Where is my mind

[Mercurial Girl]

Seriously. I don't recognize myself anymore. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm so anxious, i care so damn much what people think of me. People I know, people I'll never see again. I have zero confidence anymore. I used to be a natural leader, now I'm just a control freak. I'm beyond being an introvert. I'm a scared-of-everything-unfamiliar introvert. Introversion is great, social anxiety is ruining my life.

 

I just broke up with someone I love out of the blue and I don't know why. I don't deserve him anyway. He gets the worst of my moodswings. I was so lucky to be with someone who accepted me for all my shortcomings (and I have more than my share) and who loves me so much and all of a sudden I leave him crying and brokenhearted. Why did I push him away?

 

I don't feel like I have control over my mind or emotions anymore. Who is this person living in my head what happened to the old me? Why can't I be in a good mood for more than a couple hours?

 

Eerythingfeels intimidating to me. I don't do anything intimidating. I have even put off tanning for months, what the hell why?

 

This sounds cliche but I don't even know who I am anymore, I am never myself. I haven't been since I was 10. I was the total goof as a kid and I had many friends but I suddenly changed? I don't know who I am as an adult because it's all been a bit of an act

 

I'm always in some kind of pain. My tummy, daily headaches, neck aches, insomnia, just ask my...ex....I'm always feeling ill one way or another. But I'm pretty "healthy" physically anyway.

 

I don't know why I'm posting this other than that I think I've lost my mind but I'm sitting here not sure what to do about it. I've considered the idea of therapy but 1) I don't get my point accross well because half my vocabulary goes out the window when I'm talking to anyone 2) I don't have money for mittens and winter boots let alone therapy sessions and 3) public counseling services are so busy that they have me on a 1yr waitlist ascrisis situations come first and finally 4) I'll probably put it off for the rest of my life anyway.

 

There's this incredibly sensible and logical person inside me and then there's this nutcase just saying "no" and winning against the logical side.

[r0ckox]

Sounds exactly like me 2 months ago...

 

It gets better... Just give it some time... I know that's not much advice and you've probably heard it 100 times before... but it DOES get better. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me

[Mercurial Girl]

What gets better? My mental state has become worse and worse over the years.

 

This isn't a break up thread, but I'm sure whatever the heck is wrong with me helped me utter those words so hastily.

[r0ckox]

What gets better? My mental state has become worse and worse over the years.

 

This isn't a break up thread, but I'm sure whatever the heck is wrong with me helped me utter those words so hastily.

 

I never said it was a break up thread.

I've been in your exact position just a few months ago, where I felt like I had lost my mind and who I was as well. I became really depressed and started drinking heavily after I started thinking those thoughts.

 

All I'm trying to say is that in time, things start falling back into place. Things get easier and your thought process changes and reverts "back to normal"

[sjjohnson89]

What gets better? My mental state has become worse and worse over the years.

 

This isn't a break up thread, but I'm sure whatever the heck is wrong with me helped me utter those words so hastily.

 

Its not going to get better, just like that. I wish i could say its going to get better like baRx but taking into account what youve said, its not going to unless you actively DO something to help yourself.

 

I suffer from mood swings, sometimes my moods change hourly, sometimes daily, it depends. Im not talking healthy, balanced mood swings with cause and effect. Im talking say, youre having a good day and in a good mood, then all of a sudden its like im so pathetic and useless, or depression or something like that with no reason. So, i understand what its like to have mood swings, i also have social anxiety so i know all about the guards one puts up with people and how easily it becomes to cut people off seemingly without effort. If youve pushed someone though, a guy that sounds like he really liked you and was supportive, if youve pushed him away without reason then i think this should be the last nail in the coffin for you to do something about your issues. You need to seek help, it will not go away on its own rather it will get worse through time and even seep its way into other aspects of your life. Seeing a therapist or even talking to your doctor about it is a good start, though, you will likely be referred to a therapist. What they will do is help you to help yourself, in regards to your mood swings you may even be prescribed medication for it depending on how extreme they are, to even out your moods.

 

It has to start with you wanting and actively going out to seek help though, it wont likely find you on its own.

[Mercurial Girl]

But my thought process has been reverting to more and more effed up for oh, 10 years now? It's not going to help itself. Maybe would have by now. Anything I've been doing so far has not been working to lead me to this.

[Mercurial Girl]

On an unrelatd note, I just saw someone lose control on the highway and watched their car bounce around like a tennis ball. I stopped and ran towards the car flipped over in the median and looked in and I'm sure they're dead. I puked in front of the cops and everyone else who ran out.

[sjjohnson89]

Sounds exactly like me 2 months ago...

 

It gets better... Just give it some time... I know that's not much advice and you've probably heard it 100 times before... but it DOES get better. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me

 

Did you suffer from similar mental issues up till 2 months ago? Or are you referring to hard times which made you feel similar to the OP and its gone away because it wasnt a mental issue rather external/environmental?

[oceandream]

Hi Mercurial Girl,

Have you tried researching anxiety on the internet, there are a lot of other things you can do if you can't afford meds/therapy. Exercise is one way to release natural endorphins. Diet is also important, such as cutting out things like caffeine and excess sugar which can increase anxiety. Also you can borrow free self-help books from the library, I read a study where it said that self-help books can be as effective as psychotherapy for some people so it is worth a try. I also found meditation and mindfulness help too. Also here is a link to a free CBT program link removed and one for depression and anxiety link removed

 

I think it is completely normal to not really know who you are in your 20's because it is like you are navigating yourself through an adult world trying to work out where you belong and where you are headed.

[catfeeder]

On an unrelatd note, I just saw someone lose control on the highway and watched their car bounce around like a tennis ball. I stopped and ran towards the car flipped over in the median and looked in and I'm sure they're dead. I puked in front of the cops and everyone else who ran out.

 

I'm sorry you went through that. The message I'd take from this is that life is short, and there's no reason you need to white knuckle through this alone. If you're in school, your tuition covers student mental health counseling, and I'd get a professional assessment. If not in school, contact your municipality for mental health services and find a counselor who specializes in anxiety.

 

Most of the people on this planet who I admire most have used therapy at some point. I hope you'll consider it. You're smart--so don't box yourself in by your intelligence. There are people who've spent years and thousands training to help people. Hire one of them, and you'll thank yourself later.

 

I hope you'll feel better soon, and hang in there.

[sjjohnson89]

I'm sorry you went through that. The message I'd take from this is that life is short, and there's no reason you need to white knuckle through this alone. If you're in school, your tuition covers student mental health counseling, and I'd get a professional assessment. If not in school, contact your municipality for mental health services and find a counselor who specializes in anxiety.

 

Most of the people on this planet who I admire most have used therapy at some point. I hope you'll consider it. You're smart--so don't box yourself in by your intelligence. There are people who've spent years and thousands training to help people. Hire one of them, and you'll thank yourself later.

 

I hope you'll feel better soon, and hang in there.

 

Exactly, there is nothing wrong with getting therapy. In your case OP, i think its something you really need to do for your own well being. Oceandream stated that there are ways you can help yourself without going to therapy which is true, but, a lot of its effectiveness depends on how deep your issues are. Im a active person physically and i do believe this helps my moods a little as i notice they get worse when ive had to stop being active say due to injury's etc. It doesnt make them go away though, nothing actively do or read does, but it does seem to help a little which is something.

[Mercurial Girl]

I am injured off a very physical job (I burn maybe 1500 calories in a shorter 6 hour day or so) so maybe that has contributed to my rash decision to break up with my boyfriend.

 

The biggest issue I have is access. Public mental health and not-for-profit counseling groups are all so busy and backlogged that I wont get in to an intake interview until 6 months from now.

 

P.S. I have tried various self help books but nothing is resonating with me in them. Too bad, would have been nice to be able to patch myself up from the comfort of my own home.

[catfeeder]

I am injured off a very physical job (I burn maybe 1500 calories in a shorter 6 hour day or so) so maybe that has contributed to my rash decision to break up with my boyfriend.

 

The biggest issue I have is access. Public mental health and not-for-profit counseling groups are all so busy and backlogged that I wont get in to an intake interview until 6 months from now.

 

P.S. I have tried various self help books but nothing is resonating with me in them. Too bad, would have been nice to be able to patch myself up from the comfort of my own home.

 

I'd get on the list. You're gong to need to live with yourself in 6 months whether you get help or not, so why not get the help when it's available?

 

As for patching yourself up, that would be a great idea if this was an acute phase, but you've been dealing with this chronically since a young age. So while books and advice might be good band aids, if you want a long range resolution, get the appropriate help from people who are trained to assess, identify and work with you on a valid and reasonable treatment plan.

[oceandream]

There is no harm trying all different self-help techniques until you can actually get into therapy in 6 months time. Better trying the techniques while you are waiting than doing nothing at all.