 6 weeks that she's medically advised to avoid it don't count - they weren't viable weeks for sex, regardless of anything else.

 

The 6 week (typical) recommendation isn't even just because it can be painful - the trauma of birth makes it much easier to get nasty infections before that. Figure it's 2-4 weeks before we're even allowed to take a bath instead of a shower for the same reason. Add to that - most babies don't start sleeping through the night til about the 6-8 week mark at best, and it's not exactly the sexiest environment. Depending how long she breast feeds and gets used to your new baby's schedule, you should see the return of a "normal" sex life within a couple of months.

[Seraphim]

Exactly, the reason they tell you not to have sex before the uterus heals and stops bleeding is that sperm can introduce an infection.

 

I can also say when you have pushed out a 6 -9 pound baby out of there you are not so thrilled to have anything back in there, depending on the trauma involved because IT HURTS. Then you are breast feeding and that hurts and you are doing it every 2 hours 24 hours a day 7 days a week for months on end and do other things. Yeah, it takes a while to want to be having sex.

[Mesemene]

*grins* yep, I still remember carting around my donut pillow so I could even SIT comfortably... My little warm water sprayer was my best friend in the world to relieve some of the pain.

[Seraphim]

I personally think she is doing well to have had it once already. I would have beat my husband in the head......lol. It was 4 months before I was even REMOTELY interested.

[Mesemene]

Yeah.... I know for about three months my mantra was "touch me and dieeeeeee...." *cue exorcist voice*

[knightNshiningarmor]

We had sexual issues before the pregnancy and I guess I am just afraid of those issues coming back but for now it seems the consensus is that i just need to be patient.

[RedDress]

We had sexual issues before the pregnancy and I guess I am just afraid of those issues coming back but for now it seems the consensus is that i just need to be patient.

 

I think you have a very valid concern, then. Yes... some women (people!) absolutely DO use the baby as an excuse to not have sex.

 

As you've seen, though... yes, it is definitely early to be concerned about this. She also has valid concerns and issues at the moment. It's perfectly normal (and healthy) for her to be avoiding sex for a while.

 

Why not make a "deadline" in your mind about when you think regular sex should resume? Say.. the 6 month mark. Others here are saying the 3-4 month mark was when they were ready. So... your wife knows how you feel. She needs time. Let her come around on her own and see what happens. If nothing is better by then, you should most definitely say something. In the meantime... it's probably best not to push the situation. It will only build resentment in her.

[Moontiger]

Personally, I think six months is a bit to soon for sex to be "normal" again if only because your wife will still be very sleep deprived. I do think by that time it should start happening again, just not as often as you might like. I live with my sister who's baby did not start sleeping for more then 4 hours at a time until she was well over a year old.

 

Seriously, one weekend try getting up every time your wife does and stay up with her. See how good you feel after just two days of that.

[RedDress]

Personally, I think six months is a bit to soon for sex to be "normal" again if only because your wife will still be very sleep deprived. I do think by that time it should start happening again, just not as often as you might like. I live with my sister who's baby did not start sleeping for more then 4 hours at a time until she was well over a year old.

 

Once a week is not too much to ask at the 6 month mark. She should be having urges too... tired or not.

[Seraphim]

Personally, I think six months is a bit to soon for sex to be "normal" again if only because your wife will still be very sleep deprived. I do think by that time it should start happening again, just not as often as you might like. I live with my sister who's baby did not start sleeping for more then 4 hours at a time until she was well over a year old.

 

Seriously, one weekend try getting up every time your wife does and stay up with her. See how good you feel after just two days of that.

 

 

I used to have my husband get up and burp our son if he was particularly difficult to burp. I figured if I was breast feeding every two hours 24/7 there should be no reason my husband should be sawing logs all night. It was not like I was doing any sleeping in the day. By the time my son was 5 months old I was walking into walls I was so tired. Breast fed infants tend to take little longer to sleep through the night. My son actually still needed feeding once at night when he was 14 months old.

[Mesemene]

Yup - my daughter had her days and nights reversed for the first month and a half. I thought I would go insane, because she was very colicky and would scream from sunset til sunrise. Many nights I didn't get to sleep at all - and then up and down all day while well-meaning friends and family dropped by to see her (of course, she looked like a sleeping angel then!) and feeding her every couple hours. I remember driving around the block, or winding her cradle/swing every 15 minutes - only things that calmed her a little. And then pacing the house trying to comfort her, crying right along with her from sheer exhaustion.

 

Fortunately, like everything else, it too, shall pass.