History...

[Chillihead]

Further to my thread asking your opinion on how I should break up with my partner:

 

 

 

Here is some history about us and why things are like they are. You may or may not find it interesting...

 

Against my better judgement I agreed to move in with on /off partner because she felt this was the only way for her to stick with the relationship. She called it off twice previously, going back to her ex the first time and the second time just letting it die slowly and not telling me. It took me seeing someone else for her to realise she wanted me. She has a teenage son and I have two kids aged 7 and 10, who stay with me every 2nd weekend and we have been living together for nearly 2 years.

 

When I first moved in with her we shared her small place for a month or so, then we all moved togeher to a 4 bedroom place, so that everyone had their own bedrooms. However, my two were stuck down the end of a long hallway and felt excluded so has shifted into a bedroom together further up the hallway.

 

Over the last 18 months though she has been exhibiting some behaviours which I either find extremely odd, or in some cases downright insulting, which I will document:

 

At first when my kids would come to stay she would cook for everyone including them, but somewhere along the line she decided she wasn't going to cook for them any more as they were my responsibility and therefore I should cook for them. So, when they come to stay I cook for the 3 of use Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Let me say that during the week I do cook (occasionally admittedly) but I cook for both her and her son. Its not a problem for me.

 

Also, at first we would do the gorcery shopping together, and as we went around she would get the food we all needed, and food her son needed for school. I would have to remind her to get food for my kids when they came to stay. That became an issue so I then had to start buying their food seperately, so gave up going grocery shopping with her and started getting the kids food on the Friday night they came, so they could choose what they wanted. So, I am buying and cooking separate food every second weekend and each school holidays when the kids stay.

 

After a couple of months of noticing that my kids clothes always seemed to left over when she did the clothes washing I had it out with her and she quite openly said that she was NOT washing their clothes, as like the cooking, that was my responsibility. I told her that she needn't wash my clothes then as I will do mine as well as my kids. Previously, if I had been the one doing the washing I would do the lot, including her son's clothes. Not a problem. On top of that, if I hang out my clothes and she has clothes out she will bring in her clothes and not mine! (well, actually she will once in a blue moon)...

 

We use our dishwasher all the time, and if there are dishes on the bench when the last load is emptied out, she will pack her dishes in and leave mine and my kids' dishes out. Again, my responsibility. Again, if I was putting in the dishes that had accumulated while the dishwasher was being used, I would put in the lot.... Very odd.

 

We have sex when and only when she wants it. To be fair, occasionally if I wanted sex she would agree by saying "if I have to" and assume "the position" and lie there while I do my thing. To me that is not sex, so I have given up initiating it. To her sex is a mechanical act, a means to an end. There is emotion or love in it, and there is no cuddling afterwards. I used to snuggle up to her afterwards, but I may as well have been snuggling up to a manequin, so I have given up.

 

I could go on - there are plenty more things that make you raise your eyebrows, but I need to stop somewhere.

 

I know she has been emailing her sister about me. She considers me a passive aggressive, and her sister seems to have a low opinion, considering me to me pathetic and immature. So much so, she has defriended me off FB. I couldn't care less, but I don't think its fair to talk about me behind my back.

 

We have come close to breaking up several times and each time things have been just fine and dandy for a time after. Quite recently however, we came that close I started looking at flats to move in to, and told her that I wanted to move out to save our relationship. She however ultimately decided against that and said that we simply needed to communicate more. That's all fine and well as long as we are communicating with each other and not running me down behind my back to her sister. Becaue of this I have decided I have had enough. I now prefer being out to being at home and thoroughly enjoy it when she goes out. On top of that we live in the country because she has horses etc. I moved out from town to be with her, away from friends etc. I don't enjoy living out here and our dead relationship just makes it worse.

 

So, I need to break up with her, but need to find the right time and the right way to do it. We work together in the same office, so that is going to be tricky. We both need to find somewhere else to live so that will take time. In the mean time I guess I can shift into the spare room...

[DN]

Break up with her tomorrow. Tell her that the relationship is over and that you will not change you mind. Say that you will move into the spare room and will make the necessary arrangements to live separately as soon as possible.

 

Do not argue and do not back down.