Happier Being Alone?

[Josh8]

So, here's my conundrum. I am pretty much convinced that I could be much happier being alone than when I am in a relationship. A few months ago, my 5-year relationship with my girlfriend ended. We lived together and I wanted to be with her forever. But, she basically decided that our life together wasn't exciting enough for her. Thus, she has gone off to "find herself (a common syndrome among 20-something women, I know). During those five years, I sometimes fantasized about all of the free time I would have to myself to enjoy the activities I like to do (writing, painting, working on my business, creating things, making music, video games, etc) if I didn't have to worry about if I was spending enough time with her every day. I always felt VERY conflicted about this, and very guilty, as I knew she wanted more time with me every day. And, now that she has left, I do miss her like crazy. Yet, I also ponder whether I should just live my life by myself. I am actually enjoying doing a lot more of my hobbies and focusing on my business like never before.

 

HOWEVER, choosing to be alone forever sounds so sad and pathetic in so many ways, doesn't it? I'm 31 now and my life is inching up on the halfway mark, no doubt. I can't help but think to myself, do I really want to spend half of my life without that intensely close companionship?

 

Now, I am somewhat introverted (but not shy in the slightest). I simply LOVE spending time alone in my own head. Yet, in the same token, when I emerge from my isolation, I love having a woman there to embrace and talk to and enjoy physically. I do not have friends because, well, those relationships take time and energy to sustain too and I have always barely had enough to devote to that one special woman

 

Anyway, I know I'm not in any hurry to decide this, nor do I have to for any reason. I can simply set out with the idea of being alone and, yet, keep myself open to the idea of a new relationship down the road. But, is that really wise? Is it really fair to the woman out there whom I manage to charm? When I get involved with another woman again in the future, won't I just feel the same way? Or, should the idea be to find someone like me who also needs a lot of time apart? In fact, I have often wondered if it would be better to be committed to someone, yet live in separate residences so that I and my gal would have to plan involved time together. That way, we'd never take each other for granted by living together and getting that companionship-on-tap.

 

Another problem I have is that now, I'm a successful writer that works from home. So, my office is also where I live and I just don't get out much, to be truthful. I am honestly beginning to wonder how I would ever meet someone again (all of my previous relationships began when I still had to go to a normal 9-5 job every day).

 

Thoughts?

 

What's better? Being alone and having everything your way or being with someone and having to compromise some of yourself?

[In the Dark]

That's the issue I am having every time the other half of me wishes for a partner and a relationship.

Every time I have been in a relationship, there has been this obligation which must cut into a part of my me time which can me quite big as when I get into my interests, I tend to get immersed or has to be done NOW sort of thing.

 

I see you are realistic about what your ex wants during her time as a 20 something as I have had the same experience.

What is considered exciting can also be something dysfunctional to the point where hold a relationship with anyone is not possible.

 

The issue with us, is we would need someone who has there own hobbies and interests which do not put the relationship at risk and does not feel neglected because we are pursuing our hobbies.

But then we also have to take note not to completely abandon.

 

Living alone is not pathetic in anyway.

It's better to live alone as long as you enjoy it.

To have a partner and not be able to be there for them as much as they want/need you to be is not good.

[Josh8]

Hi Serious Fox. Thanks for responding. I see we're alike in this regard. You're right, my girlfriend didn't have many interests or goals. She felt sort of isolated all the time. So, part of the problem was that she didn't have other people in her life to embrace socially. I always encouraged her to make some friends, and she could be very social, but the idea never stuck. Another problem for her was that she had never lived on her own. Thus, she really wanted to try being by herself. There were a lot of other ancillary issues too.

 

Anyway, on one hand I think I would like to spare anyone the unique torture of falling in love with someone like me... someone who likes to be alone so much of the time. But, on the other hand, I crave sharing my bed with someone again. It's like a drug and I need my togetherness fix

[In the Dark]

Yes I gathered we are very much alike, down to the point of interests.

 

I could have spieled on more about understanding but I knew you would get the point.

 

What you mentioned in the last post is my concern.

Finding a female who literally has no hobbies of their own which are like ours which for the most part, enjoyment and fulfillment comes from ourselves and not the dependency of the reactions of people or their partner.

 

Something I ran in to often is me being the one to come up with the ideas for a partners entertainment which always involved me participating to a degree where I would have to be fully invested.

Anything which didn't involved some sort of positive emotional reciprocation from someone else appeared to be boring.

To me this is much too draining.

 

I think what we need is to find a woman who lives off self fulfillment but loves the feeling and knowing that there is someone who truly loves them and only them.

Not saying that we both are not stale in the appreciation part, as in dinners, going out to special places etc etc.... I am sure you are not.

 

It's only human for us to feel the need of someone to lay next to in bed and hold.

But understandable it can feel like a curse.

[blueidealist24]

I don't see anything wrong with being alone if you want to be.. maybe you should just say you'll be alone 'for awhile' and if the right person comes along you'll enter into a relationship if you feel like it, like not make a big decision right now to be alone for the rest of your life or not. Maybe you just need a temporary break from relationships for however long you like.. five years is pretty long, so you might need some 'time off.' I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to live with the person you date, either..

[drummergirl]

I can assure you that there are women out there who are also introverts that need their time as well, but still want a relationship. There are women that have their own goals, careers, hobbies, etc.

 

I was with my ex for 5 years and we both had at-home jobs so I never let him live with me because I knew that I wanted/needed some space. He was more of an extrovert and really hated living apart though. . . .But I was never really sure if I didn't want to live with a partner at all or if I just didn't want to live with that particular guy. . .

 

Also, I have a very intense job and at times have to travel for it, so I'd WANT somebody who could keep themselves busy and find fulfillment in their own work/hobbies/friends at times. I'm the sort of person who needs time alone. . . but the social need is still there, of course.

 

So, I would say, there ARE women out there that are similar to yourself. You just need to find somebody who understands and respects your needs for your own time. . . Of course, when you're an introvert looking for an introvert, there ARE difficulties. . . like that all the introverts stay home too much. Not sure how you overcome the meeting somebody like you part of the challenge when that is the case. . .