Help me please

[RiverLife]

Hey ex/girlfriend tried to break up with me Wednesday saying how she wanted to remain friends. I told her politely that I couldn't remain friends because it would be too painful after spending 13 months with her. I told her that i loved her and i was willing to make things work out to strengthen our communication, because i admit that’s where I was failing as a boyfriend. She eventually went into a severe panic attack and I had to call her mom. After this her mom took care of her at my dorm at school, and eventually I left them to have their privacy. Very shortly after i got a text message saying please come in. I went into the dorm and the mother wanted to take my ex/girlfriend home. My ex/girlfriend asked me to come with her because she needed me. So I ended up driving an hour to get down to her house. While she relaxed for a while longer her mom eventually left. Then I asked, "I really need to know where I stand, am I your boyfriend or am i your ex?" She began crying and went into another panic attack. Her mom rushed back and through more talking the agreement was to let her think about what she wants and talk to me the next day. Eventually as I tried to leave the house she didn't want me to leave, so i stayed. She ended up kissing me saying she loved me and then i walked out the door.

 

Eventually as i arrived at school, the same time i saw my ex/girlfriend getting dropped off by her car. She immediately ran towards me and grabbed my arm saying she missed me so much she couldn't leave me. That we need to talk about the relationship and strengthening the communication. The next night I slept very well, and eventually later that day she broke up with me. Officially of that moment I was considered the ex. I talked to her about everything i wanted and what she meant to me, i wrote down ways that we could strengthen our communication. She still cried. Eventually i asked her if I could take her to a spot on a river where we fell in love, she refused. I knew in my heart that I went down swinging. I tried everything that i could do.

 

Later that night less then a few hours later she knocked on my dorm saying how she couldn't go a couple hours without seeing me and knowing how i was doing. She wanted to stay a little bit, and i explained that we couldn't keep doing this. That she had to make a choice to be with me, try again or leave. She still wanted to stay but she eventually left wanting to give me a hug and left.

 

Eventually Friday came. I managed to get myself out of bed to go to classes with my heart broken. I still tried to be positive listening to my friends. She eventually texted me saying "Would you by any chance be free at 1pm", i replied "Why" then she said "I would like to talky to you, if you would give it a chance" Eventually we met and she discussed what made her happy and things we could do to help the relationship be stronger. Those objectives that she wanted in the relationship and objectives that I wanted in mine. She said she didn't want to get back together right now because she wanted a full day of relaxation with me and no distractions then start dating. And to start doing it right.

 

She texted me saying, "How am i doing baby?" and stuff later in the day. Im still going through so much anxiety because i don't want her to change her mind again. It hurts so much to be this person that she changes minds on. That she can't decide and I'm just being there. I want things to work out so badly and I'm willing to give it a shot. But the jumping rope is killing me. I guess I can't really figure out what’s going to happen until later today.

 

I know the grammar really bad and so is the spelling, I'm just writing this down very quickly to vent somehow. I just need to know what people think and any advice. Its so painful to experience and i just want to be with her or be on the process of healing. Its hard to live my life without knowing where i stand. I constantly worry too much and i love her. I just want to make things work out. I'll post on here more often saying my story if anyone willing to listen. But if you are thank you for your time.

 

Your friend

 

J.

[Jfrench14]

Hey i really feel for you mate i went through very similair stuff with my ex about 2 months ago one moment she would would want to break up and then the next she didnt want to. It really confused and hurt me cos all I wanted was to make her happy. I think what you need to do now is give her a lot of space which it sounds like you have been trying to do. She really needs to make a decision cos its wrong what she is doing to you. Stay strong mate I really hope it works out the way you want it to.

[DN]

Tell her that you will give her one week in which to make up her mind and that you will not contact her nor do you want her to contact you in that time. At the end of a week you expect her to either make a commitment or break up - and you will take either decision as final.

[annie24]

wow, sounds like a lot of drama. why did she want to break up with you in the first place? not sure what one day of relaxation is going to change?? i think like DN said - a 1 week break to think might be more appropriate. and i don't blame you for not wanting to be friends with an ex.

[agent1607307371]

Two panic attacks trying to break up with you?

 

Sounds to me like it's over, but her anxiety is preventing her from closing everything down properly - she wants to be alone, but is also scared of you being gone.

[RiverLife]

She is depressed because we just started this new school, i went through a lot of drama with family and leaving friends. So naturally i became a little depressed. All i can do now is saying im sorry i wasn't there and try to make amends. She told me she's gonna contact me today, but I'm not sure how i should approach it. I want to be with her so badly and make things right. I've started hanging out with my friends which is helping me a lot and i know i can make a positive difference in the relationship if only i had a chance. I told her today i would give her a chance at 2 if she decides to break my heart again i'll tell her she has a week to change her mind and i won't speak to her. Every time so goes No contact, she ends up cracking and contacting me in person. (She knows exactly my dorm and i live down the hall from her, not to mention she's in one of my classes) She said last time we talked she wants to make things right and work on communications and ways that we won't resent each other in the new relationship. I told her every time we argue we never acknowledge that they are feelings the other person is having and we're both too hard headed and want to win the argument. It shouldn't be that way and we should acknowledge the other feelings and come up with some kind of compromise then comfort afterwords. I have ideas but if she's not willing to do it, then i will bring my ideas in a new relationship. Till then i just have to wait till 2-3pm my time to figure out what happens. I hope things work out but if they don't i guess i'll start posting in the healing after the break up forum.

 

Your friend

 

J.

[Thorshammer]

Wow, she seems unstable. Were you stressing her out in the relationship? It seems she's really scared of losing you, but needs you out of her life asap.

[RiverLife]

I've been stressing her out cas of a side effects of some previous meds which caused anxiety and paranoia. She ended up calling me today to break up with me. All i know is i tried so hard in the relationship. My best friends constantly tell me that i always put all the effort in the relationship. When she went through depression 2 summers ago, she had no friends and continued to refuse friends until this school year. Eventually as she got friends i was put on the back burner. I felt used, hurt, and depressed. I've dropped everything to help her in her time of need. Then this is how i got treated. She broke up with me and got back together with me 3 times in 4 days. Her mother thinks i was an amazing boyfriend i heard she's arguing with her because of her decision from what my ex said on the phone. But none the less i've been in a wreck all day. I still wonder what the conversation with her mom and her is. But i don't know what to feel about the break up. I feel so lost. Im gonna refuse to talk to her and do the No Communication route. While my ex is on campus I'm gonna talk to her little brother, mother, and mother boyfriend apologizing about the relationship and saying i gave it my all. This is probably the last time i will ever see those people. Which hurts a lot, but at least i can do that so i can heal. Thank you guys for taking the time and replying to my message. I won't give up and i'll continue to heal every day. I think I'm gonna move this forum into the healing section.

 

Your Friend

 

J.

[agent1607307371]

I'm gonna talk to her little brother, mother, and mother boyfriend apologizing about the relationship and saying i gave it my all.

 

Do not do this. Seriously.

[RiverLife]

I talked to her family, and they seemed sad and supportive saying stuff happens. Its just I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I miss her so much. I miss the habits we had and the text messages in the morning. Im not sure what I'm suppose to do. Im gonna try and heal but man it seems so hard. Its just i called her last night asking to get back together and try to make things right, because i know part of her is having a hard time going back and forth which shows she cares. Im not sure what I'm suppose to do.

[annie24]

I agree that talking to her family about this is just adding more drama to the situation. I wouldn't have done that either. In any case, what's done is done. I would go no contact right now to 1- have some time to heal, and 2 - it gives her the opportunity to miss you. something she doesn't have if you are asking to reconcile every other day. time is your friend.

[RiverLife]

Yea, the hard part is that i live just down the hall from her in my college. She's in the cafeteria, she's in the hallway. I saw her today and i didn't say anything i just walked away. She looked concern but i just left. My friends are having my back and say I'm better without a person who's so wishy washy. I hope there right but i miss her with all my heart and i want things to work out.

[RiverLife]

I just feel since her depression she became very clingy and refused friends. Once she finally received friends i was put on the back burner then eventually her priorities became different. These are friends she just met. Im just wondering if its the grass is greener effect. Will she come back? What do i do when she contacts? Im doing no communication, but i still want things to work out. I want to move on but i always don't wanna give up. I helped her with her depression and we have a deep connection i just don't wanna give up on it. Specially with her wishy washy makes me wonder whats on her mind.

[SudoMB]

I just feel since her depression she became very clingy and refused friends. Once she finally received friends i was put on the back burner then eventually her priorities became different. These are friends she just met. Im just wondering if its the grass is greener effect. Will she come back? What do i do when she contacts? Im doing no communication, but i still want things to work out. I want to move on but i always don't wanna give up. I helped her with her depression and we have a deep connection i just don't wanna give up on it. Specially with her wishy washy makes me wonder whats on her mind.

 

 

Hmmm...I can sort of relate to how you're feeling. I haven't read up totally on GiG, but I believe personally, that sometimes it can take the form of things other than a personal relationship. For your ex, it looks like her getting over her depression and making friends (something it seems like she might not have done without your help..but who can say) is conflicting to her, since shes experiencing things she might not have done before.

 

Will she come back? Who can say..

 

I think I can relate, because when I met my ex, she did not (still does not), have any close friends, and while we did meet online, the activities I helped introduce her to, started to boost her self confidence, and over come aspects of her social anxiety. I'm not sure I can take full credit for helping her with those things, but we formed a very deep relationship, and I do know in other areas, I was able to help her out.

 

At some point, I started to notice she wanted more from our online activities than I could provide, and since I could not keep up, things started to snow ball (co dependency). I do know that since the break up, she's done what I knew she wanted to do, and as such, has made more "online" friends. And while I've expressed my intentions to try and reconcile, we're at this odd place where she can enjoy my company (when she wants), but still gets to do what she wants. Conventional wisdom on here says to drop NC, but I'm not sure that would work here. She's...different.

 

But on to your situation..in summary, you did probably help her out, and you do have a deep connection with her. But at the same time, if she's growing in a different direction, you're either going to be an obstacle, or a partner in that growth, and its kind of up to her to decide that.

 

Same with my ex.

[RiverLife]

Yea, i remember right before we broke up that she said she "Felt that she was being pulled in every which direction" That her friends was pulling her, i was pulling her, school was pulling her, and her parents were pulling her. It was stressful to hear, I dropped down the NC but its really hard stuff. I still want her to come back but i think its for the best if she enjoys her friends. Im gonna have to get out and make some of my own in this school. I just wish that she could find a balance and i hope that me disappearing for awhile will help her realize that.