Caught him with adult dating site memberships, don't know what to do now

[EmeraldFrog23]

To get an idea of my current situation, I am providing a little backstory about my relationship.

I met my fiance back in 2008 when we worked together for a brief time.

He was a foreigner interning under a J-1 visa.

We dated for a year before his visa expired at the end of 2009 and he was forced to go back to his home. We were pretty serious at this point and continued our relationship long distance. The distance was extremely hard. I found it very difficult to communicate regularly with him and he was not handling the relationship as seriously as I did. We ended up taking a break for several months and got back together. The break seemed to be good for our relationship as he was much more serious and mature about our situation.

Due to financial hardship and job constraints I was unable to see him until February 2011 and we spent 2 months together before I returned to the U.S. While I was visiting he proposed to me and I was very happy.

 

After returning to the U.S. we both decided that we wanted to settle in the U.S. and began discussing trying for the K-1 fiance visa that would allow him to immigrate here and marry me. I asked him to start assembling documents for our immigrant petition but he was taking considerable amount of time. I even had to beg and plead with him at times for him to send me the paperwork. I asked him if he was nervous about leaving his country permanently or if he was getting second thoughts about the relationship and he assured me that he loved me and that this is what he wanted.

 

Last week, I logged into his email account to send a message to the police department in London to inquire if they had processed his application yet(as he worked there previously and we needed police clearances from all places he lived for U.S. immigration). I offered to do this because I have internet access in my home where he does not. He told me last week that he was going to sent the message to the police department himself so I clicked on his sent mailbox to see if he had sent it yet.

In the sent mail I saw 2 messages to an email address that began with "sleazy". I clicked on the messages and was shocked to find that my fiance had written "hello" and "The pics were great". After checking his inbox closer I also seen that he had subscribed to numerous adult dating and hook up sites.

 

Needless to say I was shocked, disgusted, and extremely disappointed and upset. I have already invested so much time and energy into this relationship and it was devastating to see him behave like this.

I confronted him about the emails and the websites. He became defensive and angry and said that he never registered for those websites and that they were coming as spam. In later conversations, he changed his story again and said his friends signed him up for the websites.

As for the emails, he also gave me equally lame excuses until I finally got part of the truth, that a girl had sent him photos from one of the sites and he was responding to her but he kept insisting that he had no "ill intentions" behind it.

I was so upset that I didn't speak to him for a few days.

 

After that I called him back and told him that I would like to forgive him and move past this if he unsubscribed to all the websites and deleted the emails. I gave him 5 days to delete everything which I thought was more than enough time. It's been 3 days already and nothing has been deleted.

I feel so ashamed and horribly disappointed that he does not respect our relationship enough to do this. I told him this today and he still claims he is innocent, and that it was a misunderstading on my part. He also told ME to delete everything that was bothering me. I told him that he was missing the point.

He promised me that everything would be deleted for sure by tomorrow.

 

I'm just so confused and depressed. I don't want to give up on him. I love him and we had a beautiful love story and wonderful future planned together. I have always felt that we were a great couple, motivating each other, encouraging each other, loving each other. Long distance is hard, I know, and with immigration stuff it's even more difficult.

 

In his defense, I understand how the distance can be horribly depressing and lonely. It's very hard especially without the physical aspect. I know myself how much I just miss simple touch that normal couples take for granted even a hug or holding hands. It's very hard too when you succumb to sexual frustration and have no outlet. I'm hoping this is an isolated incident born out of his sexual frustration.

 

I feel like there is no good decision in this situation.

[Angel Irulan]

You really put your relationship to the test when he went back home, and now, that all of these things have occurred, you are angry and unsure. I have email and I get spam and these female bots try to get me to click on a link to their website. I don't. It looks like he did. Okay, my first idea is that what you did was incredibly wrong! You NEVER take someone's email and go through it. No matter what you think was wrong. For a lot of us, that would be a deal breaker.

 

Actually, overall, I am underwhelmed by his commitment to you, and your behavior. How about staying date free, grow up and become the independent new you, and then get back out into the field? That is in all honesty what I would do. The minute he left US soil it was over for him.

 

Angel

[offplanet]

You need to let him go. You're the one doing all the work and planning here, he's not very involved. This is so, even though you two had a wonderful love story at one stage. That's not enough to drive your relationship to a permanent one which is two sided.

[chitown9]

 

In his defense, I understand how the distance can be horribly depressing and lonely. It's very hard especially without the physical aspect. I know myself how much I just miss simple touch that normal couples take for granted even a hug or holding hands. It's very hard too when you succumb to sexual frustration and have no outlet. I'm hoping this is an isolated incident born out of his sexual frustration.

 

OMG! Now you are making exuses for him. Your discovery is a blessing because it is a WARNING not to pursue a relationship with him. Marry him? No way...you escaped a lot of hurt by finding this out now. Drop the bum and move on....

[Mesemene]

If he needed company - he could've borrowed a friend's dog.

 

Seriously hon - nobody needs sleazy pics from a person they're talking to to keep them company. I don't even have issues with my SO's watching porn within reason - but when it's a real person, conversation and sleazy flirting are involved, that crosses even my liberal lines.

 

There's only one kind of "touching" that is usually involved there, and I doubt it was his finer feelings and emotions that were being engaged. You were more understanding than most already - if he really loved you that much, those emails and sites would've been deleted and deactivated within minutes of you bringing them up.

 

If his friends had indeed signed him up for those websites - what the hell is he doing talking to a woman from one asking for pics???

[catfeeder]

You're overly invested in the guy, and you're not allowing yourself to learn your way out of a bad situation.

 

If you don't want to accept that, challenge yourself to stop making any efforts on his behalf--then see how well he steps up to do his part.

 

We never get any wasted time back again to do over again.

 

Respect your Self.

[EmeraldFrog23]

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice. As an update he did delete all the emails and adult dating websites. It's going to be very difficult for me to end this if I do decide to end it.

He does seem truly sorry and remorseful for making me so upset. He said the reason why it took him so long to delete everything was because of the holidays going on (which is true) and all the internet shops were closed. (He does not have internet in his home).

 

I am definitely still considering ending it not only because of the dating sites but for numerous other reasons but I want to make absolute sure that I cannot salvage this relationship. I am still very much in love with him.

Thanks again for all the help

[lalalollipops]

wow his excuses suck. And who cares if he 'really loves you'. Those are just WORDS. WORDS ARE CHEAP.

 

Look at his actions.

[PaintWithLight]

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice. As an update he did delete all the emails and adult dating websites. It's going to be very difficult for me to end this if I do decide to end it.

He does seem truly sorry and remorseful for making me so upset. He said the reason why it took him so long to delete everything was because of the holidays going on (which is true) and all the internet shops were closed. (He does not have internet in his home).

 

I am definitely still considering ending it not only because of the dating sites but for numerous other reasons but I want to make absolute sure that I cannot salvage this relationship. I am still very much in love with him.

Thanks again for all the help

 

What is really going on here?? This guy does not sound like he has much on the ball at all. Is he employed?? Who cannot afford an internet hookup in their home these days? Does he own a car? He sounds like a complete waste of time and yet you are chasing after him. Begging him to complete the form for a K-1 visa which is a long road. If he cannot be fussed enough to become fully involved in the process, where is he going to be at in 6-12 months when he has to pass an embassy interview.

 

Most guys would give their left arm for a loving American woman who cares enough to sponsor them for a visa. This guy just treats you like you are a washer woman. Does he have the skills to make it here in the USA? Follow this down the road and see the logical conclusion once he is here. Part of the K-1 visa is your legal declaration that you will be financially liable for his expenses and lodging once he arrives. What if this fool decides to never look for a job and just stay on home on your free internet and chat up porn women all day long?

 

Is there a big age age? Do you feel he is much better looking than you? What is the true reason behind you chasing after this guy long distance when he seems only be after a visa?

[superfox]

Hang on, he has no Internet access but is reg'd with adult sites? Does he sit in an Internet cafe and look at dirty pictures?! Wow. I'd get rid.

[Zisskeit]

Married you so he could live in US. Cheated on you and lied to you. Bad man. Dump. Game over.

[ParisPaulette]

Sigh, everyone repeat after me:

a) sleazy websites do send spam to everyone, but it's in the spam folder and not responded to in the outbox or sent folder if that's all that happened

b) little elves or gremlins do not log into random emails to send responses to women or men on said sleazy websites and

c) nope these same little spammers don't just mysteriously get added one's email and IM contacts either by way of elves or hackers. (Trust me, hackers have alot better things to do with your email than answer sleazy porn adds on your behalf)

d) the excuse "my friends signed me up for that porn/sleazy dating site" is so old and trite and overused that I am hereby urging everyone who reads this to take serious action to have this one retired to the Hall of Don't Even Try It by dumping the nearest slushee/cup of coffee/soda/toxic vat of waste or whatever other liquid is close at hand over the head of the person who is dumb enough to utter this excuse - and worse - who thinks the person being told that excuse is dumb enough to believe it

e) remember if you catch your SO online on these types of sites that's only what you can see--chances are very good they're also doing things offline like going to bars and clubs for the same reason they're on a sleazy dating site.

f) no one who is seriously committed to a relationship logs into or joins these types of online services - seriously

 

Okay, humor aside I saw your other post and yes I can definitely see how this guy is sucking the life out of you. And he will continue to do so right up to the day you finally realize that now that the honeymoon period is over in the relationship all you've got left is what he's really like. Take a good hard look and take it from someone who'se been through all of it including the dating site excuses--it only gets worse. And you'll wonder why you ever put up with any of it once you've been free for awhile.

[Mesemene]

d) the excuse "my friends signed me up for that porn/sleazy dating site" is so old and trite and overused that I am hereby urging everyone who reads this to take serious action to have this one retired to the Hall of Don't Even Try It by dumping the nearest slushee/cup of coffee/soda/toxic vat of waste or whatever other liquid is close at hand over the head of the person who is dumb enough to utter this excuse - and worse - who thinks the person being told that excuse is dumb enough to believe it

 

Thank you for a good laugh for today - this made my day!!!!

[EmeraldFrog23]

I know what you're saying and where you are going with this but I don't suspect any underlying immigration intent. Despite the lies and the infidelity, I know him pretty well. Plus, he's had other opportunities to marry me while he was still in the U.S. but he never pressured me to do it.

As long as I've known him, he's always been a hardworking man. While he was in the U.S. he held two jobs. He does have a job right now but it does not pay very well, especially if you convert it to U.S. currency and hold it up to American standards.

As for the internet hook up, he lives in a rural part of a country that is still considered "third world" so it is taking some time for his area to catch up with the technology of the rest of the world.

 

There is no large age difference. He is one year older than me and I consider our attractive levels to be comparable. I am very much in love with him still and just wanted to put in any last efforts to salvage the relationship but it looks like there is no hope in that anymore. I was hard on him about getting the paperwork to me in a timely manner but only because I wanted to start the process as soon as possible and get him here.

 

Thank you for your response.

[EmeraldFrog23]

Married you so he could live in US. Cheated on you and lied to you. Bad man. Dump. Game over.

 

Not married yet, only engaged. I can honestly and confidently say that he is not using me for a visa. He's had multiple other opportunities to get to the U.S. and other countries but he has not pursued them. Also he had plenty of opportunity to pressure me into marrying him during the year we dated while he was working in the U.S. He never uttered a single word about marrying me at that time.

 

I'm not trying to defend what he did or his current behavior involving our K-1 case. I know what he did was wrong, he did cheat and lie to me which is horrible and total betrayal of my trust in him.

[catfeeder]

Despite the lies an infidelity you know him pretty well?

 

What should this tell you?

[EmeraldFrog23]

Despite the lies an infidelity you know him pretty well?

 

What should this tell you?

 

Yeah it sounds pretty bad. I've just come to accept he is a compulsive liar and there is nothing I can do to change him. Moving on and going our separate ways seems to be the only option at this stage but I don't even know where to begin....

[catfeeder]

Yeah it sounds pretty bad. I've just come to accept he is a compulsive liar and there is nothing I can do to change him. Moving on and going our separate ways seems to be the only option at this stage but I don't even know where to begin....

 

Begin exploring ways to make your own life fulfilling without him. That's where we all need to start, and the payoff is bigger and better than you can possibly imagine at this time. So just trust that, and do what it takes to put this guy in hindsight.

[ParisPaulette]

Thank you for a good laugh for today - this made my day!!!!

 

Thanks Mesemene!

 

 

And EmeraldFrog23 you'll be okay. You know he's a compulsive liar, you've admitted it and that he is draining you so it's time to let go. Honestly since he's in another country the best way for you to start is simply to stop calling, emailing or responding to him in any way and get on with your life. No one can fix someone else's problems for them. If that were the case we sure wouldn't have any drug addicts or alcoholics or cheaters left, because others would be more than glad to help them stop those destructive behaviors. But we can't. Only they can.

 

What you can do right now is take care of yourself and move forward with your life until the day you meet someone who will actually love and value you for who you are. Stay strong.