don't know what to do

[its a secret]

My problem is I'm having relationship problems at the moment.

 

i have been with my current partner for 10 years, we are engaged with a 2yr old child.

my reason for not being married yet is financial and situational. we have spent 9 of the 10 years basically in debt and needing to live with other people.

 

we met in computer 3d class when we were 20. we both have artistic backgrounds.

 

the main source of our problems at the moment is that she feels I'm not the same person i was when we met, i have almost nothing to do with art anymore and my focus is 'money'. which is true.

 

from my point of view, art was never going to buy us a home let alone keep the debt collectors at bay. so two years ago i quit my graphic design job and asked my father to teach my his trade. i now (as of xmas 2010) have been working for myself and making decent money. i've managed to pay off a lot of debt, buy a decent, safe and reliable family car, update some needed household items etc.. the payoff however has been my time.

 

i work a job that is either all or nothing, being that if work is there, i need to take it cos it may not be there tomorrow. for example my last two weeks have gone like this, i worked 11 days straight, each day starting early (7-8am) and the earliest i would get home would have been around 7pm, 2am being the latest, only to get up the next morning and do it all again. i just took friday and saturday off, and i used it to take my parter to the movies, my child to the doctors and then saturday went shopping with them both. today being sunday i had to work again. and the cycle continues.

 

she feels i'm no longer the person she met, being that she met an artist.

i feel that since we now have a child it is my responsibility to provide for my family, i need to be able to be self sufficient to be able to provide all the things that families need etc.. I'm trying real hard to be able to balance this job with family life, as if my family goes then so does my reason for working so hard.

 

I'm trying to work 4 days a week (since the days are so long) and give myself a day to recover (as the job is quite physically demanding) and that allows 2 days to dedicate to my family and help around the house.

 

my main gripe with her is that she has basically given up, she demands a lot from me (time wise), she expects that when I'm home, having a day off work that i will take the load of the house and give her a break, when i really need the break myself.

 

she spends most of her time on an online computer game, she enjoys video editing so she uses the game to create videos.

she basically neglects most of the house hold things such as cleaning and cooking. I'm not a guy that expects the misses to cook and clean etc.. but i do believe that it's a team thing, and if one person is bringing home the bacon the other contributes by helping out with the other stuff.

 

she hates cooking and after work i have to cook most of the time, to which i enjoy but not after a 12 hour plus day.

dishes are never done, clothes are never washed… i don't understand why helping out is so difficult.

 

she does look after our 2yr old, quite well i might add.

we placed our child in daycare 2 days a week, but she uses those days to play her online game uninterrupted.

i feel she spends too much time on her game and not enough time with day to day things.

 

she feels my expectations of a stay at home mum are too high, whereas i don't feel they are.

she feels i use the excuse "i work" as a trump card that she can't top, so she doesn't bother at all.

 

she also feels like she has lost her own sense of herself, in that, i have all the 'control' in the household and she just bows down and lets me have my way.

to which i disagree as everything I'm doing is for her, she just doesn't see it the same way.

 

she is trying to get back her own 'power', one way in which she is doing this is by getting a tattoo.

when we first started going out she mentioned she wanted to get a big arse tattoo down her arm. now unfortunately she's a heavy set woman and extremely pale skinned and as an artist i just know it won't look any good.

 

but on top of that, i have a phobia about permanent tattoo on one's skin. and i asked her to promise me that whilst we were together that she'd agree to never get a tattoo, because i can't handle it. (i also made mention that smoking was a deal breaker).

 

might sound harsh or some people might say controlling, but i feel that if i don't like asian women, then i simply don't date asian women, hence i hate tattoo's and smoking so i let her know before we got too serious.

 

so one night when she broke down, she made mention she has no control, not even if she gets a tattoo or not.

so i said, ok, fine.. you can do whatever you like. but you know how i feel about them.

 

so she is now deciding to get one, and looking for one. i've decided to help her find a good one, cos i figure if she is going to get one it better be a damn good one. i know she wants a large one, that the world can see.. but i really need it to be something i can't see. (out of sight out of mind type of deal).

she wants its on her chest/shoulder.. basically above her breast but below her shoulder. and to me that's something i will see a lot of. i feel it will be a turn off when being intimate and could lead to further relationship problems.

 

i mentioned on her inner ankle (trying to keep it small and out of sight) she's thinking her wrist if not her chest, or her upper back. but again, when you hug/spoon with someone at night, it's again something that will repulse me.

 

so yeah, that's her way of being "in control" i guess.

 

i don't know what to do.

[annie24]

wow - you two have definitely turned into different people. i think it's her body and she can get a tattoo if she pleases. and of course, i understand that it's a turn off to you. have you ever told her that?

 

the biggest issue is the finances. i don't think what you ask for is unreasonable - if you are working long days and are the main breadwinner, i think it's reasonable for her to keep the house in order. doesn't have to look like something out of home and garden magazine, but reasonably tidy and cooked meals when you get home. i would expect the same if i were working and my husband was at home. it sounds like you grew up.... and she didn't.

 

i understand that raising a young child is hard - they demand a lot of time and effort and maybe she is just tired after chasing around a small kid and just wants to unwind by playing some video games. ok. i get that. but of course, you are tired too after a long day at work and aren't in the mood to do laundry when you get home either.

 

ugh, i don't know. have you had a serious discussion about how this isn't working for you? ok, so you're not the 20 year old artist you were 10 years ago, but as you said, you have to pay the bills, right?

[Stay_home]

It wouldn't make me a very happy camper to work all day, come home and find that she's been sitting around all day playing computer games, nothing's done & no dinner has been made. If my wife worked and I was a stay at home dad, dinner would be made, the house would be clean and all of the other stuff like laundry, yardwork, house chores and the baby would be cared for. As far as I'm concerned, she's working and the last thing she needs is to come home and have to deal with things I can do when I'm home all day. Obviously, I would like a break too, but again it's about teamwork. And if she's been busting her tail all day, I know the least I can do to help is the little things that would help not only her butus. A tattoo would be the last thing on my mind that's for sure.

 

The tat and the smokes are a way for her to rebel. She mentions them because she knows that it makes you angry.

[annie24]

The tat and the smokes are a way for her to rebel. She mentions them because she knows that it makes you angry.

 

kind of sounds like something a teenager would do to their parents, huh??

[Stillhope]

Out of interest, what online game does she play?

[its a secret]

annie24 -

 

yeah i think it is apparent that we both have different priorities in life. and yeah, she knows quite well tattoo's are a turn off, i have some demented phobia about things on the skin, she discovered i was a bit nuts about it when first going out, cos she gave me a hicky and i flipped my 5h!t. irrational and strange i know, but i just can't handle it. like nails down a chalk board for me. we all have our 'crazy' thing right?

 

yeah finances are a big issue. she's just happy to pay the bills and live from day to day, whereas i want financial stability and to setup a secure future.

agree with you about not needing the house to look like home and garden, i don't want the picture perfect life, i love a house that feels like a home. but the basics need to be done, and i can't do everything.

 

however last night and tonight i decided to be proactive about some of it. last night after an argument over her having to make dinner and complaining about not being able to cope with the dishes (cos they only keep piling up and are never ending), i decided to wash 3 loads of washing, wash all the dishes and clean the kitchen, was kinda trying to show that i was able to do all that, as well as watch 3-4 tv shows in the space of a few hours. unfortunately she views it as me exposing how little she does, but i chose not to even acknowledge that i did anything.

 

today i had a job that has to be done over two days, i decided that regardless of what happens i'd be home by 5 or 6, and cook dinner myself (just means I'm in for a late one tomorrow night, but i figure making dinner one night with the family and being really late the next is better than two late nights). i started to cook, didn't mention anything and she began to join me in doing so... finally some type of common ground. she didn't like the sound of what i wanted to cook before hand, cos of the potential dishes that would start piling up again, especially after the kitchen just got cleaned. so whilst she got our 2yr old ready for bed, i washed everything we just used, and cleaned the kitchen. (it's a pretty quick thing, when it was already clean the night before). I'm hoping it's some type of progress in the right direction, we seem to be in a happy place with one another at the minute.

 

yeah i know I'm not the 20yr old artist i once was, but she doesn't see that, she see's i've wasted my talents.. and to a degree i can agree, but no matter how good you are, if it doesn't pay the bills then something has to give at one point.

 

given that the "dishes" thing seems to be creating a better home environment at the minute, i might try and do some art when i have a day off, and see if that motivates things a bit.

 

i know she wants the best for me and from me, but life doesn't let you live how you'd like to live, you have to work hard to create the lifestyle you want.

[its a secret]

~2 sided coin~ -

 

i feel the same way, but to make mention of it starts arguments, which is what i try to avoid.. probably not a good thing in hindsight as this is what it's eventuated to.

 

yeah there probably is a degree of rebelling in the tattoo thing, but at the same time she has always wanted one, i just wish she realised that it is something that (my issues about tatt's aside) it's something that really would not suit her, to which almost any other friend i mention it too completely agrees.

[its a secret]

stillhope -

 

i've already mentioned that she makes videos of the game she plays, i'm not too keen to mention that game as i don't really want anyone to be able to identify her. I'm not trying to paint a target on her back, i just want to get some advice to my problem.

 

i will mention though that it is one of those role playing games, where other people are online to play with.

[annie24]

i've already mentioned that she makes videos of the game she plays,

 

Is that her job, does she make money doing that??

 

Do you think it's possible she might be having an online affair with a player on there?

[its a secret]

it's her hobby, not her job. although she'd like it to be.

 

im positive she's not cheating, she's always been open and honest about having feelings for other people.

she's hates people who cheat and can't understand why they don't just end one relationship before starting another.

[its a secret]

well looks like my efforts have been in vein.. she broke up with me last night, has taken her engagement ring off and there doesn't seem to be anything i can do about it.

 

apparently she has been wanting to do it for a while now, but held off.

have been trying so hard to make things work of late, to make work fit in, to make time for her and family, but apparently it's a case of too little too late according to her.

 

she says she has wanted to do that for about a year now.

 

i wish i had have known before we decided to have a child.

the problem now is that she expects me to move out and "visit" my child.

the issue is i can't do that, so i told her she can go, do whatever she wants, but I'm not going without my child.

she argues that I'm not going without, that i can visit whenever i want.

 

so i said to her, fine.. if your ok with that, then you move out and visit whenever you want.. i'll quit my job and look after our 2 yr old.

turns out she can't do that either. so it appears we're pretty much stuck with each other for a long while yet.

 

she wants her separate room of course. naturally we are essentially both agreeing to forgo any potential for a future relationship given no 'normal' person would be keen on the living arrangements we've found ourselves falling into. but i'm not leaving my child, and despite thinking it's ok for me to 'visit' neither can she.

 

i've tried asking what i can do to fix things, told her I'm trying really hard and getting nothing in return.

she acknowledges that she's been 'shutdown' to anything i do or say... which means there is nothing i can do.

 

we did sleep in the same bed last night, although miles apart... i tried to get some type of hug or embrace, but got shunted pretty badly.. she just got up and walked out of the room.

 

i dunno what to do.. and it appears there is nothing i can do...

 

i don't know how i got to be where we are.

I'm just in disbelief at the moment, and I'm hoping so badly that she's not serious... but i think she is.