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I would really appreciate your views on my situation


I met someone about a month ago. We had a date (well actually a sex date). Before I met him, I was convinced I didn't want to have a relationship and preferred to keep things casual.

After this first date we communicated really a lot (like 3 to 4 hours a day) and my focus on all other things disappeared. We had in the next week 5 more dates. All of them very good and although mainly focused on sex we also had some very good talks and especially laughs

I knew he was kinda dating someone but it didn't seemed to be too serious and as i wasn't looking for someone , i didn't really care.

On the 7th date something went wrong and I felt weird all of the sudden and left (in a decent manner). After that things really became awkward (I did offer my appologies). SO after a week of problematic conversations (where he kept contacting me, singing me songs etc but didn't want to see me), I wanted to stop the whole thing. I just wanted to enjoy his company and didn't want to have strange situations and i didn't feel like begging to see him. So we kept out of contact for a period.

I seriously considered having something with someone's else and the opportunity was there, but in the end I decided not to go ahead.

After about a week I asked him to if he wanted to see me; he did and an hour later I was already again in his bed. He was very kind, but his behaviours confuses me a lot. Sometimes he says things like i love you etc, but on the other hand he seems to send out some messages that he doesn't want to see me too much.


I really want to be close to him right now, I'm not sure about my feelings nor about his. However as he keeps sending me so many mixed messages I'm really starting to get annoyed about it. I want the opportunity to find out in an honest way if there really can be someting between us, but now i feel i'm pressured to play games and i'm not even sure my interest isn't caused by his behaviour about being diffucult to meet me.

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Dear undecidedgirl,


I think the real question is do you want a real relationship with this man - or - do you just like going to bed with him but feel pressured to make it a real relationship for the sake of appearances.


Right now it seems like you enjoy his company, but feel confused by the ambiguous nature of the relationship.


If you dig deep I think you will find that this is more a meeting of bodies than a meeting of the soul. And that is okay. I can't help thinking that you are both in the same place right now. Neither wants to be rejected, but neither wants to make it more than it is. Let's be honest, neither of you is looking for a serious relationship here.


It is what it is.


I've had Friend-With-Benefits relationships, where they have dropped the "I love you" to my astonishment. Further on down the line, I realised it's more a "Why don't you love me" kind of a deal. "Aren't I rocking your world?" I see it as more as an insecurity thing on their part. They are not lying persue, but they are a bit confused. Close bodies, yet not close emotions. Anybody can get a bit bewildered. Nobody wants to feel used. I think guys expect girls to fall in love when it comes to semi regular sex. That is an issue. Yet as long as both parties treat each other with respect and politeness regardless of the form the relationship takes, then you can save a lot of problems arising.


Having said that, in these sort of situations you have to continuely check to see if you are both in the same place emotions wise, or some-one will get hurt. That is the tricky part.


If this situation is to continue, then you will have to agree the parameters sensitively and honestly. That is is a low key physical thing when you have a spare minute - and not a "let's get married thing." A bit of fessing up is called for on both sides. If you feel uncomfortable in this sort of scenario, then by all means, call time on the arrangement and have some time on your own. It is not for every-one and you shouldn't feel pressured into some sort of arrangement that just isn't you.


I don't think his behaviour is confusing. He is loving the sex and pillow talk and right now that is enough for him in his life. Nothing wrong with that. It only because difficult if you truly want something more or suspect you are falling in love with him. If that is the case, then it is time to end it.



Good Luck



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The problem with having sex and then stopping is that it can look like a 'bait and switch' manipulation and that is a real turn-off.


Talk to him and find out where he sees things heading. If you aren't on the same page then look for someone who is.

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