bdbmwer Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Hey, so its a little over a month post breakup. the relationship only lasted 2 months. I went NC(announced) for a week broke it for a week and then went back to NC(unnanounced) up until our recent convo. During NC i got myself back, became more confident then ever, look better than ever, reflected on what made our relationship fail in the first place, and hung out with her friends out at clubs probably a little more than i should have. anyways on the 20th I texted her to clear the air and let her know I wasnt hanging out with them to make her jealous or anything . she replied with " well its annoying cause you always go out with them when i dont. Its like ur hiding from me." so I took this as my Q and just told her " I guess it just happens like that. they ask and i agree to go." and then suggested we meet after class on monday for smoothies which we always used to do together. During NC she met with me once(when it got broken),texted me twice and called me. All of the latter were ignored and she also displayed other traits that showed she still had feelings such as jealousy and she used jealousy in class too. Therefore I think i gave her enough time to miss me and think theres something there. SO, on our first meeting do i set boundaries such as "were hanging out as exs not friends" or do I just treat it like any other person , speak freely and have a good time laughing and joking.how serious if at all should this be? Is there anything in particular I should or Shouldnt say or do besides the obvious begging crying or generally being negative Link to comment
myhonestanswer Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 I reckon you're probably over-thinking it all. Treat her like any other friend, but, in a nod to your previous relationship it would probably be best not to bring up dating and such. Other than that, just be normal. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Yeah don't meet up with her. Link to comment
Jfrench14 Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Just go and have fun. Dont go there and define it as ex's meeting up or friends meeting up dont mention it at all. In your mind think of it as dating a new girl you just want to have fun and most importantly you want her to have fun aswell. I wouldnt advise bringing up the relationship yet just enjoy yourself and let it come naturally cos if you try force the relationship its just going to put pressure on both of you. good luck let us know how it goes. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 If she has you this messed up after two months imagine what you'll be like after a couple more. I think you should RUN. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 She messed me up bad because i allowed it to happen and was way too open. Ive lived and learned. I realise that some would not advocate me seeing her at all anymore but the meetings already set and at the end of the day it would be nice to reconcile at some point. after all its why im here.I do appreciate yall having my best interest in mind though as far as everyone telling me I should act friendly, i appreciate the advice. HOW friendly though? like should I do things to hint that its not JUST friends and keep the meeting charged such as a peck on the cheek at the end or allow myself to just be talked to about any random thing friends would talk about. Link to comment
myhonestanswer Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 No, when we say friendly we mean friendly. If we meant hinting about being together and acting sexy we would have said that. Link to comment
imonlyhuman Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 She messed me up bad because i allowed it to happen and was way too open. Ive lived and learned. I realise that some would not advocate me seeing her at all anymore but the meetings already set and at the end of the day it would be nice to reconcile at some point. after all its why im here.I do appreciate yall having my best interest in mind though as far as everyone telling me I should act friendly, i appreciate the advice. HOW friendly though? like should I do things to hint that its not JUST friends and keep the meeting charged such as a peck on the cheek at the end or allow myself to just be talked to about any random thing friends would talk about. you didn't mess up by being open. being open is what's needed for a successful long term relationship. it's a risk we take if we want to truly love someone, and the downside is that it opens us to a lot of hurt. and it's ok. only hang out with her if you think you can handle it and can be friends with her. if not, don't just hang out with her because she wants to. she has absolutely no say over what you do or not do. it's all about you, and your healing, and your happiness. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 @myhonestanswer even if im not looking for just her friendship? im ok with it and can take the rejection just thought it be noteworth that its not my general goal. @imonlyhuman I suppose youre right. but maybe not be so open so fast? and ive had plenty of confidence boosters since the BU so im definitely ready and the want to meet up is rather mutual. Is it ok for me to be able to handle it and capable of being friends but not want to be? like ill do it for the sake of reconciliation but asides from that I have no real interest in being just her friend Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 So I kind of don't want to even have this meeting anymore. How can I politely cancel so it doesn't seem like some gameplan the entire time? And even though it's not my intention is it possible this will increase my attraction? Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Why did you change your mind? Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 her friends came to a party I was at with my friends and the one that I always hang out with asked me to come back with them and crash at her place. Why i did this I DO NOT KNOW. very tore up though. anyways she told me that talking to her last night she made it sound like she wasnt interested in me and she was pretty into this other dude Thats been in the picture still. I thought he was gone because I hadnt heard about him or them being out together in a while. So I figure if thats what she wants thats what she gets because im not gonna put in anymore effort. I met a girl at a show this weekend and it just kind of opened my eyes. Having all her friends around me at parties makes me feel good because it looks good ha so i guess thats why i keep falling into this trap.But theyre also preventing me from meeting new girls which I FINALLY realized. Also notable that the day after were supposed to meet all my friends and all her friends are supposed to go to the club sooo idk if using this to clear the idea is a good idea? idk where we stand whether shed get pissed and freak out if I danced with another girl in front of her or if shes gonna get drunk and try to dance with me and further complicate things. Just all sounds like bad news Link to comment
learning2relax Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I would tell her that you need to reschedule as you have something else to attend to at that time. And then just leave it at that. As far as increasing your attraction? No ploy, plot, strategy, etc...will increase her attraction to you. If you think about when you first met her and were first attracted to each other, were you doing such things? No.... You exhibited traits to her that she admired and was attracted to you as a result. So being happy, confident, self assured, etc... are the way to increase people's attraction to you. How do you do this? You focus on yourself and through the process of trial and error, find things to do that make you happy and the rest will follow. When you are focused on yourself and not her, if she notices, and then reaches out, by the time you meet up then, your head will be in a different place. It will be more matter of fact for you. A friendly meeting with someone you care or cared for. In that meeting, she will see the same traits that attracted her in the first place. There is no secret way to act to make this happen other than what comes from within you that puts that energy out for others to witness. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 excelently put learning2 . I have been just having fun for the past 3 weeks and enjoying my life and I didnt mean acting in a planned , game playing way. When she noticed and reached out I ignored her which idk if that helped me or hurt me but here we are now ha.I definitely plan on being myself but was just unsure about any specifics that need to be discussed on this meeting such as do I tell her how I feel about going to the club in the same group? Link to comment
learning2relax Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 excelently put learning2 . I have been just having fun for the past 3 weeks and enjoying my life and I didnt mean acting in a planned , game playing way. When she noticed and reached out I ignored her which idk if that helped me or hurt me but here we are now ha.I definitely plan on being myself but was just unsure about any specifics that need to be discussed on this meeting such as do I tell her how I feel about going to the club in the same group? I say the less you make it about her the better....so no, I wouldn't tell her about your feelings. Telling her about your feelings is making it her responsibility. Your feelings are your responsibility. You get to decide what to do and what not to do. If you don't feel comfortable doing something, don't do it. It is that simple. If you are telling her about your feelings, you are making an assumption that she is interested in hearing them. You do what you need to do for you, if you aren't in a relationship, there really isn't a need to share. If they care, they will inquire. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Can't argue with that logic. Althought I do think she cares it probably doesn't matter whether she Does or doesn't. The hard part for me is going to be keeping this "I don't care about anything involving her" attitude no matter what happens Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 the problem with me not bringing these things up is that when we do go to the club....I wont know how im allowed to act. and yes i know i dont have to be ALLOWED anything because im single but we all know theres certain emotions at stake here and certain actions close doors like if I decide to dance with another girl. Should I just do it anyways? Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 WOO just got done with the meeting and it went if not perfect then pretty close to it in my eyes. but ill share so the wise ones on ENA can pass judgement. As we exited class she seemed like she didnt know what to think and was like "whatd you want to talk about?" in a cold tone but i responded in a confident nice tone and told her she looked goodand she thanked me and opened right up from there. We engaged in small talk and brought up old funny things that we had between us in the past like "the face". I kept the tone light and fun and she was laughing repeatedly. The whole meeting took around 30 minutes and near the end it started getting more serious as she began talking about the issue of me hanging with her friends and at first she was hostile and was like "im going to hang out with taylor(my best friend who I have a lot of resentment towards for always pursuing my girls and she knows that)" but I shruged it off and explained to her that It was never intentional to harm her in any way and i was just going with the flow. I told her that I understand though and that id be upset too if I were in her shoes and I would stop hanging out with them if shed like. at this point she became much nicer and was like sorry im not trying to be a * * * * * it just got on my nerves idk why i brought it up and I told her it was ok that you should say whats on your mind so that it gets fixed(to let her know that im always open to listen and work with her) She agreed with me and then asked how we started hanging out anyways and responded positively to my explenation but then brought up a particular instance where i was with her friend and mine and had the option of going to the club where everyone i knew was or going to a party where her,her new bf, and all her friends were. apparently the friend i was with told her I didnt want to go to where she was BECAUSE her and her BF were there. But i explained to her that i wasnt avoiding her just all my friends were at the club and she seemed to accept my answer and chalk it up to her friend just wording it differently. then she straight up tested me and said " and chase(her new guy) was there does that bother you?" I replied with "nope whatever makes you happy" and smiled . so I made sure to change the tone from serious back to fun stuff with a bit more light convo then ended the meeting by saying I had to go check up on my mother in the hospital . We hugged and I said it was nice seeing her which she mirrored. As I was leaving she said "see you at the club tomorrow!" and then texted me right after we parted ways with "does this mean we can be fb friends now?" I replied with "yea thats fine" I know I shouldnt expect this to mean anything but I cant help but feel good at how it went. If anything I might have oversold myself a bit but i have truly been up to a LOT since the break. thoughts? what did i do wrong? also noteworthy is she looked much more done up than she usually does and she also pointed out my new clothes and shoes. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Dude.......I......*SMFH* Whatever man you've resisted good advice every step of the way. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Lol @ Joe. Y'all are friends now. Awesome. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 It's not going to end well. I'm not one for absolutes but I have this funny feeling, haha. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 He's such a tease too. Just when I think there may be some hope...there he goes again. Lol. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 im sorry. I bought the magic of making up and it advised to treat it that way?. am I * * * * ed even if i dont initiate contact? I just got mixed advice around the internet and went with what felt right but I DO listen to your advice ive turned down hanging with her friends twice since and I WILL do as you advise I promise. If you tell me to stop hanging with her friends I will stop cold turkey. Also she hasnt sent the request and I havent accepted it yet so i guess its not point of no return hopefully? Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 It's too late. You need to just disappear. I doubt she'll send the FB request because she knows she has got you and has likely joked about it with her friends already. Young girls are cruel man, gotta maintain boundaries and put them in their place. It's the congenial guy with healthy boundaries, not the bad-boy or Mr. Nice guy that gets and keeps the girl. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 when she asked to be friends on FB my better half told me to tell her "one step at a time" but then all my friends were like no no accept it then keep your updates fun and let her see all the fun youre having. guess i knew I was right but listened to them anyways. I can always ignore the friend request Link to comment
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