the one who got away?

[Princess123]

I'm worried... if I made a mess of things and did the wrong thing.

 

I just feel like he would be the one who got away, that I let get away because I'm fearful of how a long distance relationship will affect us. I'm really worried about doing a long distance relationship while in school. That is conflicting because it may help me study more or concentrate but then again it can throw me off track. I don't want to be easily distracted and fall hard for him and then be stressing out over when he leaves (after he has visted for the weekend). Or thinking I wish he could be here right now or I wish we could be doing this or I wish I could have him hold me every night and kiss me every night or I wish he was here for this. Having him only for 2-3 days (or less? once a month?) and then he has to leave... I don't think I could handle it. Then I think I'm being dumb because he would be completely more than worth it.

 

It's crazy... he has seriously every quality I could ever want in a guy. I just never met someone so wonderful as him. He is beautiful... When I stumbled upon him I had this really great feeling about him so I got him in my little corner.

 

How do long distance relationships really work? Do they work? I'm in one state and he's in another that isn't even driving distance.

 

I'm in college and he has a career, its unfair for him to always visit me and have to pay for plane tickets. Even that alone stresses me out.

 

I can think of all the great things and then I can also think of how will this work, is it going to really just break our hearts?

 

I lay here thinking about him, wondering if me telling him I can't handle it was the right thing... I wish I could see him right now and have him hold me. Wish I could jump on a plane right now...

 

Side note: I think I made it worse earlier. I don't know if I want kids, more sure that I don't. I know he does and it was the longest conversation about not knowing for definite for another decade and this and that. I don't want such a great person to feel "stuck" with someone who isn't sure of kids.

[Josh8]

The children issue is MAJOR. The long-distance thing, not so much. That distance can be overcome. I would certainly relocate for the right woman. I think long distance relationships can work, but you both have to be REALLY comfortable spending a lot of time alone until that physical distance can be lessened. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. So, if you can commit to only talking once or twice a week, that could be the way to make it work.

 

As for wanting kids, you need to have a serious discussion with him. If you can't get him to conceive of a life without children, it's best not to move forward. Make it absolutely clear that you will never change your mind (even if you think you could at some point). That way, if you never do, there's never an issue.

 

Also, I think you're wrong for viewing as if he'd be "stuck" without having kids. If it's that important to him, he'll break it off to do that at some point. He won't be stuck, my dear.

 

I know how you feel about the kids issue. I too don't think I want a family in that sense. It's difficult when you meet someone who seems so amazing and yet, they have such different goals.

[Princess123]

No duh he wouldn't be stuck. I mean feel stuck because by that conversation happening in another decade we be heavily committed. Like by then being in love and then not wanting kids still, that would be a feeling of "stuck". Not obligated to stay but just tough.

 

Okay so I'm being silly with this long distance thing?

 

I think he thinks that a majority of me will have that "mothering" phase later on in life. Ehh, maybe I should of made a discussion on the kids thing because that is what was really weighing my decision. I don't think he gets how much unsure I am of kids. Bigger part of me is just nope I'm selfish I want to spend money on myself. I've gotten to a point where I think if you don't have a substantial amount of income you can't/shouldn't have kids. Yes people do it all the time but why have a kid if you don't have substantial income to support them? I wouldn't want to barely get by or just get by. I also really don't think I could be that mom kind of person.

[In the Dark]

I don't think this is an uncertainty on his behalf about you and the kids but more of a most likely expected you to have a reluctance but hoping.

 

From what i recall you are relatively young still and have a life head if you.

If you are unsure you are willing to be with a partner with a pre-made family then there is always going to be a risk involved.

The question is....

Is he worth the risk?

If someone charming, etc etc....decides to initiate interest in you and has no kids would you have feelings of leave this guy you are currently chatting with?

If so then, I don;'t think this is going to be a strong relationship.

 

The children he has could hamper your ambitions in a relationship, which you may come in conflict with due to his unavoidable situation.

I would not call you completely selfish for wanting to spend money on only you, bu it would be nice to spend money on the guy too as I am sure he would do also.

The kids are HIS obligation and you do not NEED to spend money on them nor should you be expected to.

 

Some people have kids without the thought of money, but most likely due to unintentionally falling pregnant or getting someone pregnant.

Or worst case scenario, used as leverage for a partner to stay with them.

[DN]

If you don't want kids and he does then that is a relationship ending impasse. It would be unfair to continue the relationship because someone is going to get hurt.

[Josh8]

I think he thinks that a majority of me will have that "mothering" phase later on in life. Ehh, maybe I should of made a discussion on the kids thing because that is what was really weighing my decision. I don't think he gets how much unsure I am of kids. Bigger part of me is just nope I'm selfish I want to spend money on myself. I've gotten to a point where I think if you don't have a substantial amount of income you can't/shouldn't have kids. Yes people do it all the time but why have a kid if you don't have substantial income to support them? I wouldn't want to barely get by or just get by. I also really don't think I could be that mom kind of person.

 

This doesn't change the advice I gave you. Don't go to him with ANY uncertainty. Tell him that, hands-down, you will never want kids, ever and that you do not wish to be a mother now, or in the future. This way, you'll be able to know if he can truly conceive of a life without having kids. If so, move forward with the relationship and try to make the long distance thing work. If not, move on.

[Princess123]

He does NOT have kids.

 

But that is why I was thinking maybe not. I know he wants kids and at this point I'm unsure. I don't want him to be with someone who isn't sure and probably won't ever have that maternal instinct. Even people my age known since they were even kids they wanted kids. I just don't see it and I don't know if I wll.

 

He was telling me that its essentially natural to want to have kids and a tough time finding someone who doesn't want them. So it's almost like saying its bound to happen and will I not date if I can't find someone who doesn't want them???

 

I do believe most people want kids. I just don't see it.

 

My head feels like its spinning.

[Fudgie]

Him mentioning you possibly going through a "mothering" stage later is his way of saying: "I think you will change your mind."

 

If you don't want kids and he does, that's definitely a deal breaker. Neither side will be happy.

 

This is truly one of those things that you just CAN'T compromise on.

[Fudgie]

He does NOT have kids.

 

But that is why I was thinking maybe not. I know he wants kids and at this point I'm unsure. I don't want him to be with someone who isn't sure and probably won't ever have that maternal instinct. Even people my age known since they were even kids they wanted kids. I just don't see it and I don't know if I wll.

He was telling me that its essentially natural to want to have kids and a tough time finding someone who doesn't want them. So it's almost like saying its bound to happen and will I not date if I can't find someone who doesn't want them???

 

I do believe most people want kids. I just don't see it.

 

My head feels like its spinning.

 

Your husband is full of crap. Shame on him.

 

He's basically guilting you into having children with him because he says it's "natural" and "good luck finding someone who doesn't want them!"

 

I consider this emotional manipulation and even abuse, in my book. He's essentially making you feel bad for you not wanting them and making you feel trapped ("Oh I won't be able to find someone else who doesn't want them") so you'll "settle" and pop out a few with him.

 

Shame shame shame on him.

 

I'm sorry but if he's being such an asshat over this and pressuring the heck out of you, it's time to go.

 

Please, for the love of god, don't just pop out a kid to make him happy. You will regret it forever.

[Princess123]

Has everyone completely lost it? Am I typing things I don't realize or see?

 

Fudgie did you post on the wrong thread?

[DN]

Thread closed at user request.