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Should I visit my ex to get him to talk to me?

confusedhearts

By confusedhearts
in Relationship Advice

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confusedhearts Newbie

confusedhearts

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Should i go visit my ex to get him to talk to me?

My ex and I dated for 2.5 years. We were working on rekindling our relationship these past 2 months when yesterday we got into a spat. Which resulted in him saying he's not feeling this anymore and wont answer any of my phone calls. Which isn't too surprising because he does this every time we've ever fought. Ignored the phone. So my question is, should I give him a surprise visit? I love him deeply, and if its really over I need closure. But i don't think its over. PS. We've never gone more than a week without talking in over 3 years. Also we are at separate universities, so i'd catch the train. I need to see him and talk to him to see why he flipped the switch on me. Should i go or leave it alone. I think we are worth fighting for.

 

 

Guys, how would you react if your ex showed up at your school to talk? be flattered that she put in the effort or more annoyed

 

We've been exclusive for 3 years

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ToF Enthusiast

ToF

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I understand that this is something worth fighting for, but I think you would be setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

 

If your ex does not want to talk to you, then your behavior will likely be misinterpreted as desperate, immature and annoying. If he really does not want to talk to you, he may see it as stalking.

 

It's so, so painful. I know that. All of us here have felt exactly what you are feeling. But going to see him is only going to prove to him that you are not a strong enough person unless he's there to hold you up. You need to back away and put some time and distance between you two before you attempt to contact him.

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Generation Enthusiast

Generation

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Think of it this way:

 

Would you rather be seen as the "crazy ex-girlfriend" or the girl who kept her head held high and never lost sight of her dignity?

 

Don't stoop to this level. Don't go and try to make him talk to you.

 

I'm gonna have to disagree. I always believe that if there's something worth fighting for, you fight for it with all you've got. You can always keep your head held high if it doesn't work out, you can move on with no remorse. No what if's. She can say to herself that she gave it her all, tried her best, and if her best wasn't enough, then nothing will be. Sacrificing your pride and dignity temporarily, letting your guard down, it might be worth it. Why would anyone give up so easily? Dignity is overrated.

 

I don't see how this is stooping to his level.

 

One more thing.. if she's heartbroken right now, I don't see how setting herself up for more heartbreak can be much worse, as opposed to the reward she'll gain if it works out.

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confusedhearts Newbie

confusedhearts

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i just don't know what to do! I have to fix this. He has turned his phone off so no one can call. We need to communicate but by phone just will not work. I was hoping that he might appreciate my efforts to go the distance to get him back. Things have never been this bad between us and he seems so fed up. I think we were rekindling to fast. during the two months of our break up we were still kissing and having sex. And he said he wanted a future with me, but take time to fix our problems first. Our argument was because i was trying to be his "girlfriend" again. We spent last weekend together and it was wonderful! now this??

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ToF Enthusiast

ToF

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Well, I didn't say she was stooping to his level.

 

There's a lot to be said for fighting for something when it is truly worth the battle. But:

 

We were working on rekindling our relationship these past 2 months when yesterday we got into a spat. Which resulted in him saying he's not feeling this anymore and wont answer any of my phone calls. Which isn't too surprising because he does this every time we've ever fought. Ignored the phone.

 

I don't believe that there is anything to be gained from this. If this was a situation in which there were circumstances keeping them apart, or they had a misunderstanding and need to talk things out, then I would say go for it. But this is beating a dead horse, in my opinion. The ex-boyfriend has established a pattern of not putting in the effort when solid communication is needed, so it is left up to the OP to go running after him when he decides to call it quits at his whim.

 

So why does she need to be the one to put it back together again? What is there to fight for if she is the only one willing to put in the effort needed?

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ToF Enthusiast

ToF

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i just don't know what to do! I have to fix this. He has turned his phone off so no one can call. We need to communicate but by phone just will not work. I was hoping that he might appreciate my efforts to go the distance to get him back. Things have never been this bad between us and he seems so fed up. I think we were rekindling to fast. during the two months of our break up we were still kissing and having sex. And he said he wanted a future with me, but take time to fix our problems first. Our argument was because i was trying to be his "girlfriend" again. We spent last weekend together and it was wonderful! now this??

 

He was upset because you were trying to be his "girlfriend" and he didn't want to commit.

 

The weekend was wonderful because you both got all the benefits of an intimate relationship, without any of the work. But as soon as you tried to bring it to "official" terms and establish something committed, he ran for the hills and cut off contact. Do you see that pattern?

 

For whatever reason (be it a lack of interest, motivation, or a need to "play the field"), he does not want to be in an exclusive relationship with you right now. The reason he ran was because you were pushing for it (as you should, because that's what you deserve - but maybe not from him). So if you catch up to him and try AGAIN to work things out, he is either going to run further or he is just going to feed you the same bull he has been for months.

 

You are his friends with benefits right now. I'm not trying to be harsh, but please look at this realistically. And I hope that you have been using protection when you've been intimate..

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ToF Enthusiast

ToF

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I'd still say you never know until you try. It's a risk worth taking. In the end, you'll know the answer you seek, and you will get your closure.

 

It's a win-win either way.

 

That may be true, but you have to break the cycle eventually. At some point, you have to be willing to say enough is enough.

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confusedhearts Newbie

confusedhearts

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You are very true about this. But he made the statement when I nagged at him about not coming to visit me again this week. Or not putting me in his plans for the weekend.. My fault?

I told him a relapse every 2 weeks or so because everything seemed like we were still together. he said he wouldn't move on, and we still talked 24/7. Working on us. I just got needy with his affection

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ToF Enthusiast

ToF

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It sounds like you are blaming everyone but him for his actions. He is the one who is refusing to commit to you. He is the one who is keeping you at arm's length while still sleeping with you. He is the one who, instead of talking out your problems like an adult, decided to run and stop talking to you.

 

This is not your friends' fault, and it's not even totally your fault. You were not being "needy" with his affection. You are understandably confused because you act like a couple, yet he will not acknowledge the relationship for what it is. That's not called being needy, it's called looking out for your own interests.

 

This guy is dragging you through the mud, and you refuse to let go and walk on your own two feet.

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confusedhearts Newbie

confusedhearts

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Thank you. I loved everything you both said. Generation, you spoke with heart. And ToF, you spoke with mind. I needed to see both sides. I am tired of foolishly running after him, though I love him so much. I hate to let these 3 years go down the drain. It's gonna be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I don't think I'll be contacting him for a while. If he wants me he'll call.. (right? its just so hard because ive spoiled him). But I've re-though making this silly trip now. I just wanted him to man up and say those things to me in person, because i know he cant..

I wish he could have given me closure, instead of leaving me hanging not knowing what to do. And blowing up his phone

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ToF Enthusiast

ToF

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He knows exactly how to contact you when he realizes what he's lost.

 

Give yourself a good, long time to heal. It will hurt, and you will have ups and downs. We're all here if you need help or just to vent. But before you know it, you'll see that light at the end of the tunnel and realize that you are just fine without him.

 

If he decides to man up and do what's right, then he will show you. But if he doesn't, you will know that you can thrive without him. It's time to stop shouldering all of the work for this relationship. It's supposed to be a joint effort, and so far he's let you do all the dirty work while he sits back and enjoys the benefits.

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